Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I very firmly did not want kids. My husband said he loved me and wanted to marry me, but needed to become a father. I agreed to one. We wound up with two (adopting the second in an emergency situation).

I agreed to the one on the condition that HE would be the main parent, and that we would have a nanny. He agreed to those things. I don't bring it up, but I absolutely had kids to keep him.

Are you a really disconnected mother? Do you even enjoy your children?

I work full time. I know where the oldest goes to school but don't remember where her classroom is. I know her best friend's name. But in general DH handles the details, just like the main parent always does. I enjoy them sometimes. Generally when we're out rather than at home.

Anonymous wrote:I very firmly did not want kids. My husband said he loved me and wanted to marry me, but needed to become a father. I agreed to one. We wound up with two (adopting the second in an emergency situation).

I agreed to the one on the condition that HE would be the main parent, and that we would have a nanny. He agreed to those things. I don't bring it up, but I absolutely had kids to keep him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I very firmly did not want kids. My husband said he loved me and wanted to marry me, but needed to become a father. I agreed to one. We wound up with two (adopting the second in an emergency situation).

I agreed to the one on the condition that HE would be the main parent, and that we would have a nanny. He agreed to those things. I don't bring it up, but I absolutely had kids to keep him.

Are you a really disconnected mother? Do you even enjoy your children?

I work full time. I know where the oldest goes to school but don't remember where her classroom is. I know her best friend's name. But in general DH handles the details, just like the main parent always does. I enjoy them sometimes. Generally when we're out rather than at home.

This might be one of the saddest posts I've ever seen posted on DCUM. My heart breaks for your DD.

Eh, save your energy. Both kids are very happy and loved. You're just used to mothers being the main parent, and in our family it's the father.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I very firmly did not want kids. My husband said he loved me and wanted to marry me, but needed to become a father. I agreed to one. We wound up with two (adopting the second in an emergency situation).

I agreed to the one on the condition that HE would be the main parent, and that we would have a nanny. He agreed to those things. I don't bring it up, but I absolutely had kids to keep him.

Are you a really disconnected mother? Do you even enjoy your children?

I work full time. I know where the oldest goes to school but don't remember where her classroom is. I know her best friend's name. But in general DH handles the details, just like the main parent always does. I enjoy them sometimes. Generally when we're out rather than at home.

This might be one of the saddest posts I've ever seen posted on DCUM. My heart breaks for your DD.

Eh, save your energy. Both kids are very happy and loved. You're just used to mothers being the main parent, and in our family it's the father.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I very firmly did not want kids. My husband said he loved me and wanted to marry me, but needed to become a father. I agreed to one. We wound up with two (adopting the second in an emergency situation).

I agreed to the one on the condition that HE would be the main parent, and that we would have a nanny. He agreed to those things. I don't bring it up, but I absolutely had kids to keep him.

Are you a really disconnected mother? Do you even enjoy your children?

I work full time. I know where the oldest goes to school but don't remember where her classroom is. I know her best friend's name. But in general DH handles the details, just like the main parent always does. I enjoy them sometimes. Generally when we're out rather than at home.

This might be one of the saddest posts I've ever seen posted on DCUM. My heart breaks for your DD.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I very firmly did not want kids. My husband said he loved me and wanted to marry me, but needed to become a father. I agreed to one. We wound up with two (adopting the second in an emergency situation).

I agreed to the one on the condition that HE would be the main parent, and that we would have a nanny. He agreed to those things. I don't bring it up, but I absolutely had kids to keep him.

Are you a really disconnected mother? Do you even enjoy your children?

I work full time. I know where the oldest goes to school but don't remember where her classroom is. I know her best friend's name. But in general DH handles the details, just like the main parent always does. I enjoy them sometimes. Generally when we're out rather than at home.

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends on how vehemently either one of them feels. I was adamant about wanting 3-4 kids before marriage, but we have two and it's kicking my butt. So, I think we will settle at 2. My husband was always in the 2-3 camp; since we both were flexible and wanted to see how it went, that's what we did. He's good with 2 as well (at least right now).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that that would be a dealbreaker for me. I think that as far as talk of kids goes, the only dealbreakers (before I had kids) would've been "any" vs. "none."

I think it is worth talking about WHY he wants to have two children, and what his feelings are about the child she already has and how that child fits into the picture. My husband and I had this conversation before we married. I have a DD from my first marriage and he has no children. When we married, he was open to the idea of more kids, but he was also open to the idea of not having any kids in the house other than DD, who is with us all but one weekend a month. We were on the same page with not wanting to have more than one more, though. As a woman, I would be incredibly hesitant to pursue a relationship with someone who did not already have children who was adamant about wanting more kids than I wanted.

