Anonymous
Post 04/03/2017 12:57     Subject: Re:Does anyone's out of town family actually help when visiting?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:4 sets? As in both your parents are separated/widowed/etc and so you each have two separate parent sets that visit? That could be tough... and none of the four sets help? Or is it just the one that's especially unhelpful? I only have 2 sets but my problem is the unhelpfulness plus they visit a LOT for being out of town. We are at 4 1/2 months and each set has visited 3 times already.


Yes. Two of the parents are remarried, so they come separately with their spouses. The other two have long term boyfriend/girlfriends but generally come alone. TBH it's exhausting but my big complaint is with the MIL. She was a single mother growing up by choice (two divorces) and looooves to be spoiled by DH. When she is here DH caters to her, cooking food or getting expensive carryout to accommodate her insane vegan diet and doing all the cleaning, and then all she does is hang out with the baby. When I call DH out on it he says it is his choice and he wants to spoil his mother. He seems to feel perpetual guilt for the sacrifices she made while she raised him and the fact that he moved away out of state. She is now coming to visit every 2.5-3 months which I think is too much, and she lays the guilt on thick when she is here about how hard it is to be away from her grandchild and starts asking when she can come on her next trip before she's even left. When she makes an offer to do something to help, DH refuses and does it himself, then ends up resentful. I try to help him with the cooking and cleaning but then get mad when we are both spending our weekends doing all the cooking and dishes while she hangs out with our kid, which we rarely get a chance to do during the week. But then he gets mad at me for being mad at her.

FWIW I am grateful she loves her grandchild and is working to have an active relationship but I don't know how to get her to pitch in when DH doesn't see the need for her to lift a finger. My feeling is that if she wants to come down as often as she is and DH is buying some or all of her flights and we are paying for all her fancy groceries and special meals since she won't eat what we normally cook, then she should do some things to help us. But DH doesn't agree and seems to think her visits need to be a vacation for her. This has become a huge sticking point for us.


This would only be a problem for me if DH was also demanding that I do the accommodating. If he wants to spoil his mom, that's fine. Delightful, even. If he wants ME to spoil his mom, that's another story entirely.
Anonymous
Post 04/03/2017 12:01     Subject: Re:Does anyone's out of town family actually help when visiting?
Anonymous wrote:4 sets? As in both your parents are separated/widowed/etc and so you each have two separate parent sets that visit? That could be tough... and none of the four sets help? Or is it just the one that's especially unhelpful? I only have 2 sets but my problem is the unhelpfulness plus they visit a LOT for being out of town. We are at 4 1/2 months and each set has visited 3 times already.


Yes. Two of the parents are remarried, so they come separately with their spouses. The other two have long term boyfriend/girlfriends but generally come alone. TBH it's exhausting but my big complaint is with the MIL. She was a single mother growing up by choice (two divorces) and looooves to be spoiled by DH. When she is here DH caters to her, cooking food or getting expensive carryout to accommodate her insane vegan diet and doing all the cleaning, and then all she does is hang out with the baby. When I call DH out on it he says it is his choice and he wants to spoil his mother. He seems to feel perpetual guilt for the sacrifices she made while she raised him and the fact that he moved away out of state. She is now coming to visit every 2.5-3 months which I think is too much, and she lays the guilt on thick when she is here about how hard it is to be away from her grandchild and starts asking when she can come on her next trip before she's even left. When she makes an offer to do something to help, DH refuses and does it himself, then ends up resentful. I try to help him with the cooking and cleaning but then get mad when we are both spending our weekends doing all the cooking and dishes while she hangs out with our kid, which we rarely get a chance to do during the week. But then he gets mad at me for being mad at her.

