Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm really not a brat, I swear. But I've been feeling like the little red hen this past year. I have hosted them after the birth, the baptism, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter and now mothers day! No one helped me after I had the baby (other than DH). Is there some day that I get celebrated?!

My idea of mother's day is vastly different than theirs. We were going to go camping or do a picnic. My mom is going to want a fancy brunch downtown (which are probably booked already). And then MIL will be jealous we spent baby's first mother's day with my mom...

You should get the day off - no hosting! Your mom and MIL can meet you for brunch if they would like to do that. The rest of the day should be spent how YOU like.

We often take everyone to brunch on fathers day or mothers day, but it turns out to be a $300 bill (last time was $450 for 12 people). DH and I always paid because we're treating our dads and grandpas, but now that we have kids it's just crazy to pay for a brunch for so many. We really, really cannot afford it. We've stopped going to dinners with family also because we can't afford it. We always get stuck paying after our parents order up the bill.

Whoa, $300 is a lot - maybe try a different spot for brunch or just do lunch where the kids eat off the kiddie menu (my kids used to split one kiddie meal when they were little). It shouldn't cost that much to take you, your dh, your 2 kids and your two moms out to brunch. If your adult siblings come along they can pay their own way and help to pay for Mom.

PP here. Yeah last time it was my SIL, her boyfriend, our dads, our moms, grandpa and us. We told the waiter we were paying for the dads and grandpas. But then my SIL told him she's on our bill and the moms got on there too. We were pissed, but weren't going to make a scene. I mean it's not Ihop, but brunches are always $15+. I feel like the sandwich generation even though that's what Baby Boomers say a lot.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm really not a brat, I swear. But I've been feeling like the little red hen this past year. I have hosted them after the birth, the baptism, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter and now mothers day! No one helped me after I had the baby (other than DH). Is there some day that I get celebrated?!

My idea of mother's day is vastly different than theirs. We were going to go camping or do a picnic. My mom is going to want a fancy brunch downtown (which are probably booked already). And then MIL will be jealous we spent baby's first mother's day with my mom...

You should get the day off - no hosting! Your mom and MIL can meet you for brunch if they would like to do that. The rest of the day should be spent how YOU like.

We often take everyone to brunch on fathers day or mothers day, but it turns out to be a $300 bill (last time was $450 for 12 people). DH and I always paid because we're treating our dads and grandpas, but now that we have kids it's just crazy to pay for a brunch for so many. We really, really cannot afford it. We've stopped going to dinners with family also because we can't afford it. We always get stuck paying after our parents order up the bill.

Whoa, $300 is a lot - maybe try a different spot for brunch or just do lunch where the kids eat off the kiddie menu (my kids used to split one kiddie meal when they were little). It shouldn't cost that much to take you, your dh, your 2 kids and your two moms out to brunch. If your adult siblings come along they can pay their own way and help to pay for Mom.

Now that I have kids my mom sends me a Happy Mothers Day card too! We have fun when we get together 3-4x a year.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm really not a brat, I swear. But I've been feeling like the little red hen this past year. I have hosted them after the birth, the baptism, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter and now mothers day! No one helped me after I had the baby (other than DH). Is there some day that I get celebrated?!

My idea of mother's day is vastly different than theirs. We were going to go camping or do a picnic. My mom is going to want a fancy brunch downtown (which are probably booked already). And then MIL will be jealous we spent baby's first mother's day with my mom...

You should get the day off - no hosting! Your mom and MIL can meet you for brunch if they would like to do that. The rest of the day should be spent how YOU like.

We often take everyone to brunch on fathers day or mothers day, but it turns out to be a $300 bill (last time was $450 for 12 people). DH and I always paid because we're treating our dads and grandpas, but now that we have kids it's just crazy to pay for a brunch for so many. We really, really cannot afford it. We've stopped going to dinners with family also because we can't afford it. We always get stuck paying after our parents order up the bill.

Yuck. Seriously is this what you'd do to your adult kid when s/he marries and has kids at home!?! Make them pay every social bill!?!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm really not a brat, I swear. But I've been feeling like the little red hen this past year. I have hosted them after the birth, the baptism, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter and now mothers day! No one helped me after I had the baby (other than DH). Is there some day that I get celebrated?!

My idea of mother's day is vastly different than theirs. We were going to go camping or do a picnic. My mom is going to want a fancy brunch downtown (which are probably booked already). And then MIL will be jealous we spent baby's first mother's day with my mom...

Husband takes baby to MILs. You and your mother go out (shame it isn't somewhere you want, but it is a meal out). Even better if husband & baby can leave sat and come home Sunday afternoon, you can relax & enjoy some quiet time.

OP here. No way. I don't want quiet time at all. I want to be with the baby and I don't want to go to brunch in a crowded restaurant. I would love more time with the baby.

My MIL is/was the brunch type and like you, I hate it. Also I love being with my kids and nothing worse than a bunch of kids in a fancy restaurant that is understaffed and trying to push you out as fast as possible to accommodate the nine million other moms coming in. What we do is host. The day is not just about me because my MIL is a mom and I am married to a woman. It's the best we can do and if everyone can't graciously accept this celebration, then they just shouldn't come.

OP, I think you just have to realize that just because you are now a mom, it isn't all about you. Your mom and MIL have spent decades taking care of you and your husband and it's OK for them to want to be recognized too. I think it's probably hard for you right now because this is your first baby and you are just getting used to what life is with kids. In a little while, all of the hosting and craziness of holidays with kids will be easy for you and this won't be a big deal.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Why is it my responsibility to host all of them just because I have the baby that they want to see? Both MIL and my mom have living mothers. They also have other children that they could spend the day with. I just want one day celebrating me being a mother for the first time.

It isn't, but it your responsibility to say that.

