Anonymous
03/08/2017 15:45
Subject: She bad mouthed me to my husband and he's angry and weirded out
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Unless you did something illegal, I don't see why he should be that bothered by stuff that you did before you even met him. If he religious, from a conservative ethnic background?
No, hes's not religious at all.
As far as conservative, he's not politically, no. As far as the bedroom, I'm pretty sure he's not as experienced as i am
Based on a couple of your responses I would say that he just might be intimidated and feeling inadequate. Could he be judgmental and/or reacting to the the image of you that HE painted in his own mind? Sure. But men have insecurities just as women do and in this case he just might be wondering how you could be happy with him in the bedroom since you spent some time in the sexual romper room before you met.
Anonymous
03/08/2017 14:43
Subject: Re:She bad mouthed me to my husband and he's angry and weirded out
If I had a falling out with a former friend, and she contacted my husband to trash me, he wouldn't have listened to a single word out of her nutjob mouth. I'm surprised he even heard her out. You all sound nuts.
Anonymous
03/08/2017 14:39
Subject: She bad mouthed me to my husband and he's angry and weirded out
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You should have denied it all.
+1
Never disclosed all of your business to a man. Some men can't handle the sexual history of women. Many are intimidated by more experienced women. Even the most liberal and open minded man will get his ego crushed if you disclosed certain information to him. Unfortunately, there is still a double standard in society regarding women and sex. Keep your past in the past. It serves no good to share your past with others including your women friends. Quite a few Americans in general are very prudish and close-minded when it comes to all things regarding the sexuality of women. Don't ever mistake that a woman friend has your best interests in heart when you disclosed personal sexual information about yourself. They will always used it to their advantage to sabotage you. Lesson learned keep your business to yourself always. However, your husband sounds insecure or maybe jealous that you're more experienced than him. Some men like to think that they have the upper hand in the sexual department.
OK but for those men, they should be able to make a fully informed choice before making a lifelong commitment. Many men would decline to make such a commitment to a woman with an "adventurous" sexual history and so it's their right to know beforehand.
Whether or not a woman wants to factor that into her sex life (that a future mate may pass) is entirely up to her. Risk - reward.
+1
People have a right to make a choice for themselves - which can't happen if the other person isn't honest. It's not a boundary issue - and it's easy to say one shouldn't care about X, Y, and Z. But, the reality is, each person has a right to make that decision for themselves. You should have told him about your past so that he can make a decision that is best for his life.
No one wants to feel like they married person A and come to find out, they are person B.
Anonymous
03/08/2017 14:30
Subject: She bad mouthed me to my husband and he's angry and weirded out
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You should have denied it all.
+1
Never disclosed all of your business to a man. Some men can't handle the sexual history of women. Many are intimidated by more experienced women. Even the most liberal and open minded man will get his ego crushed if you disclosed certain information to him. Unfortunately, there is still a double standard in society regarding women and sex. Keep your past in the past. It serves no good to share your past with others including your women friends. Quite a few Americans in general are very prudish and close-minded when it comes to all things regarding the sexuality of women. Don't ever mistake that a woman friend has your best interests in heart when you disclosed personal sexual information about yourself. They will always used it to their advantage to sabotage you. Lesson learned keep your business to yourself always. However, your husband sounds insecure or maybe jealous that you're more experienced than him. Some men like to think that they have the upper hand in the sexual department.
OK but for those men, they should be able to make a fully informed choice before making a lifelong commitment. Many men would decline to make such a commitment to a woman with an "adventurous" sexual history and so it's their right to know beforehand.
Whether or not a woman wants to factor that into her sex life (that a future mate may pass) is entirely up to her. Risk - reward.
Anonymous
03/08/2017 14:26
Subject: Re:She bad mouthed me to my husband and he's angry and weirded out
I am a man, and I'd prefer to know, and for my DW to tell me. I understand that boundaries change. I'd also like to be honest with her about my past, but cautiously.
As for the DW's friend....she might be someone who dislikes hypocrites. She saw the current DW being goody-goody and disliked the hypocrisy.
As for the DW's friend....she might be someone who dislikes hypocrites. She saw the current DW being goody-goody and disliked the hypocrisy.
Anonymous
03/08/2017 14:24
Subject: Re:She bad mouthed me to my husband and he's angry and weirded out
Sleeping around and exchanging body fluids is a very unsafe practice. It's not about being American and a prude. It's a reality.
He may be shocked at the extent, and how that awful woman presented it.
OP I would try to backtrack somewhat. Tell him this woman embellished quite a bit because she is mad.
He may be shocked at the extent, and how that awful woman presented it.
OP I would try to backtrack somewhat. Tell him this woman embellished quite a bit because she is mad.
Anonymous
03/08/2017 14:21
Subject: She bad mouthed me to my husband and he's angry and weirded out
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You should have denied it all.
