Works great til someone finds a new partner

The most well adjusted post divorce kids I know are from one of my closest friend’s family. They all set out to put out no barriers between the families, no matter how it made the parents feel. They shared major milestones, and often shared holidays under the same roof as a large, if awkwardly, blended family (2 spouses, exes spouses, all the kids, half-siblings, and stepsiblings).

To me, this was the most amazing, and highest testament to this family being committed to being there for their children. It’s made me rethink what divorced people CAN do if they choose to. And, to be frank, there was some terrible stuff that led to the dissolution of one of the first marriages, but the choice to not let it change what family meant, was so meaningful to me.

I’m older now, and all these “kids” have gone on to great things, and great relationships. The families STILL meet.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think about whether it is really for the kids or is it because you want to present a facade of a happy divorced family. Little kids will want you both there, but bigger kids may find it awkward and if it is fake, will see through it.

Do people really take that into considerations? being a 'happy divorced family? ExDH and I go to DD's events together because we both want to be at the events.

My mom does. She cheated and everyone in our town knows it, and she thinks if other people see us at events together that will mean she didn't do anything wrong. So she is always pressuring me and my dad and stepmom to make plans, sit together, etc. It sucks. I wish she would just let it lie.

My brother and his ex still do things as a family with their 2 kids (ages 6 and 4) all the time. They've been divorced for 3 years.

Ex celebrates holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas with my brother and nephews at my parents house (her parents live out of the country.) A few months ago they all went to Hawaii together.

My ex and I are both remarried. We attend things for our kids together with our new spouses. It’s worked for 13 years now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think about whether it is really for the kids or is it because you want to present a facade of a happy divorced family. Little kids will want you both there, but bigger kids may find it awkward and if it is fake, will see through it.

+1. Also, for all kids, teaching them that what is right is to present a facade of happiness is not exactly teaching them to have healthy relationships.

Teaching them to treat others with a basic level of respect? OK.

Teaching them to stuff your feelings down about something or so lack boundaries that you are doing something you are not comfortable with or which requires really inequitable inputs? Not OK.

Yes, it’s a very important part of “teaching them to have healthy relationships” to stay as spiteful as possible toward your ex and always put your grudges over your kids needs. I swear, the rationalizations people come up with...

Anonymous wrote:Think about whether it is really for the kids or is it because you want to present a facade of a happy divorced family. Little kids will want you both there, but bigger kids may find it awkward and if it is fake, will see through it.

Do people really take that into considerations? being a 'happy divorced family? ExDH and I go to DD's events together because we both want to be at the events.

We attend plenty of things together, but we get along pretty well now that we're not forced to be around each other or into a romantic relationship.

We attend DD's school events, birth parties, and even playdates together (if scheduling and circumstances make it appropriate). Most other parents at school don't know we're divorced, we don't explicitly state it nor do we hide it, but they see us at events together regularly (neither dating or remarried).

It's not a big deal, if both parents can be mature and treat is as a non issue.

No one is mentioning the obvious here. Some people get divorced because there is violence. Obviously, these couples are not magically ok 20 or even 30 years later. That is why I clicked on this thread. To see how others have dealt with this. I appear unreasonable for not wanting to attend parties. Like just get over it already but, some things you just don't do get over.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of family events are we talking about? If there's a wedding on my side of the family ex would not be invited. Holiday celebrations each would do their own. That's what most people do. If you get married then you have to juggle with spouses family.

Sometimes holidays, our child's birthday, milestone birthdays for family members, and family reunions. I'm still single, but my ex is remarried and somehow she's ok with this.

If everyone's ok it's great. If one isn't then it can be separate which also works.

I clicked on this thread because I read the title and thought how nice the effort sounded. My divorced parents didn't speak to each other and their dislike for each other affected me greatly. PlePlase

Anonymous wrote:What kind of family events are we talking about? If there's a wedding on my side of the family ex would not be invited. Holiday celebrations each would do their own. That's what most people do. If you get married then you have to juggle with spouses family.

Sometimes holidays, our child's birthday, milestone birthdays for family members, and family reunions. I'm still single, but my ex is remarried and somehow she's ok with this.

My three youngest kids spend summers with their dad in another state 1,100 miles from us, and we drive them out the first of June and go back to get them around the first of August. We always have get-togethers with my ex-husband's family while we are there, because they've always been like my family, and his parents treat my husband like he's an extra son-in-law.

What kind of family events are we talking about? If there's a wedding on my side of the family ex would not be invited. Holiday celebrations each would do their own. That's what most people do. If you get married then you have to juggle with spouses family.

Anonymous wrote:Works well until someone gets a new BF/GF

It shouldn't unless there's improper boundaries. When you divorce the boundaries need to be established.