Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in laws are like this but they wouldn't like me no matter who I was. I married the golden child and I will never be good enough. We've been happily married for 5 years but his parents are a huge thorn in our marriage. Any fight we've ever had is about them. It puts my DH in a bad spot but he eventually said he would pick me over them and although I would never ask him to, its nice knowing that.

If you will see them regularly, do not marry this guy. If its limited contact and you are deeply in love, I think your marriage will be fine.

A word of advice since you've only been married for 5 years: If you are having fights about your in laws now, they will only get more intense later. Eventually you will have to ask your DH to choose. I hope he meant what he said.

Anonymous wrote:My in laws are like this but they wouldn't like me no matter who I was. I married the golden child and I will never be good enough. We've been happily married for 5 years but his parents are a huge thorn in our marriage. Any fight we've ever had is about them. It puts my DH in a bad spot but he eventually said he would pick me over them and although I would never ask him to, its nice knowing that.

If you will see them regularly, do not marry this guy. If its limited contact and you are deeply in love, I think your marriage will be fine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy crap break off the engagement. The scary thing is how much of that racism your fiance has unconsciously absorbed. He might try to be PC, he proposed to you, but I bet he has some deep seated racial stereotypes that will affect his decisions.

Guess what. My DH has lots of black friends, his best friend and groomsman was black. His parents ran a small business for decades, first in a black neighborhood, and encountered and lived through many of the negative stereotypes. They got out of that neighborhood when they got enough savings. Due to their negative experiences, my inlaws openly think poorly of blacks. I thought my DH was all cool and super openminded due to his circle of friends, in which those black friends have remained constantly in the core. They spend so much time together, we go on family vacations. Well, ten years into knowing my DH, he confessed that he would never let our daughter marry a black guy. I was surprised. Apparently he thinks his friends are the exception and the rest of the black people he encountered during his personal and professional life (he's middle aged) have shaped his beliefs. But he's so PC!!!!! I think a lot came from the parental experience. I now realize the depth of how parents influence kids beliefs on matters that seem simple.

Btw, if you come from a high UMC and him way lower, that itself presents challenges that are super irritating. I "married down" and my DH's crass and just MC family drives me nuts. When you have kids, you cannot avoid the inlaws.

This is OP.

Well I think my fiance has absorbed a lot of his parents feelings. He for example, despite obvious evidence, does not think his family is racist.

He refuses to admit it. It is SO baffling.

And yes they are MC. Both parents did not attend college although my fiance and his sibling are very well educated and have good jobs. They are still MC and the cultural difference is grating. Even though I am black, I find I am more...cultured than they are?

Clearly you ARE marrying down, why do you want this dude? Is he IVY educated? I'm just curious. OP, marriage is hard and if you continue with this guy, you have ready made reasons for an early divorce. And you should be talking with your family about this! Why are you hiding it? To hide it from them is a disservice to yourself.

OP.

He is yes. He makes a very good first impression. If you see him on the street you'd never know he grew up with so much dysfunction. He is also a good guy and treats me well all other times despite his family troubles.

Also I am SO embarrassed! My parents would be SO disappointed if they knew! I kind of made my bed. How did I not see the problems with this set up early on?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy crap break off the engagement. The scary thing is how much of that racism your fiance has unconsciously absorbed. He might try to be PC, he proposed to you, but I bet he has some deep seated racial stereotypes that will affect his decisions.

Guess what. My DH has lots of black friends, his best friend and groomsman was black. His parents ran a small business for decades, first in a black neighborhood, and encountered and lived through many of the negative stereotypes. They got out of that neighborhood when they got enough savings. Due to their negative experiences, my inlaws openly think poorly of blacks. I thought my DH was all cool and super openminded due to his circle of friends, in which those black friends have remained constantly in the core. They spend so much time together, we go on family vacations. Well, ten years into knowing my DH, he confessed that he would never let our daughter marry a black guy. I was surprised. Apparently he thinks his friends are the exception and the rest of the black people he encountered during his personal and professional life (he's middle aged) have shaped his beliefs. But he's so PC!!!!! I think a lot came from the parental experience. I now realize the depth of how parents influence kids beliefs on matters that seem simple.

