Nagging is negative reinforcement, which has been shown to only get the absolute bare minimum response. Just enough to stop the nagging, nothing above and beyond that, and it creates a lot of resentment in both parties.

Figure out what works for your DH. For me, I need things written down. My DH can nag me a million times but I won't remember it until it's added to my to-do list. So I keep a little notebook with me and write what I need to do down.

For cleaning, let some of it go. Things don't need to be perfect. My DH nags about the most minute things, like how to load the dishwasher or which way to turn the shower head, things that make no real difference. I finally told him "you can continue nagging me, but I will still likely continue to not do it the way you like, so you can either continue nagging or for your own peace of mind let it go". Now he just lets it go.....usually. But for him having things perfectly clean comes from some deep-seated anxiety, so maybe that is something worth looking into.

For waking up at night for the baby, I found it easier during the week to just do it myself. I'm already awake, I'd rather just get it done and go back to sleep. But on weekends, I'd just lay in bed and let DH take care of things.

Also, ask yourself if your requests are reasonable and said politely in a reasonable tone of voice. If my DH nags, makes demands, doesn't say please, or is snarky, I won't do what he asked. And always say thank you enthusiastically and genuinely.

The problem is not that you nag, it's that a lot of men are raised to be lazy and selfish liabilities. Moreover, many women, too, think man should get to be lazy, hence why you have all these posts suggesting you do everything and let your lazy husband slide.

The solution here depends on your priorities. I get only one life and I will not spend it cleaning up behind some pig. At the same time, my children are not going to grow up in a sty. The solution for me was letting my husband know that I would divorce him if he continued to be a liability. I meant it too. I still had to teach him everything after that, but he paid attention and learned.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just stop. You don't need to wipe the counter down every single night. Close the cabinet doors if he doesn't, it literally takes half a second. Just stop. It's not hard. Realize half the sh*t you nag about probably isn't a necessity to life.

No. You do. You need to wipe down counters and chairs and sweep the kitchen floor every day. If you just leave spilled food on the counter to crust over or spoil and rot and collect ants, flies, and maggots, then your problem will be much worse.
And this is your home. Where you live with your children and family. Probably the biggest financial investment you have made. It is worth your time to take care of it.

We just hired a pest control company to spray once a month. Zero flies and ants, and we only clean the kitchen a couple times a week.

OP, were you an only-child?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The nagging will stop when he leaves -- and he will.

Is there anything your husband has asked you to do that you don't do? How does it feel if he asks you repeatedly?

No, there isn't. I am a mature adult and do everything I say I will.

That's not what was asked. Has your husband asked you to do anything that you don't do?

OP didn't say her DH had agreed to do everything she wanted. Women, in general, sweat a lot of very small details that men roll with. I know it's important to you, but it doesn't always mean it's important to him.

Associate nagging with something negative like an electric shock (the Pavlok). Replace the behavior with something positive.

https://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2016/05/02/a-shocking-way-really-to-break-bad-habits/

You can dictate the result or the process, not both.
If you are set on having something done a particular way, tel login but don't expect him to do it when you want or as fast as you.
If you need something done and at a specific time, tell him and don't micromanage how it gets done.
If you need to control everything, do it yourself and seriously think about what you can let go.
I ask myself "is anyone getting hurt?" "Is his way of doing it costing me money - wasted, broken, missed deadlines?" "Is it punishing the kids?".

Tell him clearly. Tell him once. Explain the why and the why is not just because you said so. Wash the towels and swim clothes - because it will take 2 loads and I need them folded and ready to go to the pool at 10am Saturday. Put the 2 bags of marinating chicken in the crock pot and turn it on low at x time - because it takes 3 hours and they kids need to eat when we arrive home at 5:30pm. When I nudge you the baby is crying get up and make it better - because I have an important meeting at 8am and need my rest.

Anonymous wrote:The nagging will stop when he leaves -- and he will.

Is there anything your husband has asked you to do that you don't do? How does it feel if he asks you repeatedly?

No, there isn't. I am a mature adult and do everything I say I will.

my husband is pretty lazy around the house and when I found myself nagging, I noticed I am generally unhappier

try and focus on what he does do. Go to work? Take care of you when you're sick? Help you with diaper changes?

No one is perfect and 90% of relationships deal with this same thing. Try and find the good stuff and let the bad stuff go.

Anonymous wrote:Learn how to not give a f---. It's so freeing.

Yes!

I do a combination of those things, OP, because I'm not divorcing over it either. I acknowledge the things he's not doing that are important to me, and I do those. The rest I assign to my kids or they just don't get done. It's surprising how good lowering my standards feels I will also say that my husband's lack of emotional investment in our shared life has caused other problems, but none of them are going to be fixed by nagging.

Whenever you feel like nagging, go into the closet under the stairs and pray in the dark until Jesus says you can come out.

Sounds like your husband genuinely has issues but you might also reflect on whether your nagging is driven by your own anxiety. Does it make you feel anxious to not say anything and let things happen as they will? If so, I suggest figuring out what things you absolutely cannot drop and figure out whether you will take care of them yourself vs those things that can go undone if he doesn't follow through. And take a deep breath every time you want to nag him about the things that can go undone.

As you know, you can't make him do stuff if he doesn't want to do it. But you can carve out your own space so that this relationship is bearable for you. Good luck, OP - this is a hard one!

Is he pulling his weight, in general?

the fact that he agreed to do a list of things, had an entire weekend by himself and didn't do it, suggests he doesn't really care about that stuff and thinks he can get away with it and most of all that you're asking and nagging is not effective.

So,

Hire someone to do it. and stop doing other things--his laundry, cooking dinner, etc. Take care of yourself and baby. Leave the dishes undone. If it is a safety hazard, fix it or hire someone. Make sure he is there when the handyman comes. Do not tel him in advance the handyman is coming. Say, I gave you this list X weeks ago and you haven't been able to take care of it, so I am taking care of it. Calm. neutral. etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just outsource. once he sees housework in terms of money, then either he will be happy to spend it or he will start helping.

I do this with home repair stuff. "Hon, I'm going to get a handyman for 3 hours this weekend and I want to make it as cost effective as possible, remind me if I'm forgetting anything I could put on this list -- put up ceiling fan in the guest room, fix that lock that keeps sticking on the sunroom door, fix the broken spindle on the stairs -- I'd rather have too long a list and not get to everything than pay for 3 hours and only have 2 hours worth of work." Suddenly he was already planning to put up the fan himself this Saturday ... that we bought last year.

I tried this and it definitely got my DH's attention. He said that there is no need to hire anyone and that he will do it himself. The tasks are still not done months later

So tell him that you are getting a handyman in 1 month. Whatever he hasn't finished by then, the handyman will do.