Can't you just "automate" everything - make him automate it? Meaning whatever % of his paycheck goes straight into savings (maybe in an account that isn't linked to his checking so he can't easily pull money out of that) + a % goes to his work 401k? After that he can spend to his heart's content? Seems like that'd work for someone whose view is that you should spend every last $ of your paycheck -- it's just that his paycheck would be smaller bc you'd be paying the savings/retirement accounts first?

Also for all of you who are saying -- oh DH would NEVER listen to me if I said he shouldn't pull $500 out to buy whatever, but with the financial advisor - he totally listens. Um - how does that not drive you crazy? That he'll listen to some random third person - likely bc it's not his wife and it's a guy - but he won't listen to you? You realize that most financial advisors aren't all that bring right? I mean the guys I know who went to financial advising were not exactly the brightest lights in the harbor but were good looking guys with good charisma so it was a good salesmen type job for them. Sure some stepped up and became fee only FAs - but reality is most of them don't beat the market or anything. And yet your DHs think those guys should be the ones consulted on whether a $1000 expenditure is ok - instead of you?

For some reason, although DH would spend in front of me, he doesn't spend when he has to own-up to the financial planner. A third person in the marriage is good.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only person I know like this had a father who died really young, so somewhere deep in his brain my friend didn't think he would ever live long enough to need savings. So he just didn't save. Ended up going to therapy for another reason, and worked this issue out too - the thinking he was going to die too young. Side effect: he started saving.

I had a business partner whose father died young. Really messes with your head, unsurprisingly. He lived for the moment - fancy dinners, great vacations, etc - and despite making million$, he was always broke. It was sad actually. Drove us apart as I am the exact opposite. The guy will bankrupt himself one day, or wake up closing in on retirement and realize it's all gone.

Otoh, it's true that yolo and you can't take it with you. What if he does die young(ish)?

OBX it's best to have some moderation on this issue - you don't want to be 80 and counting pennies - but very often the people who post on their board come across as miserly to me. Making ~ 400k and thinking they can't take a nice vacation.

I'm the PP above. Just to give more color - this guy was multiple week long "guys" trips per year, never met a $300 of bottle of wine or a $50 steak he wouldn't order, no car under $100K. But....no college savings, wife in crappy minivan, kids in public school, and he was always cash strapped. When it started to infest the business, I punched out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only person I know like this had a father who died really young, so somewhere deep in his brain my friend didn't think he would ever live long enough to need savings. So he just didn't save. Ended up going to therapy for another reason, and worked this issue out too - the thinking he was going to die too young. Side effect: he started saving.

I had a business partner whose father died young. Really messes with your head, unsurprisingly. He lived for the moment - fancy dinners, great vacations, etc - and despite making million$, he was always broke. It was sad actually. Drove us apart as I am the exact opposite. The guy will bankrupt himself one day, or wake up closing in on retirement and realize it's all gone.

Otoh, it's true that yolo and you can't take it with you. What if he does die young(ish)?

OBX it's best to have some moderation on this issue - you don't want to be 80 and counting pennies - but very often the people who post on their board come across as miserly to me. Making ~ 400k and thinking they can't take a nice vacation.

A third person in this marriage would help, a financial planner. It can be good for a marriage. DH and I live w/in a monthly budget but if DH, the spendthrift, wants an extravagant purchase, he has to call our financial guy and have him liquidate something. For some reason, although DH would spend in from of me, he doesn't spend when he has to own-up to the financial planner.

Anonymous wrote:The real question is what kind of guy is your dh?. Will he work with you and let you lead or are you going to spend the rest of your years with this idiot worrying about what he has pulled behind your back? Will he be undermining you financially while you work youself into the ground worrying about every penny when he feels like he deserves the best?

All the programs and counselors in the world won't help you if he is so broken he won't change his ways. It isn't worth it to be with someone like this.

It's your job as a parent to protect your children first op.

OP here. I agree this is key. He'll work with me, I just need to get some information in front of him. He doesn't make huge purchases behind my back, it's just a steady trickle of $30 tools here and $60 AutoZone there. It would be fine if it was sustainable, but it's coming at the cost of us having a financial cushion. And he's not undermining us on purpose- I honestly don't think he understands how to create wealth, and I need to sit him down with someone he will listen to who can explain the importance of a 401k, savings, etc. When you come from a background of nothing-- no savings, no retirement, bankruptcies (not his, but his mom's), constant financial hardship, etc-- these things are not as intuitive as many people think. A good friend of mine divorced her husband because he was stealing money from their savings to gamble. I would leave my husband before I'd put up with that sh!t.

To a PP, thanks for the rec for the guy in Bethesda. Appreciate it!

The real question is what kind of guy is your dh?. Will he work with you and let you lead or are you going to spend the rest of your years with this idiot worrying about what he has pulled behind your back? Will he be undermining you financially while you work youself into the ground worrying about every penny when he feels like he deserves the best?

All the programs and counselors in the world won't help you if he is so broken he won't change his ways. It isn't worth it to be with someone like this.

It's your job as a parent to protect your children first op.

I would just mortgage to the max and dump it into the house. You get savings and a nice place to live.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are people who do financial planning. Do you have an accountant for your taxes? Maybe they could recommend someone.

Perhaps give a general location and people might be able to recommend someone?

Rockville/Bethesda. Thanks!

We have used Robert Friedland of Friedland Financial Planning in Rockville for making a financial plan. He works on a fee-only basis (no conflict of interest) and is excellent.

http://www.friedlandfinancial.com/

Frankly, I think men are more likely to listen to other men than they are to advice from books or women.

If he just needs a reality check it might throw a bit of fear into him if you go throw everything up on bogleheads and ask for advice. They have a format that you use to post your budget, savings, net worth, home equity, all of it. If you poke around you will find others that have done the same. Just throw it all up there and ask something like "looking for advice on budgeting" or "please critique my budget" and the wealth of knowledge in the replies will astound you. Hopefully it will also shock him into action if you share it with him.

Here are a couple examples to give you ideas:

https://www.bogleheads.org/forum/viewtopic.php?t=147093

https://www.bogleheads.org/forum/viewtopic.php?t=212252

My recommendation is that you put a detailed budget together on a spreadsheet with all of your estimated expenses by month. Make sure you add a line for savings and medical expenses. So you don't get into fights about shoes, etc each of you should receive an "allowance" that is directly deposited into your personal account. Make sure he is part of the decision on how much the allowance should be so he is vested in the decision. The $ is yours do to with what you want. All lunch, haircuts, clothing etc, come out of the allowance. It goes with out saying that the allowance has to fit in your overall budget.

This book changed my perspective: "The Millionaire Next Door"

Take him to some estate sales.

Estate sales are when the couple has died, and a bunch of strangers walk through their home and buy all their stuff.

I find going to estate sales a real eye opener in regards to devoting your life to acquiring stuff. After you are dead, all your stuff is spread all over the house and lawn and a bunch of strangers come and haggle over whether that brass lamp is really worth $30 or not.

Or whether those shoes that originally cost $300 are worthy of the $4 estate sale price tag.

Going to estate sales has been a life lesson for me. Maybe he too will see how superficial it is to ruin your family by overspending on shiny things that you don't actually need.