Anonymous
07/19/2017 14:13
Subject: Passive aggressive comments
Anonymous wrote:OP - I don't mean to be crass, but is it possible your FIL is also terminal and told your MIL not to tell anyone? Maybe she is trying (in her PA way) to tell you and her son to spend more time with your dying father/FIL?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don't understand how your MIL is aware of how much time you are spending with YOUR father and family? Is she following your car? Keep your responses vague--busy with work and summertime schedules.
When she calls DH and asks where he is he tells her.
I also agree with the other posters about how to stop her PA comments. Start by telling her there's a huge work project and DH has to devote most or all his time to that. He shouldn't tell her he's "with your father" when she asks where he is. He needs to say "at work" which isn't a lie.
And finally, the best way to stop the PA comments is to address the underlying feeling or concern your MIL has. Like the other PP said, she's probably feeling left out or second-fiddle or abandoned or unloved. When she makes a PA comment about you not visiting enough (or visiting your dad more), you should ignore the comment but address the underlying feeling.
"I'm so sorry you feel like we don't visit you enough. Right now is a really busy time for all of us and we would love to visit you and dad more. We can't wait until the busy project is over. Let's try and think of what we can do in a couple months (or next fall or whatever timeframe) to make up for all this lost time."
And then when she starts the PA talk again in future visits, remind her of what you guys can do later. Respond with "Let's plan that special trip we were talking about"
After your dad's illness is out in the open, she'll probably forget about the trip or if not, you could say "I'm sure you understand that I'm really not up for going on the trip right now. perhaps next year"
We were in the room when the doctor talked about what was going on with FIL. Today they lifted some of his restrictions. We check in with him daily and DH sees him during his lunch with special permission from my dad(because it interferes with about 20 minutes of work time). Unfortunately MIL is at work during this time. I'm beginning to wonder if she thinks he goes to see FIL intentionally when she is not there. It's the only time he's able to go but I will suggest to DH that he explains that. They ran tests on my dad for leukemia and we don't get those results back until next month. His blood cells aren't right. On top of serious heart problems. I'm sorry I haven't replied as I should. Trying to keep up.
Anonymous
07/19/2017 13:15
Subject: Passive aggressive comments
OP - I don't mean to be crass, but is it possible your FIL is also terminal and told your MIL not to tell anyone? Maybe she is trying (in her PA way) to tell you and her son to spend more time with your dying father/FIL?
I also agree with the other posters about how to stop her PA comments. Start by telling her there's a huge work project and DH has to devote most or all his time to that. He shouldn't tell her he's "with your father" when she asks where he is. He needs to say "at work" which isn't a lie.
And finally, the best way to stop the PA comments is to address the underlying feeling or concern your MIL has. Like the other PP said, she's probably feeling left out or second-fiddle or abandoned or unloved. When she makes a PA comment about you not visiting enough (or visiting your dad more), you should ignore the comment but address the underlying feeling.
"I'm so sorry you feel like we don't visit you enough. Right now is a really busy time for all of us and we would love to visit you and dad more. We can't wait until the busy project is over. Let's try and think of what we can do in a couple months (or next fall or whatever timeframe) to make up for all this lost time."
And then when she starts the PA talk again in future visits, remind her of what you guys can do later. Respond with "Let's plan that special trip we were talking about"
After your dad's illness is out in the open, she'll probably forget about the trip or if not, you could say "I'm sure you understand that I'm really not up for going on the trip right now. perhaps next year"
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don't understand how your MIL is aware of how much time you are spending with YOUR father and family? Is she following your car? Keep your responses vague--busy with work and summertime schedules.
When she calls DH and asks where he is he tells her.
I also agree with the other posters about how to stop her PA comments. Start by telling her there's a huge work project and DH has to devote most or all his time to that. He shouldn't tell her he's "with your father" when she asks where he is. He needs to say "at work" which isn't a lie.
And finally, the best way to stop the PA comments is to address the underlying feeling or concern your MIL has. Like the other PP said, she's probably feeling left out or second-fiddle or abandoned or unloved. When she makes a PA comment about you not visiting enough (or visiting your dad more), you should ignore the comment but address the underlying feeling.
"I'm so sorry you feel like we don't visit you enough. Right now is a really busy time for all of us and we would love to visit you and dad more. We can't wait until the busy project is over. Let's try and think of what we can do in a couple months (or next fall or whatever timeframe) to make up for all this lost time."
And then when she starts the PA talk again in future visits, remind her of what you guys can do later. Respond with "Let's plan that special trip we were talking about"
After your dad's illness is out in the open, she'll probably forget about the trip or if not, you could say "I'm sure you understand that I'm really not up for going on the trip right now. perhaps next year"
Anonymous
07/13/2017 14:24
Subject: Re:Passive aggressive comments
OP, if this is really bothering you or stressing you out, can you ask your father if you can tell your ILs about his illness? I know my parents, who are also very private, would want to help me, and would want to know if there was something they could do to help me out (like letting me tell my ILs).
And if he is worried about his employees quitting and you are worried your ILs won't keep quiet, you could tell them an alternative version of "my dad's sick, prognosis unknown, but I am making extra time to spend with him right now" so if it does get out it would not necessarily cause a panic with his employees.
And if he is worried about his employees quitting and you are worried your ILs won't keep quiet, you could tell them an alternative version of "my dad's sick, prognosis unknown, but I am making extra time to spend with him right now" so if it does get out it would not necessarily cause a panic with his employees.
Anonymous
07/13/2017 14:09
Subject: Passive aggressive comments
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don't understand how your MIL is aware of how much time you are spending with YOUR father and family? Is she following your car? Keep your responses vague--busy with work and summertime schedules.
When she calls DH and asks where he is he tells her.
You also have a husband problem.Either he doesn't answer the phone or he says you are at the mall/grocery store/park.
Anonymous
07/12/2017 23:39
Subject: Passive aggressive comments
Flip side though - your dad is asking a great deal of those around him. To take on extra work plus maintain secrecy is a big burden. How long does he expect everyone to maintain the bubble? It is affecting your other relationships. Would it not be okay to say you and DH are helping with a work project that is taking up some time now but is important long term?
Anonymous
07/12/2017 22:37
Subject: Passive aggressive comments
Anonymous wrote:As far as nipping her comments, just say something head-on. "Larla, it seems from your comments like something's bothering you. What's on your mind?" If she demurs, point out that she made "xyz" comment and ask what she meant. Keep doing this and she'll either have a direct conversation or else stop with the comments.
I agree with this, rather than ignoring it. I would ask, "What do you mean by that?" She'll either shut up or explain herself.
Anonymous
07/12/2017 15:55
Subject: Re:Passive aggressive comments
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your problems, OP. I think the best thing you can do is to pretend to be the most remarkably obtuse DIL who ever walked the face of the earth. Just smile and nod to every comment. It drives passive aggressive people nuts when their remarks aren't noticed and you still are able to honor your Dad's wishes. As other PPs indicated eventually your MIL will learn the truth. Best wishes to you and your family.
This is exactly what I do with my passive aggressive inlaws. It works wonderfully.
+1 I have done this for 30 years, lol!