ZachF
03/10/2017 16:53
Subject: Warning people about bad things or mind your business?
If it's a friend, then you behave how friends expect and you tell her, just as you would want her to tell you. But be prepared for what happens next. She sides with the guy, tells him what you told her, he considers you a threat (you are) to his relationship, and you lose her as a friend. Has happened to me and many people, more than once. But still worth it I think.
Anonymous
03/10/2017 10:14
Subject: Re:Warning people about bad things or mind your business?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Either use FB or like med in or snail.mail. say you would want to k ow theses things yourself, give her info so she can make her own conclusions. Make it clear you are acquainted not former lover etc.
OP here - I think I will try and figure out a way to tell her anonymously. Even if I have to make fake FB profile and contact her via that. I would spend my time feeling to guilty if I don't. You make a good point about stressing that not former lover or woman scorned looking for revenge. Just one chick trying to help out another chick
OP, please come back later and tell us what you did in the end, and whether it changed anything. I have read the thread and am frankly concerned for you as well as for this woman. In your position I would want to tell her what I knew, too, but it sounds as if this jerk could trace it to you (you mention that he seems to want to brag about his jerkishness to someone and that it's often you) and that he could make life hell for you at work. If you are in a position where you cannot risk your income, please proceed very carefully. Narcissistic users like him have NO problem victimizing co-workers if they feel those co-workers have betrayed them. I am not saying to stay silent -- I do agree that this woman needs a heads-up (whether she listens to it or not) but if you identify yourself to her, there is every chance that she will run and tell him all about it, especially if she believes all his lies. Send her a letter or hand her a note with your number on it and you may find him coming after you professionally, and fast. A fake FB profile might work but I don't use FB so am not sure; however, just be sure you are untraceable.
Please update us. I agree that you should warn her; I'm just worried that it will be too easy to trace back to you, and since you do not really know her, there is no guarantee that she will not just spill it all right back to him and tell him some coworker of his is telling her X and Y about him.
OP here - I will update on here to let you know what happened. Just had a friend recommend that I type up a note on plain white paper. List the things that she should know about. Not to much detail but just enough for her to question something's like "Do you really know all the details around that ticket he got 2 weeks ago?" That ticket will be listed in his state as him having gotten and public record. "Ask his son how he disciplines him when he isn't around". He has told several other people about the inappropriate way he disciplines his son so that is common knowledge. They said they would help me go over the letter to make sure it doesn't give me away. They are traveling out of the country in a week and will mail it from there. This could work.
I think these examples are too nonspecific. Instead of saying 'ask about' say 'he said this but he did this'. Being specific will help her rule out if it is bs or not... I'm picturing myself getting a weird nonspecific international letter that knew a bit and not a lot... and I would be possibly ignore it, but more probably I'd be amused and bring it up with dh laughing... saying 'isn't this crazy...' thing is, if she does this, I think he will be able to play off that it is a letter full of crazy from some stranger or someone who is 'jealous of his happiness' and she will believe it. Being specific will help remove the veil a little more and she'll have more insight.
Agree
OP here- UPDATE -I did it, I typed up a letter and sent it via a foreign country that a friend was passing through. I know she got it cause he came to work in an absolute rage. He thinks it is his 2nd ex wife that sent it. He told her his fiancé that. Now sitting here watching over the past few days as he concocts more lies to get himself out of the questions she has. She is coming to visit this weekend and wants to talk about it. I did what I could, what happens from here is up to her. I am just glad she didn't disregard it and want to thank the posters who suggested I give more detail so as not to just look like a lunatic. I gave only facts, no conjecture or my opinion or my thoughts on anything, just facts.
Anonymous
02/28/2017 15:56
Subject: Re:Warning people about bad things or mind your business?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Either use FB or like med in or snail.mail. say you would want to k ow theses things yourself, give her info so she can make her own conclusions. Make it clear you are acquainted not former lover etc.