+1

Not necessarily a dealbreaker, but he sounds a little inflexible, and possibly like he thinks her child doesn't "count." That would be very troubling to me. They need to have more conversations about this - How does he know he definitely wants two kids when he currently has none? Is he the type of person who can roll with changing circumstances, or once he's made up his mind, he will never reconsider? How does he envision integrating her child into their new family?

Her child doesn't "count" to him; it's not his genetic child. Remarrying people with kids should get over their illusion that anybody gives a crap about their kids.

As a remarried person, I would not have married DH if I thought he didn't give a crap about my kid. I think you should get over your illusion that everyone is as big of a jerk as you.

If you have common children, he loves them a lot more than your child. It's a fact. Don't get all defensive about it.

Would you say the same thing about a person who had one biological child and one adopted child, that they love the biological children more?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that that would be a dealbreaker for me. I think that as far as talk of kids goes, the only dealbreakers (before I had kids) would've been "any" vs. "none."

I think it is worth talking about WHY he wants to have two children, and what his feelings are about the child she already has and how that child fits into the picture. My husband and I had this conversation before we married. I have a DD from my first marriage and he has no children. When we married, he was open to the idea of more kids, but he was also open to the idea of not having any kids in the house other than DD, who is with us all but one weekend a month. We were on the same page with not wanting to have more than one more, though. As a woman, I would be incredibly hesitant to pursue a relationship with someone who did not already have children who was adamant about wanting more kids than I wanted.

+1

Not necessarily a dealbreaker, but he sounds a little inflexible, and possibly like he thinks her child doesn't "count." That would be very troubling to me. They need to have more conversations about this - How does he know he definitely wants two kids when he currently has none? Is he the type of person who can roll with changing circumstances, or once he's made up his mind, he will never reconsider? How does he envision integrating her child into their new family?

Her child doesn't "count" to him; it's not his genetic child. Remarrying people with kids should get over their illusion that anybody gives a crap about their kids.

As a remarried person, I would not have married DH if I thought he didn't give a crap about my kid. I think you should get over your illusion that everyone is as big of a jerk as you.

If you have common children, he loves them a lot more than your child. It's a fact. Don't get all defensive about it.

Your husband has three families?

That sounds insane. I don't think that you can generalize this situation.


Would you say the same thing about a person who had one biological child and one adopted child, that they love the biological children more?

NP

No, because in most cases, relationships between stepchildren and adopted children are different. Some people may love their stepkids as much as their own biological kids, and that's AWESOME.

But some people may not love them the same, especially if they came into their stepkid's life when the child was older, or the stepkid's other biological parent is heavily involved and the stepparent isn't allowed to play a parental role, and that's okay. You certainly wouldn't expect a child to love his or her stepmother the same as his or her mother.

And step relationships aren't always permanent. My H has step and bio kids from his first marriage -- and yes, he still has a good relationship with one of his ex-stepkids (so I and our bio daughter, actually, because she's pretty awesome), but is it as strong as his relationship with his biological kids? Hell No.

Plus, I don't know how you can love two people 'the same' anyway.

Also, that's not to say you shouldn't expect respect, caring, and appropriately equal treatment/standards for all parties in a step relationship. Should I ever be a single mom, that's what I would expect.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that that would be a dealbreaker for me. I think that as far as talk of kids goes, the only dealbreakers (before I had kids) would've been "any" vs. "none."

I think it is worth talking about WHY he wants to have two children, and what his feelings are about the child she already has and how that child fits into the picture. My husband and I had this conversation before we married. I have a DD from my first marriage and he has no children. When we married, he was open to the idea of more kids, but he was also open to the idea of not having any kids in the house other than DD, who is with us all but one weekend a month. We were on the same page with not wanting to have more than one more, though. As a woman, I would be incredibly hesitant to pursue a relationship with someone who did not already have children who was adamant about wanting more kids than I wanted.

+1

Not necessarily a dealbreaker, but he sounds a little inflexible, and possibly like he thinks her child doesn't "count." That would be very troubling to me. They need to have more conversations about this - How does he know he definitely wants two kids when he currently has none? Is he the type of person who can roll with changing circumstances, or once he's made up his mind, he will never reconsider? How does he envision integrating her child into their new family?

Her child doesn't "count" to him; it's not his genetic child. Remarrying people with kids should get over their illusion that anybody gives a crap about their kids.

As a remarried person, I would not have married DH if I thought he didn't give a crap about my kid. I think you should get over your illusion that everyone is as big of a jerk as you.

If you have common children, he loves them a lot more than your child. It's a fact. Don't get all defensive about it.

