Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Our sex life is nonexistent right now. This is not unrelated. There is nothing sexy about a man who doesn't take care of you.

You realize there's a catch-22 there, right?

You don't want to have sex with him because he's not taking care of you. He doesn't want to take care of you because you're not having sex with him.

If a woman is affectionate and responds enthusiastically to a man's sexual advances, he will pay attention to her and cherish her.

If a woman is cold and rejects sex, he has no reason to pay attention to her or take care of her.

It doesn't work that way in our marriage.

Stop having sex with him and see how long he keeps paying attention to you and taking care of you then.

Do you want to answer the original question, or do you just want to address topics of your own?

-does most of the laundry
-primary breadwinner, doing something he likes, but doesn't love, which pays well (this really takes a lot of pressure off me and allows me to be the type of mom i want to be)
-if i ask him to wake up to take kiddo for a couple hours in the morning so i can catch up on sleep he'll do it
-he deep cleans the house better than i do about every couple of weeks
-does about half the grocery shopping
-cooks a few times a week (we never really eat out)
-plans trips for me to places he knows i want to go

what he can't (or isn't good at) doing:
doesn't like fancy restaurants or crowds
doesn't like small talk so not much of a conversationalist (he's more introverted than i am)
taxes or bill paying
scheduling/managing kid appts and registrations
he's much more fiscally conservative than i am, and can't buy me fancy presents (I am personally not interested in these)

also he has hobbies that i'm not into that he does a few times a week, which i opt out of.

what we like to do together:
outdoorsy/nature stuff
travel
cuddling
playing with our kiddo (literally we fight over who gets to hold him)

for us these tradeoffs work. before i met him i had a lot of preconceived ideas about what i wanted/needed in a partner, which turns out were wrong. i'm not sure if its easier to let go of things i thought i needed/wanted because he's so great at showing me love/support in other ways, or if i didn't really need the things i thought i needed, or if i've just grown out of wanting them when things got real. what i'm saying is, i wonder if its not really possible to know how things are going to work until you're in the trenches with a crying baby, a tax bill, a house closing, a sick family member, a hospitalization...etc, etc. i frankly often think we just lucked out, because i've seen couples who were better 'matched' on paper than we were not be able to make it work through life's challenges. i wish i knew what the magic formula or compatibility indicator is but i'm not sure there even is one.

We are pretty balanced in our approach to family management. We both have high paying jobs. We don't split things 50/50 but do the things we each are good at. He cooks most nights. I pay bills. He does a lot of the gardening (we outsource spring clean up and mowing). We both do grocery shopping - he likes going to Trader Joes, I like going to WF, we both hate Giant. We share things like renovation projects. He often brings me a cup of coffee in bed. I'm pretty self sufficient and don't ask for a lot of "taking care of".

I also feel like I am responsible for 99% of running the family. However, DH is a really, really great second string... happily takes direction and to-do lists, and trusts that I've worked out the whys and whens without questioning me.
-he insists that I need to take better care of myself. I do need to, and I will probably continue to NOT do it, but knowing that he feels like I need to, is important to me.
-understands that occasionally a work commitment will require something outside of normal-for-me hours. When I bring up an event, meeting etc that requires staying late or traveling, he NEVER pushes back. HIs only response is "Of course, no worries, I got it."
-He will race me to the baby's room at night so that I don't have to deal with DS (not a hungry infant, just a toddler who's pissed off because his sock fell off or he can't arrange his 6 blankets exactly to his liking)
-he does all the dinner dishes without reminding
-he listens and remembers. Last week he made an offhand comment about something that one of my BFFs used to be into. A decade ago. I had completely forgot but he remembered.

he listens to me and asks me about my day.
he is genuinely curious about what makes me tick
he does 50% or more of kid related work.
He takes the kids on weekend mornings and I sleep in.
He does the dishes
he does all the grocery shopping
he makes half the money and lets me make 90% of the financial decisions
he has moved to a new state for my career and would do it again.
he takes the kids entire weekend days to do things so i can catch up on work
he is a generous lover
he gives good backrubs
when I have a hard day and get home late and stressed out, he greets me at home with a glass of wine or a great margarita and a plate of snacks

Anonymous wrote:He treats me like an interesting human being and wants to talk with me about my interests, his interests, the world in general. He is willing to show his emotions in front of me. He respects my choices and actively backs them up without carping or making it all about him, and he encourages me to try new things. He works with me to make those new things possible, if it means changing a schedule around so he can drive our DC places or so he can take over something I might need him to do.

In short, he treats me in ways that show he's interested in me as a whole person. That seems to be the antithesis of the DCUM "I married a vagina and not a person" attitude in some posts above and in many a post I've seen on DCUM over the years. Some men who post here seem to think that sex is always priority number one and the fundamental reason to marry; I wonder if they would ever have married if they didn't see it as a contract for guaranteed sex, to be broken if the sex isn't forthcoming on demand?....And yeah, before the "you must be in a sexless marriage!" posts start, our sex life is fine. I just find it amazing that so many men who post here seem to have little real interest in their wives as people, friends, companions who share their interests--only as sex partners. I wish their wives well if they happen to get sick or injured or depressed and it affects their sex drives. Those men aren't going to take care of them then, I guess.

Thanks for attacking a stupid straw man argument that nobody here made.

Sex is absolutely necessary for a good marriage. Nobody said it was sufficient by itself or the only thing they wanted from their wife.

