Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm married to someone who had a shitty relationship with his parents (mom was emotionally and verbally abusive, dad was Vietnam vet with PTSD who was physically abusive) who is from a small town in Maine (not the gorgeous coastal part). We went to his hometown ONCE, early in our relationship, because he wanted to show me where he came from. I honestly thought that it was awesome - kitschy diners and driving around in his mom's truck and whatnot. I am from the midwest, so it was nice to see a small town in a different area. DH hated that town, moved away from it when he was 17 and now, at 43, has been back exactly 4x since he was 17. His relationship withi his parents is a lot better, but it's ONLY better for him when he interacts with them on his terms, one of which is not going back to Maine.

If your husband is willing to interact with his parents but doesn't want to go to Quebec, then don't make him to go Quebec. Make them come to you. Be on his side. It matters.

Thanks, yes, that is a good point. I will stop being guilted by MIL on this issue and just let my DH have his parents come here when he feels like it.

OP, I'm married to someone who had a shitty relationship with his parents (mom was emotionally and verbally abusive, dad was Vietnam vet with PTSD who was physically abusive) who is from a small town in Maine (not the gorgeous coastal part). We went to his hometown ONCE, early in our relationship, because he wanted to show me where he came from. I honestly thought that it was awesome - kitschy diners and driving around in his mom's truck and whatnot. I am from the midwest, so it was nice to see a small town in a different area. DH hated that town, moved away from it when he was 17 and now, at 43, has been back exactly 4x since he was 17. His relationship withi his parents is a lot better, but it's ONLY better for him when he interacts with them on his terms, one of which is not going back to Maine.

If your husband is willing to interact with his parents but doesn't want to go to Quebec, then don't make him to go Quebec. Make them come to you. Be on his side. It matters.

Anonymous wrote:We lived down the rode from DHs father and my MIL comes from CA like two or three times a year. She is on a fixed income so she always gets deals and never pays hotel/has people to stay with. My parents are fairly well off and living in TX. My mom came once just after the twins were born but my Dad hasn't met them and my mom hasn't been back in a solid year and a half. They also stopped talking to me because I am not a Trump supporter. I am fine with it. I do miss talking to them sometimes, but they are such drama and my mother has always been emotionally manipulative, that I find my life is calmer without them. And I don't think I want my kids around the racist stuff my mom says anyhow.

Sorry you are going through this. That sounds totally crazy.

My mom lives on the west coast, my dad lives in the Midwest, and both of DH's parents live in (different parts of) Florida.

We try to see everyone once a year. Last year, we went to Florida for TG and saw DH's parents (2 days with his mom, 2 days with his dad). My mom tends to come here in the spring for DD's birthday, and my dad in the summer after the academic year wraps up for him. Then we do Christmas at some parent's house, usually my mom, because she really loves Christmas and no one else really cares that much.

We lived down the rode from DHs father and my MIL comes from CA like two or three times a year. She is on a fixed income so she always gets deals and never pays hotel/has people to stay with. My parents are fairly well off and living in TX. My mom came once just after the twins were born but my Dad hasn't met them and my mom hasn't been back in a solid year and a half. They also stopped talking to me because I am not a Trump supporter. I am fine with it. I do miss talking to them sometimes, but they are such drama and my mother has always been emotionally manipulative, that I find my life is calmer without them. And I don't think I want my kids around the racist stuff my mom says anyhow.

They were abusive to your husband yet you want to put their children in their company?

I don't believe some element of the story.

But, we live far from family. My parents are more affluent than DH's ~ they have been out to our new place 3 times since June and we visited them once in the BVI, where they winter. His parents (I love his mom) have been out once. I miss my parents. It's hard.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By "Grandparents" - - are these parents of you/DH or actual Grandparents for you? If they are parents you should travel to see them - I don't care how far away they live - once a year at least - regardless of how many times/or how easy it is for them to visit you.