OP here - I think I will try and figure out a way to tell her anonymously. Even if I have to make fake FB profile and contact her via that. I would spend my time feeling to guilty if I don't. You make a good point about stressing that not former lover or woman scorned looking for revenge. Just one chick trying to help out another chick
OP, please come back later and tell us what you did in the end, and whether it changed anything. I have read the thread and am frankly concerned for you as well as for this woman. In your position I would want to tell her what I knew, too, but it sounds as if this jerk could trace it to you (you mention that he seems to want to brag about his jerkishness to someone and that it's often you) and that he could make life hell for you at work. If you are in a position where you cannot risk your income, please proceed very carefully. Narcissistic users like him have NO problem victimizing co-workers if they feel those co-workers have betrayed them. I am not saying to stay silent -- I do agree that this woman needs a heads-up (whether she listens to it or not) but if you identify yourself to her, there is every chance that she will run and tell him all about it, especially if she believes all his lies. Send her a letter or hand her a note with your number on it and you may find him coming after you professionally, and fast. A fake FB profile might work but I don't use FB so am not sure; however, just be sure you are untraceable.
Please update us. I agree that you should warn her; I'm just worried that it will be too easy to trace back to you, and since you do not really know her, there is no guarantee that she will not just spill it all right back to him and tell him some coworker of his is telling her X and Y about him.
OP here - I will update on here to let you know what happened. Just had a friend recommend that I type up a note on plain white paper. List the things that she should know about. Not to much detail but just enough for her to question something's like "Do you really know all the details around that ticket he got 2 weeks ago?" That ticket will be listed in his state as him having gotten and public record. "Ask his son how he disciplines him when he isn't around". He has told several other people about the inappropriate way he disciplines his son so that is common knowledge. They said they would help me go over the letter to make sure it doesn't give me away. They are traveling out of the country in a week and will mail it from there. This could work.
I think these examples are too nonspecific. Instead of saying 'ask about' say 'he said this but he did this'. Being specific will help her rule out if it is bs or not... I'm picturing myself getting a weird nonspecific international letter that knew a bit and not a lot... and I would be possibly ignore it, but more probably I'd be amused and bring it up with dh laughing... saying 'isn't this crazy...' thing is, if she does this, I think he will be able to play off that it is a letter full of crazy from some stranger or someone who is 'jealous of his happiness' and she will believe it. Being specific will help remove the veil a little more and she'll have more insight.
Agree
Anonymous
02/28/2017 15:30
Subject: Re:Warning people about bad things or mind your business?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Either use FB or like med in or snail.mail. say you would want to k ow theses things yourself, give her info so she can make her own conclusions. Make it clear you are acquainted not former lover etc.
OP here - I think I will try and figure out a way to tell her anonymously. Even if I have to make fake FB profile and contact her via that. I would spend my time feeling to guilty if I don't. You make a good point about stressing that not former lover or woman scorned looking for revenge. Just one chick trying to help out another chick
OP, please come back later and tell us what you did in the end, and whether it changed anything. I have read the thread and am frankly concerned for you as well as for this woman. In your position I would want to tell her what I knew, too, but it sounds as if this jerk could trace it to you (you mention that he seems to want to brag about his jerkishness to someone and that it's often you) and that he could make life hell for you at work. If you are in a position where you cannot risk your income, please proceed very carefully. Narcissistic users like him have NO problem victimizing co-workers if they feel those co-workers have betrayed them. I am not saying to stay silent -- I do agree that this woman needs a heads-up (whether she listens to it or not) but if you identify yourself to her, there is every chance that she will run and tell him all about it, especially if she believes all his lies. Send her a letter or hand her a note with your number on it and you may find him coming after you professionally, and fast. A fake FB profile might work but I don't use FB so am not sure; however, just be sure you are untraceable.
Please update us. I agree that you should warn her; I'm just worried that it will be too easy to trace back to you, and since you do not really know her, there is no guarantee that she will not just spill it all right back to him and tell him some coworker of his is telling her X and Y about him.
OP here - I will update on here to let you know what happened. Just had a friend recommend that I type up a note on plain white paper. List the things that she should know about. Not to much detail but just enough for her to question something's like "Do you really know all the details around that ticket he got 2 weeks ago?" That ticket will be listed in his state as him having gotten and public record. "Ask his son how he disciplines him when he isn't around". He has told several other people about the inappropriate way he disciplines his son so that is common knowledge. They said they would help me go over the letter to make sure it doesn't give me away. They are traveling out of the country in a week and will mail it from there. This could work.
I think these examples are too nonspecific. Instead of saying 'ask about' say 'he said this but he did this'. Being specific will help her rule out if it is bs or not... I'm picturing myself getting a weird nonspecific international letter that knew a bit and not a lot... and I would be possibly ignore it, but more probably I'd be amused and bring it up with dh laughing... saying 'isn't this crazy...' thing is, if she does this, I think he will be able to play off that it is a letter full of crazy from some stranger or someone who is 'jealous of his happiness' and she will believe it. Being specific will help remove the veil a little more and she'll have more insight.
