Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wrt the laundry, I need to do my own. Husband would put wool in the dryer and so on. It would take forever to train him.
That said, the point is more about his constant need to contradict me. I'm thinking of shutting him out completely. If he can't support me then why even bother to speak to him other than to tell him the mail came. Kids are done a disservice to see their father acting like that.
We are not looking at divorce even though there is no love. It might be hard for people to understand but at our age, I have seen my share of fire to frying pan maneuvers. Plus the financial free fall.

OP that is wise. I've also seen that happen to many and it doesn't end well. My one friend is now going through her 2nd divorce after divorcing the 1st husband 7 years ago. I'm assuming you've talk to him about contradicting you constantly.
I get up 2 hours early (morning person) and do a load every other day. Try that, maybe have your husband fold and put away after you leave? Maybe a few nights a week you can meet a friend for dinner just to unwind and let husband and kids fend for themselves. If he refuses to change I'd probably minimize social events with him. Go with your friends etc.

Don't stop talking to him, but slowly minimize interactions where there will be disagreements. I think you need to use better psychology. The minute he starts to contradict you walk away. That way he can only contradict the wall. Again do things you like without him, a friend or family member or your kids. Don't empower his behavior or feed into it. Next time you want to use the computer YOU do so and ignore his stupid comments.

Thanks. I like this advice. I've never actually walked away before, but I might simply do that next time. A behavioral change is likely to concern him. Thinking of joining a hiking group without the kids or him. Something I would love to do more.

That's a great idea, many things you can do. Yes I learned years ago most things aren't worth arguing about. You can pretend to be busy and walk into another room. That does work. He wants to nit pick, get a glass of wine and watch your favorite show away from him. Take a long bath even. My friend and I go to Vegas once a year for a "girls" get away.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wrt the laundry, I need to do my own. Husband would put wool in the dryer and so on. It would take forever to train him.
That said, the point is more about his constant need to contradict me. I'm thinking of shutting him out completely. If he can't support me then why even bother to speak to him other than to tell him the mail came. Kids are done a disservice to see their father acting like that.
We are not looking at divorce even though there is no love. It might be hard for people to understand but at our age, I have seen my share of fire to frying pan maneuvers. Plus the financial free fall.

OP that is wise. I've also seen that happen to many and it doesn't end well. My one friend is now going through her 2nd divorce after divorcing the 1st husband 7 years ago. I'm assuming you've talk to him about contradicting you constantly.
I get up 2 hours early (morning person) and do a load every other day. Try that, maybe have your husband fold and put away after you leave? Maybe a few nights a week you can meet a friend for dinner just to unwind and let husband and kids fend for themselves. If he refuses to change I'd probably minimize social events with him. Go with your friends etc.

Don't stop talking to him, but slowly minimize interactions where there will be disagreements. I think you need to use better psychology. The minute he starts to contradict you walk away. That way he can only contradict the wall. Again do things you like without him, a friend or family member or your kids. Don't empower his behavior or feed into it. Next time you want to use the computer YOU do so and ignore his stupid comments.

Thanks. I like this advice. I've never actually walked away before, but I might simply do that next time. A behavioral change is likely to concern him. Thinking of joining a hiking group without the kids or him. Something I would love to do more.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP when he tries to make you look bad come back with a witty comment. For example: "Oh honey that's because you don't do anything", or "You wouldn't make it without my income." "That guy who keep hitting on me at work is looking better and better."

I'm assuming you both are at a age where divorce would be a big wealth killer. If he's that bad I would be putting money away he doesn't know about. Unless you live in a mansion you shouldn't need a maid. What does your husband do for a living? Do he do anything around the house?

He drives the kids to activities, pays bills, takes out the trash, and that's it. His job is 35-40 hours a week. Federal. I earn double what he does. I would never threaten the adultery thing because I wouldn't do that to MYSELF. I don't want my kids to hear silly nickel and diming talk that drives me nuts in relationships.

does he think you should cut back on the hours, the salary, and live a little? Does he think that he is married to somebody who will always put herself in a place where she is overwhelmed, rather than cut back?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wrt the laundry, I need to do my own. Husband would put wool in the dryer and so on. It would take forever to train him.
That said, the point is more about his constant need to contradict me. I'm thinking of shutting him out completely. If he can't support me then why even bother to speak to him other than to tell him the mail came. Kids are done a disservice to see their father acting like that.
We are not looking at divorce even though there is no love. It might be hard for people to understand but at our age, I have seen my share of fire to frying pan maneuvers. Plus the financial free fall.

