Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People like this are batshit insane. If you can't trust your spouse, then why exactly are you married to that person???

Your spouse went out drinking and is now alone in a hotel room with a member of the opposite sex.

But you're OK with that, because you trust them, right?

And you trust the other person just as much as your spouse. Right?

Yes. Two people can be in a hotel room with nothing happening. I'm sorry your marriage is so weak.

Uh huh. I'm sorry you're so full of shit. You'd go ballistic if your spouse was alone in a hotel room with a member of the opposite sex.

NP. I think perhaps neither you nor your spouse spend much time travelling for work. There are things that sometimes take place in hotel rooms that are work related. Not having is having a fit over it. And hotel rooms aren't always the small bed-only spaces you might be envisioning.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband works mainly with women (he's a writer) and goes out to lunch with his colleagues one on one and in groups in which he's the only man all the time. I work mainly with men (I'm an attorney) and go out to lunch with male colleagues all the time.

If I decided that I couldn't eat alone with men I would have torpedoed my career as a law student. Such an attitude is unbelievably privileged to me. To have the ability to declare that you will never eat alone with a member of the opposite sex? Wow. I wish I had the luxury of telling my bosses that. I believe the entire Price Waterhouse sex discrimination case (back in the 80's) was about the fact that career contacts are not just made in the office, they are made in social contexts as well.

This is pretty much our situation, albeit with different jobs. I work for a large defense firm. I'm alone with male collegues all the time--and often on business trips. I would be VERY angry if one of them told me he couldn't eat dinner with me because his wife wouldn't allow it. In fact, I think that might be an HR discussion.

Anyway, I generally only socialize in the work sense without my husband and vice versa, but it's definitely a gray area since it sometimes includes dinners, happy hours, charity functions, etc.

Huh? I agree that it's kind of extreme for someone to not participate in work-related events for that reason. But I don't see how HR could compel someone to have dinner with you. There's no obligation for an employee to have a one-on-one meal with another employee.

Refusing to be in your presence alone based on your gender while on work assignmnets? Perhaps it depends on where you work, but at my company you can't just say that, especially if you are the boss--you either eat dinner with everyone or noone. You can't pick and choose.

"Gee, I'm sorry, my xxxxx doesn't want me to have dinner with African-Americans/Men/etc". That doesn't really work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People like this are batshit insane. If you can't trust your spouse, then why exactly are you married to that person???

Your spouse went out drinking and is now alone in a hotel room with a member of the opposite sex.

But you're OK with that, because you trust them, right?

And you trust the other person just as much as your spouse. Right?

Yes. Two people can be in a hotel room with nothing happening. I'm sorry your marriage is so weak.

Uh huh. I'm sorry you're so full of shit. You'd go ballistic if your spouse was alone in a hotel room with a member of the opposite sex.

Anonymous wrote:If someone wants to cheat, they will find a way. You are extremely naive if you think saying no dinners with the opposite sex will prevent cheating.

And you are stupid if you think this means it is wise to put your spouse in situations that facilitate cheating.

I never had an issue with it in the past when I was in relationships/marriage with people I trusted. We both felt free and comfortable spending time with others of the opposite sex.

Unfortunately I'm currently with someone who's revealed himself to be completely untrustworthy. So with this guy there is a zero-leeway set-up for as long as I am stuck with him. He agrees that he needs to be way more cautious than a "normal" man around women, much as a struggling alcoholic needs to stay out of bars.

The so-called VP is no normal man, as we can see. He's obviously got issues out the wazoo, so no surprise on his policy.

I would have been okay with it but my DH was doing itfor over a year and did not even mention it to me. He then denied it. Only "fessed up" when I questioned credit card statements. That's NOT okay.

Anonymous wrote:
Our son plays on one of the many travel sport teams in this locale. We rarely travel as a family and often have to divide and conquer. I have my suspicions about my spouse but I have not concluded anything as of yet.

Are affairs prevalent among travel team parents and what has your experience been?



That other spouse would have to be a real dirt bag, especially considering the kids... their parents during sports no less!

