Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there's some weird hater on here giving you a hard time- ignore that person.

Here's my advice, though- you say you have siblings. Is it possible to assign someone to deal with her? That is, have someone who sits with her, who runs interference, who prevents her from getting to you?

Is she this way to your siblings? Is she different with you? Is this just how she is and for whatever reason your siblings cope with it in different ways?

I have no experienced anything like what you have posted, so take my advice for what it's worth. But for your family, maybe having her there (with several people in charge of keeping her away from you) might be worth it. tYes, she'd be in some pictures. But you can tell the photographer ahead of time about the issues and a skilled photographer will work to make her feel included while actually excluding her from some photos.

I had a tough experience with my MIL before the wedding. Several of my husband's friends knew, and simply ran interference whenever she was headed my way - they'd swoop in and take her to dance or distract her. It was awesome of them.

OP Here- My siblings are both in high school so I'd hate putting them in charge of something like that. My dad knows how I feel towards my mom so I could probably ask him to do his best to keep her away and keep her as "normal" as possible during our wedding. No, she's not like this with my siblings at all. My brother is her "baby" as it's her only boy so he can do no wrong in her eyes. My sister pretty much took the place of me and is the daughter she always wanted and she makes that very clear. My sister can also do no wrong in her eyes and gets away with everything. For example- when I was 17, I got my cartilage peirced (top part of my ear). When she saw it, she called me a whore and a bunch of other nasty names and let me know how trashy it was. When my sister turned 15, she wanted it done and my mom happily took her. When I was 16, I came home from the movies with eyeliner on and my mom literally dragged me to the bathroom and scrubbed my face. My sister has been wearing makeup since she was 13 and my mom constantly takes her to Sephora to stock up......so you can see where I am coming from?

That your mom isn't perfect? You seem incredibly judgemental.

OP - is this you in the "When did you realize that you didn't like your mom (or dad)?" thread? If so, in this thread are you talking about your dad or your stepdad?

"I'm 28 and my mom and I have not had a good relationship since I was probably 14. She was extremely emotionally and physically abusive. She would scream at me, throw things at me, hit/punch me all over my body, etc. Granted I would scream back but the things she did were way past the extreme. I resented her and would spend almost every weekend at my friends house whos mom was amazing and I would wish she was my mom. I moved out of the house when I was 20 and it was the best decision ever. We started to have an okay relationship once I moved out but it was mostly her using me and only being nice when she needed things from me- picking my younger siblings up from school, grabbing something from the grocery store, house sitting when they'd go away, etc. We had a huge falling out this past Summer after she said horrible things to me and I didn't talk to her for months. I let it go for the holidays so that I could see my step dad and siblings but now that Christmas is gone, I have probably talked to her 3 times? She is just a nasty person who looks down at anyone who isn't as "good" as her. I've struggled with my weight since I was in high school and that was her number 1 issue with me. She couldnt' handle having a chubby kid and constantly called me a fat ass, told me I had to go to the gym or she would ground me, constantly commented on what I ate or drank, etc. She hated that I wasn't super skinny becuase it didn't fit into the lifestyle that she has. Her big fancy house, mercedes, high power job, etc. Now that I'm 28, I just don't deal with her. It took a year of therapy for me to realize that I don't NEED to have my mom in my life just because she's my mother."

Anonymous wrote:OP- wait, your parents are married? You mom was abusive to her and your dad stayed married to her? Why are you okay having a relationship with your dad when he didn't stick up for you?

+1

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Include her or not, but just so you know, traditionally, the mother of the bride doesn't pay for weddings and people aren't supposed to say "Congratulations" to the bride. Don't ask me where the second thing came from, it's just been around a long time. I wouldn't fault her on those things.

You don't say congrats but you do wish her well, happiness or whatever.

Your mom raised you. Please don't the take the money if you don't intend to invite her. That is just so mean and cold.

Elope. That's the only way you can really keep her out of it. Or tell your dad you don't want the money and give it back. As long as their money is involved, she has to be invited. Sorry. You can always try asking dad if you can use the money toward a house down payment instead but really you should give it back and elope. I totally understand where you're coming from and not wanting certain family members there though.

NP with a few thoughts. Your mom sounds like a narcissist. You need to develop strong boundaries. Cutting her off completely (the effect of excluding her from wedding) could damage or end the relationship with your dad. If you are ready for that, pay for the wedding yourself and don't invite her but if you don't want to risk that then invite her and your dad to wedding and tell dad to stick close to her and keep her away from you as much as possible. If your parents are still married and live together, she will influence your dad after the wedding and by not inviting her you'll be giving her fuel to start a fire with. It's not fair but you need to work with the hand you've been dealt.

Read about narcissistic mom's and learn what their weaknesses are and how to manage them. The usual strategies won't work because narcissistic people feed off the pain they cause. She'll continue to cause you pain by manipulating your dad if you cut her off completely, unless you actually learn how to handle her, a big part of which is establishing boundaries and not playing into their dramas.

Anonymous wrote:In this day and age of working women, parents are not expected to pay for wedding. Also, earlier PP noted, it is very bad form to offer congratulations to the bride. One only congratulates the groom and one tells the bride, "best wishes."

