Anonymous
05/23/2017 23:02
Subject: Struggling enormously as a SAHM to a SN toddler - and in general
OP, If you're still reading, I want you to know that I feel your pain.
Please ignore the nasty posters. I used to post here about my SN kid, and there were always nasty posters. I don't know why they do this. Maybe they are teenaged trolls, but it's upsetting when you are trying to deal with a real problem.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I admit there were some pretty bad days, and days I thought my marriage was over. Something like half of marriages end when there's an SN kid involved. It is so supremely stressful. There were days when I would go to bed and pray to God to help me like my child! I would go into her room while she was asleep and look at her and remember what she was like when she was a baby, before all the awful behavior began, so I could remember that I love her, despite the horror of her behavior.
My DD is much better now, and so is my marriage. DH finally got on board, and after I threatened to divorce him, started paying attention, dealing with his own stress, taking meds for depression, and focusing on his child. It was not easy to get there, and it was DH's choice. If he hadn't made that choice, we'd probably be divorced.
Just take it one step at a time, OP. You've got meds. They may or may not work (meds did not work for me at all!), but if you're not feeling better, try a different med. The fact that you're trying to do something for yourself is an important first step. A couple days a week of day care will give you time to find yourself a job. Keep working at that. A job will give you money and independence and separation from both your child and DH.
Keep trying, and you will find solutions. It's not easy, it's exhausting, but keep going for yourself and your child.
Please ignore the nasty posters. I used to post here about my SN kid, and there were always nasty posters. I don't know why they do this. Maybe they are teenaged trolls, but it's upsetting when you are trying to deal with a real problem.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I admit there were some pretty bad days, and days I thought my marriage was over. Something like half of marriages end when there's an SN kid involved. It is so supremely stressful. There were days when I would go to bed and pray to God to help me like my child! I would go into her room while she was asleep and look at her and remember what she was like when she was a baby, before all the awful behavior began, so I could remember that I love her, despite the horror of her behavior.
My DD is much better now, and so is my marriage. DH finally got on board, and after I threatened to divorce him, started paying attention, dealing with his own stress, taking meds for depression, and focusing on his child. It was not easy to get there, and it was DH's choice. If he hadn't made that choice, we'd probably be divorced.
Just take it one step at a time, OP. You've got meds. They may or may not work (meds did not work for me at all!), but if you're not feeling better, try a different med. The fact that you're trying to do something for yourself is an important first step. A couple days a week of day care will give you time to find yourself a job. Keep working at that. A job will give you money and independence and separation from both your child and DH.
Keep trying, and you will find solutions. It's not easy, it's exhausting, but keep going for yourself and your child.
Anonymous
05/22/2017 15:49
Subject: Struggling enormously as a SAHM to a SN toddler - and in general
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I got a prescription today and have to fill it, and thrown tackle finalizing the preschool/daycare thing. Wish me luck.
If you have had a chance to get started with medication, do you notice any difference/feeling any better?
Anti-depressants take weeks if not months to "kick in." So OP, don't feel discouraged if you don't feel different immediately. Also, kudos for getting the ball rolling. One foot in front of the other!
Anonymous
05/22/2017 14:56
Subject: Struggling enormously as a SAHM to a SN toddler - and in general
Anonymous wrote:I got a prescription today and have to fill it, and thrown tackle finalizing the preschool/daycare thing. Wish me luck.
If you have had a chance to get started with medication, do you notice any difference/feeling any better?
Anonymous
05/17/2017 13:10
Subject: Struggling enormously as a SAHM to a SN toddler - and in general
I got a prescription today and have to fill it, and thrown tackle finalizing the preschool/daycare thing. Wish me luck.
Anonymous
05/16/2017 15:11
Subject: Struggling enormously as a SAHM to a SN toddler - and in general
Glad to hear it! You are taking great steps forward already! You should feel good about that!
Anonymous
05/16/2017 14:50
Subject: Struggling enormously as a SAHM to a SN toddler - and in general
Op again- thank you all again. I have an appointment tomorrow to explain my depression to a doctor and hopefully begin medication and have seen my therapist. We are looking to start with a daycare with an excellent rep and personal recs from a friend who knows my child well; I think two full days will give stimulation and fun times with other very young kids and it would be beneficial.
Talking about this stuff with some people who have BTDt is truly helpful.