FWIW I am grateful she loves her grandchild and is working to have an active relationship but I don't know how to get her to pitch in when DH doesn't see the need for her to lift a finger. My feeling is that if she wants to come down as often as she is and DH is buying some or all of her flights and we are paying for all her fancy groceries and special meals since she won't eat what we normally cook, then she should do some things to help us. But DH doesn't agree and seems to think her visits need to be a vacation for her. This has become a huge sticking point for us.
Anonymous
Post 04/03/2017 11:24     Subject: Does anyone's out of town family actually help when visiting?
My MIL does everything including cleaning out the fridge and washing dishes by hand. She's a saint though. FIL drives us nuts - leaves food upstairs (we don't allow it off the main floor and have little kids we are trying to set that example for), leaves half drunk cups all around, etc.
Anonymous
Post 04/03/2017 11:21     Subject: Does anyone's out of town family actually help when visiting?
Anonymous wrote:Definitely speak up. My favorite visitor in the entire world is my mother - she just cleans my house, cooks food, grocery shops, everything. She doesn't do it my way but I can breathe when she visits and I love it.


Same here. Even DH likes when my mom visits. When we had babies, mom would cook if I wanted her to, did all the laundry, changed diapers, rock the baby if I wanted to nap, do the dishes, generally clean up, etc. Now that we have pre-teens, she still does a lot of that but dad pitches in more because he likes to take the kids to school and sports. He also likes to do home repair projects so before visits I'll look around to see what he can do. Last time he replaced the light fixture in DS's room.

My ILs never visited, even to meet our newborns.
Anonymous
Post 04/03/2017 11:21     Subject: Re:Does anyone's out of town family actually help when visiting?
4 sets? As in both your parents are separated/widowed/etc and so you each have two separate parent sets that visit? That could be tough... and none of the four sets help? Or is it just the one that's especially unhelpful? I only have 2 sets but my problem is the unhelpfulness plus they visit a LOT for being out of town. We are at 4 1/2 months and each set has visited 3 times already.
Anonymous
Post 04/03/2017 11:15     Subject: Re:Does anyone's out of town family actually help when visiting?
It seems like it generally comes down to people being more comfortable telling their own parents what they need vs. the parents of their spouse. I felt uncomfortable asking MIL to do things whereas DH has no problem asking/telling her to put her damn dishes in the dishwasher already or telling her to get her own drink rather than asking me to do it. Similarly, I have no problem asking my mother if she could do xyz for me or asking her to please clean her stuff off the table so we can sit down to eat. And parents respond better to requests from their own children vs. their DILs/SILs.

My parents can be huge PITAs but I'm used to them and have a lifetime of experience dealing with their particular brand of PITAness so I don't notice as much as DH does. The same way DH doesn't notice MILs own brand of PITAness as much as I do.
Anonymous
Post 04/03/2017 11:13     Subject: Re:Does anyone's out of town family actually help when visiting?
Does anyone's parents visit for an extended time (a few days, not an afternoon) and not help AND not even interact with the baby? I sometimes have no idea why MIL comes over. She flies 3 hours to stay at our house saying she wants to help and is aching to see the baby, and then doesn't help, is picky about food, and doesn't even seem to enjoy holding the baby or playing with her. She might give a pumped bottle once and hold her when she first arrives and when she leaves, but otherwise she watches TV, eats all our junk food, takes walks by herself, naps in the afternoon, and goes to bed at 8:30. Like wtf why are you even here!!! I've asked directly for help and she rarely does it.
Anonymous
Post 04/03/2017 11:06     Subject: Does anyone's out of town family actually help when visiting?
In the net of creating work as visitors vs all things being even vs actually helping, my ILs create net work in our house and my parents are usually on the actual helping end and never on the creating net work in our house end.

My ILs couldn't fathom why I didn't have a hot lunch ready for them precisely at noon every day when they came to visit when we had a 6 week old. And they refuse to rent a car and demand to be driven everywhere, have peculiar diets that change every time they visit so even if you try to be prepared with all the things they insisted they had to have on the last visit, you'd be wrong this time and stuck with the world's largest container of flax seed or whatever. ::eyeballs the 12 cans of tuna they put in our shopping cart on the last visit::

