Anonymous
Post 06/23/2017 14:55     Subject: My husband is clueless
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hi OP,

I had a similar experience with my DH. He means well, and really was trying, but would do things that made me livid. For example he once ran an errand with DD in the car seat and left her in the running car for about 5 minutes while he dropped something off. I immediately made him aware that this was absolutely unacceptable, and like PP suggested I came at it from the legal angle, showing him articles and telling him stories about people I know that have had CPS called for such a situation. That really got his attention, he had no idea.

It's honestly a huge learning curve and you have to be careful to not flame him every minute for the small things (I'm talking about not wiping up spitup or something, not leaving kid in car) because it wears on them and in my case he said it made him feel really inadequate when he was trying his best.

My DD is now 2 and DH is much better with her, especially now that she can communicate and tell him her needs (e.g. I'm hungry). Every time we get in the car I check the car seat straps and gently remind him when they are not correct. Repeat repeat repeat.


I wonder if part of the issue is that our parents did things like that with us. I remember my car seat being in the front seat of my dad's explorer and his leaving me in it to run into the store or whatever. It was fine, nobody was calling CPS. There's plenty of times I start to get anxious about something and realize what my parents did with me was worse and I survived (one being that rubbing hands in grass counted as "washing" when there wasn't water nearby. Still alive!)


If you can remember that, you were probably 6 or 7, not 12 mos old or 2yo.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2017 14:23     Subject: Re:My husband is clueless
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I dunno - I have a friend who would walk her dog around the block while her baby was sleeping in the crib.

That never struck me as horrible.



It's an entirely cultural. Here in America for the most part we don't do this . Should add this is a fairly recent development within the last 25 years. In Europe where leaving the baby in it's crib without mom or dad is not unheard of and nobody flips over it.


SO in europe ppl leave their sleeping babies alone in their houses while they head out for "short" errands?


I have done this right here in the good old US of A. I could always see the house from where I took the dog.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2017 14:18     Subject: My husband is clueless
Anonymous wrote:Hi OP,

I had a similar experience with my DH. He means well, and really was trying, but would do things that made me livid. For example he once ran an errand with DD in the car seat and left her in the running car for about 5 minutes while he dropped something off. I immediately made him aware that this was absolutely unacceptable, and like PP suggested I came at it from the legal angle, showing him articles and telling him stories about people I know that have had CPS called for such a situation. That really got his attention, he had no idea.

It's honestly a huge learning curve and you have to be careful to not flame him every minute for the small things (I'm talking about not wiping up spitup or something, not leaving kid in car) because it wears on them and in my case he said it made him feel really inadequate when he was trying his best.

My DD is now 2 and DH is much better with her, especially now that she can communicate and tell him her needs (e.g. I'm hungry). Every time we get in the car I check the car seat straps and gently remind him when they are not correct. Repeat repeat repeat.


I wonder if part of the issue is that our parents did things like that with us. I remember my car seat being in the front seat of my dad's explorer and his leaving me in it to run into the store or whatever. It was fine, nobody was calling CPS. There's plenty of times I start to get anxious about something and realize what my parents did with me was worse and I survived (one being that rubbing hands in grass counted as "washing" when there wasn't water nearby. Still alive!)
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2017 14:09     Subject: My husband is clueless
Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why any DW would "hang" DH in public like this. Poor guy...


Did I miss where someone named the husband ?
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2017 10:52     Subject: My husband is clueless
I don't understand why any DW would "hang" DH in public like this. Poor guy...
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2017 10:50     Subject: My husband is clueless
Sometimes Dads can be the ones to not stress over every little thing that Moms tend to...but in your case, I can see where maybe he is a little lax, or that he just doesn't understand. A parenting class would probably be helpful, but also, encourage him when you see him do something well! Have you asked his opinion on things, for example, "Hon, what would you do if ..." and then name the situation. This way you could talk about it and maybe even check for resources.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2017 07:03     Subject: My husband is clueless
Does he have friends who parent small children? I imagine that you (and most other mothers) are spending time not only researching and reading about early childhood care, but also spending time with a network of other parents (DCUM counts!) and figuring out how to parent that way.

If he's not doing that, he needs to step up and learn. You should not be his only source of input on how to parent. Wives are not responsible for socializing their husbands into community norms of parenting.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2017 01:21     Subject: My husband is clueless
Anonymous wrote:My DH would leave cleaning products within reach, asthma medications... Otherwise a totally with-it guy, great dad. It was just his blind spot. I think we each have a blind spot, mine is probably family finances (I think earning two salaries is enough to get by and can't be bothered to consider investing, retirement, etc., whereas he thinks that's dangerous).


Believe me you want to have a good retirement fund
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2017 23:47     Subject: My husband is clueless
Fires happen.
Last summer I was at work in the evening and my husband was out in the backyard working on a car while the baby napped.
He heard the smoke alarm through the baby monitor. There was a fire going in our kitchen.
Imagine if he had been running errands.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2017 23:44     Subject: My husband is clueless
Fires happen.
Last summer I was at work in the evening and my husband was out in the backyard working on a car while the baby napped.
He heard the smoke alarm through the baby monitor. There was a fire going in our kitchen.
Imagine if he had been running errands.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2017 22:58     Subject: My husband is clueless
Just wait until you have two kids and are still trying to do everything and correct your accident-prone, clueless ManChild.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2017 22:56     Subject: Re:My husband is clueless
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I dunno - I have a friend who would walk her dog around the block while her baby was sleeping in the crib.

That never struck me as horrible.



It's an entirely cultural. Here in America for the most part we don't do this . Should add this is a fairly recent development within the last 25 years. In Europe where leaving the baby in it's crib without mom or dad is not unheard of and nobody flips over it.


SO in europe ppl leave their sleeping babies alone in their houses while they head out for "short" errands?
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2017 22:53     Subject: My husband is clueless
Anonymous wrote:I'm a nanny for first time dads and the one dad was SHOCKED that he couldn't just leave baby alone in his crib while he ran errands out and about. Apparently he'd done it several times before I got wind of it and shut it down hard. If you don't know, you don't know until someone teaches you.


Yeah, thinking ahead, scenario planning or having common sense can be in short supply.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2017 22:52     Subject: My husband is clueless
Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a run-off-the-mill American idiot. Nothing special, most men between 25 and 40 are like that these days. Just roll with it. Consider it a tax on being married with children.


How did his parents run their household? His role model for life skills is going to be his father, so hope that was not full-on patriarchy of cluelessness.

Secondly, check that he doesn't have ADHD. If he is walking around the house in a daze, always thinking about work (the only thing he can seem to focus on), never truly listening to what people are saying, or constantly forgetting what you have taught him, he may have Adult ADHD. Which basically means he has always had ADHD (and it is hereditary) but now that he is an adult with more responsibilities (a home, a wife, kid, actual schedule) he's hit a wall. Basic time mgmt and help organizing aspects of his life so he can fully participate will be needed, likely via a counselor.

Thirdly, if you find yourself DOING EVERYTHING and fell like your spouse is another child you have to pick up after and baby step through basic life skills, get to counseling and work out a system for managing the household before resentment kicks in.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2017 19:39     Subject: My husband is clueless
Explain a baby is not a puppy...