Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has your husband always been low drive?

I am in your same shoes with my DW.
Hang in there.

Yes, always, which is why it's dumb that we got married in the first place. I was rebounding off of a long term relationship when we met and I really just wanted stability. We are so incompatible on so many levels.

If you are both incompatible it's time to go you're own ways. Talk and see how you two would handle child custody etc.
Would he make it difficult or fight you in court like some? If you can divorce and both be mature adults, are truly miserable then it's time to move on versus cheating. He can't be happy so why not make moves to separate your finances, sell the home etc. before you guys file. I'd have that talk and see how it goes.

Anonymous wrote:I'm a guy in a similar situation. I'm just not attracted to DW anymore. Sex drive is not the issue but desirability is. She has progressively become fatter and bitchier. 5 minutes into a conversation, ANY conversation, it devolved into some sort of argument. I stay together for the kids. Divorce will only make really bad for the kids as well as financially for everyone.

I don't know why people allow themselves to get really overweight. Five or ten pounds is one thing but 40 or 50 would be a problem.

Have you talked to your spouse about her constant arguing or drama? I was married to someone like that and as soon as they started the negativity or arguing I immediately left the room. If need be I'd get in my car and go somewhere. Try that one.
If you've already warned her multiple times make yourself sparse. Hobbies like golf, working out, walks etc. which doesn't include her.

I'm a guy in a similar situation. I'm just not attracted to DW anymore. Sex drive is not the issue but desirability is. She has progressively become fatter and bitchier. 5 minutes into a conversation, ANY conversation, it devolved into some sort of argument. I stay together for the kids. Divorce will only make really bad for the kids as well as financially for everyone.

Anonymous wrote:I just don't believe that if infrequent sex is the ONLY issue, you'd be at the end of your rope. If that was the only issue I had in my marriage, I'd be thrilled.

+1
The op is immature and probably younger. I know people that have had serious health issues and money problems due to unforeseen events. If someone is willing to bail because of this, they probably aren't good spouse material. I suspect her husband would like to be divorced but feels stuck because of kids and money. Someone constantly threatening this or that because they don't get their way would be someone I'd plan to get rid of at some point.

Anonymous wrote:I do not know what to do. My husband would be very content with sex every 2, 3, maybe even 4 weeks. I would prefer to have sex maybe 4-5 times per week. I ENJOY sex. Not only do I struggle with the fact that our sex drives are so different, I struggle even more with the idea that he just doesn't want to have sex with me. How absolutely demeaning is it to fight with your spouse about having sex with you. It has destroyed any emotional component of it for me.

We should not have gotten married, it was so stupid. Now we are tied up financially and parentally with two small kids and the logistics of a divorce are so overwhelming to me.

The latest, he is telling me that I am the one with an abnormal sex drive and that I should see a doctor (in response to me kindly suggesting that he should see a doctor to have his testosterone tested).

I am attractive. I am not overweight. There is nothing wrong with my physical appearance at all whatsoever. Men hit on me constantly. I am a normal social person with friends, I am not a weirdo or anything. I also have a good job and a high income. I don't know why I am having to deal with this but it just sucks so much. Tonight I suggested an open marriage and that was unacceptable. What else can I do?

For heaven's sake, you can find another husband down the road and have great sex like my friend did. However, she had bigger
problems in other areas. I see it as BOTH of your problem. Compromise say every two weeks at first, from there every weekend. If the marriage is good in the other departments you are over reacting imo. I look at my friends who are older, and there's not many good men out there past 35. Do you want to divorce and date a man with kids, a involved ex, and put your kids in a position of having steps they don't want. Having to go from home to home, possibly fighting in court like some I know due to differences in custody or child support..I know two couples who fought for 7 years over money, kids, and current bf/gf they didn't want around their kids.

I would weigh everything very carefully because I know quite a few that are more miserable in their 2nd marriages with problems they didn't foresee. Not to mention the big financial hit. As for the open marriage, I find that disgusting with kids and basically you've already hinted to your spouse you are planning to sleep around. You may not have a choice and end up divorced if he get's fed up, or you do...but again I think you need to put things in perspective.

I just don't believe that if infrequent sex is the ONLY issue, you'd be at the end of your rope. If that was the only issue I had in my marriage, I'd be thrilled.

The author, Dr. David Schnarch, writes extensively about this topic of mismatched couples.

Good luck

For the bait-and-switch poster: did the switch from frequent sex to no sex happen after kids? Because I know I had a fair amount of sex before I had my kid, but now, honestly, I'm tired and busy as hell so it's just not a priority like it was when I was in my 20's or early 30's and mostly unencumbered by adult life. (other than the job and the mortgage.)

Difference in our situations is that I'm a single mom who isn't in a relationship. So I'm not letting anyone down if I am not having sex. (just myself.)

Tell him he either starts having sex with you or you will find someone who will.
That worked for me

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP really understood how low drive DH was when they married. This is why I think people who say it's best to be celibate until marriage are stupid. It's dumb to marry someone without having had a fairly long sexual relationship first. Many people are not sexually compatible. I broke up with two people over that issue.

