He works and maternity leave is leave for YOU, not him, to take care of baby!

Her maternity leave is not for HIM to go out all the time after work.

We worked it out this way. During the day, DH worked at his job and I worked at home, with the baby. He had his full time job and I had my full time job. And then the time outside of the "work day" --6 pm to 8 am, we more or less split /shared parenting duties. So, smetimes when he got home, I handed him the kid and took a break. Didn't matter where--starbucks, a walk, a nap, the gym. He got to spend one on one time with his child, I got a break. When we were able to put baby down around 7:30 or 8, we would have dinner together as a couple. I did most nights, but he was up sometimes too, usually did the early morning feed or the diaper changes, etc.

This was good because when we had a second child, there was more work and we were both used to sacrificing 'me time' for a while.

this did not mean that he did not go out on occasion with friends--but during those early months, he knew that I needed that break from being with an infant all day long. He had oppoortunities at work to work out, have lunch with friends, etc. It was not like he was slaving in an office 13 hours a day eating ramen.

Just because a woman gives birth, nurses and is the one to take maternity leave doesn't mean the father suddenly has a free pass to abdicate parenting. When is he going to become a parent? when the child is less work?


Anyway OP, there are a couple ways to handle this. If he is going out 2x/week then another 2x/week you should hand him baby when he comes home and you go out. Or, leave him with the baby all day saturday.

You've gotten lots of good advice on here (my DH goes out stays late at work every couple of weeks, but it regularly). I get lonely at home and find it helps a lot to get out everyday. Like you, DH takes the car - he drops our older DD at school and then goes to work. If I need the car (keeping older DD home to play hookie, lots of appointments etc) I drop him off and pick him up. It's 25 mins each way so that adds an hour and a half to my day so not ideal but I do it. MOST days of I want to go somewhere I use Lyft. I am very comfortable seatbelting the infant car seat in. This doesn't fix your DH's schedule or your need to see him, but it might make you feel like you have more freedom. I'd still do more if I had my own car (more spontaneous exploring) but we couldn't find a really short term lease and it didn't make sense to have a car when I returned to work. So Lyft has been great for addded freedom.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works and maternity leave is leave for YOU, not him, to take care of baby!

Uh, no. It's for her to recover - having 14 hour days with no break with an infant is mentally and physically exhausting like nothing else.

Yet billions of women, until your generation, did exactly this and, somehow, miracously survived.

Not all of them.
And because women used to be used as slaves doesn't mean that that's how things are here anymore.
And good for us.

You go ahead and choose to live that way yourself though, go ahead. It's your life.

Anonymous wrote:OP-it's 1-2x per week and about half the time he "asks" and the other half he will just tell me ahead of time. To the PP who suggested having him get up early with the baby on those days, I could try that--but I feel bad making him do that when he has to go to work that day. Should I not (feel bad)?

No you shouldn't feel bad. You're working all day too (arguably at a harder job.)

Also, "help you" with the baby? It's his kid too.

It only seems justifiable to me to take that much time alone if it's part of an agreement where you get a roughly equal amount of down-time where he watches the baby and you go do whatever you want. How often does he do that? (Also, totally unacceptable for him to just tell you rather than ask.)

You deserve a partner who's a true co-parent, and it's your right to stand up for that. Don't let either him or yourself believe that because he's a guy (or because he's working outside the home) he should do less. ;

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works and maternity leave is leave for YOU, not him, to take care of baby!

Uh, no. It's for her to recover - having 14 hour days with no break with an infant is mentally and physically exhausting like nothing else.

Yet billions of women, until your generation, did exactly this and, somehow, miracously survived.

NP. Living apart from other generations is a relatively new phenomenon. There's a reason that people say "it takes a village to raise a child"...not because people are pioneer women who struggle through 14 hour days of child-rearing, but because they had the support of the family and friends surrounding them.

+1

Also, "survival" is not the goal. A happy, healthy mom should be the goal. That requires support and work by the child's OTHER PARENT. Dad should be coming home after work to relieve the mom and spend time with his infant. It sounds like he wants to have the baby without giving up his pre-baby freedom - not gonna happen.