Talking about this stuff with some people who have BTDt is truly helpful.
Anonymous
05/16/2017 11:09
Subject: Re:Struggling enormously as a SAHM to a SN toddler - and in general
Your child is very young. Sometimes it's ok to take a break. You mentioned your child's behavior. Behavior IS communication, and DC may be telling you -- enought! Especially if he spends a lot of time in therapy that is draining for the whole family.
Some of our DC's biggest progress came when we just took him on a fun vacation where everyone could relax. All of a sudden, like that first day of vacation (it was at Disney) he started combining words, which we had worked on for months in speech therapy.
Anonymous
05/15/2017 16:26
Subject: Struggling enormously as a SAHM to a SN toddler - and in general
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:15:28, you're a badass. How old is your child? I know it seems unlikely but I make a weekly list of what is good, but it's always short and I feel like I'm kidding myself.
Is it normal for one parent to really tumble into depression if a baby has SNs and he other spouse initially denies the necessity for assessments and services? I'm really asking.
No it is not normal. Not unheard of, but not normal. You've gotten some good advice here (get meds stat). Remind yourself that it will be financially harder if you separate now. Focus on medication and getting out of your depression first, job second, husband/divorce third.
Disagree. I have seen a lot of SN couples where the mom is depressed and exhausted essentially doing everything for the child's therapies and at-home follow up, and the father is in denial, probably depressed too. I agree with the poster PP who said it often takes fathers longer to get on board with a diagnosis. Not always, but often.
+1 I've seen this in several families.
Anonymous
05/14/2017 20:24
Subject: Struggling enormously as a SAHM to a SN toddler - and in general
Your immediate problem is that you need to find a way to support yourself (and your child, if it came to that). It sounds like you've been applying. What about finding something less traditional. Even if you had no other special skills, you write very well. Maybe you could consider freelance writing? There are pretty low barriers to entry these days. You could do it from home, on your time schedule. Start out small and work up a reputation. You're capable and you're determined. You'll get there. After you find a way to support yourself (ideally something that has absolutely nothing to do with your husband), then you can start sorting out the rest of your life. And even if it takes a long time (which it probably will), at least you'll be doing something to improve your situation. That will make you feel a LOT better.
And you should also read some good books about codependency.
And you should also read some good books about codependency.
Anonymous
05/14/2017 13:50
Subject: Re:Struggling enormously as a SAHM to a SN toddler - and in general
In the future, I wouldn't answer for your DH. If he wants to say he doesn't have a low threshold for frustration, let him. Plus, it doesn't really matter. What matters is how you manage your reactions. You do not need to "handle" or react to his behavior and/or possible alcoholism. Go to an al-anon meeting. Not saying it's not difficult. It's just not your role.
Ideally both parents would be learning and adopting the same strategies, but I've only seen a few couples who actually do this. (My spouse and I definitely aren't one of them unfortunately.) I've seen more than one parent (both moms & dads) storm out of an evaluation/therapy session/social skills class/IEP meeting etc. Sometimes they are just frustrated, sometimes they truly have a low threshold for frustration, and sometimes they are in denial.
Given how stressful home life seems to be, keep going with services if they're offered. You don't want a gap in services, then see a regression. GL.
Ideally both parents would be learning and adopting the same strategies, but I've only seen a few couples who actually do this. (My spouse and I definitely aren't one of them unfortunately.) I've seen more than one parent (both moms & dads) storm out of an evaluation/therapy session/social skills class/IEP meeting etc. Sometimes they are just frustrated, sometimes they truly have a low threshold for frustration, and sometimes they are in denial.
Given how stressful home life seems to be, keep going with services if they're offered. You don't want a gap in services, then see a regression. GL.
Anonymous
05/14/2017 09:11
Subject: Struggling enormously as a SAHM to a SN toddler - and in general
Anonymous wrote:OP, one of my kids had severe gross motor delays during his first few years, and some associated issues that required a lot of intervention. It so happened that his birth coincided w/a major professional setback for my husband and he became very depressed. We had an older child and I work FT so I didn't really have the luxury to do anything other than just keep going.
What strikes me is that you are seeing all your problems through the lens of your child's SN -- despite the fact that you mention that he's now on track. You might want to explore why that is; from what you posted, it doesn't sound like your child's hypotonia is really the stressor in your life right now, other things are. So why are you focusing on the SN issues instead of your own unhappiness or your husband's drinking problem?
