Anonymous
Post 05/15/2017 12:59     Subject: DH would not come to family Mother's Day celebration
Anonymous wrote:Back story: it was not planned. My parents were out of town until this morning. BIL called and said my parents were coming over for brunch and that we were invited. DH said no and he had a couple things he wanted to do on his own.

I guess I was under the premise he actually wanted to spend time with my family. He even bought my mom a present and picked out a card but when the time came he just didn't want to come.

He is estranged from his Mom, he didn't have any concrete plans today at all. He went to go buy SOCKS for gods sake.


I don't understand this scenario at all. He took you out to breakfast on Mother's Day but you don't mention any kids? And then you wanted him ALSO to devote the rest of his day hanging around your family because you randomly decided to throw something together? And not anything with his family or his mom. It just sounds like you want him following you around all day for no particular reason other than you told him so.
Anonymous
Post 05/15/2017 12:23     Subject: DH would not come to family Mother's Day celebration
Anonymous wrote:There is never any obligation to attend last minute plans. Full stop.


I feel that there is an obligation between spouses, when both are invited to a last minute thing, to discuss each spouse's preference regarding that event. It's not appropriate to just say, "Nah, I don't feel like going" and think that's the end of the conversation about a family invitation.
Anonymous
Post 05/15/2017 12:19     Subject: DH would not come to family Mother's Day celebration
There is never any obligation to attend last minute plans. Full stop.
Anonymous
Post 05/15/2017 10:59     Subject: Re:DH would not come to family Mother's Day celebration
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So.... Is it possible he feels a little sad on mother's day BECAUSE he is estranged from his mother..
Maybe he needs a little time to himself to feel sad (ambivalent, frustrated, angry? ) by himself.
On this day that you are celebrating with your mom, maybe that is hard for him. Let's be honest, even if his parents suck, they still raised him.


It's really sad to me that OP does not get this.


Yeah, I'm struggling to see why OP is pushing so hard on this. The second I read that the husband has a strained relationship with his own mom, I knew that's what this might be about.

Dial it back OP. Find space to be gracious.


Yes, this is the obvious reason. OP, perhaps show a little more understanding? Even if he didn't expressly say this, read between the lines, and support your husband.
Anonymous
Post 05/15/2017 10:26     Subject: DH would not come to family Mother's Day celebration
Anonymous wrote:I'm with the husband on this one. I'm an introvert who NEEDS alone time. Sometimes I'm cool with last minute plans but other times no way, need that down time more. Respect your husband and the fact that today, for whatever reason, was a day he really needed and wanted some time to himself.


Maybe on any other day "for whatever reason" would be okay. On Mother's Day, there should be a reason. And if there is, SPEAK ABOUT IT. Communication is key to strong, supportive relationships.
Anonymous
Post 05/15/2017 08:22     Subject: DH would not come to family Mother's Day celebration
I really would like to know if OP has kids. If so, he should have done it. If not, who cares?
Anonymous
Post 05/15/2017 08:19     Subject: Re:DH would not come to family Mother's Day celebration
He totally gets to pass since it was a really last minute thing. It doesn't sound like the you two were planning on spending the rest of the day doing family stuff anyway, what does it matter? I'd be disappointed but totally understand.

The Mother's Day stuff is getting wildly out of hand, IMO.
Anonymous
Post 05/15/2017 08:07     Subject: DH would not come to family Mother's Day celebration
Ithink it was a selfish to avoid the last minute plans on Mother's Day. I'd be annoyed and self conscious that he couldn't be bothered to come. Sometimes you have to just suck it up for your spouse.
Anonymous
Post 05/15/2017 07:59     Subject: DH would not come to family Mother's Day celebration
That is, by myself.
Anonymous
Post 05/15/2017 07:59     Subject: DH would not come to family Mother's Day celebration
What I would have done to have spent yesterday buying socks. B you myself.
Anonymous
Post 05/15/2017 03:11     Subject: DH would not come to family Mother's Day celebration
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Listen, my husband is an introvert, and while he will willingly do family functions, he does also enjoy and need alone time to recharge. I wouldn't spring a last-minute thing on him like this.
I'm an extrovert, and last-minute social things don't phase me in the least, in fact I like them. DH and I respect that we have differences in these matters. He doesn't resent me for doing more social things, and I don't resent him for not always wanting to come along.
Again, if this had been a planned event, it would be understood that he would go.
No need for you to apologize, get defensive, or feel hurt.


This.

I bet if it were a situation where a DIL didn't want to go to an event for her spouse's MIL y'all would have NO problem saying she should be able to do what she wants.


Not if it was Father's Day
Anonymous
Post 05/15/2017 00:25     Subject: DH would not come to family Mother's Day celebration
OP said he went to "buy socks." Was that his plan for alone time? And you were going to stay home with the kids? I'm an introvert and love my alone time, but for me it means staying home and not dealing with other people. I don't go "buy socks." Life has led me to be suspicious of anyone adamant about needing to go "buy socks" all afternoon.
Anonymous
Post 05/14/2017 23:28     Subject: DH would not come to family Mother's Day celebration
I'm with the husband on this one. I'm an introvert who NEEDS alone time. Sometimes I'm cool with last minute plans but other times no way, need that down time more. Respect your husband and the fact that today, for whatever reason, was a day he really needed and wanted some time to himself.
Anonymous
Post 05/14/2017 23:03     Subject: DH would not come to family Mother's Day celebration
So what was your original plan if it wasn't for the last minute invite? And what did your dh do with the present he got for your mom?

Did you tell your dh that it would mean a lot to you if he forfeited his alone time and go with you? Does he have respect for you otherwise?
Anonymous
Post 05/14/2017 22:59     Subject: DH would not come to family Mother's Day celebration
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yes I understand it was last minute. At the same time it sucks to basically have him say he'd rather be by himself on Mother's Day rather than spend time with me and my family.


He spent time with you this morning he picked out a gift and card for YOUR mother. Did you even consider for a moment that being around your family might be very difficult on mother's day?


+1