Single mother's seem to cope without constant whining.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works and maternity leave is leave for YOU, not him, to take care of baby!

Uh, no. It's for her to recover - having 14 hour days with no break with an infant is mentally and physically exhausting like nothing else.

Yet billions of women, until your generation, did exactly this and, somehow, miracously survived.

NP. Living apart from other generations is a relatively new phenomenon. There's a reason that people say "it takes a village to raise a child"...not because people are pioneer women who struggle through 14 hour days of child-rearing, but because they had the support of the family and friends surrounding them.

+1

Also, "survival" is not the goal. A happy, healthy mom should be the goal. That requires support and work by the child's OTHER PARENT. Dad should be coming home after work to relieve the mom and spend time with his infant. It sounds like he wants to have the baby without giving up his pre-baby freedom - not gonna happen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works and maternity leave is leave for YOU, not him, to take care of baby!

Uh, no. It's for her to recover - having 14 hour days with no break with an infant is mentally and physically exhausting like nothing else.

Yet billions of women, until your generation, did exactly this and, somehow, miracously survived.

NP. Living apart from other generations is a relatively new phenomenon. There's a reason that people say "it takes a village to raise a child"...not because people are pioneer women who struggle through 14 hour days of child-rearing, but because they had the support of the family and friends surrounding them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works and maternity leave is leave for YOU, not him, to take care of baby!

Uh, no. It's for her to recover - having 14 hour days with no break with an infant is mentally and physically exhausting like nothing else.

Yet billions of women, until your generation, did exactly this and, somehow, miracously survived.

Anonymous wrote:He works and maternity leave is leave for YOU, not him, to take care of baby!

Uh, no. It's for her to recover - having 14 hour days with no break with an infant is mentally and physically exhausting like nothing else.

Anonymous wrote:Just wondering how you would feel/felt if you're husband attended social events (like hh, team outings, etc) after work while you were home on maternity leave? Our DD is 11 weeks old now and he has been going out w friends more often now after work, which means that he doesn't get home until 8 pm or so. It's just a long day without a car (he takes it to work most of the time) and part of me is jealous! Today I'm also a little irritated, feeling like his priority should be at home now to help me with our infant. But I feel like I can't complain too much bc I'm always saying how I'd love to SAH if he made enough money, so he's probably thinking "why would she complain then"?
Anyway-reality check-should I be annoyed?

He's a disrespectful turd. After you've been home all day with an infant he goes out to happy hour? You get no break? I hope he matures.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was ok with it for an important networking event once in a while, morseo as the baby got a little older and I wasn't feeling as shell-shocked. (Took off 6 months with the first, then 5 months with the second.) But a last minute "I want to get drinks with friends" when my first was still in the colic-reflux-low-weight gaining hell would have been enough for me to break down in tears. At that point, I spent most evenings by the front door trying to calm the baby who hadn't napped all day and singing some version of "Where the eff is your father" as I desperately waited for him to pull in the driveway.

And being stuck without a car like you are would drive me over the edge unless I lived in a very walkable place. Having a newborn is isolating enough already....

This was me too. It was "all hands on deck" those first few months.

+1 Especially for my first baby. If my husband wasn't home at 6, on the dot, I would start to go a little nuts. Being at home with a tiny infant all day long is HARD.

He works and maternity leave is leave for YOU, not him, to take care of baby!

Anonymous wrote:I would have been livid. One night a week - sure. Multiple times a week to go drinking with works friends? Absolutely not. DH needs a reality check!

+1. At 11 weeks, I was nursing around the clock. I just wanted DH to hold the baby so I could shower.

I would be pissed. Occasional happy hour? Sure. 1-2x/week with an 11 week old? No way. And I firmly believe that parents need alone time. But at 11 weeks, no one should be going out that often.

My kids are old now (9 and 6) and my husband and I go out together once/week, and we each go out with our friends a couple times/month (sometimes weekly). So I'm not someone who thinks that parents shouldn't go out. But newborns are hard work and both parents need to playing an equal role.

You need to nip this in the bud now or it's going to get worse.

I would have been livid. One night a week - sure. Multiple times a week to go drinking with works friends? Absolutely not. DH needs a reality check!