Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, are you the poster who posted recently about her BIL making fun of the fact that you're single and because of how you dress/look assumed you were a lesbian.

Yes that's me.

I gave advice thinking you were married with kids. Sorry!

This makes it SO much easier! Leave when comments are made. if their kids put up a fuss, tell them in an age-appropriate way why you are leaving (i.e. your daddy's words are not nice and hurting my feelings". Put the blame SQUARELY on him.

Anonymous wrote:Assuming you've already confronted the behavior. This incident is one in a series of rude behaviors by BIL. Sister is "queen bee" of family so parents and most other siblings will do nothing to confront behavior.

A. Only attend functions related to the kids ie bday parties for niece and nephew keeping visits brief.

B. Only attend holiday functions ie Thanksgiving an Christmas

C. Both A & B

D. Completely cut them off.

I should say that one of my siblings is taking approach C.

I'm not really comfortable being around him, my sister, or other siblings, but feel guilty being distant during gatherings because of parents ( though they had a hand in creating this situation ) and because of the kids.

Really struggling on what to do.

I had a similar problem but it was easier to solve, since it was my husband's brother and wife. I simply did not go to family events at their house or my in-law's house. They were allowed to come to mine. If I felt I DID have to go to an event, I made sure to take my own car so I could simply leave if need be and my husband could bring whichever kids who didn't come with me, home.

In your situation, you could go to all events and take a separate car. When bad behavior starts, simply leave. That way you show you won't tolerate it, but kids can still attend family events. Your guilt is completely misplaced and not warranted. Easy to say, I know, but it's critical that you create boundaries. Explain it all to your kids in age-appropriate ways and don't let your parents guilt you. Simply respond with "I will not tolerate X or Y behavior" calmly. Rinse. Repeat.

When my eldest turned 18, his greatest disappointment was that my husband's family stopped their comments and behavior in his presence - he was just waiting to be able to speak up as an adult

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't ever cut yourself off from family. I would limit exposure and then call family on rude behavior when it comes up, perhaps in an offhand way, using humor when possible. Do not stoop to their level.

This is not good advice. OP, of COURSE there are reasons to cut off one's family. Everyone's situation is different. You just need to work through and find your own comfort level. You are already in therapy so it sounds like you are heading in the right direction. Just remember that it is NOT your fault that you have a effed-up family.

+1 plenty of us have screwed up families and have cut them off. Nobody needs to endure abuse from other people, physical or emotional.

Anonymous wrote:Don't ever cut yourself off from family. I would limit exposure and then call family on rude behavior when it comes up, perhaps in an offhand way, using humor when possible. Do not stoop to their level.

This is not good advice. OP, of COURSE there are reasons to cut off one's family. Everyone's situation is different. You just need to work through and find your own comfort level. You are already in therapy so it sounds like you are heading in the right direction. Just remember that it is NOT your fault that you have a effed-up family.

I have done Option C and then, after my parents died, cut off the family entirely.

Anonymous wrote:Just call him out publicly when he's rude. People like that don't want to be publicly shamed.

yep, just say "Don't be an as*hole (or jerk if you against profanity with cause)".
if he does it again, say "Are you always an as*hole?"
again? say "Why are you always an as*hole?"

if he doesn't get the point, then I would skip all future outings, saying "BIL is an as*hole, and we don't want to be around him"

Anonymous wrote:Don't ever cut yourself off from family. I would limit exposure and then call family on rude behavior when it comes up, perhaps in an offhand way, using humor when possible. Do not stoop to their level.

If someone's going to insult you any time you're around and no one is going to stand up for you, why continue to subject yourself to that? Cutting off abusive family members is so freeing. The day I realized I did not deserve to be treated like that and I was the only person willing to say so was amazing. No more name-calling, no more gas lighting, no more passive-aggressive comments. I see a few of them who aren't total assholes, and we enjoy our time together without the jackasses.

Not everyone gets a family worth maintaining relationships with. I had to live with those people for 18 years, and I put my time in. No more.

Don't ever cut yourself off from family. I would limit exposure and then call family on rude behavior when it comes up, perhaps in an offhand way, using humor when possible. Do not stoop to their level.

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

Finally got a response and it was " I had no idea you were so upset. We should be able to communicate like adults. I didn't think you'd get so upset over 'not dating" , and Distance is fine, but we're all getting older we don't know how much time is left."

TO which I said You no very well it was more than "not dating" I agree we are getting too old, and you are too old for the mean girl things, and as for not having much time left why weren't you thinking like that when you went along with the nasty things he was saying?"

I'm so done with these people. I wish I could have a normal family.

We cut contact with my whole extended family and in-laws too. Just don't need all that crap in our life. As your sister said, life is too short.

OP again.

Finally got a response and it was " I had no idea you were so upset. We should be able to communicate like adults. I didn't think you'd get so upset over 'not dating" , and Distance is fine, but we're all getting older we don't know how much time is left."

TO which I said You no very well it was more than "not dating" I agree we are getting too old, and you are too old for the mean girl things, and as for not having much time left why weren't you thinking like that when you went along with the nasty things he was saying?"

I'm so done with these people. I wish I could have a normal family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp here. I thought of a great response that I would have said when it happened:

"Yeah, I'm single because I'm the one with standards."

No. I great response would be something like this, but it must be done when the comments are made.

Your comments hurt me and I am very upset. I would like to have a good relationship with you and my sister, but comments like these make me want to stop all contact with both of you. If you can refrain from making those type of personal comments about me, I would like to forgive, forget and move on. We have many years to go in this relationship.

Also, this is about your family, not the bil. Stop displacing your anger.

OP again . You are right that this isn't just a BIL problem, but a family problem , the mean girl behavior as pp called it, that has gone on too long. I'm trying to correct that, and hopefully, I'll be able to get into therapy soon to help with all of this, for now I'm just doing the best I can .

Op here.

I ended up replying to the text, I don't know if that was the best thing to do, but I told them What they said was hurtful, and I should have to deal with that kind of thing from family and I needed some space for now.

No response. It is what it is.

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Way to blame the victim!

OP, I'd probably stick to option C.

Another vote for Option C.

Anonymous wrote:Pp here. I thought of a great response that I would have said when it happened:

"Yeah, I'm single because I'm the one with standards."

No. I great response would be something like this, but it must be done when the comments are made.

Your comments hurt me and I am very upset. I would like to have a good relationship with you and my sister, but comments like these make me want to stop all contact with both of you. If you can refrain from making those type of personal comments about me, I would like to forgive, forget and move on. We have many years to go in this relationship.

Also, this is about your family, not the bil. Stop displacing your anger.

I don't know anything about a previous thread, but you need some space from these people until you get some coping skills. Your sister sounds like a mean girl--stay away.