They are my in-laws and my DH's parents. My DH does not like them, and I do not like them either, so that maybe provides a gloss to my question. They were physically abusive to him when he was growing up. They have not ever apologized or tried to make amends, and instead act like nothing ever happened -- it gets under my DH's skin. But I still feel like it's good for my kids to have a relationship with their grandparents.

It is not good for your kids to have a relationship with parents that were abusive to your husband. I would just cross them off your list. I would also never let my children be alone with them.

My DH and I travel once a year to see our parents, so 2 trips a year. All we can afford in time and money. They are always welcome to visit us but never do. Mostly because they are elderly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By "Grandparents" - - are these parents of you/DH or actual Grandparents for you? If they are parents you should travel to see them - I don't care how far away they live - once a year at least - regardless of how many times/or how easy it is for them to visit you.

They are my in-laws and my DH's parents. My DH does not like them, and I do not like them either, so that maybe provides a gloss to my question. They were physically abusive to him when he was growing up. They have not ever apologized or tried to make amends, and instead act like nothing ever happened -- it gets under my DH's skin. But I still feel like it's good for my kids to have a relationship with their grandparents.

Um.

Come ON. Then no, of course you don't have to visit them. That changes everything.

This. If you do not have a great relationship with them, don't use your limited vacation time to go. From my perspective, it would be better for your nuclear family to go on a vacation where you disconnect to the extent possible and spend quality time with each other.

I am a grandmother. My daughter is wonderful and comes to see us in FL as much as she can. ( we pay airfare ). However, she married a jerk and we don't feel welcome in their home. Life gets sloppy sometimes.

Anonymous wrote:If your DH never wants to return to Quebec, why are you even asking DCUM??? Please. Respect your husbands feelings on this.

. Husband's. I am assuming you only have one.

If your DH never wants to return to Quebec, why are you even asking DCUM??? Please. Respect your husbands feelings on this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By "Grandparents" - - are these parents of you/DH or actual Grandparents for you? If they are parents you should travel to see them - I don't care how far away they live - once a year at least - regardless of how many times/or how easy it is for them to visit you.

They are my in-laws and my DH's parents. My DH does not like them, and I do not like them either, so that maybe provides a gloss to my question. They were physically abusive to him when he was growing up. They have not ever apologized or tried to make amends, and instead act like nothing ever happened -- it gets under my DH's skin. But I still feel like it's good for my kids to have a relationship with their grandparents.

Um.

Come ON. Then no, of course you don't have to visit them. That changes everything.

Anonymous wrote:We use literally all our vacation time to visit family. I love my family and DH loves his; I figure this is what we signed up for when we moved far away.

+1 We do the same. We do the occasional long weekend away as a nuclear family, but the full week vacations are spent with grandparents (either at their houses or at a rented house in a vacation area).

We have one set on the opposite coast (6 hour flight + time zone change) and one a 5 hour drive up the East Coast.

We went once to CA with our youngest when she was 2 and took her two a family reunion on that side in yet another time zone the same year. Never again will I travel time zones with a still napping child. That child is now 6 and is going to CA this summer with my husband while I stay home with our toddler. Those grandparents usually come to us 2x a year. I'm not sure what we'll do in the future as flying all 4 of us there and then renting a car would pretty much eat up our vacation budget for the year not to mention, our vacation time since if we're going to CA, it's not really worth it to go just for a weekend.

For the ones we can drive to, they actually come here pretty frequently, usually every 8 weeks or so. We've taken the youngest up there once and our oldest has been probably on average 2x a year. She goes there for 2 weeks every summer for Grandma Camp.

My in-laws live in Ohio. My daughter is their only grandchild, so they see her a lot - probably once a month. (mostly weekend visits, but one week in the summer and around Xmas.)

My parents live in Kansas. My daughter is one of 9 grandchildren so there's a little less urgency there for them. We try to spend about two weeks a year with them - once over the holidays (xmas or thanksgiving) and once in the spring or summer. We go to them for the holidays but they usually come closer to us for the spring/summer.

I wish we saw them more often but I don't really have the money for more than a couple of flights a year.