Btw, if you come from a high UMC and him way lower, that itself presents challenges that are super irritating. I "married down" and my DH's crass and just MC family drives me nuts. When you have kids, you cannot avoid the inlaws.

This is OP.

Well I think my fiance has absorbed a lot of his parents feelings. He for example, despite obvious evidence, does not think his family is racist.

He refuses to admit it. It is SO baffling.

And yes they are MC. Both parents did not attend college although my fiance and his sibling are very well educated and have good jobs. They are still MC and the cultural difference is grating. Even though I am black, I find I am more...cultured than they are?

Clearly you ARE marrying down, why do you want this dude? Is he IVY educated? I'm just curious. OP, marriage is hard and if you continue with this guy, you have ready made reasons for an early divorce. And you should be talking with your family about this! Why are you hiding it? To hide it from them is a disservice to yourself.

OP.

He is yes. He makes a very good first impression. If you see him on the street you'd never know he grew up with so much dysfunction. He is also a good guy and treats me well all other times despite his family troubles.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy crap break off the engagement. The scary thing is how much of that racism your fiance has unconsciously absorbed. He might try to be PC, he proposed to you, but I bet he has some deep seated racial stereotypes that will affect his decisions.

Guess what. My DH has lots of black friends, his best friend and groomsman was black. His parents ran a small business for decades, first in a black neighborhood, and encountered and lived through many of the negative stereotypes. They got out of that neighborhood when they got enough savings. Due to their negative experiences, my inlaws openly think poorly of blacks. I thought my DH was all cool and super openminded due to his circle of friends, in which those black friends have remained constantly in the core. They spend so much time together, we go on family vacations. Well, ten years into knowing my DH, he confessed that he would never let our daughter marry a black guy. I was surprised. Apparently he thinks his friends are the exception and the rest of the black people he encountered during his personal and professional life (he's middle aged) have shaped his beliefs. But he's so PC!!!!! I think a lot came from the parental experience. I now realize the depth of how parents influence kids beliefs on matters that seem simple.

Btw, if you come from a high UMC and him way lower, that itself presents challenges that are super irritating. I "married down" and my DH's crass and just MC family drives me nuts. When you have kids, you cannot avoid the inlaws.

This is OP.

Well I think my fiance has absorbed a lot of his parents feelings. He for example, despite obvious evidence, does not think his family is racist.

He refuses to admit it. It is SO baffling.

And yes they are MC. Both parents did not attend college although my fiance and his sibling are very well educated and have good jobs. They are still MC and the cultural difference is grating. Even though I am black, I find I am more...cultured than they are?

Clearly you ARE marrying down, why do you want this dude? Is he IVY educated? I'm just curious. OP, marriage is hard and if you continue with this guy, you have ready made reasons for an early divorce. And you should be talking with your family about this! Why are you hiding it? To hide it from them is a disservice to yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy crap break off the engagement. The scary thing is how much of that racism your fiance has unconsciously absorbed. He might try to be PC, he proposed to you, but I bet he has some deep seated racial stereotypes that will affect his decisions.

Guess what. My DH has lots of black friends, his best friend and groomsman was black. His parents ran a small business for decades, first in a black neighborhood, and encountered and lived through many of the negative stereotypes. They got out of that neighborhood when they got enough savings. Due to their negative experiences, my inlaws openly think poorly of blacks. I thought my DH was all cool and super openminded due to his circle of friends, in which those black friends have remained constantly in the core. They spend so much time together, we go on family vacations. Well, ten years into knowing my DH, he confessed that he would never let our daughter marry a black guy. I was surprised. Apparently he thinks his friends are the exception and the rest of the black people he encountered during his personal and professional life (he's middle aged) have shaped his beliefs. But he's so PC!!!!! I think a lot came from the parental experience. I now realize the depth of how parents influence kids beliefs on matters that seem simple.

