OP, I'd have a conference with your brothers asap. While it may be the case that your mother will be unhappy and full of complaints in any assisted living home, you AND YOUR BROTHERS should collect some info to make sure the place she's in is indeed the best place she can be. Your brother(s) picked the place, it's very reasonable to ask them to help make sure the place is up to par. They need to visit her there asap. They need to talk to the CNAs and staff and see how your mom is being treated. They need to listen to her complaints investigate them. Not 50 calls a day worth of complaints, but maybe they could each visit for a weeked next month? It is not fair that you are the only one dealing with the fall out of THEIR decision.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We moved my mom kicking and screaming. I did not like the place my brother chose but I was overruled. Now I get seriously 50 calls a day of complaining. Going home is a no go. She need medical supervision as she doesn't like medicine and it is necessary. What to do? I feel so guilty but I know she cannot live on her own. My brothers just block her calls and go on with life. I am exhausted and drive up and back once a week to see her (three hours each way). She is not trying to make friends. Just complains. Other people in this situation and what to do? Living with me not an option for my own sanity as is moving her here.

You need to do what your brothers do: block her calls when you need a break. Visit her when you feel you can tolerate her complaining.

This is awful! Send mom to assisted living and then block her calls?!? Who are you people? I don't have much advice, but are there geriatric specialists in counseling that could help?

"Who are you people?"

I know who you are. Someone who doesn't have a parent in assisted living or living with them. Your patience with dear old mom would erode to zero over the course of a single day.

If you are not in this boat, STFU, you have nothing to say, you are as bad as people with no kids giving parenting advice.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My greatest fear in life is getting put in a home or getting stuck with one of my worthless kids. I would kill myself first.

What do you plan to do when you're old? Honestly, those are pretty much your two options. Very few people can live alone until they die.

NP here. I fully intend to kill myself when I am elderly, as soon as I recognize that I can't live on my own anymore. I even know how I will do it. I watched three grandparents (two great) die lingering deaths in assisted living/nursing homes, and our family paid for the best care...but that kind of "life", with its humiliating loss of dignity and freedom, is hellish. I made my choice when I was 16 and was making regular visits to my great grandma. I will NEVER go into a home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My greatest fear in life is getting put in a home or getting stuck with one of my worthless kids. I would kill myself first.

What do you plan to do when you're old? Honestly, those are pretty much your two options. Very few people can live alone until they die.

Hire in home help.

When - and you will note I say when - you are too frail to walk unassisted, bathe yourself, or dress yourself, and you need help getting on and off the toilet, then you simply can't be left at home even with "in home help". You literally need a nurse on-site 24/7, and very few people can afford that. That's when you will be sent to assisted living.

Again, shut up with the suggestions rooted in total ignorance.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We moved my mom kicking and screaming. I did not like the place my brother chose but I was overruled. Now I get seriously 50 calls a day of complaining. Going home is a no go. She need medical supervision as she doesn't like medicine and it is necessary. What to do? I feel so guilty but I know she cannot live on her own. My brothers just block her calls and go on with life. I am exhausted and drive up and back once a week to see her (three hours each way). She is not trying to make friends. Just complains. Other people in this situation and what to do? Living with me not an option for my own sanity as is moving her here.

You need to do what your brothers do: block her calls when you need a break. Visit her when you feel you can tolerate her complaining.

This is awful! Send mom to assisted living and then block her calls?!? Who are you people? I don't have much advice, but are there geriatric specialists in counseling that could help?

"Who are you people?"

I know who you are. Someone who doesn't have a parent in assisted living or living with them. Your patience with dear old mom would erode to zero over the course of a single day.

If you are not in this boat, STFU, you have nothing to say, you are as bad as people with no kids giving parenting advice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My greatest fear in life is getting put in a home or getting stuck with one of my worthless kids. I would kill myself first.

What do you plan to do when you're old? Honestly, those are pretty much your two options. Very few people can live alone until they die.

Hire in home help.

Who will supervise the inhome help? That might work if the person lives with family [at least 2 others] so a non-paid person is there at all times also. What if they can't make a shift? Level of care needed? I've seen some people who are as helpless as newborn babies for years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My greatest fear in life is getting put in a home or getting stuck with one of my worthless kids. I would kill myself first.

What do you plan to do when you're old? Honestly, those are pretty much your two options. Very few people can live alone until they die.