What helps? Well, now that my children are older, I often leave town for part of their visit. They aren't here to see me, they aren't really here to see the kids, they mostly want to hang with my husband. Fine by me! It also helps me to be able to break up the visit into two smaller chunks. I'm better able to tolerate their needling, their messes, the things they break (on every visit! They break things! I have no idea how they manage it, but it shows a complete lack of respect for our house and our things in my mind), the neediness over everything if I'm there with them 3 days, then leave for 3 days, then I'm there again for another 3 days. I think it works out better for them anyway so they can have my husband's undivided attention after the kids go to bed.
Anonymous
Post 04/03/2017 10:56     Subject: Does anyone's out of town family actually help when visiting?
ugh. for what it's worth, yes, some families do help. others do not. my mother is nearly pathological in her helpfulness. she cleans everything. I've never had such a clean house than when she was "visiting" after the baby was born.

my inlaws kind of want to be helpful, but end up being more work than help. I eventually learned that the best thing to do was to either (1) let them hold the baby while I get other things done; or (2) give them a very specific, discrete and easy task when they offer to help. if they say "is there anything I can do to help", don't respond with "oh sure, whatever you like" and don't respond with "oh, how about fixing a snack". I don't give them diapers to change because they screwed it up so many times. instead, I say "oh, thanks, jean, could you put the laundry in the dryer" or "could you run the dishes" or "could you toss those legos back in the box?" simple, discrete and specific.

now, my sister's inlaws show and expect to fed dinner and cleaned up after. she finally just asked them to start staying in a hotel. for dinner, they ordered carry-out when ILs were around and would ask the inlaws to go pick it up. inlaws were surprised and perhaps disgruntled to be asked, I gathered, but then very proud of themselves for "helping"
Anonymous
Post 04/03/2017 10:55     Subject: Re:Does anyone's out of town family actually help when visiting?
Yes, both my parents and my MIL helped A LOT. They came different months though. First of all, they would take care of my oldest who was 18 months at the time (feedings, taking him to the park, taking him on LONG walks on the stroller, etc.) My mom and dad also cooked for us or bought food every single day. My mother in law did our laundry and put it away (which was a bit uncomfortable at first, but I was so tired I got over it really quickly LOL) and she would asked me what I was going to cook and then she could chop up/prep ahead of time. So she was like my sous chef, it was awesome. All three were constantly putting things away so the house stayed neat. It is uncomfortable having people over, but they were so very helpful to us <3
Anonymous
Post 04/03/2017 10:47     Subject: Does anyone's out of town family actually help when visiting?
Anonymous wrote:.


Omg this is totally my MIL! Do I understand how you feel OP. I've communicated with her as per DCURM and she flat out refuses by saying she hasn't been shown how or she volunteers my DH or her DH instead. Who doesn't know how to do laundry or load the dishwasher? She also has a very limited diet and we run around trying to accommodate. Surprisingly, my parents have actually been helpful and take charge cleaning, cooking, holding baby. I feel bad but wish we could invite them more often than MIL and FIL.


Of course you can! Visitors that actually help and make your life easier and that you enjoy get to come more often! Limit the visits that exhaust you, have more of the visits that restore you. No question.


I mean bc it's not fair to DH. He does get somewhat annoyed at his parents but understandably wants to see them. Money is tight and that's why both sets of our parents stay at our house (not at the same time!) instead of a hotel. I'd love if MIL and FIL would stay in a hotel!
Anonymous
Post 04/03/2017 10:40     Subject: Does anyone's out of town family actually help when visiting?
.


Omg this is totally my MIL! Do I understand how you feel OP. I've communicated with her as per DCURM and she flat out refuses by saying she hasn't been shown how or she volunteers my DH or her DH instead. Who doesn't know how to do laundry or load the dishwasher? She also has a very limited diet and we run around trying to accommodate. Surprisingly, my parents have actually been helpful and take charge cleaning, cooking, holding baby. I feel bad but wish we could invite them more often than MIL and FIL.


Of course you can! Visitors that actually help and make your life easier and that you enjoy get to come more often! Limit the visits that exhaust you, have more of the visits that restore you. No question.
Anonymous
Post 04/03/2017 10:30     Subject: Does anyone's out of town family actually help when visiting?
My ILs always take us out to eat once a visit, which I really appreciate. As the kids have gotten a little older, they're also really good at entertaining them and just being present however the kids want them to be. My MIL usually finds some task to do--sweeping the floor, washing dishes. She even cleaned our fish tank one time.