I have plenty of friends who share my interests. There's only one place I can get sex. If that stops happening, it's a big problem even if we still talk about our mutual interests and the world in general. And don't pretend this is a problem that only men have -- there are plenty of women on DCUM who complain that their husbands aren't interested in sex. (I hope next time one of those threads is posted, you'll scold the poster for thinking marriage is only about sex and only being interested in their husbands as sex partners.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He provides zero emotional support. In fact, when I am stressed out or exhausted, he tends to go off the rails and make the situation worse.

So much this in our relationship. I never share when I'm stressed/exhausted/sick or anything else. He does next to nothing and in fact made a joke about it a few days ago, then laughed, alone, at his own joke. He does mow, but only started doing it regularly after I stopped caring about it. He only does it to not look bad to the neighbors. Sometimes he gets groceries, but only after demanding I make a list. He brings them home and I put them away. Beyond those two things, there's nothing. I started a chart and I'm keeping track of the number of grocery runs and mowing per year. He thinks mowing is a big damn deal, but he never mows more than once per week and he does it fast (sloppy). We have sex because that's apparently the one thing I refuse to live without.

Let us know how your aspie chart-making works out for you as a method of relationship improvement.

He treats me like an interesting human being and wants to talk with me about my interests, his interests, the world in general. He is willing to show his emotions in front of me. He respects my choices and actively backs them up without carping or making it all about him, and he encourages me to try new things. He works with me to make those new things possible, if it means changing a schedule around so he can drive our DC places or so he can take over something I might need him to do.

In short, he treats me in ways that show he's interested in me as a whole person. That seems to be the antithesis of the DCUM "I married a vagina and not a person" attitude in some posts above and in many a post I've seen on DCUM over the years. Some men who post here seem to think that sex is always priority number one and the fundamental reason to marry; I wonder if they would ever have married if they didn't see it as a contract for guaranteed sex, to be broken if the sex isn't forthcoming on demand?....And yeah, before the "you must be in a sexless marriage!" posts start, our sex life is fine. I just find it amazing that so many men who post here seem to have little real interest in their wives as people, friends, companions who share their interests--only as sex partners. I wish their wives well if they happen to get sick or injured or depressed and it affects their sex drives. Those men aren't going to take care of them then, I guess.

Anonymous wrote:
He provides zero emotional support. In fact, when I am stressed out or exhausted, he tends to go off the rails and make the situation worse.

So much this in our relationship. I never share when I'm stressed/exhausted/sick or anything else. He does next to nothing and in fact made a joke about it a few days ago, then laughed, alone, at his own joke. He does mow, but only started doing it regularly after I stopped caring about it. He only does it to not look bad to the neighbors. Sometimes he gets groceries, but only after demanding I make a list. He brings them home and I put them away. Beyond those two things, there's nothing. I started a chart and I'm keeping track of the number of grocery runs and mowing per year. He thinks mowing is a big damn deal, but he never mows more than once per week and he does it fast (sloppy). We have sex because that's apparently the one thing I refuse to live without.

Let's see; he busts his ass at work so he can provide me with a home bigger than I have ever lived in. He provides me with a new car to drive. An international vacation every year. He provides the income needed for a very comfortable lifestyle and a $3mil life insurance policy should something happen to him. Plus he treats me nice. I'd say all that is enough.

I do everything. He pays all the bills.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Our sex life is nonexistent right now. This is not unrelated. There is nothing sexy about a man who doesn't take care of you.

You realize there's a catch-22 there, right?

You don't want to have sex with him because he's not taking care of you. He doesn't want to take care of you because you're not having sex with him.

If a woman is affectionate and responds enthusiastically to a man's sexual advances, he will pay attention to her and cherish her.

If a woman is cold and rejects sex, he has no reason to pay attention to her or take care of her.

It doesn't work that way in our marriage.

Stop having sex with him and see how long he keeps paying attention to you and taking care of you then.

First, we have a great sex life so in that area I'm very well cared for. Our kids are now out of the home so we are beyond parenting. We are lucky to have two homes and I manage everything and pay all the bills. He's pretty clueless about all that stuff and since I'm very detail oriented he's happy to be clueless and I'm OK with it because he'd mess it up! On the other hand, he's been very successful which has allowed me to live a very comfortable life. He manages all of our investments, taxes etc and almost never asks to see credit card bills or anything else. He knows I'm very thrifty (Consignment shopping is a sport) so he never worries. Finally, he is always very loving with frequent hugs and I know that when we are part that he really misses me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Our sex life is nonexistent right now. This is not unrelated. There is nothing sexy about a man who doesn't take care of you.

You realize there's a catch-22 there, right?

You don't want to have sex with him because he's not taking care of you. He doesn't want to take care of you because you're not having sex with him.

If a woman is affectionate and responds enthusiastically to a man's sexual advances, he will pay attention to her and cherish her.

If a woman is cold and rejects sex, he has no reason to pay attention to her or take care of her.

+1.

This is the vicious cycle of sexless marriage: woman needs emotional connection to want sex. Man needs sex to feel connected. Stalemate, and then neither does what the other wants/needs

All kinds of stuff. This weekend he went to put away my shoes and Monday morning I realized he'd matched all and lined them up in my closet. He cooks dinner regularly. He'll start a bath for me. He went out of his way last night to get the chocolate I like.