Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that disengaging in the moment, and processing later is a good strategy, but an 11 year old who is melting down to the point where they're biting needs professional help.

Whether that's medical help from a psychiatrist, or individual or family therapy, or a combination, I don't know, but biting crosses a pretty specific line. I'm a special educator, I've worked with kids with Emotional Disturbance at that age, and almost all kids, unless there are significant developmental disabilities, are able to inhibit the impulse to bite.

I'm also the parent of a child with a mental illness, so I'm not saying this judgmentally. A good professional can help immensely. Please don't wait any longer.

This post is full of wisdom.

Yes it is. Our son could be pretty violent at this age too. Hitting, kicking, biting, throwing things.

Counseling helped. He saw a child psychologist for a while.

Make an appointment. He may need help. Maybe not but as another mom of someone with a mental illness, I urge you to seek help.

OP - I don't know why your son hit his friend, but I would try to investigate. Of course, hitting is a big issue, but I remember back when my (Jewish) kid was told that the Nazis weren't so bad by a friend of his. It was a very long time before I learned the full story about how they got to this point.

That doesn't change anything about what the kid said, but it did reveal that there was no innocent party present that day.

Anonymous wrote:My 11 year old just threw epic tantrum. He hit a friend, they told me so I ended playdate and sent him to his room. He refused to go. Started throwing toys, shoes, everything yelling I'm not going to my room. I grabbed his arm started pulling him toward his room. He started kicking, biting, hitting me. I got him to his room. He's now throwing things in his room yelling and cryo by.

DCUM, what do I do?

Mom of 10 1/2 year old boy with anxiety/ADHD- I have been dealing with this kind of behavior off and on for years, and it's rearing it's head again as my DS is starting to add some hormones to the mix.

First, in future, don't force your kid to his room during a meltdown. Sure, a safe place if he is being aggressive, destructive or dangerous...however, it sounds like the aggression and destructive behavior was fueled by being sent to his room. Forced time outs for kids who struggle with emotional regulation will often cause terrible behavior escalation. A meltdown is no time to start a power struggle.

2nd- I'm a lot more concerned that your son hit his friend than I am about his meltdown. Usually anxiety (I am making an assumption that this is anxiety fueled by hormones and possibly a more global issue) will keep a kid in check around other kids by this age. They *do not* want the negative attention. Ending a playdate would have been quite embarrassing for your son (although of course it was the right thing to do). It's why his emotions were so explosive.

Now, I would simply withdraw from the battle-- tell your son that he must pick up his mess and that he will either need to skip the next playdate or lose some screen time for his behavior toward you. Let him know that his behavior was upsetting Punishment at this point is symbolic- ending the playdate was the big punishment, and the escalation needs to be dealt with via a therapist if this is not the first time this has happened.

Anonymous wrote:Thank you everyone. This is OP and the responses are really good advice. For those of you suggesting to walk away, do we just not have him be punished for his actions? His tantrum happened because he didn't want to go to his room. Should I just walk away and let him be in the rec room or wherever he wants and not ground him? I would think that would teach him that if he throws a fit, there's no grounding/punishment (but what do I know - I totally messed this one up)

We called a therapist/behaviorist today for an appointment. Hopefully we'll get more good suggestions.

I'm the one advocating a therapist. I don't think anyone is saying to walk away and never come back. They're saying not to intervene in the moment. I don't think there's anything that happens in the moment that's going to sink in. Kids who are at this point aren't processing or making connections.

Later, when the tantrum has subsided, sit down, with both parents if that's an option, and talk about what happened and decide on a consequence. But don't announce or try and implement the consequence in the moment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that disengaging in the moment, and processing later is a good strategy, but an 11 year old who is melting down to the point where they're biting needs professional help.

Whether that's medical help from a psychiatrist, or individual or family therapy, or a combination, I don't know, but biting crosses a pretty specific line. I'm a special educator, I've worked with kids with Emotional Disturbance at that age, and almost all kids, unless there are significant developmental disabilities, are able to inhibit the impulse to bite.

I'm also the parent of a child with a mental illness, so I'm not saying this judgmentally. A good professional can help immensely. Please don't wait any longer.

Yeah, well, you don't live with them. If they bite in the classroom then you know something is wrong. Homevis where kids let their crazy out.

If there's enough "crazy" in them that they're biting their mother, then there's enough to warrant a trip to a professional.

Perhaps. Pick a good professional and they might give you some good cooing strategies and let you know this is in some range of normal. Pick a bad one and suddenly its bipolar disorder.

I had a brother who was mentally ill too and he wasn't the ones having meltdowns - he was the quiet one.
The one who had screaming meltdowns all of his life is a successful lawyer now. He's pretty calm now. Sometimes they need outlets - for that brother it was the military marching band at school.

