Op here, thanks for all your comments. We are at the very least postponing the wedding, there is no way I would proceed at this point.

That is a huge lie. You should postpone the wedding and take plenty of time to be sure that you actually know this person (I'm guessing you don't).

Anonymous wrote:Leave now.

If she can lie about this and fabricate a whole life that isn't true, she will do that again. This wasn't a little white lie. This is a big lie that she kept up for years, even when you directly asked her for the truth.

You will always be wondering what else isn't true, what else she is lying about. You will find out other lies and the resentment will grow.

Integrity and honesty are pretty fundamental character traits. She doesn't have those. Do you really want a marriage with someone who doesn't value integrity?

This +1000!
Move on.

No wonder she was willing to quietly elope and didn't want others there.

Leave now.

If she can lie about this and fabricate a whole life that isn't true, she will do that again. This wasn't a little white lie. This is a big lie that she kept up for years, even when you directly asked her for the truth.

You will always be wondering what else isn't true, what else she is lying about. You will find out other lies and the resentment will grow.

Integrity and honesty are pretty fundamental character traits. She doesn't have those. Do you really want a marriage with someone who doesn't value integrity?

Tell her to come back to get you once it's finalized.

Anonymous wrote:Eh. It's paperwork. They have it in motion now.

This. Op talk to her. This has probably been eating her up in how to tell you. It is expensive to be get lawyers for a divorce. She wasn't living with the guy,seeing him, sharing accounts, etc. I would forget it.

Anonymous wrote:Just to clarify, is she legally divorced now and is there an impediment to the marriage?

I would see it as a red flag, because it means that under stress she is likely to take the "easy" way out, and lie, or worse, in the process.
However, if she's young and you think she can change, then...

This right here. Plus it's not like she withheld the truth about the separation vs. divorce for your first few dates but then decided to fess up on her own. She has kept this lie going and was what, just hoping she could get it sorted out in time?

My son was separated from his ex wife for years. He told everyone he dated he was divorced. No kids, no assets. They both claimed they didn't have the money to file.

I took him down to the courthouse to file, sent his ex the papers to sign, even paid for the notary, two weeks later and $450, he was divorced. She got her name back, he was free.

No more lying.

Anonymous wrote:So, in other words, plainly speaking, your fiancee is somebody else's husband?

Sorry, just saw the updates. Your fiancee is somebody's wife?

So, in other words, plainly speaking, your fiancee is somebody else's husband?

You have to decide if you can deal with a life of lies from her. She told you how her thought process works. When faced with telling you something difficult, she would rather lie and the pattern continues. Once she lies she fears telling the truth so more lies are needed to cover the first big lie. And so it goes. BTDT. You may never know what other lies she has told you but you would be foolish to believe that this is the only one.

In your eyes you are married. You don't need the government to put its seal of approval on your relationship. Effing bureaucrats.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks to all for your input.

It is unclear whether the divorce will be final by the date we are supposed to get married.

So wtf was she going to do on your wedding day?? That makes it even worse - she was going to go through with a wedding with you without telling you?

At best she's immature, at worst she lacks integrity (and isn't who you think she is).

You don't get engaged while you are still married. She sounds kinda dumb. I would NOT marry her because you will never to be able to trust her.