Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has also mentioned that my parents should come live in the neighborhood too. My mom wants to retire and go back to the country our family comes from (in a tropical area). I love his family, but I feel like none of them do anything without consulting the family unit.

This sounds like a wonderful situation! I would be so happy to have all of my family and my husband's family living in the same neighborhood. It's wonderful to marry into a close knit family. You will become part of that. On the other hand, if a close and loyal family is not something you value, like does your fiancé, this marriage sounds doomed from the start.

Oh, barf. What about OP's family? How is this situation going to work when they are trying to balance the needs and wishes of two families with respect to holidays, time with grandchildren, etc.? How will it work when her in-laws are just walking into her house unannounced because "that's how they are"? How will it work when "the family unit" isn't on board with some decision? Can OP count on her husband to stand up for her against his family if necessary? A close-knit family can be wonderful, but that kind of geographic proximity and lack of boundaries can also have its downside, and OP and her fiance need to deal with it now.

Prayer lady, crawl back under your rock. If prayer works for you, why are you even on a relationship board??

LoriCroit wrote:So sorry to hear that you have differences regarding where to live. Sounds like a time to sit down and talk about a lot of things. If you plan to get married in your home church, usually the pastor is a really good sounding board for all kinds of pre-marital concerns. Some of them offer counseling at no charge and you can have as many visits as you want. I highly recommend sitting down with your fiance and a pastor or counselor to hash out a few things.

The power of prayer can be huge if you start praying together to help with these kind of things, plus it could bring you closer together in a forever type of bonding.

I will definitely be praying that you can work all this out and experience your vows of marriage as you had planned. Good luck![b]

Yes, prayer. People have prayed for thousands of years, and look where it's gotten us. If prayer didn't keep away things like Isis, terrorism, child sex trafficking, prostitution, abuse, wife beating, drugs, opioids, 50% divorce rate, etc, then I highly doubt it will help your marriage with this issue. I'm just sayin'.

Oh no, who called in the god squad?

So sorry to hear that you have differences regarding where to live. Sounds like a time to sit down and talk about a lot of things. If you plan to get married in your home church, usually the pastor is a really good sounding board for all kinds of pre-marital concerns. Some of them offer counseling at no charge and you can have as many visits as you want. I highly recommend sitting down with your fiance and a pastor or counselor to hash out a few things.

The power of prayer can be huge if you start praying together to help with these kind of things, plus it could bring you closer together in a forever type of bonding.

I will definitely be praying that you can work all this out and experience your vows of marriage as you had planned. Good luck![b]

Op here, I don't care about living close, I'd love it. But 15 mins and no further is kind of ridiculous. Meanwhile I'll be 45 mins from my family for now and a 4 hr flight away once my parents move to the islands.

This is a marriage-breaker, right here.

Talk about what it would really mean to live that close to family. If you don't want all that comes with it, like drop-ins and frequent contact, you need to say so.

It will be extremely difficult to have any kind of boundaries with that kind of proximity and established dynamic.

If he's not willing to have some space with you, then consider where you rank in his life. It sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too--absorbing you into his family life and dynamic, without considering that the two of you might be also creating something new together and need some space for that.

Anonymous wrote:Is it Chevy chase view in Kensington?

Or is it Olney?

Haaaa so funny. That was my first thought too!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is not the desire to live near family. The problem is the refusal to compromise.

+1. Well phrased.

Please, OP, go back and re-read the post detailing why serious premarital counseling is essential. As that PP said, do not just do some weekend-long couples retreat with a group. Also don't just do a few sessions with the pastor who's going to do the wedding. Get a therapist who specializes in couples counseling and tell your fiancé that you and he both need to commit to full participation and openness. Your fiancé seems to think that you're going to "come around" in time and do what he tells you. Big red flag--not just about in-laws and their boundaries but also about how much he does or does not respect you as an equal partner with a say in your lives that is equal to his.

YEP YEP YEP. You can live next door to his parents or across the country, but that will not change how he respects you as a partner.

The first poster is correct in that compromise is the issue, but OP's fiance is not the only one that needs to been there is a tendency on DCUM and in real life for women to falesly think counseling is their avenue to get what they want ( calling it compromise).
Counseling is a good idea, but OP should not go into it with the attitude that the therapist is going to get her way for her.

OP says in the original post that the family closeness is overall "really nice" -- her words. OP isn't blasting the family or saying that she and the fiance absolutely must live far from them forever. OP is saying that she would like to see other places and have other experiences beyond this one geographic area, but the fiance is flatly refusing even to consider living anywhere else, or even an hour away from his family.

Of course we only have OP's side of this. But the responses here are for and about OP, not for the fiance. Reread the first post she wrote. She seems more open to compromise than he is, if he really has set a firm and extremely arbitrary fifteen-minute radius around his family home as the only possible acceptable place to live.

Interesting that you say women "falsely think counseling is their avenue to get what they want" while calling that compromise. I bet a lot of women could post on here about how counseling or therapy ended up helping them stay in a marriage they were initially sure they would leave, or ended up showing them they should leave a marriage they had thought they wanted to save. OP and the fiance need to have someone from outside the relationship ask them both tough questions about what they really want, and it sounds like at least at first, OP might be more open to hearing a third party's input than her fiance who has told her what he will accept, rather than asked her what would work for them both.