Anonymous
02/28/2017 12:10
Subject: Warning people about bad things or mind your business?
Anonymous wrote:I know a girl that is about to marry a very bad man. I know him but I don't really know her. He is ever the narcissist and has been lying to her horribly. Every time I here him brag about how he has her wrapped around his finger and how he is going to get her to do this and that and how he hasn't told her about the financial bind he is in and needs her money so he can fix it and spend more money, I just want to scream. She doesn't know about the money situation, she doesn't know about the speeding tickets, she doesn't know about so many things I can't list them all. She is very nice but naive and has no clue what she is getting into and she has a child. Do I make an attempt to say something or just mind my business and watch this train wreck happen? Do other women have some obligation to other women to give them a heads up or do I just let the chips fall where they may. They are both in late 30's
Oh please save this girl and their kids from a future divorce.
Anonymous
02/28/2017 10:04
Subject: Re:Warning people about bad things or mind your business?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Either use FB or like med in or snail.mail. say you would want to k ow theses things yourself, give her info so she can make her own conclusions. Make it clear you are acquainted not former lover etc.
OP here - I think I will try and figure out a way to tell her anonymously. Even if I have to make fake FB profile and contact her via that. I would spend my time feeling to guilty if I don't. You make a good point about stressing that not former lover or woman scorned looking for revenge. Just one chick trying to help out another chick
OP, please come back later and tell us what you did in the end, and whether it changed anything. I have read the thread and am frankly concerned for you as well as for this woman. In your position I would want to tell her what I knew, too, but it sounds as if this jerk could trace it to you (you mention that he seems to want to brag about his jerkishness to someone and that it's often you) and that he could make life hell for you at work. If you are in a position where you cannot risk your income, please proceed very carefully. Narcissistic users like him have NO problem victimizing co-workers if they feel those co-workers have betrayed them. I am not saying to stay silent -- I do agree that this woman needs a heads-up (whether she listens to it or not) but if you identify yourself to her, there is every chance that she will run and tell him all about it, especially if she believes all his lies. Send her a letter or hand her a note with your number on it and you may find him coming after you professionally, and fast. A fake FB profile might work but I don't use FB so am not sure; however, just be sure you are untraceable.
Please update us. I agree that you should warn her; I'm just worried that it will be too easy to trace back to you, and since you do not really know her, there is no guarantee that she will not just spill it all right back to him and tell him some coworker of his is telling her X and Y about him.
OP here - I will update on here to let you know what happened. Just had a friend recommend that I type up a note on plain white paper. List the things that she should know about. Not to much detail but just enough for her to question something's like "Do you really know all the details around that ticket he got 2 weeks ago?" That ticket will be listed in his state as him having gotten and public record. "Ask his son how he disciplines him when he isn't around". He has told several other people about the inappropriate way he disciplines his son so that is common knowledge. They said they would help me go over the letter to make sure it doesn't give me away. They are traveling out of the country in a week and will mail it from there. This could work.
Anonymous
02/28/2017 09:52
Subject: Re:Warning people about bad things or mind your business?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Either use FB or like med in or snail.mail. say you would want to k ow theses things yourself, give her info so she can make her own conclusions. Make it clear you are acquainted not former lover etc.
OP here - I think I will try and figure out a way to tell her anonymously. Even if I have to make fake FB profile and contact her via that. I would spend my time feeling to guilty if I don't. You make a good point about stressing that not former lover or woman scorned looking for revenge. Just one chick trying to help out another chick
OP, please come back later and tell us what you did in the end, and whether it changed anything. I have read the thread and am frankly concerned for you as well as for this woman. In your position I would want to tell her what I knew, too, but it sounds as if this jerk could trace it to you (you mention that he seems to want to brag about his jerkishness to someone and that it's often you) and that he could make life hell for you at work. If you are in a position where you cannot risk your income, please proceed very carefully. Narcissistic users like him have NO problem victimizing co-workers if they feel those co-workers have betrayed them. I am not saying to stay silent -- I do agree that this woman needs a heads-up (whether she listens to it or not) but if you identify yourself to her, there is every chance that she will run and tell him all about it, especially if she believes all his lies. Send her a letter or hand her a note with your number on it and you may find him coming after you professionally, and fast. A fake FB profile might work but I don't use FB so am not sure; however, just be sure you are untraceable.