Thank you for the response. I posted here because I feel we are at impasse - pt isn't seeming to contribute much but I am loath to stop because my kiddo still has some delays. It is getting so hard to have sessions with the fits (thank you pp for the Kazdin rec). Further, now is when we have to decide whether to assess whether to see ongoing serviced after the third birthday-- and my husband doesn't even want/support my getting an eval. While I do think I need antidepressants and a job, and to stabilize myself before deciding what I can handle with h my husbands alcoholism, there are issues tied strictly into EI/SN stuff. I'm focused on all of it but I'm here because I do worry there may be some behavioral stuff brewing. We saw a ped neuro after starting pt at my pushing. He asked if we had noticed a low frustration threshold-- i Do and DH doesn't. (after that appt DH stormed at me that my kid would have been fine with no EI. Absolutely not true - no crawling for 14 months).
I know I'm depressed. I'm in therapy and focusing on what I can do. But there is a SN piece and I will never believe this dynamic of me trying to confront delays with a depressed, angry, drinking and in denial spouse didn't add hugely to my issues. Even if that's an unattractive thing to write.
Anonymous
05/14/2017 07:54
Subject: Struggling enormously as a SAHM to a SN toddler - and in general
OP, one of my kids had severe gross motor delays during his first few years, and some associated issues that required a lot of intervention. It so happened that his birth coincided w/a major professional setback for my husband and he became very depressed. We had an older child and I work FT so I didn't really have the luxury to do anything other than just keep going.
What strikes me is that you are seeing all your problems through the lens of your child's SN -- despite the fact that you mention that he's now on track. You might want to explore why that is; from what you posted, it doesn't sound like your child's hypotonia is really the stressor in your life right now, other things are. So why are you focusing on the SN issues instead of your own unhappiness or your husband's drinking problem?
What strikes me is that you are seeing all your problems through the lens of your child's SN -- despite the fact that you mention that he's now on track. You might want to explore why that is; from what you posted, it doesn't sound like your child's hypotonia is really the stressor in your life right now, other things are. So why are you focusing on the SN issues instead of your own unhappiness or your husband's drinking problem?
Anonymous
05/14/2017 07:34
Subject: Struggling enormously as a SAHM to a SN toddler - and in general
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:15:28, you're a badass. How old is your child? I know it seems unlikely but I make a weekly list of what is good, but it's always short and I feel like I'm kidding myself.
Is it normal for one parent to really tumble into depression if a baby has SNs and he other spouse initially denies the necessity for assessments and services? I'm really asking.
No it is not normal. Not unheard of, but not normal. You've gotten some good advice here (get meds stat). Remind yourself that it will be financially harder if you separate now. Focus on medication and getting out of your depression first, job second, husband/divorce third.
Disagree. I have seen a lot of SN couples where the mom is depressed and exhausted essentially doing everything for the child's therapies and at-home follow up, and the father is in denial, probably depressed too. I agree with the poster PP who said it often takes fathers longer to get on board with a diagnosis. Not always, but often.
I've seen this too. I've also seen parent play the blame game with each other as to why their kid has SN. There's no one to blame. It is what it is.
Anonymous
05/14/2017 04:12
Subject: Struggling enormously as a SAHM to a SN toddler - and in general
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:15:28, you're a badass. How old is your child? I know it seems unlikely but I make a weekly list of what is good, but it's always short and I feel like I'm kidding myself.
Is it normal for one parent to really tumble into depression if a baby has SNs and he other spouse initially denies the necessity for assessments and services? I'm really asking.
No it is not normal. Not unheard of, but not normal. You've gotten some good advice here (get meds stat). Remind yourself that it will be financially harder if you separate now. Focus on medication and getting out of your depression first, job second, husband/divorce third.
Disagree. I have seen a lot of SN couples where the mom is depressed and exhausted essentially doing everything for the child's therapies and at-home follow up, and the father is in denial, probably depressed too. I agree with the poster PP who said it often takes fathers longer to get on board with a diagnosis. Not always, but often.
Anonymous
05/13/2017 23:05
Subject: Struggling enormously as a SAHM to a SN toddler - and in general
Zoloft combined with CBT helped me with similar feelings. Meds alone probably will help, but not as much as combined with CBT. You need to chance your thought patterns and processes.