You need a course in etiquette 101.

lol so if your daughter gets engaged, you just don't say a word to her at all about it and pretend it didn't happen?

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Include her or not, but just so you know, traditionally, the mother of the bride doesn't pay for weddings and people aren't supposed to say "Congratulations" to the bride. Don't ask me where the second thing came from, it's just been around a long time. I wouldn't fault her on those things.

"Congratulations" was for the man who fought for and won the bride. "Best wishes" was for the bride who was the prize and was passive in the process.

In this day and age of working women, parents are not expected to pay for wedding. Also, earlier PP noted, it is very bad form to offer congratulations to the bride. One only congratulates the groom and one tells the bride, "best wishes."

You need a course in etiquette 101.

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you need some serious help.

Lol mom?

OP, my wedding was the last time I saw my abusive mom and I wish I had gone no-contact earlier. We had a small wedding (25 guests), and she was a mess at the reception because she was not the center of attention. She swore up and down that she was going to be on her best behavior but I should have known better. I did not want to involve her in helping (my best girl friends helped me get ready),but she bullied her way into picking up the cupcakes and threw a temper tantrum about the lack of street parking (we paid for garage parking for our guests a block from the restaurant).

It will be two years this summer since going no contact and it has made my life so much calmer. I didn't really deal with my childhood issues until I was able to get some distance and begin healing. I've mourned the loving, caring mother I wish I had, and put the time in in therapy to make sure I don't become my mother.

Wow, you need some serious help.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Include her or not, but just so you know, traditionally, the mother of the bride doesn't pay for weddings and people aren't supposed to say "Congratulations" to the bride. Don't ask me where the second thing came from, it's just been around a long time. I wouldn't fault her on those things.

OP Here- I'm confused by your comments. Out of everyone I know that has gotten married, it's been the brides parents that have paid for it. My best friend is in the process of planning her June wedding right now and her family is covering the whole thing besides the rehersal which her fiances family is paying for. Is that not common?

Also, I wasn't expecting her to make a huge deal about our engagment but she never said a word about it. My dad was the first person I told and he was THRILLED and said how happy he was for us...same as all of the rest of my family. She just never said a thing about it or acknowledged it. But again, I never expected anything from her because this is the type of person she is towards me.

OP, are you from a different culture? Because while sometimes parents will help pay for a wedding, it is not their responsibility. And if you DO accept their money, you cannot not have your mom there. That's not how it works. Either be an adult, and pay for your own wedding, and determine who will be there because you want them there, or continue being a child and having your parents do everything. But you don't get to exclude them when they are paying for it. You sound ridiculous, entitled, and spoiled as hell. I had a physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally abusive mother, and I know that because I don't want her at my wedding, I will pay for it myself. Even if it means not having the fairy tale wedding everyone dreams of, it'll be something that works for my budget, and I'll determine the guest list as a result.

OP here- No, I'm not from a different culture and I can promise you I am not spoiled or entitled. I never once said that I expected them to pay or that I thought it was their responsiblity...all I said was that every single one of my friends who have gotten married, the brides parents paid for the whole wedding. My fiance and I did not ask my parents to pay for anything. We had every intention of paying for our wedding ourselves but my dad reached out to us shortly after we got engaged and told me that he would like to contribute $10k to the wedding. We expected to pay a lot extra but since we are having such a small/casual wedding, it's coming to around $10k all in. As I mentioned above, we told my dad that we'd rather pay for it and not have her there and he insisted that we must let him contribute what he wants.

He can't force you to take his money. If you really want to cut the strings, you'll have to decline the gift. I'm sorry, I know it sucks, and you shouldn't be in this situation, but here you are. Best way forward, as I see it, is to tell your dad "thanks, but we can't accept your money," and pay for the wedding yourself. That way, you can truly decide, freely, whether you want your mom there.

+1 You don't have to let your dad contribute. If you do, understand that the cost of accepting the money is having your mother there.

+100. This. You can't take the money and not invite her.
What role did your father play in the abuse? Was he enabling it by never intervening and telling you to suck it up? If so - you don't have to suck it up no more. Yes, it's a big wad of cash, but your dignity and independence cost a lot more than that. Don't let her poison your day.

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Include her or not, but just so you know, traditionally, the mother of the bride doesn't pay for weddings and people aren't supposed to say "Congratulations" to the bride. Don't ask me where the second thing came from, it's just been around a long time. I wouldn't fault her on those things.

My mom told me you say "Congrats" to the GROOM because he got such a great girl to agree with him, but "Good luck!" to the BRIDE because she's going to need it, putting up with the guy.

OP, I think that you will have to hear about it (as will your father and younger siblings) for YEARS if you don't invite her. You'll also be humiliating her in front of at least 25 people who are coming to your wedding and will notice her absence. Someone was in labor at my wedding, someone else had appendicitis (I don't know how he wasn't curled on the floor) through the ceremony, and my 88 yr old grandma had a cold and all three still came. So nobody will believe she was sick or something.

50 people is a big enough group that your interactions with her will be diluted. I think you should invite her. Tell your bridesmaids to keep her distracted and away from you as much as possible. If she starts to get critical say "Mom, I don't want to hear it. This is my wedding and it's a great day." AND THEN WALK AWAY.