Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At what age and what was the catalyst for determining that you don't like one of your parents?

A relative of mine confided that she just realized she can't stand her mother and wants to limit contact with her - she is 55. I found it interesting that up until now, she has had a good relationship with her. Nothing specific happened, it just dawned on her that her mom's influence has made her the person she is today and is in essence, blaming her for for some of her shortcomings. I would think this realization would happen at a much younger age or that a specific issue happens to cause a change of feelings.

How easily you dismiss what are more likely serious issues your relative experienced. How would you know nothing specific happened? She may not want to talk to you. I'm sure she's aware you are dismissive. Most dysfunctional families are surrounded by and include people like you. In families with sexual and physical abuse it is common for immediate and extended family members to minimize the damage and blame the victim.

Common sense would say that if the relative is comfortable telling her that she doesn't like her mother, than she would tell her why - or if there was a reason... Typically - if someone is closed off and doesn't want to talk to someone, they don't tell them other things... Reading comprehension... Figure it out.

Anonymous wrote:At what age and what was the catalyst for determining that you don't like one of your parents?

A relative of mine confided that she just realized she can't stand her mother and wants to limit contact with her - she is 55. I found it interesting that up until now, she has had a good relationship with her. Nothing specific happened, it just dawned on her that her mom's influence has made her the person she is today and is in essence, blaming her for for some of her shortcomings. I would think this realization would happen at a much younger age or that a specific issue happens to cause a change of feelings.

How easily you dismiss what are more likely serious issues your relative experienced. How would you know nothing specific happened? She may not want to talk to you. I'm sure she's aware you are dismissive. Most dysfunctional families are surrounded by and include people like you. In families with sexual and physical abuse it is common for immediate and extended family members to minimize the damage and blame the victim.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a parent is the hardest job you'll ever do, and it lasts a lifetime. I wish people here were more forgiving toward other humans, especially their parents.

What sanctimonious nonsense. People who abuse their children should not be allowed to continue to abuse them when they are adults through "forgiveness". They are likely to abuse heir grandchildren too.

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/family/2013/02/abusive_parents_what_do_grown_children_owe_the_mothers_and_fathers_who_made.html

Forgiveness has nothing to do with allowing someone to continue to abuse you. Forgiveness should be for YOU. So that YOU can let go of the anger and the resentment that obviously still controls your life.

Just because you forgive someone, doesn't even mean that you have to let them back into your life. It is simply saying that you are releasing the anger and resentment that you feel towards them. That you are ready to move on with your life, without all the baggage that comes from holding a grudge. Regardless of whether or not you are justified in your anger, let it go. Forgive so that you can move on. FOR YOU - not them.

Sure, being a parent is very hard, probably the hardest job many people will ever do, but being a kid growing up in an abusive household is infinitely harder, because they're kids and vulnerable and powerless and subject to the whims of the adults, and the kids asked for none of it.

Most of these stories are not your run-of-the-mill my-parents-were-too-strict-or-made-occasional-mistakes stories. Most of them are about really shitty parents who had no business becoming parents to begin with. Please place your empathy in the right place.

Anonymous wrote:Being a parent is the hardest job you'll ever do, and it lasts a lifetime. I wish people here were more forgiving toward other humans, especially their parents.

Sounds like someone should volunteer as a child advocate or at a DV shelter. After doing that, come back here and talk about 'forgiveness'.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a parent is the hardest job you'll ever do, and it lasts a lifetime. I wish people here were more forgiving toward other humans, especially their parents.

I hate that BS cliched line. Being a firefighter is a hard job, but that doesn't excuse an individual firefighter if he causes people harm (especially intentionally) or if he slacks off or if he exploits the people he is supposed to protect.

I think people like to use that line as an excuse for being crappy people. Being a parent is optional. That's the thing. It's a choice. Children aren't possessions. They are responsibilities, but no one is forced to have children or be a parent. So if you make that choice, don't be a martyr.

Also, some people are toxic and they harm they do just continues. You can forgive them but still cut them off so that you can be a functional human being.

I sincerely believe a lot of people have children because they want unconditional love and they want all of the Hallmark moments. They think in terms of children being "theirs" and have a difficult time with the concept that they are separate, individual human beings. Parents are guardians -- not owners. The goal is to make your children eventually independent, autonomous, healthy human beings. Your children don't owe you anything. It isn't a contract that just by giving birth, no matter how horrible you are to your kids, that they owe you a lifetime of deference and should let you continue to exploit and mistreat them until you die.

