Anonymous wrote:I have a good friend who is cute as a button and has a quirky but endearing to all personality. She is gorgeous and I think could have her pick of men. But she is dating someone who refused to call her his girlfriend for MONTHS (she loves to tell this story as if it's adorable), and is generally rude to her and acts like she's a nuisance. The man is not traditionally attractive by most societal ideas of beauty- and not wealthy, etc- so it seems utterly baffling to me as to why she is with him. He seems to be annoyed by her very presence.

As the old saying goes: Treat 'em like shit, and they'll love you forever.

Anonymous wrote:Or her mother treated her this way. A lot of issues are connected to how your mom treated you from the time you were a baby. It's your most important, intimate relationship, and sets the tone for what is normal to you.

My mom was distant and never liked me. My father was loving and doted on me. Yet I found myself drawn to men I had to win over. (It didn't help that men typically chased me, so a challenging guy seemed more attractive.) And even when I thought I'd figured it all out, and told myself to go for men who'd treat me as my dad had, I still found myself with a man who had a tendency to distance himself and who didn't appreciate me. And I thought that was normal and what I deserved, since my NPD mom hadn't liked me. My saving grace was probably having a loving dad. I don't trust myself to

Bingo.

I'm PP 09:58 above. I will admit I definitely had some parent issues going on. I have a dad that's hot and cold, you never know if he will be friendly or a shithole towards you, on any given day. And my mom hates my dad but tolerates him, pretends like the problem isn't as big as it really is. Terrible family dynamics growing up, so I'm having to learn as an adult, what healthy relationships with people (both men and women) look like.

I used to be codependent too, but thankfully figured that out in my last failed relationship, and have managed to avoid it since.

Anonymous wrote:I have a good friend who is cute as a button and has a quirky but endearing to all personality. She is gorgeous and I think could have her pick of men. But she is dating someone who refused to call her his girlfriend for MONTHS (she loves to tell this story as if it's adorable), and is generally rude to her and acts like she's a nuisance. The man is not traditionally attractive by most societal ideas of beauty- and not wealthy, etc- so it seems utterly baffling to me as to why she is with him. He seems to be annoyed by her very presence.

My question is- WHY does this happen? And if you were a woman in this kind of relationship what happened with it (i.e. still together, broke up, you realized you could do better, he ended it, etc) and why, psychologically, were you in it?

Wow, this was me. Thankfully, I finally had the balls to break things off with the lame guy this past week, after half a year of dating that was going nowhere.

This happened because I called myself trying to be patient, and was maybe also in a bit of denial. The red flags of this guy's modus operandi was there from day one, showing how flaky and distant he could be, as he didn't return calls, stood me up, cancelled dates at the last minute. The only reason I hung in there is because when he did f*ck up, he'd come on really strong, which made me think he cared. But then he would go right back to his old ways rather quickly. These guys are very charming, and know all the right things to say and do to make a women feel emotionally secure. It's quite scary actually, because you find out they don't mean any of it.

We also get along really well, and I liked the attention, when I got it. This made it harder to walk away.

But finally, for my own self dignity and what little pride I had left after this escapade, I decided to listen to what ALL my friends had been telling me all along, and I dumped this dud. Shoulda done it a loooooooong time ago.

Now that I'm moving on, I'm trying to learn the difference between a sincere guy and a guy trying to play me. Some guys are really good at mimicking something they're not. They can play the nice guy really well, but be an undercover low key type of asshole. I find it hard to tell the difference.

It's the "my friend is so great" post again. OP has a crush on her. I bet the guy picked up on this and does not like the OP "hanging around". Make your move OP, I am sure you could treat her better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Chicks dig assholes. Nice guys finish last. It's an old story.

x a million. despite all the arguments women make to the contrary, this is the simple, unvarnished truth.

The day I became a jerk, my dating life skyrocketed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the guy has a really large penis. Her relationship is not your business.

This.

The penis theory deserves more analysis. Does frequent sex with a large penis serve to comprehensively incapacitate the mental functioning of an otherwise discriminating woman? In some way different from a normal penis? Is this where the expression "f'd her brains out" comes from? And is this the evolutionary-biology basis for oversized equipment? (Allows men to procreate with fertile females otherwise out of their league). This might explain a lot in my marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did this with my now fiance.

For the first year and a half we were dating he was not really into me and was still in love with his ex-girlfriend. I was lonely had seriously low self esteem issues and did not believe I could do better or that it was possible I deserved a guy's undivided attention. It sucked. Thankfully he had a major change of heart and is now crazy in love with me.

This seems... sad and depressing.

Very sad.

Why does this seem sad to people when the fiancé is now crazy in love with the PP?

NP, but it's likely he's not crazy in love with her and this is exactly the kind of a situation after thte ends in divorce and starts with the phrase " in hindsight"

Anonymous wrote:
Maybe the guy has a really large penis. Her relationship is not your business.

This.

Posts of this type are just one of the many reasons why I love DCUM.

Why would you give a flying french f#ck who she wants if it is not you?

This is binary - if someone you are interested in is interested in you, then you proceed with getting to know them. If they are not, then the moment you become aware of this you turn your energy and efforts toward women that are interested in you.

Anonymous wrote:Low self esteem. She doesn't see what the rest of the world sees

+2

Just left an abusive relationship. This is definitely it

So the boyfriend isn’t attractive or wealthy. Maybe he is funny, intelligent, and talented.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did this with my now fiance.

For the first year and a half we were dating he was not really into me and was still in love with his ex-girlfriend. I was lonely had seriously low self esteem issues and did not believe I could do better or that it was possible I deserved a guy's undivided attention. It sucked. Thankfully he had a major change of heart and is now crazy in love with me.

This seems... sad and depressing.

Very sad.

Why does this seem sad to people when the fiancé is now crazy in love with the PP?

Or her mother treated her this way. A lot of issues are connected to how your mom treated you from the time you were a baby. It's your most important, intimate relationship, and sets the tone for what is normal to you.

My mom was distant and never liked me. My father was loving and doted on me. Yet I found myself drawn to men I had to win over. (It didn't help that men typically chased me, so a challenging guy seemed more attractive.) And even when I thought I'd figured it all out, and told myself to go for men who'd treat me as my dad had, I still found myself with a man who had a tendency to distance himself and who didn't appreciate me. And I thought that was normal and what I deserved, since my NPD mom hadn't liked me. My saving grace was probably having a loving dad. I don't trust myself to

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a good friend who is cute as a button and has a quirky but endearing to all personality. She is gorgeous and I think could have her pick of men. But she is dating someone who refused to call her his girlfriend for MONTHS (she loves to tell this story as if it's adorable), and is generally rude to her and acts like she's a nuisance. The man is not traditionally attractive by most societal ideas of beauty- and not wealthy, etc- so it seems utterly baffling to me as to why she is with him. He seems to be annoyed by her very presence.

My question is- WHY does this happen? And if you were a woman in this kind of relationship what happened with it (i.e. still together, broke up, you realized you could do better, he ended it, etc) and why, psychologically, were you in it?

What about her relationship with her father, or long term father figure such as a step father? Also, what about her mother's relationship with a man/men while she grew up?

This. Most often, it's this. People, even without realizing it, gravitate toward what is familiar to them, what was their "normal" growing up. Either her father treated her that way or her father treated her mother that way, and it normalized that kind of relationship dynamic for her. It's comfortable to her.

The other possibility is that she was abused, neglected, had some sort of trauma growing up and has a deep down feeling of inadequacy, low self-worth.

She'll probably come to her senses and dump him soon enough. Or he'll dump her and she'll be glad later