Anonymous
03/30/2017 12:45
Subject: Re:Difference in treatment between sons and daughters
Anonymous wrote:Favoritism and preferential treatment are two different things. During childhood, my brother was clearly my mom's favorite; she liked him better than me and our other brother and admitted to it once we were older. Even so, she spoiled me because she and my dad both think that girls should have pretty things. When I got my driver's license, my parents would excitedly chat about getting me a convertible and discuss what color and model it should be. When my brothers complained about driving our dad's old van, our parents replied, well K is a girl, you don't expect her to drive an old van, do you?? (FWIW I felt guilty about getting a new car and shared the van.)
After we got married and started having kids, my mother would privately tell me what she would do differently between me and her DILs, saying there are things mothers do for their daughters, not their DILs. It has nothing to do with preferring daughters over sons. She wants to bequeath me all her jewelry (not super expensive, but she has a lot) and even though I tell her she should split it between me and SILs (I'm a minimalist and barely wear the jewelry I already have), she outright refuses. She also feels comfortable staying with my family for weeks at a time, helping with cooking and DD, but as she says, because I'm her daughter, and would not do so with my brothers' families for fear of stepping on DIL's toes.
DH is an only child and when we dated and got married, I was surprised by how clueless he was about family dynamics, especially with siblings. Sounds like you might be, too. You should take the perspective that DH's family, as one with siblings, is just something new for you to experience and learn and not be so hurt or offended by any perceived unfairness in treatment.
This is probably mostly true. Yet, older women tend to expect being treated as family by DILs. I say they should adjust their expectations accordingly.
Anonymous
03/28/2017 16:46
Subject: Re:Difference in treatment between sons and daughters
Anonymous wrote:Favoritism and preferential treatment are two different things. During childhood, my brother was clearly my mom's favorite; she liked him better than me and our other brother and admitted to it once we were older. Even so, she spoiled me because she and my dad both think that girls should have pretty things. When I got my driver's license, my parents would excitedly chat about getting me a convertible and discuss what color and model it should be. When my brothers complained about driving our dad's old van, our parents replied, well K is a girl, you don't expect her to drive an old van, do you?? (FWIW I felt guilty about getting a new car and shared the van.)
After we got married and started having kids, my mother would privately tell me what she would do differently between me and her DILs, saying there are things mothers do for their daughters, not their DILs. It has nothing to do with preferring daughters over sons. She wants to bequeath me all her jewelry (not super expensive, but she has a lot) and even though I tell her she should split it between me and SILs (I'm a minimalist and barely wear the jewelry I already have), she outright refuses. She also feels comfortable staying with my family for weeks at a time, helping with cooking and DD, but as she says, because I'm her daughter, and would not do so with my brothers' families for fear of stepping on DIL's toes.
DH is an only child and when we dated and got married, I was surprised by how clueless he was about family dynamics, especially with siblings. Sounds like you might be, too. You should take the perspective that DH's family, as one with siblings, is just something new for you to experience and learn and not be so hurt or offended by any perceived unfairness in treatment.
+1 OP in most families in many cultures the mothers jewelry passed down to only her daughters and not to her daughter in laws. Don't be blindsided when that comes up.
Anonymous
03/28/2017 16:45
Subject: Re:Difference in treatment between sons and daughters
First, there is a huge difference in the relationship between a mother and daughter and mother and DIL, especially when they have a babies. I've witnessed it first hand with my son and two daughters. We have a wonderful relationship with our DIL, but it is her mother who she turns to when she needs advice or support. We are always there for her, but in the #2 position. When our two daughters had their babies, my DW was there to "mother" her daughter and grand baby for the first week or two after birth and is always there for advice. I'm pretty sure they don't turn to their MIL's for advice even though they have good relationships. It's a DNA mother/daughter thing.
In terms of the wedding, we paid for our daughters's weddings but not our son's. We offered to help with our son's wedding but her parents declined the offer. We did pay for a large rehearsal dinner which is traditional.
Finally, my mother had a lot of sons and no daughters. While she was very close to her daughters in law, it wasn't mother/daughter close. The DIL's all called her Mom, but she always knew that they had their own mothers and she never wanted to "take over" that spot.
In terms of the wedding, we paid for our daughters's weddings but not our son's. We offered to help with our son's wedding but her parents declined the offer. We did pay for a large rehearsal dinner which is traditional.
