On the way to their house from the airport on the first day of your visit, stop by the grocery store and stock up, with real food. If MIL comments, say "don't worry, we will clean the kitchen if we make a mess" and do clean up after you use it. Ignore the rest.

My mom is like this. When you visit her you eat breakfast at 7 am and then she'll tell you "Now no one eat anything else. We're going to have a big dinner early tonight."

"Early" means 8 or 9 pm. Then she wants everyone to head to the zoo (she lives in San Diego) and walk around for hours. But NO FOOD.

My brother and his wife visited her with my 5 year old twin nieces...by 4 o'clock they put their foot down and ordered a pizza for their hungry kids. It caused a huge fight and my brother's family ended up cutting their visit short (they were visiting all the way from Texas.)

Anonymous wrote:When we stayed at my IL's during a construction project we pretty much hit the same bizarre controls (bizarre when you accept guests but then believe you dictate amount and timing of meals that is so far removed from average expectations. My DH talked to them about how we were pretty much 3 meals a day people and the kids often had AM and PM snacks but in the end - we couldn't take the monitoring and ate lunch out most days and often used their 'dinner' as a light appetizer and also went out to dinner. For our situation where we were going to be with them for 2 months - we needed to recognize that they would have been driven crazy to accommodate us (on top of having to deal with how much water and electricity we use!!!) When we've shared vacation homes we are much more direct and tell them our plans to eat the times and amounts we do (and none of us overweight and we are all active) and that while we understand that they'd be on different schedules we would keep kitchen cleaned (though made a point that bulk of clean up was after meals - another issue) and that we'd be quiet if there was late night snacking. When we have guests - like the rest of my family - we ask people ahead of time if there are particular things they like to have on hand and then make a point to have these and a generous selection of options available

+1

You should not have to explain how you feed your family like normal people. This is not the depression era.

Anonymous wrote:We have this issue at my (northern) step mothers house. She eats crap in secret and that's just about it. We stop at the grocery store on the way to the house and just go about our business like normal. She occasionally joins us.

My in laws are southern and it's never a problem finding food there!

Really? I have never sen this at northern OR southern - I do not think it is regional, at all.

Anonymous wrote:Who's in there?

Hey, it's me.

What's going on?

I'm making a snack.

What do you need?

Food. I'm hungry. Don't worry though, I'm making it myself.

Are you eating again?

Of course, I haven't eaten since 9am. Why aren't you eating? Should I be worried about you? Do you have an eating disorder? I know someone with an eating disorder and she didn't eat for 8 hours at a time either... maybe I could ask for a recommendation for an eating disorder therapist? I'm sure she'd know someone good around here... (etc)


I just can't take the judgment/scrutiny.

She's the one with an issue. Not you. Put the judgement back on her.

And if she says anything beyond the above, just say that food is necessary for life, and if it's not possible to eat the way normal people eat while you're in her house then you guys will have to decline visits in future. And maybe you guys can all just meet for a visit at the museum or something where people don't have to eat and so her eating disorder won't be an issue.

+1

This would work, considering MIL's personality, right OP? MIL might have control issues, and eating issues on top of that. Is she a tiny person? Is the family tiny? They might be used to not eating - maybe MIL is just lazy, easily overwhelmed, and not a good cook, so the family adapted, and this is what they are used to? My good friend's ILs are like this. She doesn't go away with them, and certainly does not stay with them, any more. She will visit, but only at non meal times. On holidays, it had to become strictly potluck, because the guests would go to McDonald's on their way home - on Christmas! How depressing!

For vacations, everyone would lunge on the food like vultures. If my friend was eating, it would be "wow that looks REALLY GOOD!" In other words, the family walked around hungry - how bizarre. I don't know that I could do that.

np: When relatives visit us, I hate dishing out every meal for them but I do it. Then they hurt my feelings by going out to eat, implying my meals weren't satisfying. When we visit relatives, we have to bring all our own food because we keep kosher. They live where there are no kosher restaurants. It's hard.

