mshakespeare wrote:
Not to be a dick - but based on pure dimensions - I am thinking of several positions you should be able to accommodate - without getting crushed to death anyways...

NOT that, this is the most important issue here - his health is - but - just sayin.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

mshakespeare wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't he have normal sex? I am his size( a woman). I never feel limited during sex. You won't see my big ass hanging for a chandelier but other than that.

He would crush me - I am about 150 pounds (5'10").

Without getting explicit, do you believe only missionary is normal?

No, but currently we can only manage one position.

Not to be a dick - but based on pure dimensions - I am thinking of several positions you should be able to accommodate - without getting crushed to death anyways...

NOT that, this is the most important issue here - his health is - but - just sayin.

health, yada yada yada,

He probably also has a large fat pad in the way, making his penis seem smaller, and some positions might just not happen or be satisfying. Just throwing it out there.

yes, in men for about every 40 pounds of fat, you lose an inch. It doesn't take long for that to become an issue.

Anonymous wrote:

mshakespeare wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'm a good but healthy cook and if we were eating the same stuff I'm pretty sure he'd lose weight.

This is mythical thinking. He is not obese because he does't have access to healthy food. He is obese for other reasons, both psychological and physical (once you're obese its not just metabolism but gut bacteria that changes). If he has not lost weight for his daughter, he will not for you. And he has not for himself.

I see only way way this is going to work: surgery, therapy AND a commitment to a healthy lifestyle after. Yes, its an ultimatum, but honestly if he is morbidly obese but willing to lose the woman he loves and risk his own life and leaving his daughter in order to hold onto his weight, then his problems are deeper than you want to acknowledge and you should probably not marry him.

OP here - I agree with you. The medication has been a large part of the problem weight-wise I think, although he has never been slim. He has a large frame (think tall, meaty linebacker). He sees a psychiatrist every few months to check his meds, but he is not in any kind of therapy and I think that's what he needs. I also think he needs a PCP who can coordinate all the things he needs - help figure out medications that work that do not cause weight gain, and help us figure out a plan (whether we try to do it ourselves with the help of a nutritionist, or go the bariatric surgery route). It is hard to get him to go to the doctor.

I'm not an ultimatum kind of person and I would probably stick with him for as long as he has, but it makes me extraordinarily sad that our time together will likely be cut short. He is the love of my life. Once a month I cry about this, but then we have wonderful times together in every way. So I'm just stuck.

OP - when you say morbidly obese - what is his body fat percentage? Height? Do NOT use BMI as an indicator - it is not accurate.

Also - he may need therapy - you mention that he uses food as a coping mechanism for some depression issues...

You need to treat him like any other addict - fortunately - he chose food instead of drugs or alcohol - but it can be just as unhealthy - without the other issues associated with drugs and alcohol.

That is how you should approach this...

Do you want to live your life with an addict and have to go through the process of having him overcome his addiction? Do you believe you can support him through this? Do you believe that he will even try?

He is my best friend and I would not abandon him unless he was not treating me well. He is a wonderful person and makes my life richer in every way. Even if he never changes, I would treasure the time I had with him.

He is about 6'2" and at least 350 pounds - so BMI seems to be at least 44.9.

Anonymous wrote:

mshakespeare wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't he have normal sex? I am his size( a woman). I never feel limited during sex. You won't see my big ass hanging for a chandelier but other than that.

He would crush me - I am about 150 pounds (5'10").

Without getting explicit, do you believe only missionary is normal?

No, but currently we can only manage one position.

Not to be a dick - but based on pure dimensions - I am thinking of several positions you should be able to accommodate - without getting crushed to death anyways...

NOT that, this is the most important issue here - his health is - but - just sayin.

health, yada yada yada,

He probably also has a large fat pad in the way, making his penis seem smaller, and some positions might just not happen or be satisfying. Just throwing it out there.

mshakespeare wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't he have normal sex? I am his size( a woman). I never feel limited during sex. You won't see my big ass hanging for a chandelier but other than that.