Btw, if you come from a high UMC and him way lower, that itself presents challenges that are super irritating. I "married down" and my DH's crass and just MC family drives me nuts. When you have kids, you cannot avoid the inlaws.

This is OP.

Well I think my fiance has absorbed a lot of his parents feelings. He for example, despite obvious evidence, does not think his family is racist.

He refuses to admit it. It is SO baffling.

And yes they are MC. Both parents did not attend college although my fiance and his sibling are very well educated and have good jobs. They are still MC and the cultural difference is grating. Even though I am black, I find I am more...cultured than they are?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The question is, is there something your fiance could do that would make this bearable for you, and if so will he do it? Like, would he support you if you said you dont want to be around them anymore unless they change their ways? Or would he loudly call them out on their rudeness and say you guys are leaving the house until they can be respectful?

As it is right now, my fiance wants to be around his family in limited doses. He himself I personally think is a victim of emotional abuse from when he was little. Like I said they do not have much respect for him either. But he is blinded by his love for his family and doesnt truly see it. So I leave it be. Its between them. He visits his family once in a few weeks (they are local). I feel its rude if I do not join him occasionally but mostly only see them Christmas and Thanksgiving. It sucks because I used to LOVE the holidays and now I dread them. They are polite enough now but we have too much history and baggage for me to truly ever feel comfortable and valued by them.

Anonymous wrote:Holy crap break off the engagement. The scary thing is how much of that racism your fiance has unconsciously absorbed. He might try to be PC, he proposed to you, but I bet he has some deep seated racial stereotypes that will affect his decisions.

Guess what. My DH has lots of black friends, his best friend and groomsman was black. His parents ran a small business for decades, first in a black neighborhood, and encountered and lived through many of the negative stereotypes. They got out of that neighborhood when they got enough savings. Due to their negative experiences, my inlaws openly think poorly of blacks. I thought my DH was all cool and super openminded due to his circle of friends, in which those black friends have remained constantly in the core. They spend so much time together, we go on family vacations. Well, ten years into knowing my DH, he confessed that he would never let our daughter marry a black guy. I was surprised. Apparently he thinks his friends are the exception and the rest of the black people he encountered during his personal and professional life (he's middle aged) have shaped his beliefs. But he's so PC!!!!! I think a lot came from the parental experience. I now realize the depth of how parents influence kids beliefs on matters that seem simple.

Btw, if you come from a high UMC and him way lower, that itself presents challenges that are super irritating. I "married down" and my DH's crass and just MC family drives me nuts. When you have kids, you cannot avoid the inlaws.

Anonymous wrote:Holy crap break off the engagement. The scary thing is how much of that racism your fiance has unconsciously absorbed. He might try to be PC, he proposed to you, but I bet he has some deep seated racial stereotypes that will affect his decisions.

Guess what. My DH has lots of black friends, his best friend and groomsman was black. His parents ran a small business for decades, first in a black neighborhood, and encountered and lived through many of the negative stereotypes. They got out of that neighborhood when they got enough savings. Due to their negative experiences, my inlaws openly think poorly of blacks. I thought my DH was all cool and super openminded due to his circle of friends, in which those black friends have remained constantly in the core. They spend so much time together, we go on family vacations. Well, ten years into knowing my DH, he confessed that he would never let our daughter marry a black guy. I was surprised. Apparently he thinks his friends are the exception and the rest of the black people he encountered during his personal and professional life (he's middle aged) have shaped his beliefs. But he's so PC!!!!! I think a lot came from the parental experience. I now realize the depth of how parents influence kids beliefs on matters that seem simple.

Btw, if you come from a high UMC and him way lower, that itself presents challenges that are super irritating. I "married down" and my DH's crass and just MC family drives me nuts. When you have kids, you cannot avoid the inlaws.