When we stayed at my IL's during a construction project we pretty much hit the same bizarre controls (bizarre when you accept guests but then believe you dictate amount and timing of meals that is so far removed from average expectations. My DH talked to them about how we were pretty much 3 meals a day people and the kids often had AM and PM snacks but in the end - we couldn't take the monitoring and ate lunch out most days and often used their 'dinner' as a light appetizer and also went out to dinner. For our situation where we were going to be with them for 2 months - we needed to recognize that they would have been driven crazy to accommodate us (on top of having to deal with how much water and electricity we use!!!) When we've shared vacation homes we are much more direct and tell them our plans to eat the times and amounts we do (and none of us overweight and we are all active) and that while we understand that they'd be on different schedules we would keep kitchen cleaned (though made a point that bulk of clean up was after meals - another issue) and that we'd be quiet if there was late night snacking. When we have guests - like the rest of my family - we ask people ahead of time if there are particular things they like to have on hand and then make a point to have these and a generous selection of options available

MIL is somewhat like this as well. She doesn't eat throughout the day, just has one huge sugary drink from Starbucks that she nurses all day long, then has junk food for dinner like a microwaveable burger from the freezer. She makes snarky comments about how I'm going to pack on the pounds eating so much because I eat an actual breakfast and lunch every day and want real food for dinner. Not that it should matter because what I eat is none of her business regardless but she's incredibly unhealthy and overweight while I'm healthy and at a good weight.

Due to the food situation, among many other reasons, we don't stay with her when we visit. We get either a hotel or AirBnB that has a fridge and kitchen or kitchenette in it so we can feed ourselves. She's not going to change and I'm not going to adopt her diet for the week or two at a time we are in town visiting her.

We have this issue at my (northern) step mothers house. She eats crap in secret and that's just about it. We stop at the grocery store on the way to the house and just go about our business like normal. She occasionally joins us.

My in laws are southern and it's never a problem finding food there!

Anonymous wrote:When we have company I say help yourself and clean up. Don't care what you eat, how much or what time. My pantry and refrigerator has something for everyone.

My sister and her husband like to go midnight fast food. Usually Whataburger or Taco Bell. I just laugh. Then I ask if they need a ride or money.

I'll even get up at 3, 4 in the morning and make biscuits or homemade cinnamon rolls.

There's a special cake I only make for my sister. She asks me if she can eat cake for breakfast. It cracks me up. You're grown now there are no food rules.

You should not be a prisoner in anyone's home. I say go eat !

can I stay at your house? you sound fun!

Anonymous wrote:I assume you have kids? The first thing you need to do when you get there is hit up the grocery store, and ask her where you can put your food. Or even better, ask if she needs you to pick up anything at the store.

Be respectful about trash/noise/etc..., and eat when you are hungry. Go out for lunch. Eat your snacks for snacks. Maybe occasionally go out for dinner.

There is no need to explain yourself for eating 3 meals a day. I'd say explain it once then just stop responding.

+1

I also wonder if some of the hosts are tired of being responsible for 3 meals a day for a large group. I stopped enjoying hosting family/friends for more than a day or two after my kids were born. I have lots of friends who complain about it as well. It sucks when your vacation time is spent cooking and cleaning for a group who don't do their share.

I assume you have kids? The first thing you need to do when you get there is hit up the grocery store, and ask her where you can put your food. Or even better, ask if she needs you to pick up anything at the store.

Be respectful about trash/noise/etc..., and eat when you are hungry. Go out for lunch. Eat your snacks for snacks. Maybe occasionally go out for dinner.

There is no need to explain yourself for eating 3 meals a day. I'd say explain it once then just stop responding.

Anonymous wrote:We have had guests who seem to want to eat all the time. I can't help but wonder how the OP's ILs would tell this story. I always have a ton of food in the house and people are welcome to get whatever they want from the kitchen. But I will admit that I judge. No one needs three big meals a day. I also hate when people hyper focus on food. Don't ask me about dinner at 10am.

You are a weirdo. I eat own snack and one meal a day, but plenty of people eat 3 meals+ and are thin and healthy. Some people have really fast metabolism and burn through calories.

Anonymous wrote:We have had guests who seem to want to eat all the time. I can't help but wonder how the OP's ILs would tell this story. I always have a ton of food in the house and people are welcome to get whatever they want from the kitchen. But I will admit that I judge. No one needs three big meals a day. I also hate when people hyper focus on food. Don't ask me about dinner at 10am.

You are the one with a food problem?

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay with her.

Agree. OP, you know what to expect do wjy are you not staying in a hotel or not go at all?