Big red flag. You need to resolve it (really resolve it) or else it will come up again later on when it is worse.

I moved away from my family for DH. At the time it made sense so I didn't really fight it. Then I pushed to have kids/house and my DH feels like he was pushed into something he wasn't ready for. Then my family moved closer (parents and sibling separately) and now DH feels trapped and wants to move away closer to his sister (his mom and sister don't live close to each other).

However, the marriage is in such disrepair that I wouldn't give up everything (my family, job and friends) to move again. It is the elephant in the room and surfaces whenever he is upset (small irritations turn into him not being happy and wanting to move) and there is no good compromise. Moving halfway means everyone is unhappy. Keep him here and he will be miserable. Move me and I will be miserable. Plus now there are two kids in the mix so even if he leaves me he won't leave the kids so instead he chooses to be more aggressive and that just has the opposite effect of what he wants - because the meaner he gets, the less I would ever think of moving with him.

Awful situation. Make sure you are on the same page. Kids (we were on the same page when we got married but then 6 years in he still wasn't ready) and where to live. They are deal breakers and can destroy a marriage.

The positives: free babysitting, someone always close by if they are needed (car breaks down, alarm in house while you are away, etc)

Downside: boundaries! The unannounced walkin. It's the worst. You think you are alone in the house and head to the laundry room in your underwear. In walks FiL, who starts calling out "hello". Every heard of knocking? I started locking the door. DW gave them keys. FiL worked on the road and used to make regular "detours" by our house to use the bathroom. Yeah, just what i want.

They treat your house like it's their house. MiL is great in helping clean up or babysit but always moves things to where she thinks they should go instead of where she knows we put them.

Your significant other will be wanting them over for dinner or you to go over there. It's not for everyone.

Oh, and when they come over, don't plan on going anywhere because they never think twice about using your driveway and blocking you in.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is not the desire to live near family. The problem is the refusal to compromise.

+1. Well phrased.

Please, OP, go back and re-read the post detailing why serious premarital counseling is essential. As that PP said, do not just do some weekend-long couples retreat with a group. Also don't just do a few sessions with the pastor who's going to do the wedding. Get a therapist who specializes in couples counseling and tell your fiancé that you and he both need to commit to full participation and openness. Your fiancé seems to think that you're going to "come around" in time and do what he tells you. Big red flag--not just about in-laws and their boundaries but also about how much he does or does not respect you as an equal partner with a say in your lives that is equal to his.

YEP YEP YEP. You can live next door to his parents or across the country, but that will not change how he respects you as a partner.

The first poster is correct in that compromise is the issue, but OP's fiance is not the only one that needs to been there is a tendency on DCUM and in real life for women to falesly think counseling is their avenue to get what they want ( calling it compromise).
Counseling is a good idea, but OP should not go into it with the attitude that the therapist is going to get her way for her.

I'm the op of this chain and I agree. Op of the thread seems unwilling to compromise as well. They want different things. Op, look at that thread by the introvert invited to dinner with her inlaws. Can you see that being you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is not the desire to live near family. The problem is the refusal to compromise.

+1. Well phrased.

Please, OP, go back and re-read the post detailing why serious premarital counseling is essential. As that PP said, do not just do some weekend-long couples retreat with a group. Also don't just do a few sessions with the pastor who's going to do the wedding. Get a therapist who specializes in couples counseling and tell your fiancé that you and he both need to commit to full participation and openness. Your fiancé seems to think that you're going to "come around" in time and do what he tells you. Big red flag--not just about in-laws and their boundaries but also about how much he does or does not respect you as an equal partner with a say in your lives that is equal to his.

YEP YEP YEP. You can live next door to his parents or across the country, but that will not change how he respects you as a partner.

The first poster is correct in that compromise is the issue, but OP's fiance is not the only one that needs to been there is a tendency on DCUM and in real life for women to falesly think counseling is their avenue to get what they want ( calling it compromise).
Counseling is a good idea, but OP should not go into it with the attitude that the therapist is going to get her way for her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I ended an engagement over this. Six months later, DH came around and even started looking for jobs in the cities I had mentioned wanting to move to. We now live 700 miles from his family and over 1600 from mine. We have a set in stone holiday schedule that seems to have helped everyone adjust.

Together 12 years, married for 6 years, have moved 4 times together.

Interesting. I usually find these arrangements cease to work once there are grandkids/ and or parents start to age significantly. So it's less that you've solved the problem, but more that you've delayed it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is not the desire to live near family. The problem is the refusal to compromise.

+1. Well phrased.

Please, OP, go back and re-read the post detailing why serious premarital counseling is essential. As that PP said, do not just do some weekend-long couples retreat with a group. Also don't just do a few sessions with the pastor who's going to do the wedding. Get a therapist who specializes in couples counseling and tell your fiancé that you and he both need to commit to full participation and openness. Your fiancé seems to think that you're going to "come around" in time and do what he tells you. Big red flag--not just about in-laws and their boundaries but also about how much he does or does not respect you as an equal partner with a say in your lives that is equal to his.

YEP YEP YEP. You can live next door to his parents or across the country, but that will not change how he respects you as a partner.