Please update us. I agree that you should warn her; I'm just worried that it will be too easy to trace back to you, and since you do not really know her, there is no guarantee that she will not just spill it all right back to him and tell him some coworker of his is telling her X and Y about him.
Anonymous
02/28/2017 09:46
Subject: Warning people about bad things or mind your business?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
Unless you are in danger if you speak up... please tell her!!!
(How is this even a question?)
I don't know her, I have met her once. How do I even do that, why would she believe me?
Talk to her alone, when you are sure he want walk in and stop you, tell her everything you know. If there's something that she can easily confirm for herself, tell her to look into it but if she doesn't believe you don't lose any sleep, you did your part. Not saying anything in this situation would not be okay imo, especially with a child involved.
He will never let that happen. Also she lives in another state and comes to visit occasionally and he goes there. He makes it a state secret when she is in town so no one gets any alone time with her. Me and other co-worker had wanted to take her to dinner and drinks and chat when she was down here one time but he was having no part of that. Co-worker tried to give her her card to contact her and he got it from her and co-worker hasn't heard from her. Only way I can have chat with her may be on FB cause he isn't on FB but I am not linked with her. He isn't my boss but if he finds out I butted in, he could make work difficult.
I'm the PP you replied to. You should figure out a way to tell her. Then she as an adult can choose whether to look into it or not. If the fake FB profile you mentioned isn't one she accepts, then or instead, you could send a FB message that just reminds her that you met, says you want to speak with her about an important private matter and ask her to send you her phone number and not tell anyone that you contacted her. If she's over 30 she'll have an idea that it's about him and will send you her number if she wants to know.
If he ever finds out that you contacted her you can say that you contacted her because you wanted to get her advice about horrible menstrual problems you've been having (make it sound yucky...that should stop him righ there) and she seemed like a great listener but you felt embarrassed to tell him all that or for him to know about your menstrual issues after you spoke with her. That should shut him up. If it turns out that she does tell him what you said just say you don't know what he's talking about. There's also HR if he does start to harass you at work. Good luck.
Anonymous
02/28/2017 09:28
Subject: Re:Warning people about bad things or mind your business?
Anonymous wrote:Either use FB or like med in or snail.mail. say you would want to k ow theses things yourself, give her info so she can make her own conclusions. Make it clear you are acquainted not former lover etc.
OP here - I think I will try and figure out a way to tell her anonymously. Even if I have to make fake FB profile and contact her via that. I would spend my time feeling to guilty if I don't. You make a good point about stressing that not former lover or woman scorned looking for revenge. Just one chick trying to help out another chick
Anonymous
02/28/2017 01:48
Subject: Warning people about bad things or mind your business?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What country does she reside? Why is a girl getting married? There are bigger issues here.....
This is on the east coast of the US. Yeah there are lots of issues..he has painted picture of perfection that she is walking into. He is very charming and very good looking but he literally hits everyone of these points in this article
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201409/10-signs-youre-in-relationship-narcissist
I suggest you contact child services. A girl should not be marrying a man, absent her being emancipated.
Stated earlier, both are in late 30's not a 'girl'
First line of thread: "I know a girl that is about to marry a very bad man."
You are a pedantic ass.
Anonymous
02/28/2017 01:01
Subject: Warning people about bad things or mind your business?
Anonymous wrote:I know a girl that is about to marry a very bad man. I know him but I don't really know her. He is ever the narcissist and has been lying to her horribly. Every time I here him brag about how he has her wrapped around his finger and how he is going to get her to do this and that and how he hasn't told her about the financial bind he is in and needs her money so he can fix it and spend more money, I just want to scream. She doesn't know about the money situation, she doesn't know about the speeding tickets, she doesn't know about so many things I can't list them all. She is very nice but naive and has no clue what she is getting into and she has a child. Do I make an attempt to say something or just mind my business and watch this train wreck happen? Do other women have some obligation to other women to give them a heads up or do I just let the chips fall where they may. They are both in late 30's
Anonymous
02/27/2017 21:43
Subject: Re:Warning people about bad things or mind your business?
Either use FB or like med in or snail.mail. say you would want to k ow theses things yourself, give her info so she can make her own conclusions. Make it clear you are acquainted not former lover etc.