I'm sorry you're in this position. I think at 13 you can be honest with her that you're sad her birth father didn't get to raise her because he loved her, and at the same time you're happy that she grew up with a dad (her stepfather) who also loves her.

I think that if her stepfather wants to adopt her that you should go through with it. It protects him (if you die he won't have to fight for custody), and it allows her to be the recognized daughter of one of the people who raised him. You don't have to erase her birth father from her life - save some memories for her, including the original birth certificate of you have it (a new one will be issued when the adoption is finalized).

Reading your post and all the comments my heart just hurts for you. I recently lost my father so I understand the pain of loss...it runs deep, and I am so very sorry you are going through this pain. All these years later and it still runs deep...God bless you. I think what/how you are feeling is very normal, considering all you have been through. It's just a part of the grieving process...I feel the hurt in your post. If you haven't considered it already, you may want to talk with a counselor to sort out all your emotions and thoughts about this. Help clear your head.

You sound like an amazing mother, your husband sounds like an amazing father, and her biological Dad as well. I don't know why these things happen but thank God your daughter was given a second chance at having a Dad...what a wonderful gift!! I pray your family will make the right decision...whatever is best for all of you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Remember that adopted children still have birth parents, and having her stepdad adopt her does not change anything about who her father was at her birth. It simply gives her the gift of a (legal) living father.

Well....in many states, it will mean that her birth father is removed from her birth certificate and an amended one is issued. So it's like dead dad never existed.

How many women here would be ok if their husband's new wife adopted their kids and struck them permanently from the record of your child's birth after you died?

Yeah, didn't think so.

Yes, that was exactly my point (although not communicated very well), to remember that despite what the legal documents may say, her birth father will always be her father. And actually yes, in the event of my death I would desperately hope that my children would have a stepmother who loved them enough to raise them as her own.

me, too.

What you're feeling is not stupid. Not at all. It's ok to let it out, OP. Mourning what your daughter lost (and what your first husband didn't get to experience) doesn't make you any less appreciative of what you have now.

I think you should talk to a good therapist if you don't already have one. This is complicated and you need unbiased support. Plus you deserve an outlet for your feelings, where you don't have to worry about the feelings on the other end of the conversation.

Your daughter is lucky to have such a strong, caring mom.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I wouldn't do it. Adoption is not about love or care. It's about creating a set of formal, legal obligations that your daughter, quite frankly, is not in the position to accurately weigh because she's not old enough. You are.

He can continue to love and care for her without incurring any formal obligations in this regard.

This man has been her only father since she was 5. He is her sibling's biological father. He lives in the home with her, her sibling, and her mother. What are the formal, legal obligations that her DD might wish had not been established? If anything, it sounds like the DD wants those legal ties.

Also, whose last name does she have?

In my culture, it is seen as disrespectful toward parents to change your last name no matter what the circumstances are. If your daughter has your late DH's name, it may be the only link to him she retains.

OP, I wouldn't do it. Adoption is not about love or care. It's about creating a set of formal, legal obligations that your daughter, quite frankly, is not in the position to accurately weigh because she's not old enough. You are.

He can continue to love and care for her without incurring any formal obligations in this regard.