teenagers are awful. and awfulness is particularly common when they're about to separate from the family. that doesn't make it okay, but if this is at all unusual behavior, you might ride it out a bit and see where it goes. but, yes, regardless, impose some consequence for the disrespect. but the consequence should be proportionate - lose her car for the weekend or the week, maybe.

I can't see how taking time off in a gap year would be necessarily good for her. maybe if she had a goal and/or a job and was eager to do so. but de-prioritizing education in favor of making money and continuing to live at home just when she ought to be heading off doesn't seem particularly likely to make her grow up - just seems likely to make her more resentful. college is expensive, but it isn't a luxury. it's an important path to self-betterment/citizenship/employability. I certainly wouldn't want to throw any obstacles in her path. at this point, you have either prepare her or you haven't. she's going to have to stumble through on her own a bit.

I shake my head a bit at the car, too, but at this point, you might want to consider pulling back. enforce your rules at home but don't overdo it on the rules. frankly, its too late for that. she's either prepared or not.

if that is just not your style, you could try enforcing some real discipline and work for the summer. I don't know what she has planned. but you could certainly make continued use of the car contingent on getting a summer job and following your rules. and if she can't get a job, you could give her house and yardwork to do to earn her privileges. I honestly think that's a little much for a 17yo about to head off to college, and it might not have the desired effect but that seems to be as hardcore as you could go at this point.

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like a typical 17 year old to me. I'm sure you've forgotten how obnoxious you were at that age. It's part of leaving the nest and trying out their almost adulthood. The good news is most of us figure it out and grow up and relax.

This is a lamest of tropes. No, not every 17-year-old is a selfish asshole. My two sons were awesome kids at 17, and they are awesome adults today. I think people like you -- who think its acceptable for kids to act like sh**heads around their parents -- are the reason why some kids act that way. The solution is simple: Be a good parent and bring energy to raising your kids. It's actually quite easy. Do not accept that kind of behavior and it won't happen.

is she hot? she can land a provider - don't worry.

Don't listen to pps who clearly don't have teens. Teens are a nightmare half the time and wonderful the other half. No matter how poor or rich or middle class you are. They are ungrateful slobs, talking back nightmares who think they drank the wisdom out of the expensive Starbucks' lattes you pay for. The same people criticizing you here are blind to their own kids and probably have kids who behave worse than your kid, or will in the future. You try your best, breathe in and out, let some things go and know that there is a decent emotion somewhere deep in your kid and that most of the time they are saying idiotic things that they don't mean. I had to deal with a similar issue with my DS, off to college in the fall, who was offered a coaching job over the summer but wants to"travel" and have fun" during the summer! He is otherwise a decent kid, but I said sure, take the job for a month and see how much travel it can pay for. You are no different that most parents in this area, of course you got your kid things they want, that is what parents do. PPs that are so full of disdain, how many teens did you raise or are raising right now? And how poor are you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I've raised 4 daughters.

Yours sounds just about right to me. They have lots of anxiety about leaving the nest and they are looking to make the separation easier. Anger does that.

Very insightful. Awwww!!! Makes me sad.

I know, I probably wasn't as understanding of daughter #1 but I learned my lesson quickly from a wonderful friend/therapist that set me straight. She said it's better for your kids to tell you they hate you rather than shut you out and just feel it without telling you.

Not that unusual to feel that way. Just, shrug it off. She'll be gone soon enough. When she gets out into the real world, she'll learn to appreciate you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:State school. Live in the dorms . No car.

Check back in the spring.

You think going to U.VA or U.MD is punishment?

Not at all it's just less expensive and your not coddled there. That way she has to figure out her own schedule and life which takes energy away from hating her family. Now her family are the only ones that care about her.

I was thinking Salisbury, VT, UMBC , Towson, JMU, GMU, St Mary's , UMBC as well.

There is something wrong with you.

Anonymous wrote:OP I've raised 4 daughters.

Yours sounds just about right to me. They have lots of anxiety about leaving the nest and they are looking to make the separation easier. Anger does that.

Very insightful. Awwww!!! Makes me sad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:State school. Live in the dorms . No car.

Check back in the spring.

You think going to U.VA or U.MD is punishment?

Not at all it's just less expensive and your not coddled there. That way she has to figure out her own schedule and life which takes energy away from hating her family. Now her family are the only ones that care about her.

I was thinking Salisbury, VT, UMBC , Towson, JMU, GMU, St Mary's , UMBC as well.

A gap year seems like a vacation to me. It's a luxury. What will you have her do? Instagram and Netflix on the couch and hope she matures somehow?
If she gets a job as a waitress and works her ass off for a year while paying rent, gas, and phone bill,sure. She'll be excited to go to college and study and party with her friends. But it doesn't look like you as parents will enforce responsibility. Responsibility doesn't just happen by magic of getting older. You have to TEACH it.

OP I've raised 4 daughters.

