Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay in a hotel. That's an important rule.
Go once a year. At minimum you go alone
There is value to you keeping your relationship with your brother - kids or not.
If it starts to annoy you that you do the traveling, they never come to you, go every other year.
Again,just yourself is still valuable, if it comes to that.

I am fine with traveling, it is easier for me than hosting.
I would like the kids to have a relationship if possible; was just wondering how to do this without experiencing too much judgement (or rather, without seeing SIL become too stressed).

Hey, literally every language I know has some equivalent of "When in Rome, do as Romans do." I'm sure your native language has a way of imparting the same wisdom. If your kid has a tough time conforming to another home's rules 24/7, stay in the hotel and visit for manageable periods of time. No, you don't get to show up, let your kid do as he pleases and not be judged. Either be okay with being judged or ask your kid to speak the damn language. It will only do him good. No worries, he won't lose any English because of it.

You want "middle ground" advice but there is no middle ground on cursing. People are trying to tell you that. You were obviously raised differently from your DH and his family and it is causing a clash of values. Up your game a bit and work on the manners. It's an awful feeling for a kid (your kid) to be caught in the middle of a clash of values. He will spend time as he gets older with other families (his girlfriend's family; college roommate, etc), and he will realize that his mom was socially clueless and ill-mannered. You aren't going to change. I'm not sure why you even posted this.

I am a new poster and I strongly urge you to leave the iPad at home. It is not good for kids to be dependent on technology even if it is for 1 h a day. He should be able to do without it. Does he read books? Too much technology time makes it difficult for kids to develop good reading habits. If he is an introvert, books should be a wonderful escape for him. Also, you seem to be overly sensitive about your SIL judging you. If you are confident in your parenting, it should not bother you what others think. I love my sister and my nephews and enjoy their visits but still get irritated as hell with them sometimes. No big deal though. We all still visit each other and mostly have fun together.

Anonymous wrote:If you can "sense the uneasiness" to your son's behavior then you stop that behavior. Period.

What if behavior seems normal to me? (not cursing; the ipad is what I am talking about. And speaking English.)

Anonymous wrote:You've been told over & over by a variety of PPs to not bring iPad and to stop the cursing. Yet you continue to excuse and defend bad behavior. You can parent however you want at home, but you must respect your host family when you visit.

If your kid is generally unwilling to use your native language and only using it to drop f-bombs, it would imply that someone (you, husband, caretaker?) is likely swearing freely at home and that no one has tried to limit that. That would definitely make me judge you.

You don't say how old your kid is, but I'm guessing elementary school or younger. The swearing only gets worse with time as kids become more influenced by their peers and society at large, so you'd be advised to curb it now. 23:42 is spot on.

Look, I heard you and other PPs who said that. There are other points of view as well on this thread. I know people like you and I would never stay at their house with my child, too much stress for everyone. I am looking for more middle ground advice so to speak. Thank you anyway.

Anonymous wrote:If being around cousins is stressful for your child, I would stop the visits. We also speak another language at home and I am being pretty adamant about not using English - it's really hard to raise a bilingual child when all they hear is English. When my nephews visit us, I talk to them my native language only (they understand), even if they respond in English. When we visit them, I switch to English as that is what they do at their house.

Well, they don't correct my child. But SIL corrects theirs (my brother - not so much). they don't say anything but I think they are thinking that my son is the reason because they start speaking English...
What stresses my son is not being around cousins per se, it's the amount of time. So I think I will structure the visits a bit differently.

You've been told over & over by a variety of PPs to not bring iPad and to stop the cursing. Yet you continue to excuse and defend bad behavior. You can parent however you want at home, but you must respect your host family when you visit.

If your kid is generally unwilling to use your native language and only using it to drop f-bombs, it would imply that someone (you, husband, caretaker?) is likely swearing freely at home and that no one has tried to limit that. That would definitely make me judge you.

You don't say how old your kid is, but I'm guessing elementary school or younger. The swearing only gets worse with time as kids become more influenced by their peers and society at large, so you'd be advised to curb it now. 23:42 is spot on.

If being around cousins is stressful for your child, I would stop the visits. We also speak another language at home and I am being pretty adamant about not using English - it's really hard to raise a bilingual child when all they hear is English. When my nephews visit us, I talk to them my native language only (they understand), even if they respond in English. When we visit them, I switch to English as that is what they do at their house.

If you can "sense the uneasiness" to your son's behavior then you stop that behavior. Period.

Yes, my kids are young adults. And I am 49 years old. So probably not too much older than you. My family has BOTH technology and good manners. They aren't mutually exclusive. You don't need to take his iPad away when he is at home. That's up to you. But try going on a visit without it and I'm guessing things will be better with his cousins. It sounds like you have a hard time saying no to your son. Be the adult and work on manners. Sounds like you have gotten similar real-life feedback from at least one other parent besides your SIL. It's hard to take an honest look at ourselves and our kids. But you knew something was wrong which is why you posted.