I'm not saying the kid has life long issues. I'm saying that right now he's out of control, and a professional can help get things back in control.

It's possible that the family will go in, meet with a therapist, and find some easy solutions, but if they're at the point that an 11 year old has so little control over his feelings and behavior that he's resorting to biting, then it makes sense to get help.

Thank you everyone. This is OP and the responses are really good advice. For those of you suggesting to walk away, do we just not have him be punished for his actions? His tantrum happened because he didn't want to go to his room. Should I just walk away and let him be in the rec room or wherever he wants and not ground him? I would think that would teach him that if he throws a fit, there's no grounding/punishment (but what do I know - I totally messed this one up)

We called a therapist/behaviorist today for an appointment. Hopefully we'll get more good suggestions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get out the belt. Problem solved.

You are a disgusting person. I hope you did not reproduce.

No, YOU are a disgusting person.


Thanks to people like you, I have to deal with kids like this. It didn't used to be like this.

So your reasoning is, to get the kid to stop violent aggression, be MORE violent than they are. Does someone bigger than you need to get out the belt?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get out the belt. Problem solved.

You are a disgusting person. I hope you did not reproduce.

No, YOU are a disgusting person.


Thanks to people like you, I have to deal with kids like this. It didn't used to be like this.

What did you do when he had tantrums as a toddler?

Serious question.

Sometimes our kids need help calming down. They know they're losing control, but they don't know how to regain it. I do feel like our first job is to help them come back to themselves. Literally to calm the f*uck down, no matter how bad their behavior.

Some kids can go to their room and calm themselves down. Others most certainly can not, even as a tween or teen. Those kids don't need to be "banished" to stew in their unmanageable feelings. They need to be helped in the moment to calm down.

THEN . . . you can talk to him and hear what happened, and why he was so completely inappropriate with his friend etc. It's all part of the same thing -- clearly he has trouble managing his feelings properly. When he gets angry, it just explodes. He needs help with that.

AND . . . he also needs a clear consequence for hitting his friend. You'll want to have something in mind when you talk to him, but if it were me, I'd first ask him what he thinks is appropriate. If he's calm, he might be able to address it himself, which is a second way of taking responsibility for his bad behavior.

Of course, whatever consequence you/he come up with, he'll also need to apologize to his friend. That's a given, in part because it's another way to be accountable for his actions. Hitting is never an appropriate way to express his anger or frustration. He needs to acknowledge that and apologize to his friend.

Did you find out why he acted that way?

You also need to look at how you & your husband act and the overall tone of the house. If your marriage is not happy & your are "staying together for the kids" this is you can get.

I get so tired of kids always being blamed when the parents yell, fight, throw things at each other and have a miserable marriage. (obviously doing a little projecting from my childhood)

Anonymous wrote:Get out the belt. Problem solved.

I'm with ya brother.... there are plenty of generations that grew up with corporal punishment and are doing just fine.

hell my grandfather used make us pick our own switch from the willow tree.

when I did something stupid, and dad came home....I knew shit was going to get real when the work belt came off.

Stop glad handing these kids....

Yes, ignore, and do not lose temper the way you did.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that disengaging in the moment, and processing later is a good strategy, but an 11 year old who is melting down to the point where they're biting needs professional help.

Whether that's medical help from a psychiatrist, or individual or family therapy, or a combination, I don't know, but biting crosses a pretty specific line. I'm a special educator, I've worked with kids with Emotional Disturbance at that age, and almost all kids, unless there are significant developmental disabilities, are able to inhibit the impulse to bite.

I'm also the parent of a child with a mental illness, so I'm not saying this judgmentally. A good professional can help immensely. Please don't wait any longer.

Yeah, well, you don't live with them. If they bite in the classroom then you know something is wrong. Homevis where kids let their crazy out.

If there's enough "crazy" in them that they're biting their mother, then there's enough to warrant a trip to a professional.

Perhaps. Pick a good professional and they might give you some good cooing strategies and let you know this is in some range of normal. Pick a bad one and suddenly its bipolar disorder.

I had a brother who was mentally ill too and he wasn't the ones having meltdowns - he was the quiet one.
The one who had screaming meltdowns all of his life is a successful lawyer now. He's pretty calm now. Sometimes they need outlets - for that brother it was the military marching band at school.

Anonymous wrote:Also, identify emotions as you see them happening. If you say anything at all, use an even tone, factual "you're angry". If you've talked about this before the outburst then the child will know what they need to do next

Here's the thing, when you pay attention to the child mid tantrum, you are " feeding " the tantrum. Ignore the tantrum and you are eliminating the incentive for having a tantrum in the first place. Identify the emotions once the kid is calm if you must.