You're obviously not an old Asian parent. Many of them believe exactly the opposite of this, and will pound you down until the day they die or you escape.

Anonymous wrote:Being a parent is the hardest job you'll ever do, and it lasts a lifetime. I wish people here were more forgiving toward other humans, especially their parents.

I hate that BS cliched line. Being a firefighter is a hard job, but that doesn't excuse an individual firefighter if he causes people harm (especially intentionally) or if he slacks off or if he exploits the people he is supposed to protect.

I think people like to use that line as an excuse for being crappy people. Being a parent is optional. That's the thing. It's a choice. Children aren't possessions. They are responsibilities, but no one is forced to have children or be a parent. So if you make that choice, don't be a martyr.

Also, some people are toxic and they harm they do just continues. You can forgive them but still cut them off so that you can be a functional human being.

I sincerely believe a lot of people have children because they want unconditional love and they want all of the Hallmark moments. They think in terms of children being "theirs" and have a difficult time with the concept that they are separate, individual human beings. Parents are guardians -- not owners. The goal is to make your children eventually independent, autonomous, healthy human beings. Your children don't owe you anything. It isn't a contract that just by giving birth, no matter how horrible you are to your kids, that they owe you a lifetime of deference and should let you continue to exploit and mistreat them until you die.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a parent is the hardest job you'll ever do, and it lasts a lifetime. I wish people here were more forgiving toward other humans, especially their parents.

That was your takeaway after reading this? Are you sure we read the same things?

+100

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a parent is the hardest job you'll ever do, and it lasts a lifetime. I wish people here were more forgiving toward other humans, especially their parents.

What sanctimonious nonsense. People who abuse their children should not be allowed to continue to abuse them when they are adults through "forgiveness". They are likely to abuse heir grandchildren too.

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/family/2013/02/abusive_parents_what_do_grown_children_owe_the_mothers_and_fathers_who_made.html

+1

Great article. Parents are "owed" nothing. If they act like decent human beings, they will get it back, tenfold - but mental and other abuses? No.

Anonymous wrote:Being a parent is the hardest job you'll ever do, and it lasts a lifetime. I wish people here were more forgiving toward other humans, especially their parents.

What sanctimonious nonsense. People who abuse their children should not be allowed to continue to abuse them when they are adults through "forgiveness". They are likely to abuse heir grandchildren too.

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/family/2013/02/abusive_parents_what_do_grown_children_owe_the_mothers_and_fathers_who_made.html

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a parent is the hardest job you'll ever do, and it lasts a lifetime. I wish people here were more forgiving toward other humans, especially their parents.

That was your takeaway after reading this? Are you sure we read the same things?

Forgiving them gave me a lot of peace. But I don't have to accept the way I was treated. I was very damaged by my parents, in ways I still am trying to deal with. It made me a want to be a great mom, and for that I am thankful. But it took LOTS of work, and I am okay with my parents not being part of our lives. We all have our own experiences, and that is mine, and these are my choices.

Anonymous wrote:Being a parent is the hardest job you'll ever do, and it lasts a lifetime. I wish people here were more forgiving toward other humans, especially their parents.

That was your takeaway after reading this? Are you sure we read the same things?

I realized it at some point. Didn't change a thing. Mostly, they are decent people so I am a good kid and do what I should do. It really doesn't matter if you like your parents or not. My brother and I haven't a thing in common, but we are both devoted to each other and to being family. I didn't pick any of them, but I love them nonetheless. Selfish to do otherwise unless there's abuse.

Anonymous wrote:Being a parent is the hardest job you'll ever do, and it lasts a lifetime. I wish people here were more forgiving toward other humans, especially their parents.

I'm the poster whose mother nearly stabbed her and I'm sorry, but I think your post is total BS. I'm supposed to forgive the woman who nearly killed me? The one who abused me, physically, mentally, verbally, and emotionally just because she gave birth to me? I think not. Unless you've been abused, you'll never understand what some of us have been through. To tell us to be more forgiving is a crock of s#!t.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a parent is the hardest job you'll ever do, and it lasts a lifetime. I wish people here were more forgiving toward other humans, especially their parents.

Sometimes that is hard when they hurt you.

+1