Finally, my mother had a lot of sons and no daughters. While she was very close to her daughters in law, it wasn't mother/daughter close. The DIL's all called her Mom, but she always knew that they had their own mothers and she never wanted to "take over" that spot.
Anonymous
03/28/2017 16:26
Subject: Difference in treatment between sons and daughters
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess I missed the memo that sons aren't the same as daughters. I thought I should treat inlaws the same as my parents. I guess I should spend more time with my own parents instead. I'm an only child.
What do you mean? I think the memo you missed is that YOU are not the same as your sisters-in-law.
+1. And now that you know that, you should feel free to treat YOUR parents differently from your in-laws. No need to have MIL in the delivery room or spend your time and money equally.
Anonymous
03/28/2017 15:29
Subject: Difference in treatment between sons and daughters
it's normal for parents to pay for a daughter's wedding but not the son's. Your parents did not pay? Then wjy would you expect his to?
It's normal for parents to be closer to daughters than to daughters in law.
Are you an only child or the favored child in your own family?
It's normal for parents to be closer to daughters than to daughters in law.
Are you an only child or the favored child in your own family?
Anonymous
03/28/2017 15:26
Subject: Re:Difference in treatment between sons and daughters
Favoritism and preferential treatment are two different things. During childhood, my brother was clearly my mom's favorite; she liked him better than me and our other brother and admitted to it once we were older. Even so, she spoiled me because she and my dad both think that girls should have pretty things. When I got my driver's license, my parents would excitedly chat about getting me a convertible and discuss what color and model it should be. When my brothers complained about driving our dad's old van, our parents replied, well K is a girl, you don't expect her to drive an old van, do you?? (FWIW I felt guilty about getting a new car and shared the van.)
After we got married and started having kids, my mother would privately tell me what she would do differently between me and her DILs, saying there are things mothers do for their daughters, not their DILs. It has nothing to do with preferring daughters over sons. She wants to bequeath me all her jewelry (not super expensive, but she has a lot) and even though I tell her she should split it between me and SILs (I'm a minimalist and barely wear the jewelry I already have), she outright refuses. She also feels comfortable staying with my family for weeks at a time, helping with cooking and DD, but as she says, because I'm her daughter, and would not do so with my brothers' families for fear of stepping on DIL's toes.
DH is an only child and when we dated and got married, I was surprised by how clueless he was about family dynamics, especially with siblings. Sounds like you might be, too. You should take the perspective that DH's family, as one with siblings, is just something new for you to experience and learn and not be so hurt or offended by any perceived unfairness in treatment.
After we got married and started having kids, my mother would privately tell me what she would do differently between me and her DILs, saying there are things mothers do for their daughters, not their DILs. It has nothing to do with preferring daughters over sons. She wants to bequeath me all her jewelry (not super expensive, but she has a lot) and even though I tell her she should split it between me and SILs (I'm a minimalist and barely wear the jewelry I already have), she outright refuses. She also feels comfortable staying with my family for weeks at a time, helping with cooking and DD, but as she says, because I'm her daughter, and would not do so with my brothers' families for fear of stepping on DIL's toes.
DH is an only child and when we dated and got married, I was surprised by how clueless he was about family dynamics, especially with siblings. Sounds like you might be, too. You should take the perspective that DH's family, as one with siblings, is just something new for you to experience and learn and not be so hurt or offended by any perceived unfairness in treatment.
Anonymous
03/28/2017 14:28
Subject: Difference in treatment between sons and daughters
Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I'm an only child too with doting parents and I think I see myself in some of your complaints. Could it be an only child thing? I am used to be emotionally close to older adults and am also used to all the attention from them. It was (and still is!) an adjustment to sort of sharing the in-law attention among my husband and his siblings. I also find myself getting angry when my MIL and SIL exclude me from activities when they are guests at my house or when we are visiting them, when in reality I guess I should just accept that they are not my family and not expect much emotionally from them.
I think us onlies can be a bit emotionally different from other people in terms of expectations of relationships. We just are used to different things!
I wish you all the best.
I'm an only too, but I don't really care much for our relatives on DH's side. I definitely don't expect much emotionally from them. Thankfully, DH takes care of all things social with his extended family.
Anonymous
03/28/2017 14:02
Subject: Re:Difference in treatment between sons and daughters
Anonymous wrote:And sounds like the relationship between your DH and his mother is just fine. It's YOUR relationship you are questioning.