There is a girl in my community who is like your son. (She is also an only child.) She became increasingly spoiled and inflexible as she grew older. Other parents tired of her first and rarely had her over. Eventually, by high school, other students did too and she became isolated. She had constant roommate issues in college and eventually moved back home. Her parents never said no and never encouraged manners with her as she was growing up. Her mom is the kindest, most polite, loveliest person, but she raised a daughter who is the opposite and is now a very isolated young adult. She did her no favors. You are doing your son no favors. It doesn't matter to me AT ALL what you decide to do, but I've been around long enough to see that this isn't going to turn out well. Set the limits now.

FWIW, 90% of my friends who have one child have an amazing and unspoiled kid. The trajectory you are on doesn't have to happen just because he is an only.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back again: there is no explicit rule of no ipad. they do have one, it just doesn't have many games on it. They kind of put up with it during our visits but I can sense the uneasiness. Still they invite us, it's very kind of them.
There is also another side to the story... SIL's family is allowed to visit and spend time whenever they want and they are not corrected in their ways.

Do SIL's relatives curse and use ipads?

There are other issues not relevant to this thread. Some of them have to do with child safety.

Anonymous wrote:Again, you keep coming up with reasons that your son needs an iPad with him. You are defensive instead of looking at why you and your family have such poor manners and such an attachment to technology. Your son can play these games at home. It's really just poor manners to bring an IPAD with you on a visit to a family where they are deliberately teaching their kids to socialize without technology. Does your son have some special needs that prevent him from socializing without using technology? Does he have any other interests? I understand he gets stressed easily, but can you think of alternative ways for him to cope without using the iPad as a crutch? I am trying to help you understand that you and your son are difficult guests and it comes down to basic manners. You seem to have a hard time understanding social mores. I'm guessing this is not the only place where your family has had a difficult time complying with and understanding basic etiquette. Please work on it. The world is not an easy place and most people will write you off instead of being as patient as your SIL.

The language issue needs to be addressed. Cursing is rude and should not be tolerated. Figure out who is cursing in your son's life and ask them to stop
. I'm guessing your son's native language skills aren't as good as his cousins so that's why he wants to use English. That's totally fine, but you need to explain that to your SIL honestly.

---- my three kids are young adults since you asked.

Ok, thanks for replying. Just as I thought - you are older and your kids are older, too. You are entitled to your own opinions of course. I am sure if you were the host, you would make it known that you don't want us around. So there wouldn't be a question. I know someone very similar to you and she has invited me and child and I always opted out. I am talking about a less clear cut situation.
As for the ipad. I don't know why you see it as a crutch. It is part of my son's life. He wants to share it with his cousins. It's not like they are playing all day. But it still seems to create stress for SIL, I realize it and feel uncomfortable, too. I am looking for ways to mitigate it. Honestly, I don't think an hour of ipad is damaging my son, so no, I don't want to take it away.

Anonymous wrote:OP back again: there is no explicit rule of no ipad. they do have one, it just doesn't have many games on it. They kind of put up with it during our visits but I can sense the uneasiness. Still they invite us, it's very kind of them.
There is also another side to the story... SIL's family is allowed to visit and spend time whenever they want and they are not corrected in their ways.

Do SIL's relatives curse and use ipads?

Again, you keep coming up with reasons that your son needs an iPad with him. You are defensive instead of looking at why you and your family have such poor manners and such an attachment to technology. Your son can play these games at home. It's really just poor manners to bring an IPAD with you on a visit to a family where they are deliberately teaching their kids to socialize without technology. Does your son have some special needs that prevent him from socializing without using technology? Does he have any other interests? I understand he gets stressed easily, but can you think of alternative ways for him to cope without using the iPad as a crutch? I am trying to help you understand that you and your son are difficult guests and it comes down to basic manners. You seem to have a hard time understanding social mores. I'm guessing this is not the only place where your family has had a difficult time complying with and understanding basic etiquette. Please work on it. The world is not an easy place and most people will write you off instead of being as patient as your SIL.

The language issue needs to be addressed. Cursing is rude and should not be tolerated. Figure out who is cursing in your son's life and ask them to stop
. I'm guessing your son's native language skills aren't as good as his cousins so that's why he wants to use English. That's totally fine, but you need to explain that to your SIL honestly.

---- my three kids are young adults since you asked.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is ALL about manners. Please read some books about etiquette and hosting/guest situations. If you did not learn good manners from your parents, at least educate yourself now. Then model proper manners for your son. He sounds spoiled and you sound unwilling to compromise and to leave the iPad and cursing at home. See if your son can do a visit without the crutch of an IPAD as a way to socialize.

Just curious, how old are your kids? and do they ever play videogames or use an ipad in other ways?

Many kids, mine included, don't even have their own electronics, and are told from an early age not to use certain words, how to sit at a table, etc, etc. Not PP you were asking, but I wanted to chime in that well-behaved children are not an impossible dream. It takes consistency, that's all.