OP that is wise. I've also seen that happen to many and it doesn't end well. My one friend is now going through her 2nd divorce after divorcing the 1st husband 7 years ago. I'm assuming you've talk to him about contradicting you constantly.
I get up 2 hours early (morning person) and do a load every other day. Try that, maybe have your husband fold and put away after you leave? Maybe a few nights a week you can meet a friend for dinner just to unwind and let husband and kids fend for themselves. If he refuses to change I'd probably minimize social events with him. Go with your friends etc.

Don't stop talking to him, but slowly minimize interactions where there will be disagreements. I think you need to use better psychology. The minute he starts to contradict you walk away. That way he can only contradict the wall. Again do things you like without him, a friend or family member or your kids. Don't empower his behavior or feed into it. Next time you want to use the computer YOU do so and ignore his stupid comments.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP when he tries to make you look bad come back with a witty comment. For example: "Oh honey that's because you don't do anything", or "You wouldn't make it without my income." "That guy who keep hitting on me at work is looking better and better."

I'm assuming you both are at a age where divorce would be a big wealth killer. If he's that bad I would be putting money away he doesn't know about. Unless you live in a mansion you shouldn't need a maid. What does your husband do for a living? Do he do anything around the house?

He drives the kids to activities, pays bills, takes out the trash, and that's it. His job is 35-40 hours a week. Federal. I earn double what he does. I would never threaten the adultery thing because I wouldn't do that to MYSELF. I don't want my kids to hear silly nickel and diming talk that drives me nuts in relationships.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wrt the laundry, I need to do my own. Husband would put wool in the dryer and so on. It would take forever to train him.
That said, the point is more about his constant need to contradict me. I'm thinking of shutting him out completely. If he can't support me then why even bother to speak to him other than to tell him the mail came. Kids are done a disservice to see their father acting like that.
We are not looking at divorce even though there is no love. It might be hard for people to understand but at our age, I have seen my share of fire to frying pan maneuvers. Plus the financial free fall.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, they are BOTH paying for the maid, since they are married. Married money. Kids though, they are out. Clean your own rooms, kids! Maybe kids should do ALLLLLL of the laundry. New chores, kids!

That was my point. She wasn't suggesting a reorg that put more on her husband's plate, so why should he care what she asks the maid to do?

Anonymous wrote:Um, they are BOTH paying for the maid, since they are married. Married money. Kids though, they are out. Clean your own rooms, kids! Maybe kids should do ALLLLLL of the laundry. New chores, kids!

Anonymous wrote:Keep in mind that when your husband publicly undermines you, it does not make YOU look bad. It makes HIM look bad. Everyone looks at HIM and thinks "Oh my god, what a douche to not stick up for and support his wife!"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing you have said so far shows that your husband is wrong or hurtful, nor that he never takes your side.

1. Most people don't have help, even though they work full-time or more.
2. Teens should definitely learn the basics of life management.
3. Both your husband and yourself have a right to voice your opinions, and when you are want to reach a joint decision, then you have to work to persuade the other.
4. If your feelings were hurt by your spouse at a public occasion, a conversation should have ensued. What did you say?

We can't tell here is your husband is socially clueless (different from "doesn't love me", which I highly doubt), or if you're being too sensitive, or both.

I am at a near breaking point, and I have told him. Waiting to get time off from work (we are short staffed) to get some vacation.
For now, I expect a statement like this: " I know that you're tired, let's try to get the, kids to help out more, the laundry should not dominate the one day you have off each week". I have never put my kids ahead of him. I cringe at the thought of my son hearing this unchivalrous behaviour.
Once when I needed the computer to get some work done, I asked my daughter to get up several times (the norm). He broke in to suggest that I use my I phone instead and let dd use the computer. I can barely see the tiny screen, and I needed to pull up several documents. My sister could not believe him.
Funny enough, I think he hates the kids too. Who would encourage their kids to fight their mother?

Your response shows that you really don't understand him, and he doesn't understand you. It's not a question of love, OP, get that into your thick head.
You need CBT therapy to resolve this. Like I said before, your husband sounds very typical of someone who is socially clueless (Aspie tendencies, call it what you will). He needs to be told that his words are not empathetic, and he needs to acquire automated responses to cues you give (so first he needs to observe and recognize those cues!). You, on the other hand, need to reduce your emotional reaction and sensitivity, because it's killing you. So, couples' therapy.

You're so empathetic. For serious: do you literally get off on slapping at posters here?

Anonymous wrote:OP, for starters, your kids are just as able to do their own laundry and clean their own rooms as you or your maid are. You should not be paying someone to clean up after them. It's not good for their life management skills, for one thing, and it also is clearly not working for you. Is there some reason why "laundry" cannot be the weekly responsibility of someone other than you?