Breastfeeding made me very depressed and anxious. I suffered from low supply and everyone kept telling me to keep trying x, y, z. I had two pricey visits with an LC. Nothing ever got me to make enough milk and poor DS was so fussy at the boob and I resented him. I resented him for taking up real estate in my body and putting me through an incredibly stressful labor, I resented that I could never make enough milk to sustain him, I resented that life as I knew it was over. Once I came to terms with the fact that I couldn't keep up with his milk needs and started supplementing, things got better. I'd say around the 4 month mark things finally started clicking. I would seriously consider combo feeding or ending breast feeding if it's contributing to a negative relationship.

There were definitely times I would shout at the baby and get mad. It was scary and I really leaned on DH's help, especially overnight. I was screened borderline PPD, but once I started supplementing the fog for me lifted, I got more confident, and I slowly started enjoying motherhood. I had anxiety going into pregnancy due to having a later first tri MMC so I already had been seeing a therapist who could continue seeing me after giving birth and was happy to have me bring my baby. I don't like taking meds, so my therapy focused on helping me come up with positive ways to cope with how I was feeling.

We are now six months in and I always think about how my life has really changed a lot and how much there are things I miss about my old life. But it's more nostalgic than "holy sh!t I made a huge mistake!!!" which I tearfully exclaimed multiple times over the first 3 months.

As other poster's have asked, where's your partner in all this? Can you get a day away? Can you see a therapist or join a new mom's support group (like PACE)?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just hate how there is never any break. Even if you get a babysitter, that's like a 4 hour break. I need a weekend!

Grandparents are more work than anything else. They want super well behaved, babies with lots of sleep and who look nice. So you go to all this trouble to get the baby happy and then they hand him back as soon as he fusses. So they get all the happy times, you get all the shit times and you're more worn out then when you started. I get way more rest when grandparents don't "help."

What is your care plan later in your child's life? This situation is actually why I was relieved to send my baby to daycare when she was about 5 months old. I took a long maternity leave (for this country) and by the time it had passed, I was totally ready to have a better division in my life between me stuff like working, seeing friends, and whatever else, and parenting/family stuff. There are some people who are cut out to take care of kids all day long, and for better or worse, I am just not one of them. I am a much better parent if I am only actively parenting from 4pm until bedtime and on the weekend. Having parents around to help out might have helped, but honestly, if you find that you're the sort of person who just doesn't want to be around your baby 24/7, put the kid in childcare.

We have daycare. But I work so hard all day long and then am ON with kids the second I get home.

Is this OP? Do you have older children in addition to a 3 month old?

Anonymous wrote:I just hate how there is never any break. Even if you get a babysitter, that's like a 4 hour break. I need a weekend!

Grandparents are more work than anything else. They want super well behaved, babies with lots of sleep and who look nice. So you go to all this trouble to get the baby happy and then they hand him back as soon as he fusses. So they get all the happy times, you get all the shit times and you're more worn out then when you started. I get way more rest when grandparents don't "help."

PP here. I think this is the majority of your problem. You need a break, and it's okay to need a break. You are a woman, wife, friend, etc. Not just a mother. You have interests outside of being a mom. Motherhood does not own 100% of you and you probably feel like it does! I would try to talk to DH about scheduling a weekend away. Grandparents don't seem to be the most willing, but see if they would agree to keep baby for a weekend. Ask a trusting friend. Hell, if I knew you, I'd keep your baby for you! Spend some adult time with your DH to recharge!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op. Baby is 3 months

That means you're so close to things looking up! The 4th trimester is a very real thing.

I just feel horrible I don't like my baby. Does he know I don't like him? I also hate breastfeeding. It's the worst.

OP, your responses make me so sad, but I understand where you are coming from. I felt the same way with my first. Granted I was extremely young and very unprepared for what was to come, those first 6 months-1 year was rough. I had several moments where I thought "I don't like my child" and I felt no connection with her. I felt like I was caring for a stranger. All of a sudden, I was responsible for this new person that I didn't even know. Not the response I thought I would have, as everyone talks about these magical motherhood feelings. I hated being alone with her. I didn't feel like myself. I was sad a lot...but, IT GOT BETTER.

