OP, you were absolutely right to dis-enroll him. Suspension would have hurt his application to selective colleges. Take him to a psychiatrist to figure out if he is self medicating or just being stupid.

My teen (just graduated HS) just fessed up that he has been smoking pot for months. I am at loss as to how to make him stop. He is going away to college in a few weeks and obviously will continue there. I told him I am not ok with him smoking but short of locking him up (which I am obviously not going to do) I don't know what recourse I have.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Getting kicked out of a school would be a game changer for me. Your child needs some help--therapy, drug, etc. I totally agree with the pp^^ who suggested support, not punishment. To those who think aiming for job without a drug test...does not exist today. My son's graduate school required a drug test as well as another at a big corporation.

I agree, OP. You mention only in later posts that your son was actually kicked out of school and you have to find another high school for him to do his senior year? That's a MAJOR consequence, if that's what you're looking for. Here's what you do - have him research and scramble to find a new school. Have him do all the paperwork and work that's involved in getting transferred over. And, of course, no job? no money. You get roof over your head and food (no clothes). but the no job/no money thing would happen in my house whether or not my kid was caught with pot.

Technically he wasn't, we dis-enrolled him to avoid a suspension. There wasn't a lot of time to think through our options in that moment, or to even have a conversation with out kid.

I also agree with exploring the potential of mental health issues. Find a therapist who specializes in teens and who can establish a good rapport with your DS.

I'm curious about the school situation though, and you don't need to answer, but we have been down a long and rocky road with a teen (not drug related but other serious issues). By avoiding the suspension, you enabled him to avoid the natural consequences and are now looking for other consequences to impose instead. Was this because of future college prospects? It is a very tricky path to discern when you are supporting a kid and when you are enabling bad choices. We worked with a therapist (different that DC's therapist) who specialized in adolescents to help us see all the ways we were acting on behalf of our DC thinking we were supporting instead of letting DC take the full responsibility of making decisions and then dealing with the outcome.

This may not be your situation, but I thought I would share our experience.

You are doing what any parent would do, helping and trying to figure out how to get your DS to finish high school. I would do the same, yet at the same time you are(as would I) sending your DS a message that you will always bail him out. Simpy, it has to do with teen brain. On one hand we want our children to come to us for help, but at the same time we are trying to teach them that they can't get away with things. I won't pretend that I know the solution, I would be in the same mess you are in now. (I was a couple of months ago with DD throwing a party.) I think your DS is under peer pressure and can't say no. Also, where is he getting the money for it? I assume it started with friends offering it? Did you post if he is seeing a therapist? Maybe looking into a small private school where he would have a change of peer circle might be a good option? Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Getting kicked out of a school would be a game changer for me. Your child needs some help--therapy, drug, etc. I totally agree with the pp^^ who suggested support, not punishment. To those who think aiming for job without a drug test...does not exist today. My son's graduate school required a drug test as well as another at a big corporation.

I agree, OP. You mention only in later posts that your son was actually kicked out of school and you have to find another high school for him to do his senior year? That's a MAJOR consequence, if that's what you're looking for. Here's what you do - have him research and scramble to find a new school. Have him do all the paperwork and work that's involved in getting transferred over. And, of course, no job? no money. You get roof over your head and food (no clothes). but the no job/no money thing would happen in my house whether or not my kid was caught with pot.

Technically he wasn't, we dis-enrolled him to avoid a suspension. There wasn't a lot of time to think through our options in that moment, or to even have a conversation with out kid.

As I see it, the issue isn't about whether or not it's ok to use marijuana. It is trust and poor judgment - to the extent that he has had serious consequences imposed. OP said no use of pot while in her house. OP's son not only used, but got caught twice. Second time OP's son got caught, he got kicked out of school so it is going to cost OP money and be a huge pain for her because of his poor judgment and failure to follow her directives. Finally, he didn't make any effort to get a job.

I know exactly what I would do. I had something happen with one of my kids that was not use of drugs, but it very much caused me not to trust him. So, he lost everything. He was no longer permitted to be out of the sight of a parent unless he was at school. We arranged his summer so that he volunteered full days - we dropped him off and picked him up. He had to shower in our bathroom with one of us outside. He had to sleep on the floor of our bedroom and had to go to bed and get up when we did. Literally, he was never allowed alone. It was a very difficult time. But, my son turned around - not to say that he doesn't do dumb teen things anymore, but they are more like forgetting to let us know where he is, not things that could get him kicked out of school or removed from the home to a juvenile placement.

Once I found him to be somewhat trustworthy, then we worked on re-building. The goal was to change things to that he didn't have the opportunity to get in trouble and where we set him up for success. He wasn't looking for a job on his own, so I found job leads for him and I drove him. Then I sat with him later while he followed up by e-mail and phone. It didn't take long before he decided to look for his own job because he wanted one that he liked rather than something I found that he qualified for.

Anonymous wrote:PP here, my DC was re-assigned to a different school (so it was more serious than suspension). DC generally avoided schools that had the disciplinary history question and required counselor recommendations (so didn't use the Common App). However, the issue was addressed in two or three of the applications. DC received zero rejections and aimed for schools where their test scores were in the top 25%.

