Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the siblings were the squeaky wheel and demanded that the family pay for their education. Was it really that simple? Why didn't your husband demand the same? Perhaps you should be mad at him for not asking.

He thought it was wrong at the time. When his siblings did it he brought it up and was told flat out that his wife (me) could afford to do it. After that, he had very little contact with his family for years, but eventually he got over it. I never could. Maybe that makes him a better person, who knows.

so your husband was too scared to ask his parents to help with his college bills? he'd rather force his young working wife to pay his debts. Yuck.
I hope he has his priorities straight now.

I understand why OP is so hurt and angry. She and her parents loved and supported her husband while his parents neglected him but supported his siblings. That is awful. Even if it was a matter of timing, they should have spoken to you both about any change of events ("now we have money for everyone's tuition")

You didn't say it beyond "immigrant" but it reaks of discrimination and bigotry towards you, your class, your immigration status (which is legal).

I'm sorry. I think you all need to talk about it as a group, with the adult siblings. You have been mistreated and take advantage of for years. The siblings may have no idea the extent. It may be best for you for them to know. You're not asking for anything beyond them listening and trying to understand what you are working through. Work through it and then enjoy your big family.

Other healthy option is to work through it yourself solo and get over it. It sucks but no one is going to give you anything for bringing this up over and over again. it is OK and therapeutic to bring it up once but then move on.

Get off DCUM and find a therapist. Seriously, if you're actually sincere then get on Google and/or your insurance company's website. If you have the time to post here, you have the time to do it. I doubt you will though.

Anonymous wrote:You are blaming your DH's family, when your DH is the one who ultimately decided to not ask his family to reimburse him for his education.

Who pays for a child's higher education is a cultural difference between you and your DH and his family and you aren't willing to accept this difference or work through it. Although for some reason, you were very willing to date and marry outside of your culture.

You're getting to play the victim/martyr, which is the powerful role here. You get to call all the shots and feel sorry for your poor, poor self. Not so easy to let that go and choose happiness for your family instead.

I get that. I had issues with my own family but we worked through them because fundamentally we love each other. But I just can't seem to be able to do it with these people because I see what they are doing now as too lit, too late.

Anonymous wrote:You are blaming your DH's family, when your DH is the one who ultimately decided to not ask his family to reimburse him for his education.

Who pays for a child's higher education is a cultural difference between you and your DH and his family and you aren't willing to accept this difference or work through it. Although for some reason, you were very willing to date and marry outside of your culture.

You're getting to play the victim/martyr, which is the powerful role here. You get to call all the shots and feel sorry for your poor, poor self. Not so easy to let that go and choose happiness for your family instead.

This PP is right. You made the best adult decisions you could at the time, and you need to let it go.

I've got to think your depression is talking here.

My husband paid off my student loans when we got married. Neither he nor I ever thought of asking my parents to do this - they paid their contribution while I was in college. My sister got married about 10 years after I did and my parents were able to contribute much more to her wedding than they did to mine. We asked for some help when we made a down payment on our most recent house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just let your kids and DH go instead of ruining it for him. Then you get sit at home sulking about something that happened 20 years ago.

I wish I could, but amazingly my kids want to spend weekends and holidays with their terrible person of a mother and I can only make so many excuses.

So what do you want to accomplish here op. Do you want us all to agree with you that his mom or dad is a terrible, awful person and youre a saint for letting your kids be around them? Or do you want actual advice? I think you just want the first, which sorry, I won't give you.

The latter. I want to get over it, I really do, I just can't seem to be able to (his family did some other pretty awful things - when his parent was dying the other parent made DH leave the family home because DH lost his part-time job and couldn't pay rent - to me that is beyond the pale wrong, although there are people who would say that if DH got over it, so should I)

You are blaming your DH's family, when your DH is the one who ultimately decided to not ask his family to reimburse him for his education.

Who pays for a child's higher education is a cultural difference between you and your DH and his family and you aren't willing to accept this difference or work through it. Although for some reason, you were very willing to date and marry outside of your culture.

You're getting to play the victim/martyr, which is the powerful role here. You get to call all the shots and feel sorry for your poor, poor self. Not so easy to let that go and choose happiness for your family instead.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just let your kids and DH go instead of ruining it for him. Then you get sit at home sulking about something that happened 20 years ago.

I wish I could, but amazingly my kids want to spend weekends and holidays with their terrible person of a mother and I can only make so many excuses.

So what do you want to accomplish here op. Do you want us all to agree with you that his mom or dad is a terrible, awful person and youre a saint for letting your kids be around them? Or do you want actual advice? I think you just want the first, which sorry, I won't give you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just let your kids and DH go instead of ruining it for him. Then you get sit at home sulking about something that happened 20 years ago.

I wish I could, but amazingly my kids want to spend weekends and holidays with their terrible person of a mother and I can only make so many excuses.

So be a grown up and figure out how to get over it. Good Lord OP. It's like you want to harbor hate to the parent just so you can feel "right". It's really messed up. Your DH is over it. Your kids want a relationship with that side of the family. And this happened years ago. You need a good therapist. Seriously. This level of pettiness and selfishness you're exhibiting is not healthy and it's certainly not good for your children to witness.

Anonymous wrote:Just let your kids and DH go instead of ruining it for him. Then you get sit at home sulking about something that happened 20 years ago.

I wish I could, but amazingly my kids want to spend weekends and holidays with their terrible person of a mother and I can only make so many excuses.

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for both your DH and your kids. You're so stuck on this idea of what his parents should have done 20 years ago that you are negatively affecting them. The fact that you don't even seem to want to try to get over it just makes you selfish. Don't share all this with anyone but a therapist. I'd be completely turned off of a friendship with you.

The only friends I have that know this are those who were around and the time and witnessed some of the disaster. And they know that outside of this resentment that I have, I am a decent enough person. I wouldn't burden anyone else with this - if I did, I wouldn't feel the need to discuss it in an anonymous forum.

Just let your kids and DH go instead of ruining it for him. Then you get sit at home sulking about something that happened 20 years ago.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the siblings were the squeaky wheel and demanded that the family pay for their education. Was it really that simple? Why didn't your husband demand the same? Perhaps you should be mad at him for not asking.

He thought it was wrong at the time. When his siblings did it he brought it up and was told flat out that his wife (me) could afford to do it. After that, he had very little contact with his family for years, but eventually he got over it. I never could. Maybe that makes him a better person, who knows.

It does. You sound like a nightmare. I really don't see any evidence of how they (and by they I mean his surviving parent since you said one died in college) treated you badly except for the scenarios you've created in your own head

Anonymous wrote:So the siblings were the squeaky wheel and demanded that the family pay for their education. Was it really that simple? Why didn't your husband demand the same? Perhaps you should be mad at him for not asking.

He thought it was wrong at the time. When his siblings did it he brought it up and was told flat out that his wife (me) could afford to do it. After that, he had very little contact with his family for years, but eventually he got over it. I never could. Maybe that makes him a better person, who knows.