Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I went to Syracuse and he went to Florida State. He was an average student, I can't say for sure that he tried too hard. But his parents never made college an option. I don't think I ever saw how unmotivated he is until we moved in together since I now know he is home all day (except for gym, meeting friends for lunch). He was still working for his dad up until a year and a half ago.

I have had a discussion with him a couple times and his position is that he is very fortunate to not need to work, ever, so he doesn't want to waste his time in some job he isn't really passionate about. I completely understand that, but think he still needs to find something to do - volunteer, get a hobby or whatever. He now claims he wants to start his own business, but has no idea what it is yet.

What a crappy family he has come from - they have basically handicapped him, keeping him from growing up. How selfish - apparently they'd rather have their man-child there to parent forever. What crap do you think they'll do to you and your future kids, turning the screws with their money?
Starting your own business is all consuming and he doesn't have the skill set for that so I wouldn't want to be there to witness that.

Do this guy a favor and run for it.

Excellent point here about how your BF's family and their attitude toward money and work is as important as BF's own laziness. Reread this, OP. And the post above about the example he would set for any kids you have.

His family holds his purse strings. You would be marrying a dependent child who does not see his own dependence. If you married and you were to lose your job or get seriously ill or injured, how would he step up, not just financially but in terms of helping with kids, the house, etc.? Farm it all out to hired help paid for by his family?

These are not, at their roots, questions about money or laziness. They're questions about core values. His are very different from yours. If you as a couple hit a crisis, have a child with medical or other problems , etc. how will his values influence his reaction to those situations, OP?

Anonymous wrote:you should move on but know you will never love someone as purely as you do this guy.

should your future husband who is a 'gunner', suffer an economic setback, you'll resent him.

No, not a chance you will not even remember this guy once you set up your life with someone you respect and are compatible with.
If you're smart you'll see him 20 years from now and be grossed out snd a bit sad for him.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I went to Syracuse and he went to Florida State. He was an average student, I can't say for sure that he tried too hard. But his parents never made college an option. I don't think I ever saw how unmotivated he is until we moved in together since I now know he is home all day (except for gym, meeting friends for lunch). He was still working for his dad up until a year and a half ago.

I have had a discussion with him a couple times and his position is that he is very fortunate to not need to work, ever, so he doesn't want to waste his time in some job he isn't really passionate about. I completely understand that, but think he still needs to find something to do - volunteer, get a hobby or whatever. He now claims he wants to start his own business, but has no idea what it is yet.

What a crappy family he has come from - they have basically handicapped him, keeping him from growing up. How selfish - apparently they'd rather have their man-child there to parent forever. What crap do you think they'll do to you and your future kids, turning the screws with their money?
Starting your own business is all consuming and he doesn't have the skill set for that so I wouldn't want to be there to witness that.

Do this guy a favor and run for it.

Anonymous wrote:Would he like to be a SAHD? Would he be good at it? Or too lazy for that.

I'd probably move on. Your resentment is only going to grow over time.

+1. SAHD is worth discussing, at te very least.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is rich from a good family? Who cares if he is lazy.

This

DP. HE is not rich, he's enjoyjng a daddy meal-ticket. Big diff. Why, you think he's going to inherit and ???

OP, sounds like you need a serious talk before he pops the question. Asking my hubby right away and right up front was very important to me: are you hardworking or lazy, because I cannot abide a lazy man. But in my mind you are lazy too and have always known he is, otherwise your 12 year drag it out courtship would have been 3.

Well I did ask if he has a trust in his name that locks in any inheritance

I would have no respect for someone like this and couldn't stand the thought of the example he would set for our children.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is rich from a good family? Who cares if he is lazy.

This

DP. HE is not rich, he's enjoyjng a daddy meal-ticket. Big diff. Why, you think he's going to inherit and ???

OP, sounds like you need a serious talk before he pops the question. Asking my hubby right away and right up front was very important to me: are you hardworking or lazy, because I cannot abide a lazy man. But in my mind you are lazy too and have always known he is, otherwise your 12 year drag it out courtship would have been 3.

Anonymous wrote:He is rich from a good family? Who cares if he is lazy.

This

Why do his parents send him money on a regular basis? Do a lot of rich parents do this? It seems like it has been detrimental to his development.

This cannot go on, dad will retire and his hard-working brother will be sure to shut off the money valve when he takes over the business. Sitting home for year is a huge major red flag; when I was in my 20s I couldn't possibly do it I didn't know any else who could. You don't mention moodiness or depression so this may very well be just plain old laziness and for that there is no cure.
Ultimatums usually don't work well but you might try saying that you did not want to marry into the idle rich so he will need to have a plan and a job within the next six weeks otherwise you are going to evaluate the situation.

I dated the daughter of a dear family friend and our lives were completely intertwined, everyone was invested in our relationship but really we were just 21 year-olds who liked to have sex and fight with each other; when it ended there was a tiny bit of awkwardness at first but eventually everyone recovered and realized that although we broke up there was no need to destroy friendships.

You're in a tough spot but you seem like a good person; this will be hard for you but just because you asked means you probably know the answer.

Try not to dump him before a major holiday, let everyone get used to you to being apart before the feast of the seven fishes.

Does he satisfy you otherwise? And is he set for life? What about make you dinners?

I don't know. My husband is driven, but that's because he had to be. If he did all three of the aforementioned things, I would be just as happy, if not more so, because that would mean more time to spend together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Once kids come around, his laziness will be the source of all your fights. You can outsource lots of things, but being a dad and partner in parenting is not something you can outsource. Get out now before you have kids.

+1. My STBX was lazy before we married, I just never saw it until we got married and moved in together. When I came over, he would always cook for us and clean the whole house. Projects got fixed right away. But it was only a facade he kept. Actually, this happened twice to me. My first husband -- I found out later that it was his dad who made sure his bills were paid, truck was clean, and that he presented as having his shit together.

When my STBX and I had DD, even when I was pregnant, all that laziness meant I did most of taking care of house, yard and child. There was always some excuse why he didn't or couldn't help. He mostly surfed the internet. But when we were friends, he was out volunteering with me all the time.

If the money will always be there from his family, that is good. I would not be okay with this either. I came from a family with high work ethic also. Because of your work ethic, you will get more resentful when the kids come, because maybe you were taught that we are all suppose to do what needs to be done.

Have you talked to your family about this? What did they say? My family has been through hell, and they would want me to be happy. They know what lazy partners do.

These types love the Internet and video games.

What's worse is that they won't have the ambition or energy to accomplish anything at work or at home but will resent you when you're able to do so. My ex was lazy at work and resented my success. Yet he wasn't willing or able to make the money we needed to support the lifestyle we desired.

No. You're young and should find someone else who is a better match for you. You'll get extremely bored with this one and he'll frustrate you to no end. I'm sure his lack of interest and ambition in his career carries over into other areas of his life. In college it's really easy to have a long term relationship with someone as it isn't the real world. As you get older and have to make decisions about things any differences in values and interests are way more obvious and can be a problem.

Fwiw I dated a similar guy and broke up with him. We were together for a long time and my family loved him. We came from a similar background and he was the guy I was supposed to marry. I later met my husband who is a much better fit. We have similar interests and he's very driven. He's a great provider and very ambitious.

The purpose of dating is to learn who your best match would be
"Dating" means any relationship status other than marriage
Stop spending any energy on assigning blame

I am sure he is a nice guy, but that is not enough.