Yours sounds just about right to me. They have lots of anxiety about leaving the nest and they are looking to make the separation easier. Anger does that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dunno. I think lots of teens feel a need to spread their wings and leave their parents' house after they graduate HS. While the attitude and disrespect that she's showing is not acceptable, try to understand how difficult it would be to feel like a capable, confident young adult but still treated like a HS kid by your parents.

Are her grades good? Does she have good study habits? Does she have a major in mind?

Are there worries about drugs, drinking or hanging around with a bad crowd?

If not, maybe it's time to let her go...

I never "spoiled the nest" with my parents. I respected the heck out of them for saving the money to send me to my dream college.

Her grades are good. Study habits non existent. No major in mind. Yes, worried about immaturity and inability to balance partying and academics. And obviously, there's this lack of appreciation for the money on the line.

If you don't think that she'll be a serious student, it may be best for her to go to a community college and maybe work a part time job. 17 is young and another year under her belt might make all the difference.

Kids that go to community college and live at home are often behind their peers for years. It's not a good idea unless the child is not successful at the 4 year college. I have seen a lot of promising young people still at the 2 year community college 4-6 years later, plodding along..

Which do you want her to have as her peer group for the next few years?
Kids who failed out of high school or who did so poorly that they couldn't get into a 4 year school mixed in with a few who can't afford college, or motivated students at a decent 4 year school?

Op's daughter is 17 years old. Not sure how soon she'll be 18 but right now she is just 17 which is still HS age and still not an adult. Op thinks that his daughter would benefit from another year at home and may not be ready for the responsibilities of living away at college just, yet.

She is driving a car and has earned good enough grades to get into a 4 year university but she's immature doesn't have a major in mind and may not be academically ambitious at this point. Maybe she'll luck out and get involved with a more studious crowd. But in my experience, birds of a feather....just something to consider.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dunno. I think lots of teens feel a need to spread their wings and leave their parents' house after they graduate HS. While the attitude and disrespect that she's showing is not acceptable, try to understand how difficult it would be to feel like a capable, confident young adult but still treated like a HS kid by your parents.

Are her grades good? Does she have good study habits? Does she have a major in mind?

Are there worries about drugs, drinking or hanging around with a bad crowd?

If not, maybe it's time to let her go...

I never "spoiled the nest" with my parents. I respected the heck out of them for saving the money to send me to my dream college.

Her grades are good. Study habits non existent. No major in mind. Yes, worried about immaturity and inability to balance partying and academics. And obviously, there's this lack of appreciation for the money on the line.

You, sir, are a manipulative POS that wants to control his family with the purse strings. You give money and then you want to reel them in for - attention? Obedience? Adulation? What is it? Whatever it is it is not healthy for your family and you need to stop. Get help before you ruin lives.

NP. You need therapy for the massive amount of anger you are projecting at OP. Calm down.

Anonymous wrote:I'm not taking college off the table. I'm just convinced she's not mature or appreciative enough to take it seriously this fall. We sent our oldest daughter off to college and she flunked out. In retrospect the oldest needed a gap year too, but it was a tougher sell five years ago. Malia Obama has made it more mainstream.

So basically, you have a flawed parenting style. Because this is a pattern in your kids. And gap year has been a thing for a while. Yes Malia Obama made it more high profile. But kids have been gap hearing for a while. Maybe a gap year would be helpful. But as apostive thing, that she chooses, and that she plans and is invested in. Paying the equivalent of a year of college tuition so your kid can do a gap year world tour does not help with her entitlement problem. And no kid who is forced to gap year as a punishment is going to use the time to grow and mature and be productive. Honestly-- I don't think you understand the reasons gap year came be a great thing. Just that it's trendy and it puts your DD in her place.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dunno. I think lots of teens feel a need to spread their wings and leave their parents' house after they graduate HS. While the attitude and disrespect that she's showing is not acceptable, try to understand how difficult it would be to feel like a capable, confident young adult but still treated like a HS kid by your parents.

Are her grades good? Does she have good study habits? Does she have a major in mind?

Are there worries about drugs, drinking or hanging around with a bad crowd?

If not, maybe it's time to let her go...

I never "spoiled the nest" with my parents. I respected the heck out of them for saving the money to send me to my dream college.

Her grades are good. Study habits non existent. No major in mind. Yes, worried about immaturity and inability to balance partying and academics. And obviously, there's this lack of appreciation for the money on the line.

If you don't think that she'll be a serious student, it may be best for her to go to a community college and maybe work a part time job. 17 is young and another year under her belt might make all the difference.

Kids that go to community college and live at home are often behind their peers for years. It's not a good idea unless the child is not successful at the 4 year college. I have seen a lot of promising young people still at the 2 year community college 4-6 years later, plodding along..

Which do you want her to have as her peer group for the next few years?
Kids who failed out of high school or who did so poorly that they couldn't get into a 4 year school mixed in with a few who can't afford college, or motivated students at a decent 4 year school?