He would crush me - I am about 150 pounds (5'10").

Without getting explicit, do you believe only missionary is normal?

No, but currently we can only manage one position.

Not to be a dick - but based on pure dimensions - I am thinking of several positions you should be able to accommodate - without getting crushed to death anyways...

NOT that, this is the most important issue here - his health is - but - just sayin.

mshakespeare wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'm a good but healthy cook and if we were eating the same stuff I'm pretty sure he'd lose weight.

This is mythical thinking. He is not obese because he does't have access to healthy food. He is obese for other reasons, both psychological and physical (once you're obese its not just metabolism but gut bacteria that changes). If he has not lost weight for his daughter, he will not for you. And he has not for himself.

I see only way way this is going to work: surgery, therapy AND a commitment to a healthy lifestyle after. Yes, its an ultimatum, but honestly if he is morbidly obese but willing to lose the woman he loves and risk his own life and leaving his daughter in order to hold onto his weight, then his problems are deeper than you want to acknowledge and you should probably not marry him.

OP here - I agree with you. The medication has been a large part of the problem weight-wise I think, although he has never been slim. He has a large frame (think tall, meaty linebacker). He sees a psychiatrist every few months to check his meds, but he is not in any kind of therapy and I think that's what he needs. I also think he needs a PCP who can coordinate all the things he needs - help figure out medications that work that do not cause weight gain, and help us figure out a plan (whether we try to do it ourselves with the help of a nutritionist, or go the bariatric surgery route). It is hard to get him to go to the doctor.

I'm not an ultimatum kind of person and I would probably stick with him for as long as he has, but it makes me extraordinarily sad that our time together will likely be cut short. He is the love of my life. Once a month I cry about this, but then we have wonderful times together in every way. So I'm just stuck.

OP - when you say morbidly obese - what is his body fat percentage? Height? Do NOT use BMI as an indicator - it is not accurate.

Also - he may need therapy - you mention that he uses food as a coping mechanism for some depression issues...

You need to treat him like any other addict - fortunately - he chose food instead of drugs or alcohol - but it can be just as unhealthy - without the other issues associated with drugs and alcohol.

That is how you should approach this...

Do you want to live your life with an addict and have to go through the process of having him overcome his addiction? Do you believe you can support him through this? Do you believe that he will even try?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't he have normal sex? I am his size( a woman). I never feel limited during sex. You won't see my big ass hanging for a chandelier but other than that.

He would crush me - I am about 150 pounds (5'10").

Without getting explicit, do you believe only missionary is normal?

No, but currently we can only manage one position.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'm a good but healthy cook and if we were eating the same stuff I'm pretty sure he'd lose weight.

This is mythical thinking. He is not obese because he does't have access to healthy food. He is obese for other reasons, both psychological and physical (once you're obese its not just metabolism but gut bacteria that changes). If he has not lost weight for his daughter, he will not for you. And he has not for himself.

I see only way way this is going to work: surgery, therapy AND a commitment to a healthy lifestyle after. Yes, its an ultimatum, but honestly if he is morbidly obese but willing to lose the woman he loves and risk his own life and leaving his daughter in order to hold onto his weight, then his problems are deeper than you want to acknowledge and you should probably not marry him.

OP here - I agree with you. The medication has been a large part of the problem weight-wise I think, although he has never been slim. He has a large frame (think tall, meaty linebacker). He sees a psychiatrist every few months to check his meds, but he is not in any kind of therapy and I think that's what he needs. I also think he needs a PCP who can coordinate all the things he needs - help figure out medications that work that do not cause weight gain, and help us figure out a plan (whether we try to do it ourselves with the help of a nutritionist, or go the bariatric surgery route). It is hard to get him to go to the doctor.