Would you say the same thing about a person who had one biological child and one adopted child, that they love the biological children more?

NP

No, because in most cases, relationships between stepchildren and adopted children are different. Some people may love their stepkids as much as their own biological kids, and that's AWESOME.

But some people may not love them the same, especially if they came into their stepkid's life when the child was older, or the stepkid's other biological parent is heavily involved and the stepparent isn't allowed to play a parental role, and that's okay. You certainly wouldn't expect a child to love his or her stepmother the same as his or her mother.

And step relationships aren't always permanent. My H has step and bio kids from his first marriage -- and yes, he still has a good relationship with one of his ex-stepkids (so I and our bio daughter, actually, because she's pretty awesome), but is it as strong as his relationship with his biological kids? Hell No.

Plus, I don't know how you can love two people 'the same' anyway.

Also, that's not to say you shouldn't expect respect, caring, and appropriately equal treatment/standards for all parties in a step relationship. Should I ever be a single mom, that's what I would expect.

+1 I'm the PP who posted about the woman's child seemingly not "counting" to the fiance, and I agree with you.

I didn't say he must love her child as his own. Obviously stepparent-child relationships are different than biological parent-child relationships or adoptive parent-child relationships.

Especially if it's an older child (not a baby) and the other parent is still in the picture, it's going to be a very different relationship between mom and child than between stepdad and child - and that's ok. But the child still deserves to be respected, cared for, and integrated into the family unit by the stepparent. The stepparent should be invested in building a relationship with the child. If this guy can't or won't do that, he shouldn't be marrying a woman who has a child.

PP here. I don't disagree with any of that, but it's a LOT different than "not giving a crap about her kid" unless it's his kid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that that would be a dealbreaker for me. I think that as far as talk of kids goes, the only dealbreakers (before I had kids) would've been "any" vs. "none."

I think it is worth talking about WHY he wants to have two children, and what his feelings are about the child she already has and how that child fits into the picture. My husband and I had this conversation before we married. I have a DD from my first marriage and he has no children. When we married, he was open to the idea of more kids, but he was also open to the idea of not having any kids in the house other than DD, who is with us all but one weekend a month. We were on the same page with not wanting to have more than one more, though. As a woman, I would be incredibly hesitant to pursue a relationship with someone who did not already have children who was adamant about wanting more kids than I wanted.

+1

Not necessarily a dealbreaker, but he sounds a little inflexible, and possibly like he thinks her child doesn't "count." That would be very troubling to me. They need to have more conversations about this - How does he know he definitely wants two kids when he currently has none? Is he the type of person who can roll with changing circumstances, or once he's made up his mind, he will never reconsider? How does he envision integrating her child into their new family?

Her child doesn't "count" to him; it's not his genetic child. Remarrying people with kids should get over their illusion that anybody gives a crap about their kids.

As a remarried person, I would not have married DH if I thought he didn't give a crap about my kid. I think you should get over your illusion that everyone is as big of a jerk as you.

If you have common children, he loves them a lot more than your child. It's a fact. Don't get all defensive about it.

Would you say the same thing about a person who had one biological child and one adopted child, that they love the biological children more?

NP

No, because in most cases, relationships between stepchildren and adopted children are different. Some people may love their stepkids as much as their own biological kids, and that's AWESOME.

But some people may not love them the same, especially if they came into their stepkid's life when the child was older, or the stepkid's other biological parent is heavily involved and the stepparent isn't allowed to play a parental role, and that's okay. You certainly wouldn't expect a child to love his or her stepmother the same as his or her mother.

And step relationships aren't always permanent. My H has step and bio kids from his first marriage -- and yes, he still has a good relationship with one of his ex-stepkids (so I and our bio daughter, actually, because she's pretty awesome), but is it as strong as his relationship with his biological kids? Hell No.

Plus, I don't know how you can love two people 'the same' anyway.

Also, that's not to say you shouldn't expect respect, caring, and appropriately equal treatment/standards for all parties in a step relationship. Should I ever be a single mom, that's what I would expect.

+1 I'm the PP who posted about the woman's child seemingly not "counting" to the fiance, and I agree with you.

I didn't say he must love her child as his own. Obviously stepparent-child relationships are different than biological parent-child relationships or adoptive parent-child relationships.

Especially if it's an older child (not a baby) and the other parent is still in the picture, it's going to be a very different relationship between mom and child than between stepdad and child - and that's ok. But the child still deserves to be respected, cared for, and integrated into the family unit by the stepparent. The stepparent should be invested in building a relationship with the child. If this guy can't or won't do that, he shouldn't be marrying a woman who has a child.