My friend's husband started traveling for his job 5 times a year. She wanted him to not travel, or get another job but he refused. Feeling like that was a red flag she hired a p.i. close to the hotel he was staying at. Sure enough he was hitting on women at the bar, but apparently didn't get lucky. A few weeks before the next trip she had a nice talk with him. Made it clear they had a great marriage, but any cheating would be a deal breaker. And that she expected him to communicate any problems they could work on together. He totally agreed. Well long story short he picked up a woman and brought her to his hotel room.

She filed for divorce and shocked the heck out of him. She showed him the photos and never looked back though he cried a river etc. He lied right to her face and very convincing. How he acted when she wasn't around was very sad and disappointing.

Anon adds: yes dining and drinking alone is fine.

Anonymous wrote:Everyone has low times when they feel unloved or unappreciated or vulnerable. Why invite trouble? See Shirley Glass "Not Just Friends"., or any of a Rabbi Gary Neumann's articles. If going drinking alone works for you, I have nothing but love for you and your arrangement. Peace.

Totally agree.

Everyone has low times when they feel unloved or unappreciated or vulnerable. Why invite trouble? See Shirley Glass "Not Just Friends"., or any of a Rabbi Gary Neumann's articles. If going drinking alone works for you, I have nothing but love for you and your arrangement. Peace.

Anonymous wrote:DH and I don't do this with the exception of business dinners, and then it only me when I travel with a sales guy who is 30 years my senior.

We each have held onto a very small number of friends from our lives before each other and are happy to go to dinner with each other's friends. It's never come up that we would go out alone with friends of the opposite sex.

This is how my relationship is too. If there was a reason he wanted to have a one-on-one with one of the women who we are both friends with that would be completely fine. If he has a quick lunch with a colleague, fine.

Having dinner or going out with someone who is new in his life or that is not work related or they are not longtime friends is disrespectful to the relationship in my opinion. My fiancé wouldn't do any of those things and never has. Nor would I, to him. I trust him, but I don't necessarily trust other women to not make moves. I also wouldn't want people gossiping.

Anonymous wrote:If someone wants to cheat, they will find a way. You are extremely naive if you think saying no dinners with the opposite sex will prevent cheating.

This, exactly.

I have female friends who I occasionally stay with - they were FRIENDS and predated my wife's presence in my life by more than a decade, and nothing happened. The nature of this friendship is as part of a larger group, and involves travel to another part of the country, partying (serious drinking - not just food) and involves me staying with these female friends in their guest rooms sometimes.

I was in a marriage prior to my current one - with a chronically insecure and controlling woman. I had no idea how unpleasant and oppressive that was until I broke out of it and we divorced. I am never going back in that box again. You don't have to trust me - I can't force you to - but I am not cheating and I'm not going to act like I am or as if I might. I made it very clear that I wasn't going to stop doing these activities with this group, and that was the price of admission for being with me - she was free to dump me if it was a deal breaker. I put it out there long before we got serious. I talked to my now-wife about these other women (they are part of a group of men and women and couples) early and often, because honestly, if she'd reacted poorly with this insecure controlling BS, that was going to be a deal-breaker for me.

You either can trust the person, or you can't, but you can't prevent an untrustworthy person from cheating on you by limiting and controlling them.

DH and I don't do this with the exception of business dinners, and then it only me when I travel with a sales guy who is 30 years my senior.

We each have held onto a very small number of friends from our lives before each other and are happy to go to dinner with each other's friends. It's never come up that we would go out alone with friends of the opposite sex.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People like this are batshit insane. If you can't trust your spouse, then why exactly are you married to that person???

Your spouse went out drinking and is now alone in a hotel room with a member of the opposite sex.

But you're OK with that, because you trust them, right?

And you trust the other person just as much as your spouse. Right?

Yes. Two people can be in a hotel room with nothing happening. I'm sorry your marriage is so weak.

If someone wants to cheat, they will find a way. You are extremely naive if you think saying no dinners with the opposite sex will prevent cheating.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People like this are batshit insane. If you can't trust your spouse, then why exactly are you married to that person???

Your spouse went out drinking and is now alone in a hotel room with a member of the opposite sex.

But you're OK with that, because you trust them, right?

And you trust the other person just as much as your spouse. Right?