My FIL was a terrible father, although not physically abusive, but verbally. He is a crotchety old man now. He barely checked in with either of his children from the time they were 18 (when their mom divorced him) up to the time when he suddenly needed help. So now my husband sees him, helps him out, and I allow him to visit us and see the kids occasionally. But he is NEVER alone with them. One time we had to cut a visit short because he started yelling and cursing (at my husband) and it scared the crap out of my son (and me!). SO, my attitude it that we do not owe him anything. He is welcome if he can keep his temper under control, but he is not going to be with the kids alone, and if he acts up, he leaves.

I wouldn't bother with the talk and I wouldn't leave my kids alone. Sorry.

I love my dad and he wasn't as bad as yours, but with age, it's not like he's gotten more patient or understands normal growth and development of children better than he did 40 yrs ago.

It may not be physical but even words have an effect. My dad SCREAMED at my 2 year old to turn the dining room light back on when he turned it off. He had just learned to push the stool over to reach it and was learning cause/effect.

Instead of being normal my father LOST IT and I was sitting right there. To see my child flinch and cry like I must have all those years ago was like "nope". Dad had a hissy and had a big song and dance about leaving early for the airport and "I was going to give you a lot of money but now I'd rather spend it on a ticket home" and I told him to do what he needed to do but that he couldn't treat my kids like that. He later got over it and told me his blood sugar had been low (it's never low so that's bs) so he was sorry he was cranky. So just because the alcohol is out of the picture, it doesn't mean the excuses are.

FWIW, my late-grandmother abused my mother and was an alcoholic. She never laid a hand on me.

My dad did not spare the rod either and actually never hit my brother, just the girls. He spanked my son once (because my son slapped me) but I never left him alone with him after that.

I would cut him off totally. But, at the very least, only supervised contact.

Anonymous wrote:Don't rely on a conversation or promises. Your father is never with your kid without you present. The end.

Yes this.

Having a conversation with him only opens this up to discussion. It is not open to discussion. He doesn't even need to know that this is a rule. Just make sure it never happens. Only mention that it's a rule if you are absolutely out of other options for why your father can not be left alone with your kids.

My kids have loving grandfathers and only one has been alone with one of them for just a few hours. Older men aren't that interested in baby sitting. Your mother will be the problem here, since she also can not be trusted because of her past actions. But the same rule goes for her too.

I would also recommend attending Al-Anon meetings for Adult Children of Alcoholics in order to get support from people who have been through your experience.