OP here. Why is it my responsibility to host all of them just because I have the baby that they want to see? Both MIL and my mom have living mothers. They also have other children that they could spend the day with. I just want one day celebrating me being a mother for the first time.

I don't share. My own mother is deceased and my MIL is not a self-centered boomer--DH sends her a card and makes a donation to Save the Children for her. But the day of is about me.

Anonymous wrote:I think the flowers and firm "I am staying put" is warranted this year, with a new baby.

I am re-posting, however, with some changes, something I wrote in another thread.

Maybe it won't work for everybody, but this is what works for us.

We celebrate our roles as parents and spouses on our anniversary.

We each get a day off for parenting every five or six weeks or so. This way, we ALWAYS feel valued and rested.

While our parents are still alive, we celebrate them on Mother's and Father's day. ( Generally because their mothers are dead)

Our child is old enough now to do Mother's Day and Father's Day stuff for us on his own, which is great. But until he was able to facilitate that, we just let the day go for ourselves.

When our own parents die, we will probably take back the days for us.

This might not happen until you're in your 60s. And by that time your kids will have babies and want to celebrate it with their babies. Why not just celebrate mothers day with your kids when they're young and then later on celebrate it with your parents again until they die?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm really not a brat, I swear. But I've been feeling like the little red hen this past year. I have hosted them after the birth, the baptism, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter and now mothers day! No one helped me after I had the baby (other than DH). Is there some day that I get celebrated?!

My idea of mother's day is vastly different than theirs. We were going to go camping or do a picnic. My mom is going to want a fancy brunch downtown (which are probably booked already). And then MIL will be jealous we spent baby's first mother's day with my mom...

You should get the day off - no hosting! Your mom and MIL can meet you for brunch if they would like to do that. The rest of the day should be spent how YOU like.

We often take everyone to brunch on fathers day or mothers day, but it turns out to be a $300 bill (last time was $450 for 12 people). DH and I always paid because we're treating our dads and grandpas, but now that we have kids it's just crazy to pay for a brunch for so many. We really, really cannot afford it. We've stopped going to dinners with family also because we can't afford it. We always get stuck paying after our parents order up the bill.

I would add that since no one is local when we do get together physically there is a fair bit of gift giving (clothes) and we all take turns taking each other to dinner or cooking. Although one set of grandparents never wants to pay for groceries or restaurants and the other set fights to pay and treat our young family. Actually seems like one set of grandparents is indirectly subsidizing the other set. Both have money. Oh well, always amusing when the waitstaff takes 10 rounds to check if a CC is in the bill folder!

We don't live local so just send cards and grandpa takes grandma out to a nice brunch or dinner.

Growing up everyone was local. So we kids and dad always gave mom some cards, flowers and artwork/gift and we all went to brunch w one grandma or the other ( w mom). My dad was excellent about buying cards and flowers for my mom on brays mothersa day anniversaries, sickness, etc. My dad would take care of gifts for his parents and my mom for her side. We did not do gifts for grandparents on mothers or Father's Day. Just xmas and bday.

Now my husband is European. They barely gift one xmas present and it's usually $10 thing. They do bday dinners on a delay, "what would you like to do bday lady?" and skip Mother's Day and Father's Day. No one takes charge of those days amongst the grandpa or various sons. It's a different day than in the US and no in even bothers to tell us since no one planned jack, even a phone call.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm really not a brat, I swear. But I've been feeling like the little red hen this past year. I have hosted them after the birth, the baptism, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter and now mothers day! No one helped me after I had the baby (other than DH). Is there some day that I get celebrated?!

My idea of mother's day is vastly different than theirs. We were going to go camping or do a picnic. My mom is going to want a fancy brunch downtown (which are probably booked already). And then MIL will be jealous we spent baby's first mother's day with my mom...

Tell both of the grandmothers that you already have plans. You're going camping. Don't apologize, no excuses, just "that doesn't work for us this year, we already made plans." Then, you schedule flowers to be delivered to each grandmother on Mother's Day and don't give it a second thought.

PP beat me to typing this exact post. Follow it exactly OP. If you choose not to, then you forfeit your right to complain about not spending the day how you wanted to. Set boundaries.

Yeah, me too. OP, you are acting like the biggest problem here is your MIL, but it's not. It's your mother, and YOU - your Mom for just deciding to come, and you for not only meekly accepting that she's going to visit you, but apparently changing your plans after the fact because she has decided to visit. Grow up, grow a spine, and sent and enforce some boundaries in your life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It could be worse, I'm a divorced lesbian. I think for your first year as a mom, you should get to choose what you want to do, after that it will be a negotiation, and you should get what you want some of the time, but other times you suck it up and make another mom happy.

I think this is the hardest thing as a mom. All I do is make other people happy and there's never even one day that's all about making me happy.

Oh, please. The odds are your mother & MIL will be dead in a few years than you can have mother's day. Of course then you will be like the poster that always says, "I lost my mother last year. I'd give anything now to spend mother's day with her."

Get over the fact that a Hallmark holiday will make you happy. It won't.

Good grief, what a way to think. Wanting the day off is not akin to wishing a parent dead. And living life as though an otherwise healthy 60/70/80 year old will be "dead in a few years" is nuts.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm really not a brat, I swear. But I've been feeling like the little red hen this past year. I have hosted them after the birth, the baptism, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter and now mothers day! No one helped me after I had the baby (other than DH). Is there some day that I get celebrated?!

My idea of mother's day is vastly different than theirs. We were going to go camping or do a picnic. My mom is going to want a fancy brunch downtown (which are probably booked already). And then MIL will be jealous we spent baby's first mother's day with my mom...

You should get the day off - no hosting! Your mom and MIL can meet you for brunch if they would like to do that. The rest of the day should be spent how YOU like.