And I guarantee it'll get better for you, too. DD is now 5 years old and I'm absolutely in love with her (and have been for several years lol). Motherhood is new to you, being responsible for a new stranger is very difficult for you, and it's all okay and normal. I think infants are just hard to take care of because they're so needy. You aren't able to be yourself and take the time for yourself like you used to. It's much easier as they get older. Your feelings are temporary, OP! Talk with your SO or family/friends about how you feel. Make sure you take breaks from baby if you have the support to do so. I think you mentioned that you don't have a doctor, but I would try to get in contact with your previous OB (?) and express your feelings. Try not to think so negatively about everything (I know it's hard). You'll feel better soon. Hugs and love, OP! <3

PS - Stop breastfeeding and formula feed. Try it and see if that helps a little.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just hate how there is never any break. Even if you get a babysitter, that's like a 4 hour break. I need a weekend!

Grandparents are more work than anything else. They want super well behaved, babies with lots of sleep and who look nice. So you go to all this trouble to get the baby happy and then they hand him back as soon as he fusses. So they get all the happy times, you get all the shit times and you're more worn out then when you started. I get way more rest when grandparents don't "help."

What is your care plan later in your child's life? This situation is actually why I was relieved to send my baby to daycare when she was about 5 months old. I took a long maternity leave (for this country) and by the time it had passed, I was totally ready to have a better division in my life between me stuff like working, seeing friends, and whatever else, and parenting/family stuff. There are some people who are cut out to take care of kids all day long, and for better or worse, I am just not one of them. I am a much better parent if I am only actively parenting from 4pm until bedtime and on the weekend. Having parents around to help out might have helped, but honestly, if you find that you're the sort of person who just doesn't want to be around your baby 24/7, put the kid in childcare.

We have daycare. But I work so hard all day long and then am ON with kids the second I get home.

Where is your partner in all this?

He's on 100% too, but he does mornings whereas I get to work early and leave a bit earlier to do afternoons and evenings. I'm not really complaining, it's just the struggle of having young kids I think.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just hate how there is never any break. Even if you get a babysitter, that's like a 4 hour break. I need a weekend!

Grandparents are more work than anything else. They want super well behaved, babies with lots of sleep and who look nice. So you go to all this trouble to get the baby happy and then they hand him back as soon as he fusses. So they get all the happy times, you get all the shit times and you're more worn out then when you started. I get way more rest when grandparents don't "help."

What is your care plan later in your child's life? This situation is actually why I was relieved to send my baby to daycare when she was about 5 months old. I took a long maternity leave (for this country) and by the time it had passed, I was totally ready to have a better division in my life between me stuff like working, seeing friends, and whatever else, and parenting/family stuff. There are some people who are cut out to take care of kids all day long, and for better or worse, I am just not one of them. I am a much better parent if I am only actively parenting from 4pm until bedtime and on the weekend. Having parents around to help out might have helped, but honestly, if you find that you're the sort of person who just doesn't want to be around your baby 24/7, put the kid in childcare.

We have daycare. But I work so hard all day long and then am ON with kids the second I get home.

Where is your partner in all this?

First of all, you are right in the thick of it at 3 months - but close to at least some small improvement (at least based on our experience).

Are you still on maternity leave? Honestly going back to work and leaving her at daycare was one of the best things for my mental health (they also wear her out so she sleeps better at night - double win). I love her, but I am not cut out to be with her 24/7. That doesn't make me a bad person or a bad mom.

You do sound like you could benefit from screening for PPD. Not because you're hating this stage, but because everything seems to be cascading and overwhelming you (i.e. the thought that getting help would lead to getting fat)

We are just coming up on 6 months and it seems like every month or two there's a new development that makes me feel more like myself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just hate how there is never any break. Even if you get a babysitter, that's like a 4 hour break. I need a weekend!

Grandparents are more work than anything else. They want super well behaved, babies with lots of sleep and who look nice. So you go to all this trouble to get the baby happy and then they hand him back as soon as he fusses. So they get all the happy times, you get all the shit times and you're more worn out then when you started. I get way more rest when grandparents don't "help."

What is your care plan later in your child's life? This situation is actually why I was relieved to send my baby to daycare when she was about 5 months old. I took a long maternity leave (for this country) and by the time it had passed, I was totally ready to have a better division in my life between me stuff like working, seeing friends, and whatever else, and parenting/family stuff. There are some people who are cut out to take care of kids all day long, and for better or worse, I am just not one of them. I am a much better parent if I am only actively parenting from 4pm until bedtime and on the weekend. Having parents around to help out might have helped, but honestly, if you find that you're the sort of person who just doesn't want to be around your baby 24/7, put the kid in childcare.

We have daycare. But I work so hard all day long and then am ON with kids the second I get home.

Anonymous wrote:I just hate how there is never any break. Even if you get a babysitter, that's like a 4 hour break. I need a weekend!

