Anonymous wrote:I would absolutely not pay for private under the circumstances that OP describes. Spouse seems very status-conscious and self-centered (dismissing 7-8 years of extra work? WTF?). Seems like a recipe for disaster.

But it seems like OP is talking about retiring early, rather than at the normal age. Having to work until 67 because you paid for private school isn't the same as working until 74.

I would absolutely not pay for private under the circumstances that OP describes. Spouse seems very status-conscious and self-centered (dismissing 7-8 years of extra work? WTF?). Seems like a recipe for disaster.

Anonymous wrote:Wow, spouse spent all those years in private school and only makes 50K?

If that isn't an argument against private school I don't know what is.

My guess is that OP's spouse COULD earn much more, but is taking an earnings hit to care for their very young child. This is typical of women with young children.

Unless your DW is planning to be a SAHM forever, if you have the combined HHI of 100-200K, and ONE CHILD, then, no, I don't think private school should be off the table.

Do a little reading yourself about education. We chose private because the public schools in our area had classes of 25+ kids for Kindergarten (when kids can't read yet, so it's not like they can do a lot of work independently), only had 15 minutes a day of physical activities (unless it was a PE day and they had to learn fire drill rules or something, and then none), was based largely on worksheets, and focused on standardized tests that were given 4 times a year.

That was not the experience I wanted for my DC's introduction to formal school, and since all the publics were under the same state mandates, off we went to private.

Maybe your schools are better suited to children's actual learning needs, maybe not. But it is interesting that what's not on the table here is DW moving to a higher-paying career. I suspect that even if she did so, OP would see any additional money as needed for every other financial priority; he doesn't want to spend money on private school under any circumstances other than money-to-burn, and that is as irrational a position as hers.

Are you already projecting that you will retire early, OP? If that doesn't happen, will you blame your spouse and perhaps resent your child(ren)? It is not a good sign that your child is a toddler, you and DW are talking about private, and you are already considering what would happen in a divorce. You need to work through the issues of your parents' divorce privately in counseling before it wrecks your life.

^^page

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you guys are ready to think divorce over this is alarming.

I'm guessing your wife really values her experience at that school, and since yours was so miserable, you feel exactly the opposite about it.

Is moving away so that the particular school is not even an option possible? I can understand wanting your child to experience something you loved so much, and having a hard time letting that go when it's right in front of you.

That's why people are supposed to talk about these things before committing to marriage and it amazes me they don't.

Minds can change. DH wasn't keen on private when DS was a toddler due to his attending public all the way. However, public schools in our area have all deteriorated due to decades of budget cuts. You simply don't have the equipment, smaller class size (and therefore individual attention), teaching and administrative support here that you would at a well-funded private. Just a tour of the facilities and interviews with administrators and teachers make that abundantly clear. Perhaps it is different in your area, OP, and public is about on par with private. Both parents certainly should be on the same before the first application is submitted.

Wow, spouse spent all those years in private school and only makes 50K?

If that isn't an argument against private school I don't know what is.

It's just all kinds of weird that OP is talking about divorce in this context.

My suspicion is the OP is female and resents her husband for making less than him. If she were making $50k and he was making $100-200k, then she'd probably be fine with sending the kids to private school using his money even if he had to work extra.

But anyway. OP you should have another kid!

With average HHI of approximately $200K per year there is no way I would spend $30K per year on private schools. Regardless of whether you may divorce in the future it's not an expense I would take on. 401ks alone set you back to $164K per year plus say another $4k per year for health insurance. Assuming a 25% effective tax rate (fed + state) that brings you down to $120K net. Assume at least $2K per month for mortgage plus whatever you're paying on the HELOC brings you down to at least $96K. $500 per month into the 529 puts you at $90K. Food is probably another $6K per year plus let's say another $500 per month for utilities, cable and cell phones brings you down to $78K per year. You'll also probably still have to pay for aftercare either at the private school or with another provider so figure $500 per month for that too bringing you down to $72K. Both of you should be doing Roth conversions so that's another $11K bringing you down to $61K.

I haven't even added in any allowance for home repairs, clothing, vacations, car payments or replacing cars as they age, gas, metro expense, going out to eat, medical bills etc. You're doing well with what sounds like an average HHI of $200K but not well enough to plunk $30K per year down on private school absent a compelling need.

OP here to address a few follow up questions.

It is absolutely a financial consideration first and foremost for me. We are maxing out elective contributions to 401 (k)s and funding 529 acct, but we still have a mortgage & HELOC. Emergency funds are not as well funded as they should be and we haven't done roth conversions. Spouse makes around 50k. My income is variable, but usually on the low side of 100-200k.

DC comes first, always. If there were some special needs reason to pay for private school, we'd make it happen. DC is just a toddler, so of course things can change, but as far as I can tell, is a developmentally normal kiddo. Spouse thinks DC is brilliant, and will therefore need the private school experience.

We are one and done (at least there will be no more children from me!) So sibling equity not an issue.

We certainly did talk about money and kids and other important topics before we got married, but we married young and views evolve over time. Sending kids to private school is absolutely a status thing and would give spouse opportunity to hob nob with the SE class of our youth, which unfortunately, we are not in.

Divorce is not imminent. We are pretty happy. I'm just cranky because my in laws are in town for another week and as a child of divorced parents, it colors my perception of well, many things, including big financial commitments.

I think what irks me the most is that spouse thinks nothing of my laboring for an extra 7-10 years in order to pay for private school, even calling me lazy! Sorry, but I don't actually enjoy working. Especially not to pay for an expensive luxury.

Divorce, not divot e. Dang phone!

BTW, there are many middle class families with one kid in private and one in public. It happened in my family. I went to private, one brother did a combination of both, four other siblings did all public. It wasn't financial. My siblings all had special needs that publics could address better. Of my own two kids, both did a combo of private and public, but never at the same time and the younger one did more private than the older. Finances were a small part, but it was mostly socioemotional needs of the older child leading us to pick big public schools with many extracurriculars. I teach public school and see many families with kids in both. Sometimes, I have students who are only at my MCPS because a divot e changed parent willingness to pay. Private for K-8 is common, then a well-regarded public. But also, I see kids leaving MCPS after grade 8 for private DC and MoCo HS.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Married. One young kid. Divorce not imminent.

My spouse wants our DC to go to same school (s) spouse went to growing up. 30k yr average. I think our public schools are fine. I met my spouse at one of the fancy private schools (which I hated and which contributed to my parents lack of retirement savings when they divorced.)

Spouse expects me to work additional years in order to make this happen rather than retiring early.

I make double what my spouse does, so not really seeing the payoff from the private school education.

Don't want to be locked into a 30k/year commitment that jeopardizes my own retirement so Spouse can re-live the elite lifestyle of spouse's youth.

Just say no.

Would also be a no for me

Another just say no. Crazy, no need for private school. Its almost always a waste of money unless you live in a ghetto.

Sadly, PP's example is more common that you'd think. My xh acted like the most devoted dad in the world, until he left the family. The kids were in private (MS and HS). My ex hid his assets and income, and after the divorce trial ended up only having to pay the legal minimum in child support. No school or extracurricular expenses, including college. He's living pretty large now, and I have sole custody of the kids. Through FA I've been able to keep them in their schools, but anything extra is tough.

Now that the college process is in full swing, they get that we are on our own financially. Ex isn't even curious about what schools they are interested in. My kids' relationship with their dad has deteriorated, especially since their visits with him (no overnights) of ice cream and movies doesn't quite swing it for them anymore. It's really really sad.