Another poster, not OP. My relationship prior to H was high sex but not that compatible on a number of fronts. I was so happy that H and I were compatible in most areas, and back when we met, we were having sex once or twice a week. Not bad, right? We "forced" ourselves to have sex once a week when our children were babies, but we never got back to that frequency again. I wish I had understood that if a 28 year old guy is content with once or twice a week, when he's 50, he really won't care if he gets it much at all.

The other half of the equation is my drive. I've always really liked men, but when I met my H when I was 26, I wasn't very experienced. As I relaxed in the marriage, and began to explore my sexuality, and got older, my interest in sex itself increased. Honestly, three times a week would be the minimum, ideally.

So...you can have a couple in their twenties who are both okay with once or twice a week, and then 20 years later there's a major disparity in drives.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not know what to do. My husband would be very content with sex every 2, 3, maybe even 4 weeks. I would prefer to have sex maybe 4-5 times per week. I ENJOY sex. Not only do I struggle with the fact that our sex drives are so different, I struggle even more with the idea that he just doesn't want to have sex with me. How absolutely demeaning is it to fight with your spouse about having sex with you. It has destroyed any emotional component of it for me.

We should not have gotten married, it was so stupid. Now we are tied up financially and parentally with two small kids and the logistics of a divorce are so overwhelming to me.

The latest, he is telling me that I am the one with an abnormal sex drive and that I should see a doctor (in response to me kindly suggesting that he should see a doctor to have his testosterone tested).

I am attractive. I am not overweight. There is nothing wrong with my physical appearance at all whatsoever. Men hit on me constantly. I am a normal social person with friends, I am not a weirdo or anything. I also have a good job and a high income. I don't know why I am having to deal with this but it just sucks so much. Tonight I suggested an open marriage and that was unacceptable. What else can I do?

i call troll. this cannot be a true story.

No way is she a troll. My story is almost identical.

I am in the exact same boat as you are, OP, even including the two children. I am sorry to say this, but as all my efforts at counseling, ramping up our non sexual relationship, being blunt about how his drive makes me feel and also having my open marriage suggestion rejected, I found a lovely guy. My AP is very loyal to his wife and not at all interested in divorcing, but his wife is older than he is and not into sex. So it's not ideal, but we both get what we need.

Selfish is a vile word. Why doesn't the English language have a way to describe when a woman's priorities don't center around someone else?

Sex is foundational in a marriage. For centuries is was the sole reason for getting married (other than tying families together)---to have sex!

Dirty, dirty, selfish OP for wanting what is absolutely normal in a marriage. What the hell is wrong with people? To be lonely in your marriage is it's own kind of hell. This is the world OP inhabits. She's doing her part. DH won't even see a doctor, and dares to pathologize his own DW's sexual needs.

This kind of shut down is seen all over this board. The pain is palpable.

No answers here, OP, just loads of empathy. I am very sorry you're in this situation.

I also married quickly after a bad break up and sought stability. My guy turned mean, real mean. So, the relationship didn't last. But, I had to field questions constantly about what I did. My answer became, "What can you do with a mean man?" and that finally shut people up. There's this idea that you're at fault. You're NOT. I gave XH an soft ultimatum, either we work on the marriage or there won't be one. He made his choice. I made mine. And, it's been over six years of him regretting his mistake.

There is nothing wrong with demanding a blood test. There is nothing in the world wrong with you needing what you need to be a happy wife. Try to follow up on each of the suggestions offered by the well-meaning PPs and ignore the rest. Ignore the selfish, the diva, the "you knew when you married him," crowd and find peace for yourself.

You only get one shot at life, and it goes so quickly. Stop waiting for him to wake up. Make the demands and prepare a way forward for yourself---whatever form that may take.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not know what to do. My husband would be very content with sex every 2, 3, maybe even 4 weeks. I would prefer to have sex maybe 4-5 times per week. I ENJOY sex. Not only do I struggle with the fact that our sex drives are so different, I struggle even more with the idea that he just doesn't want to have sex with me. How absolutely demeaning is it to fight with your spouse about having sex with you. It has destroyed any emotional component of it for me.

We should not have gotten married, it was so stupid. Now we are tied up financially and parentally with two small kids and the logistics of a divorce are so overwhelming to me.

The latest, he is telling me that I am the one with an abnormal sex drive and that I should see a doctor (in response to me kindly suggesting that he should see a doctor to have his testosterone tested).

I am attractive. I am not overweight. There is nothing wrong with my physical appearance at all whatsoever. Men hit on me constantly. I am a normal social person with friends, I am not a weirdo or anything. I also have a good job and a high income. I don't know why I am having to deal with this but it just sucks so much. Tonight I suggested an open marriage and that was unacceptable. What else can I do?

The only remarkable angle to your story is that you are the female. 80% of married men find themselves in this exact situation, actually our fate is much worse because:

1. you got married knowing his issues, versus all of our wives who had very frequent sex before marriage then pulled the "bait and switch"
2. a married woman has it 100 times easier finding an AP than a married man

My did you "suggest" an open marriage? He should not get to vote! You just "declare" open marriage, problem solved.
Now look around you: see all those married men? Most of them are undersexed and would be happy to connect with you.

+1