Thanks. Our gut reaction was to dis-enroll him before they could suspend him, which is what we did. However now that we have had more time to think we are weighing options. He could technically stay at the school and just deal with whatever disciplinary action they impose - I fully expect suspension along with whatever else. We aren't sure what the best option here is. Either way the burden of figuring this out falls on me and my husband and either way it's a PITA. I asked my kid and he says he is not sure what he would prefer.

Thanks to those who suggested ruling out any mental health issues that may need to be addressed, I am going to look into this.

Anonymous wrote:Getting kicked out of a school would be a game changer for me. Your child needs some help--therapy, drug, etc. I totally agree with the pp^^ who suggested support, not punishment. To those who think aiming for job without a drug test...does not exist today. My son's graduate school required a drug test as well as another at a big corporation.

I agree, OP. You mention only in later posts that your son was actually kicked out of school and you have to find another high school for him to do his senior year? That's a MAJOR consequence, if that's what you're looking for. Here's what you do - have him research and scramble to find a new school. Have him do all the paperwork and work that's involved in getting transferred over. And, of course, no job? no money. You get roof over your head and food (no clothes). but the no job/no money thing would happen in my house whether or not my kid was caught with pot.

Getting kicked out of a school would be a game changer for me. Your child needs some help--therapy, drug, etc. I totally agree with the pp^^ who suggested support, not punishment. To those who think aiming for job without a drug test...does not exist today. My son's graduate school required a drug test as well as another at a big corporation.

PP here, my DC was re-assigned to a different school (so it was more serious than suspension). DC generally avoided schools that had the disciplinary history question and required counselor recommendations (so didn't use the Common App). However, the issue was addressed in two or three of the applications. DC received zero rejections and aimed for schools where their test scores were in the top 25%.

Anonymous wrote:This happened to my DC during junior year. Turned out DC was self-medicating for a mental health issues that was well-hidden. DC did therapy, a group drug program (marijuana specific) with random drug testing, and had some serious consequences at school. Since DC was caught at school, the police were involved. Charges dismissed with completion of the program.

OP, if you think your kid may have a dependency or could be self-medicating, then consider individual or group therapy. Something like 40% of the students in DCs school admit to smoking weed - I assume some of them just like it and don't have any mental health issues going on. If your kid has other issues, then I recommend support over punishment. Honestly, having to go to a different school will be plenty of punishment.

Everything turned out OK. DC went to a four-year college and is not a stoner but actually goes to class and gets good grades (and occasionally still smokes weed - probably won't give that up unless eventually aiming for a job with a drug test). Oh, and DC somehow avoided the marijuana-induced schizophrenia.

OP here. Was your child suspended and if so was that a problem when applying to colleges?

This happened to my DC during junior year. Turned out DC was self-medicating for a mental health issues that was well-hidden. DC did therapy, a group drug program (marijuana specific) with random drug testing, and had some serious consequences at school. Since DC was caught at school, the police were involved. Charges dismissed with completion of the program.

OP, if you think your kid may have a dependency or could be self-medicating, then consider individual or group therapy. Something like 40% of the students in DCs school admit to smoking weed - I assume some of them just like it and don't have any mental health issues going on. If your kid has other issues, then I recommend support over punishment. Honestly, having to go to a different school will be plenty of punishment.

Everything turned out OK. DC went to a four-year college and is not a stoner but actually goes to class and gets good grades (and occasionally still smokes weed - probably won't give that up unless eventually aiming for a job with a drug test). Oh, and DC somehow avoided the marijuana-induced schizophrenia.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP get your child to research marijuana induced schizophrenia. That will put an end to it.

I just scrolled to the bottom of the page to post this exact thing.

P.S. I actually knew a teen who was totally normal, no family history of schizophrenia, started smoking pot and then got it really bad. Really scary.

Yes its a medical reality not a myth and you don't need to have any schizophrenia in your family to get it. Particularly vulnerable are boys between the age of 17-21 who smoke "skunk". Manifestation of the symptoms often not appearing for several years.

Even if any of it is true, how is it relevant? It's not marijuana question, it's parent-child question (I did search for the research on suggested link, didn't find it compelling enough to think in that direction, and i also don't like the idea of recreational pot and i don't support the laws that allow it without serious regulation).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP get your child to research marijuana induced schizophrenia. That will put an end to it.

I just scrolled to the bottom of the page to post this exact thing.

P.S. I actually knew a teen who was totally normal, no family history of schizophrenia, started smoking pot and then got it really bad. Really scary.

Yes its a medical reality not a myth and you don't need to have any schizophrenia in your family to get it. Particularly vulnerable are boys between the age of 17-21 who smoke "skunk". Manifestation of the symptoms often not appearing for several years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP get your child to research marijuana induced schizophrenia. That will put an end to it.

I just scrolled to the bottom of the page to post this exact thing.

P.S. I actually knew a teen who was totally normal, no family history of schizophrenia, started smoking pot and then got it really bad. Really scary.