+1
Never disclosed all of your business to a man. Some men can't handle the sexual history of women. Many are intimidated by more experienced women. Even the most liberal and open minded man will get his ego crushed if you disclosed certain information to him. Unfortunately, there is still a double standard in society regarding women and sex. Keep your past in the past. It serves no good to share your past with others including your women friends. Quite a few Americans in general are very prudish and close-minded when it comes to all things regarding the sexuality of women. Don't ever mistake that a woman friend has your best interests in heart when you disclosed personal sexual information about yourself. They will always used it to their advantage to sabotage you. Lesson learned keep your business to yourself always. However, your husband sounds insecure or maybe jealous that you're more experienced than him. Some men like to think that they have the upper hand in the sexual department.
Excellent post. I want to add that many people do not respect someone who sleeps around. Male or female. It can translate as a lack of judgement, or the other partner may fear getting a undiagnosed STD in the future. I suspect her husband though she was a little smarter, and I'll bet this woman exaggerated things.
Basically never tell too much, people can and will use it against you. I've told things I wished I never did, people will bring it up years later. Be smart.
Anonymous
03/08/2017 12:42
Subject: Re:She bad mouthed me to my husband and he's angry and weirded out
Anonymous wrote:
This thread has gone about the way I thought it would. Women talking about "it is not his business" and "agency" and all that. OP, you really need to understand a man's perspective if you want to resolve this. In this regard, the women's advice is not helpful because none of them have mastered thinking "like a man." And when I say that, I am talking about the discounting of the male ego.
Deep down, all men know that their wives had histories before them. MOST of us do not want to know the nitty gritty because we do not want the image in our heads. So, yea telling your DH that you were regrettably wild in your younger days is a good idea - telling him that you took two men at once is not. The hardest thing that I had to deal with in that regard was that DW had sex with a good friend of mine before we dated. She should have told me and I am glad she did, but it took a long time to get that image out of my head. Illogical I know, but ego is often illogical. What your friend did was give details that he can visualize. Give him time and do not force the issue. Hell, he probably did some of the same things and he will come around. He does not WANT to be mad - his mind is just playing tricks on him right now.
Also, to all women out there please do NOT tell your DH that you will not do something sexually with them that you previously did to someone else because "I did not care about them but I care about you so I won't do that anymore." Men cannot process that. A better way to go is "I did that when I was in a bad place and I felt degraded after I did it - I never want to feel that way again."
+1
This is one of the best posts I have read on DCUM ever.
Anonymous
03/08/2017 12:04
Subject: Re:She bad mouthed me to my husband and he's angry and weirded out
Anonymous wrote:
This thread has gone about the way I thought it would. Women talking about "it is not his business" and "agency" and all that. OP, you really need to understand a man's perspective if you want to resolve this. In this regard, the women's advice is not helpful because none of them have mastered thinking "like a man." And when I say that, I am talking about the discounting of the male ego.
Deep down, all men know that their wives had histories before them. MOST of us do not want to know the nitty gritty because we do not want the image in our heads. So, yea telling your DH that you were regrettably wild in your younger days is a good idea - telling him that you took two men at once is not. The hardest thing that I had to deal with in that regard was that DW had sex with a good friend of mine before we dated. She should have told me and I am glad she did, but it took a long time to get that image out of my head. Illogical I know, but ego is often illogical. What your friend did was give details that he can visualize. Give him time and do not force the issue. Hell, he probably did some of the same things and he will come around. He does not WANT to be mad - his mind is just playing tricks on him right now.
Also, to all women out there please do NOT tell your DH that you will not do something sexually with them that you previously did to someone else because "I did not care about them but I care about you so I won't do that anymore." Men cannot process that. A better way to go is "I did that when I was in a bad place and I felt degraded after I did it - I never want to feel that way again."
This x 1000.
Men don't associate those acts with degradation and low self-esteem. They see them as "hot" and "adventurous," and he's feeling hurt that you don't want to be adventurous with him.
You need to flip the script and tell him that doing those things made you feel worthless. That you disrespected yourself and never want to associate those bad feelings with your DH. Guys will understand and respect that. But you need to be clear and explicit with your feelings, you can't be opaque and just hope that he figures it out.
Anonymous
03/08/2017 10:27
Subject: She bad mouthed me to my husband and he's angry and weirded out
Anonymous wrote:You should have denied it all.
+1
Never disclosed all of your business to a man. Some men can't handle the sexual history of women. Many are intimidated by more experienced women. Even the most liberal and open minded man will get his ego crushed if you disclosed certain information to him. Unfortunately, there is still a double standard in society regarding women and sex. Keep your past in the past. It serves no good to share your past with others including your women friends. Quite a few Americans in general are very prudish and close-minded when it comes to all things regarding the sexuality of women. Don't ever mistake that a woman friend has your best interests in heart when you disclosed personal sexual information about yourself. They will always used it to their advantage to sabotage you. Lesson learned keep your business to yourself always. However, your husband sounds insecure or maybe jealous that you're more experienced than him. Some men like to think that they have the upper hand in the sexual department.
Anonymous
03/08/2017 10:26
Subject: Re:She bad mouthed me to my husband and he's angry and weirded out
This thread has gone about the way I thought it would. Women talking about "it is not his business" and "agency" and all that. OP, you really need to understand a man's perspective if you want to resolve this. In this regard, the women's advice is not helpful because none of them have mastered thinking "like a man." And when I say that, I am talking about the discounting of the male ego.