I'm not an ultimatum kind of person and I would probably stick with him for as long as he has, but it makes me extraordinarily sad that our time together will likely be cut short. He is the love of my life. Once a month I cry about this, but then we have wonderful times together in every way. So I'm just stuck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'm a good but healthy cook and if we were eating the same stuff I'm pretty sure he'd lose weight.

This is mythical thinking. He is not obese because he does't have access to healthy food. He is obese for other reasons, both psychological and physical (once you're obese its not just metabolism but gut bacteria that changes). If he has not lost weight for his daughter, he will not for you. And he has not for himself.

I see only way way this is going to work: surgery, therapy AND a commitment to a healthy lifestyle after. Yes, its an ultimatum, but honestly if he is morbidly obese but willing to lose the woman he loves and risk his own life and leaving his daughter in order to hold onto his weight, then his problems are deeper than you want to acknowledge and you should probably not marry him.

OP here - I agree with you. The medication has been a large part of the problem weight-wise I think, although he has never been slim. He has a large frame (think tall, meaty linebacker). He sees a psychiatrist every few months to check his meds, but he is not in any kind of therapy and I think that's what he needs. I also think he needs a PCP who can coordinate all the things he needs - help figure out medications that work that do not cause weight gain, and help us figure out a plan (whether we try to do it ourselves with the help of a nutritionist, or go the bariatric surgery route). It is hard to get him to go to the doctor.

I'm not an ultimatum kind of person and I would probably stick with him for as long as he has, but it makes me extraordinarily sad that our time together will likely be cut short. He is the love of my life. Once a month I cry about this, but then we have wonderful times together in every way. So I'm just stuck.

Anonymous wrote:I am in love with a man who is amazing, smart, charming, generous, affectionate, funny. We are planning to get married later this year. He's everything I want, except that he's morbidly obese. At least 350 pounds, probably more. I"m normal weight.

He had a very traumatic childhood which probably would have driven many to suicide - so I understand why he eats. We have been dating for quite a while and at the beginning he seemed to be making efforts to diet, but isn't anymore. He is very busy with his work and doesn't really do anything healthy. I'm pretty health-oriented and would probably not date a person who smoked or drank or used drugs regularly.

Sometimes I get angry because he quit smoking for his ex-wife - but I know that these things are apples and oranges since cigarettes aren't necessary for life, but a person can't give up food.

I have brought up my concerns several times about how scared I am that he will have a heart attack, stroke, develop cancer, etc. Since he's in his forties now, it seems to me that these are really legitimate possibilities. He hasn't responded with any kind of concrete actions and that frustrates me. We'll never have a normal sex life and probably will be hit with major medical bills at some point, maybe not too far off.

I can't imagine life without him, but I don't think an ultimatum would work and I don't know how to make him care about his health. Maybe this is just something that people have to live with?

Any thoughts appreciated! Thanks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't he have normal sex? I am his size( a woman). I never feel limited during sex. You won't see my big ass hanging for a chandelier but other than that.

He would crush me - I am about 150 pounds (5'10").

Without getting explicit, do you believe only missionary is normal?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't he have normal sex? I am his size( a woman). I never feel limited during sex. You won't see my big ass hanging for a chandelier but other than that.

He would crush me - I am about 150 pounds (5'10").

Anonymous wrote:

I'm a good but healthy cook and if we were eating the same stuff I'm pretty sure he'd lose weight.

This is mythical thinking. He is not obese because he does't have access to healthy food. He is obese for other reasons, both psychological and physical (once you're obese its not just metabolism but gut bacteria that changes). If he has not lost weight for his daughter, he will not for you. And he has not for himself.

I see only way way this is going to work: surgery, therapy AND a commitment to a healthy lifestyle after. Yes, its an ultimatum, but honestly if he is morbidly obese but willing to lose the woman he loves and risk his own life and leaving his daughter in order to hold onto his weight, then his problems are deeper than you want to acknowledge and you should probably not marry him.

I'm a good but healthy cook and if we were eating the same stuff I'm pretty sure he'd lose weight.