Grandparents are more work than anything else. They want super well behaved, babies with lots of sleep and who look nice. So you go to all this trouble to get the baby happy and then they hand him back as soon as he fusses. So they get all the happy times, you get all the shit times and you're more worn out then when you started. I get way more rest when grandparents don't "help."

What is your care plan later in your child's life? This situation is actually why I was relieved to send my baby to daycare when she was about 5 months old. I took a long maternity leave (for this country) and by the time it had passed, I was totally ready to have a better division in my life between me stuff like working, seeing friends, and whatever else, and parenting/family stuff. There are some people who are cut out to take care of kids all day long, and for better or worse, I am just not one of them. I am a much better parent if I am only actively parenting from 4pm until bedtime and on the weekend. Having parents around to help out might have helped, but honestly, if you find that you're the sort of person who just doesn't want to be around your baby 24/7, put the kid in childcare.

I just hate how there is never any break. Even if you get a babysitter, that's like a 4 hour break. I need a weekend!

Grandparents are more work than anything else. They want super well behaved, babies with lots of sleep and who look nice. So you go to all this trouble to get the baby happy and then they hand him back as soon as he fusses. So they get all the happy times, you get all the shit times and you're more worn out then when you started. I get way more rest when grandparents don't "help."

I promise you, it gets so much better. The first year of my son's life sucked for all 3 of us. Little sleep, a strong sense of cluelessness, mind numbing busy work to keep him alive. The second year was better. By the time he turned 2, he was fun.

You will get through it. It's okay to hate it. Your only job right now is to keep him alive and safe, and you're doing a fine job of it. Take care of yourself too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op. Baby is 3 months

That means you're so close to things looking up! The 4th trimester is a very real thing.

I just feel horrible I don't like my baby. Does he know I don't like him? I also hate breastfeeding. It's the worst.

He doesn't know. If you hate breastfeeding, wean. Find ways to enjoy yourself.

I couldn't stand the isolation of the newborn phase, so I made a ton of plans with friends after they got out of work. I went to museums. I went to happy hour. I traveled with this tiny portable creature. I didn't hate breastfeeding, but if I had, I would've weaned my daughter, packed up the formula and bottles, and gone on adventures anyway. You don't have to lose your life or your personality when you have a baby. You are not a totally different person than you were 3 months ago or a year ago. You just have to figure out what works for you.

Signed,

Hosted happy hour in Dupont with a 10-day-old baby in a carseat on the floor by my feet

You're my hero! We went out to get massages a week after baby was born and left him home, but Happy Hour momming is adventurous!

I got there at 5:30 and stayed until 8:30. Baby slept almost the entire time. I had 1 amazing cocktail and a lot of sparkling water and listened to my friends tell me about the absurd nonsense they were dealing with at work, about their new boyfriends, about their crazy in-laws and neighbors. It was a really really great change-up from thinking about diaper changes and leaking boobs. I highly recommend to anyone who is struggling with the newborn phase that you just spend time with your friends hearing about their lives and not thinking about diapers and leaking boobs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op. Baby is 3 months

That means you're so close to things looking up! The 4th trimester is a very real thing.

I just feel horrible I don't like my baby. Does he know I don't like him? I also hate breastfeeding. It's the worst.

No he doesn't know and I didn't like my babies/motherhood all that much in the beginning either. Breastfeeding sucked for me too and failure at it sent me into deep depression/anxiety. If it's not working for you STOP NOW. You are in survival mode. Do what you gotta do to feel better. It does get better, I promise. Do you have any support? One thing that really helped me was taking to another mom at a birthday party. She was very candid with me about her PPD and extreme dislike of the infancy stage. It felt so good to know I wasn't alone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op. Baby is 3 months

That means you're so close to things looking up! The 4th trimester is a very real thing.

I just feel horrible I don't like my baby. Does he know I don't like him? I also hate breastfeeding. It's the worst.

He doesn't know. If you hate breastfeeding, wean. Find ways to enjoy yourself.

I couldn't stand the isolation of the newborn phase, so I made a ton of plans with friends after they got out of work. I went to museums. I went to happy hour. I traveled with this tiny portable creature. I didn't hate breastfeeding, but if I had, I would've weaned my daughter, packed up the formula and bottles, and gone on adventures anyway. You don't have to lose your life or your personality when you have a baby. You are not a totally different person than you were 3 months ago or a year ago. You just have to figure out what works for you.

Signed,

Hosted happy hour in Dupont with a 10-day-old baby in a carseat on the floor by my feet

You're my hero! We went out to get massages a week after baby was born and left him home, but Happy Hour momming is adventurous!