Deep down, all men know that their wives had histories before them. MOST of us do not want to know the nitty gritty because we do not want the image in our heads. So, yea telling your DH that you were regrettably wild in your younger days is a good idea - telling him that you took two men at once is not. The hardest thing that I had to deal with in that regard was that DW had sex with a good friend of mine before we dated. She should have told me and I am glad she did, but it took a long time to get that image out of my head. Illogical I know, but ego is often illogical. What your friend did was give details that he can visualize. Give him time and do not force the issue. Hell, he probably did some of the same things and he will come around. He does not WANT to be mad - his mind is just playing tricks on him right now.
Also, to all women out there please do NOT tell your DH that you will not do something sexually with them that you previously did to someone else because "I did not care about them but I care about you so I won't do that anymore." Men cannot process that. A better way to go is "I did that when I was in a bad place and I felt degraded after I did it - I never want to feel that way again."
Anonymous
03/08/2017 09:53
Subject: She bad mouthed me to my husband and he's angry and weirded out
Anonymous wrote:He'll come around. Drop the friend. I had to drop two female friends in the first year of my marriage. One randomly baked and sent my husband (but not me!) cookies and other goodies and the other flattered my husband constantly in front of me, and also talked about how much better he was at various things (driving, cooking, interior design) than I was. I had been great friends with both for years until I got married. Not sure why this happens, but it sometimes does.
Good that you got rid of your baker friend. I just can't see any of my friends bringing cookies and banana bread on a regular basis to my husband. Wait-was she hand-delivering these, naked under the trench coat?
How'd you get her to stop?
Anonymous
03/08/2017 09:37
Subject: Re:She bad mouthed me to my husband and he's angry and weirded out
Anonymous wrote:ZachF wrote:Anonymous wrote:
I totally get that. The way he found out was really *hitty I know.
He's also upset that i did what he views as stuff that doesn't interest me in doing with him which he takes as a sort of insult or something. Anyway this has just spiralled
Yeah, this has gone from bad to worse. Now he has the image of you doing those things your "friend" may have graphically described, with the knowledge that, while you were fine with doing those things with past guys who now mean nothing, you aren't willing to gift those same things to your husband. THAT is shitty and begs the question, why not?
You know the thing is that I HAVE told him that ALL the guys before him meant nothing and that's why it was possible that I got into certain stuff. With hubby I knew he was different in all good ways and I wanted to make sure that we started something real and meaningful - which we did. It's not like I don't love or care about him - I absolutely do! But I get that he feels humiliated to find out and figures everybody knows (even though everybody doesn't know). I need to convince him of that
I hope you both make sure this woman is out of your lives in every way. My past was boring, BUT it's no one's business including a current parent. Other than being married before, the sex stuff isn't anyone's business because it was before him. Your big mistake was admitting it, and confiding in this horrible woman. Lesson hopefully learned, keep you sex stuff to yourself. I've learned you have to be very careful about "friends" and letting them into your circle.
I hope you didn't use the expression to your husband..."all the guys". That doesn't look good.
Anonymous
03/08/2017 09:21
Subject: She bad mouthed me to my husband and he's angry and weirded out
Admit it, OP, you're just using your husband to fill your non-sexual needs until you start getting bored sexually. Then it'll be affair after affair, won't it?
You have the Madonna-whore complex or whatever it's called for women who think sex with their husband (especially after becoming a dad) is icky.
You have the Madonna-whore complex or whatever it's called for women who think sex with their husband (especially after becoming a dad) is icky.
Anonymous
03/08/2017 08:42
Subject: Re:She bad mouthed me to my husband and he's angry and weirded out
Anonymous wrote:ZachF wrote:Anonymous wrote:
I totally get that. The way he found out was really *hitty I know.
He's also upset that i did what he views as stuff that doesn't interest me in doing with him which he takes as a sort of insult or something. Anyway this has just spiralled
Yeah, this has gone from bad to worse. Now he has the image of you doing those things your "friend" may have graphically described, with the knowledge that, while you were fine with doing those things with past guys who now mean nothing, you aren't willing to gift those same things to your husband. THAT is shitty and begs the question, why not?
You know the thing is that I HAVE told him that ALL the guys before him meant nothing and that's why it was possible that I got into certain stuff. With hubby I knew he was different in all good ways and I wanted to make sure that we started something real and meaningful - which we did. It's not like I don't love or care about him - I absolutely do! But I get that he feels humiliated to find out and figures everybody knows (even though everybody doesn't know). I need to convince him of that
I've been in a situation like this with my DW. She was "adventurous" before we met. She was the one doing all the talking though. While I admit sometimes it was hot hearing about some of the things she did, if we were fooling around, she had no interest in doing these experiences with me. At first she promised that she would, if I said we should try that sometime. Then she flat out refused and later said she disliked sex (after marriage). So as a guy even if it meant nothing to you. We look at it and think if I mean so much to you, why would you not want to do some of these things with me?