OP, piling on here, but yes, I do find this situation strange. If your DH is the father of your future child, I'd expect him to contribute to IVF. Secondly, you wrote you are cashing in retirement money. That's no doubt a decision you thought long and hard about but makes me wonder if financially this is a good choice for you. Will you be able to "make up" those savings?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP. Are you sure you want to have a kid with this guy?

She was going to have a kid by herself (and self pay for fertility treatments) prior to meeting him, per the original post. I think motherhood is a priority for her, and sounds like she would have had means to raise the child w/o a husband, at least that's how I've read it.

Yeah but once it's biologically his kid, she's stuck with him, to some extent

Not necessarily, and from little that we know about him he pays alimony and takes that responsibility seriously...

Anonymous wrote: OP here. We have a joint checking account for rent, food, gas, household supplies, etc, and then each have separate savings accounts and checking accounts, his for his child support, mine for my eldercare. We didn't combine all of our money when we married, mainly because my ex husband had a bad gambling habit and blew through a lot of my money before I came to my senses and we split up.

I don't have that issue with my current husband, thank goodness, and I'd like to think we're in team. It's just that recently, I've started wondering how others split IVF costs and if I'm being taken advantage of, or if it's a fair deal. It's not something I'd really talk about with other couples round the dinner table, so I'm grateful for your blunt and constructive thoughts. The physical process of IVF is hard enough, the financial and emotional part can be devastating.

Does he have the cash flow to contribute to the expense? My H has a child from his previous marriage, and even though he makes a good salary , after child support and paying into our joint account, he didn't have much leftover. Whereas I have had a lot more "disposable" income. We didn't do IVF, but if we had, I would have probably had to pay the lion's share. But, I don't think my H would have ever said he wasn't paying...if that make sense - it's not that you're covering the cost, it's his attitude about it.

As an aside, daycare comes out of my account - partly for the reasons described above, partly because I want to be able to cover my child's expenses on my own after.

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- all of you have very good points and this is painful, but helpful to hear. I was preparing to have a child on my own when we met, so I guess we just feel into the assumption that I would cover all IVF costs. When I explicitly raised it, he said he didn't have enough money with his child support costs to pay for IVF but then if he can't cover IVF, I guess that really does beg the question of how he can financially contribute to raising child. Sorry, I know this isn't online therapy. I asked the question as I was initially interested to know if in any other couples, the cost of IVF fell on one partner, or if I'm in a really weird situation.

Hi OP - When I saw the subject of your post, I knew that there would be tons of comments saying that you definitely have issues if you are paying the IVF cost, you must share all expenses to truly be a team...and so on. My DH and I have separate checking accounts and do not split all costs. It works out for us and we are happy. I don't want my DH to pay for my brazilian waxes and I don't want to pay for his power tools. We have a complete happy marriage with this arrangement that we are both satisfied with and feel it's equitable for both. I (female) have paid for my IVF treatments, so you are not alone! We have separate insurances, so I just started paying for it, and have not asked him to chip in since we typically keep health costs separate. Although, I will say I am lucky to have good insurance coverage so have not needed to touch my retirements accounts. It does sounds like a difficult situation if he is strained financially due to child support. I know its tough, but only you can decide what is right for you and your relationship, not strangers from DCUM! Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP. Are you sure you want to have a kid with this guy?

She was going to have a kid by herself (and self pay for fertility treatments) prior to meeting him, per the original post. I think motherhood is a priority for her, and sounds like she would have had means to raise the child w/o a husband, at least that's how I've read it.

Yeah but once it's biologically his kid, she's stuck with him, to some extent

Anonymous wrote: OP here. We have a joint checking account for rent, food, gas, household supplies, etc, and then each have separate savings accounts and checking accounts, his for his child support, mine for my eldercare. We didn't combine all of our money when we married, mainly because my ex husband had a bad gambling habit and blew through a lot of my money before I came to my senses and we split up.

I don't have that issue with my current husband, thank goodness, and I'd like to think we're in team. It's just that recently, I've started wondering how others split IVF costs and if I'm being taken advantage of, or if it's a fair deal. It's not something I'd really talk about with other couples round the dinner table, so I'm grateful for your blunt and constructive thoughts. The physical process of IVF is hard enough, the financial and emotional part can be devastating.

OP, just sending you a hug. My ex had a gamling issue too. Met a great match. We went though IF. I am just wishing you happiness!

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP. Are you sure you want to have a kid with this guy?

She was going to have a kid by herself (and self pay for fertility treatments) prior to meeting him, per the original post. I think motherhood is a priority for her, and sounds like she would have had means to raise the child w/o a husband, at least that's how I've read it.

Wow OP. Are you sure you want to have a kid with this guy?

My husband and I have separate finances but shared the burden of IF treatment.

PP chiming in again, just to say my husband and I do have separate checking and savings accounts and a joint one. But we each have full information on how our salaries are being deposited and the balances. And for big purchases we buy out of our joint account. i don't even remember why we set it up this way...I think because we were living apart for a time due to work. I also find it easier to track my account when I actually earned or spent the money in there...otherwise it's a bunch of numbers. I have a higher salary but we find our joint account proportional to our salaries.

OP here. We have a joint checking account for rent, food, gas, household supplies, etc, and then each have separate savings accounts and checking accounts, his for his child support, mine for my eldercare. We didn't combine all of our money when we married, mainly because my ex husband had a bad gambling habit and blew through a lot of my money before I came to my senses and we split up.

I don't have that issue with my current husband, thank goodness, and I'd like to think we're in team. It's just that recently, I've started wondering how others split IVF costs and if I'm being taken advantage of, or if it's a fair deal. It's not something I'd really talk about with other couples round the dinner table, so I'm grateful for your blunt and constructive thoughts. The physical process of IVF is hard enough, the financial and emotional part can be devastating.

How are you not a team if you have separate checking accounts?
My partner and I have separate checking accounts, and a joint one, which we put money in for the mortgage, utilities etc.

We also have flex spending accounts, which we have both used and drained for IVF multiple years.
I guess my question would be, are you paying half of the child support for his kids? If so, then I would say he can pay half of the IVF. If you aren't helping with his payments, then I can understand his point.
He is already paying for kids Child Support, which I can't imagine to be cheap by any means.

I'd probably ask him for contributions from his FSA if he has one, or if not, then set one up. $100 a pay period isn't alot to contribute, but hey $2600 pays for a FET through Aetna and Meds for it.

Ultimately, at the end of the day none of his here are probably licensed therapists, and you should probably talk to one, even if DH doesn't want to go with you.

Like others said, this is a unique situation. When my infertility journey was going towards IUI we met with specialists and discussed costs of IUI, IVF, etc. My dh looked like he saw a ghost when we left that appointment, Im not sure he would have gone through with it.

If you make more than him, then no I dont think its 100% weird you are paying for it. Is there a reason you two have not joined accounts?

PP has a point. He has kids. Having more isn't a priority. You can bet he will make this child a priority but it is just a bet. The data suggests that children and a family with you isn't his focus. If you want a child, keep going with IVF. You have all the receipts and if your marriage doesn't work out, custody will be easy since he didn't give anything but sperm and you could probably get some child support if you want it since you can prove you drained your retirement account trying to have the child with him. You could also probably get the retirement money back plus interest...

How have his samples come back? Are you sure he didn't have a secret vasectomy?