+1 This doesn't sound like an issue of sons vs. daughters, it's really daughters vs. daughters-in-law.
Of course your MIL has a different relationship with her daughters than with you; it's unrealistic to expect the same exact treatment. You're setting yourself up for disappointment and jealousy by expecting MIL to be a second mom to you. It can be hard to let that dream go, but you can't have a relationship with someone if you don't accept them for who they are. What is your MIL capable of giving you in this relationship? Build on that instead of expecting/trying to force more and being disappointed. Speaking from the other side, it's very frustrating to try to have a relationship with someone who grasps at closeness by projecting their own wishes onto you, instead of knowing and accepting you for who you are.
Anonymous
03/28/2017 13:57
Subject: Difference in treatment between sons and daughters
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm talking more about their treatment of our family versus his sisters' families. I'm not asking to be best friends with MIL. I just want my kids treated the same way.
You said your SILs don't have kids and don't want any, so how are your kids being treated differently than their non-existent kids?
+1
Anonymous
03/28/2017 13:55
Subject: Difference in treatment between sons and daughters
Hi OP, I'm an only child too with doting parents and I think I see myself in some of your complaints. Could it be an only child thing? I am used to be emotionally close to older adults and am also used to all the attention from them. It was (and still is!) an adjustment to sort of sharing the in-law attention among my husband and his siblings. I also find myself getting angry when my MIL and SIL exclude me from activities when they are guests at my house or when we are visiting them, when in reality I guess I should just accept that they are not my family and not expect much emotionally from them.
I think us onlies can be a bit emotionally different from other people in terms of expectations of relationships. We just are used to different things!
I wish you all the best.
I think us onlies can be a bit emotionally different from other people in terms of expectations of relationships. We just are used to different things!
I wish you all the best.
Anonymous
03/28/2017 13:34
Subject: Re:Difference in treatment between sons and daughters
OP:
- in American culture the brides family pays for the wedding. The mother is usually involved in her daughters weddings and planning events, not her sons. The groom is usually responsible for the rehearsal dinner.
- it is traditional for the daughter to wear the mothers veil, not the mother in laws. It may have been something very special and significant to your mil.
- as for kids, you are lucky you did not have an overbearing mil during the birth of your children. I wanted only my mother and not my mil near, yet again a daughter mother relationship thing. Your sister in laws don't even have children so frankly you have no basis for comparison besides some platitudes your in laws are saying.
You should really focus on the relationship with your own mother and be happy for the relationship with your in laws. It seems like you are trying to foster a daughter relationship with your in law.
- in American culture the brides family pays for the wedding. The mother is usually involved in her daughters weddings and planning events, not her sons. The groom is usually responsible for the rehearsal dinner.
- it is traditional for the daughter to wear the mothers veil, not the mother in laws. It may have been something very special and significant to your mil.
- as for kids, you are lucky you did not have an overbearing mil during the birth of your children. I wanted only my mother and not my mil near, yet again a daughter mother relationship thing. Your sister in laws don't even have children so frankly you have no basis for comparison besides some platitudes your in laws are saying.
You should really focus on the relationship with your own mother and be happy for the relationship with your in laws. It seems like you are trying to foster a daughter relationship with your in law.
Anonymous
03/28/2017 13:32
Subject: Difference in treatment between sons and daughters
I think moms are closer to their daughter than their DIL. That's been my experience. Your MIL didn't raise you so it's just not the same bond. Me and my mom are like best friends and my MIL and SIL are like best friends also. I think that's just comes from being mother and daughter. Mom's may see their daughter as an extension of themselves.
Anonymous
03/28/2017 13:30
Subject: Difference in treatment between sons and daughters
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm talking more about their treatment of our family versus his sisters' families. I'm not asking to be best friends with MIL. I just want my kids treated the same way.
So you see how ridiculous it sounds that you're upset over the veil?
Anonymous
03/28/2017 13:28
Subject: Difference in treatment between sons and daughters
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm talking more about their treatment of our family versus his sisters' families. I'm not asking to be best friends with MIL. I just want my kids treated the same way.
You said your SILs don't have kids and don't want any, so how are your kids being treated differently than their non-existent kids?
Anonymous
03/28/2017 13:24
Subject: Difference in treatment between sons and daughters
OP here. I'm talking more about their treatment of our family versus his sisters' families. I'm not asking to be best friends with MIL. I just want my kids treated the same way.