My mom is great with dishes and laundry. We got sick one time when she came to visit, and one of our pets was very ill, and Mom just chugged through laundry and helping with the baby and all kinds of things.

We are really, really fortunate. It's helped us have more frequent visits to know that the load will be lightened and that they don't expect us to do everything.

In your case, you just may need to set some boundaries and have visits at a pace you can handle if they're not going to help.
Anonymous
Post 04/03/2017 10:26     Subject: Does anyone's out of town family actually help when visiting?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My in-laws were super helpful when they visited. My husband warned me that they would help and if I didn't direct them, they'd decide themselves HOW to help.

So I made lists. A list of things I wanted changed/fixed in the house (leaking kitchen sink, balcony doors don't close right, etc) and a list of errands (return stuff in Gap bag to Gap, exchange Janie & Jack stuff for one size up). DH and I also had a mental list in our heads of easy/quick things we could ask them to do when they'd say "what can I do to help?". Actually, if you could take the garbage and recycling out. If you wouldn't mind walking the dog - she'll lead you on her normal route around the block.

I also introduced them to some nice old people their age who live near us, so they could go to the museums with new friends.


So.ebof your "chores" call for handyman, not what parents should be expected to do! If someone asked me to fix a leaking sink, I would tell you to call a plumber. Cooking a couple of meals, cleaning kitchen a few times, okay. Laundry, no way. Cleaning your house. No.


NP here. My FIL would actually prefer to do things like fix a leaking sink or realign balcony doors than cook meals. He'd DEFINITELY prefer those things to doing laundry. He was a carpenter until he retired, and doing stuff like that is a) fun for him (according to him) and b) things that make him feel useful in ways that other people can't be. Maybe it wouldn't work for your parents/in-laws, but I think my FIL would actually be more comfortable fixing a leaking sink than feeding a baby at this point in his life.
Anonymous
Post 04/03/2017 10:22     Subject: Does anyone's out of town family actually help when visiting?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You sound whiny. how old are you? You are physically recovering six months later? Did you birth an elephant? Sounds like you have poor coping skills.

You are so poor you just want them to pick up the tab for take out once? Wtf?


Takeout for 4 adults=$60 per night. Times 3 nights=$180 per set. Times 4 sets of grandparents=$720, plus buying groceries and DH paying for MIL's flight. We aren't poor but we aren't made of money either. And yes, I'm still recovering. No I didn't birth an elephant but I will probably need corrective surgery to fix my prolapsed organs. I can't walk far or pick up heavy things or wear the baby, as it makes the pain and discomfort worse. Exercise is out of the question. Thanks for the sympathy.


NP who does have sympathy for you; that sounds very tough.

But honestly...if you are that bad off and haven't yet figured out that you need to OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND COMMUNICATE YOUR NEEDS during this difficult time, then you are either an idiot, a doormat, or both.


I have, but they just don't seem to get it. Example: I asked my MIL to do laundry and then she insisted that I needed to show her how, after I sorted all the clothes for her, Gave her the coins, keys to the laundry room, detergent, and directions to the laundry room. So I told her to forget it and did it myself. She's also a vegan and won't eat anything we cook--so we have to figure out completely different meals. She also won't eat white flour, pasta, etc so it's almost impossible. And then DH undermines me. He has perpetual guilt because his mom was a poor single mother and constantly reminds him of all the sacrifices she made for him and makes him feel guilty that he moved away. So he races around trying to cater to her. I realize more effective communication is needed
but with some of the parents, it doesn't work or they are overwhelmed by the request...


Omg this is totally my MIL! Do I understand how you feel OP. I've communicated with her as per DCURM and she flat out refuses by saying she hasn't been shown how or she volunteers my DH or her DH instead. Who doesn't know how to do laundry or load the dishwasher? She also has a very limited diet and we run around trying to accommodate. Surprisingly, my parents have actually been helpful and take charge cleaning, cooking, holding baby. I feel bad but wish we could invite them more often than MIL and FIL.