Hire in home help.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We moved my mom kicking and screaming. I did not like the place my brother chose but I was overruled. Now I get seriously 50 calls a day of complaining. Going home is a no go. She need medical supervision as she doesn't like medicine and it is necessary. What to do? I feel so guilty but I know she cannot live on her own. My brothers just block her calls and go on with life. I am exhausted and drive up and back once a week to see her (three hours each way). She is not trying to make friends. Just complains. Other people in this situation and what to do? Living with me not an option for my own sanity as is moving her here.

You need to do what your brothers do: block her calls when you need a break. Visit her when you feel you can tolerate her complaining.

This is awful! Send mom to assisted living and then block her calls?!? Who are you people? I don't have much advice, but are there geriatric specialists in counseling that could help?

Hang in there OP.

I would possibly do a few surprise visits and maybe work with a social worker at the facility or something as other people have suggested . If you confirm that there is nothing actually wrong then I think it is fine to limit contact with your mom to one phone call a day.

My grandmother lived in her home with my uncle and that was a disaster for many reasons. I would not feel bad for not being able to have her in your homes because frankly most people are not mentally or emotionally equipped to do a good job. You just have to make sure she is somewhere receiving adequate care.

Also for everyone who is suggesting she go home and just have home health aides and nurses come into her house you really don't know what type of folks they hire. I have a family member who has a felony conviction (many years ago) and is truly one of the most evil people I have ever met that worked as a home health person through some agency for a good ten years. The thought of him potentially being in a house with an elderly person alone is very scary. I know nursing homes can have crime issues as well but at least there are more eyes there than just one elderly individual living alone.

A different facility, one closer to you, might be the answer, OP. Please don't block her calls. You sound like a loving daughter and I'm sure that if living with you was an option, you would have done it.

Anonymous wrote:My greatest fear in life is getting put in a home or getting stuck with one of my worthless kids. I would kill myself first.

What do you plan to do when you're old? Honestly, those are pretty much your two options. Very few people can live alone until they die.

My greatest fear in life is getting put in a home or getting stuck with one of my worthless kids. I would kill myself first.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We moved my mom kicking and screaming. I did not like the place my brother chose but I was overruled. Now I get seriously 50 calls a day of complaining. Going home is a no go. She need medical supervision as she doesn't like medicine and it is necessary. What to do? I feel so guilty but I know she cannot live on her own. My brothers just block her calls and go on with life. I am exhausted and drive up and back once a week to see her (three hours each way). She is not trying to make friends. Just complains. Other people in this situation and what to do? Living with me not an option for my own sanity as is moving her here.

You need to do what your brothers do: block her calls when you need a break. Visit her when you feel you can tolerate her complaining.

What is wrong with you?! Block her mother's call?

OP, make a surprise visit at a meal and see what the food is like. My aunt? was in a nursing home and complained about the food. I made a surprise visit on a Sunday for the evening meal and patrons were given a pint of mild, an apple and a grilled cheese sandwich. The grilled cheese had been cooked hours earlier and was so hard I couldn't break it into. The next morning I called the director and raised Holy Hell.

Do not assume this is just an adjustment period.

LOL my mom complains about the food at her facility, and I eat there from time to time and it is fine. She just wants to make the chef - who cooks for hundreds of people - provide exactly what she wants every day, and she will never admit this is unreasonable.

Anonymous wrote:Why did the brothers overrule OP? Was it a cost issue.

You can have her moved, but will she keep complaining?

YES. My mom complains about her facility every day and I know perfectly well that if I moved her she'd complain about that, too. Screw that. Not going down that road. She gets everything she needs there and it wouldn't be better anywhere else.

For medication, you could have a nurse come into the home to administer it or a less restrictive environment with supports.

Most of these places are pretty miserable and depressing. They have minimal activities, food is gross and quality of care is minimal (having dealt with it for years with a relative).

In terms of guardianship, we have it for our loved one. There is a very high threshold. You have to file in court with two doctors agreeing. The person is given an attorney who makes an independent assessment of the individual as well. If all agree, its a smooth and easy process but you have to prove without a doubt this person cannot care for themselves. I doubt brother has it. You can check someone into a nursing home as most will agree as its about money. We did it. My husband had POA but that is a worthless piece of paper.

OP, you need to look at alternatives.