Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

My cousin informed me of the diagnosis and prognosis a few months back. We have sent a card and a restaurant gift card to brother's home, which is more than 1000 miles away.

I emailed brother birthday greetings a few days ago and he emailed back that she is near death. I replied that they are in our prayers. When the time comes, I think I will ask. Funeral and burial are likely 200 miles away.

You are making excuses with the distances you mention. If you really care about your brother, take a few days off and fly from coast to coast if necessary to visit with them. That is far more meaningful than waiting for her to die so you can be seen at the funeral. I would be disgusted having you at funeral if you didn't bother to see her in her final days.

This. Even without such a rocky relationship more people show up for funerals than in the months before death and it is always hard on the intimate family members. Expect a cold shoulder from some of them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

My cousin informed me of the diagnosis and prognosis a few months back. We have sent a card and a restaurant gift card to brother's home, which is more than 1000 miles away.

I emailed brother birthday greetings a few days ago and he emailed back that she is near death. I replied that they are in our prayers. When the time comes, I think I will ask. Funeral and burial are likely 200 miles away.

You are making excuses with the distances you mention. If you really care about your brother, take a few days off and fly from coast to coast if necessary to visit with them. That is far more meaningful than waiting for her to die so you can be seen at the funeral. I would be disgusted having you at funeral if you didn't bother to see her in her final days.

Agreed, the mentioning of distances is getting pretty lame. There is no excuse for not having gone to see them already. And 200 miles is absolutely no excuse for not going to a funeral. But, do not call to ask what he thinks. Don't make this about you. Just go, quietly.

200 miles away you go. In my family everyone attends and it is appreciated. Even exwifes and husbands. It is about showing respect. Last year my cousin's ex husband died from cancer and everyone went and were sad he suffered. Years ago they had a horrible divorce that involved cheating but in our family you remember the positive and are there for each other during these times.

We drove 9 hours to go to the funeral of DH's father's girlfriend. He isn't close with his father and we didn't like the girlfriend. She wasn't nice to us or our children but nothing bad ever happened. They had been together for years and we thought it was the respectful thing to do.

I would go. Without question.

And even more so given the more recent contact you have had with him.

Go.

Would it mean anything to you if the tables were turned and he made the effort to show up for something?

Be the bigger person and do the right thing.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

My cousin informed me of the diagnosis and prognosis a few months back. We have sent a card and a restaurant gift card to brother's home, which is more than 1000 miles away.

I emailed brother birthday greetings a few days ago and he emailed back that she is near death. I replied that they are in our prayers. When the time comes, I think I will ask. Funeral and burial are likely 200 miles away.

You are making excuses with the distances you mention. If you really care about your brother, take a few days off and fly from coast to coast if necessary to visit with them. That is far more meaningful than waiting for her to die so you can be seen at the funeral. I would be disgusted having you at funeral if you didn't bother to see her in her final days.

OP here.

My cousin informed me of the diagnosis and prognosis a few months back. We have sent a card and a restaurant gift card to brother's home, which is more than 1000 miles away.

I emailed brother birthday greetings a few days ago and he emailed back that she is near death. I replied that they are in our prayers. When the time comes, I think I will ask. Funeral and burial are likely 200 miles away.

OP, how did you find out? My uncle called our house when his son died, after years of not speaking with my dad or anybody else in my family. Obviously, we went to the funeral. If uncle didn't call, we simply wouldn't make it to the funeral.

Anonymous wrote:Always, always, always go to the funeral. There is no other answer. I just went through something far less tragic than what your brother is dealing with OP, and it absolutely changes my view of people to see whether they make any effort to acknowledge a loss.

Not true, an unwanted "mourner" could be extremely upsetting. GET PERMISSION!!!!!

Anonymous wrote:Always go to the funeral.

NO! Don't go unless you think you will be welcome. Call brother, express your condolences, tell him you would like to attend and ask if it would be okay.

Always go to the funeral.

I asked my father to leave my grandfather's funeral. He divorced my mother for another woman. My grandfather never forgave him. I might add that it gave me great pleasure to ask him to leave as I also loathed him.

Attending is the only right thing to do. Yes, you are not close with brother or her, but you are his family. You seem to be trying to justify why not to go, when there is really only one choice.

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't you reach out when she was sick?

That is the question.

OP. I think you should go to the funeral, but remember you are an outsider so don't expect any acknowledgment beyond a nod.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are estranged, STAY AWAY. You have had nothing to do with them for years and fake sympathy is worse than no sympathy.

That's some fucked up, immature, high school logic.

If you think that her brother in his time of absolute grief is going to take the time out to contemplate whether his sister showing up for him at this time is genuine or "fake", you've obviously never lost someone so close to you that it completely rocks you to your core & everything in life is reevaluated with new meaning. .

All of that petty "fake" BS goes completely out the window & you really start to value the important things, like who was there in my time of need, my time of sorrow, my time of grief.

Go OP, don't listen to this ridiculous high school mentality, this is THE worst advice I've seen yet.
Your brother will appreciate you making the effort & in the end, it may start you on the path to healing.

One million percent agree!

If you think for one second that your brother is contemplating old grievances or considering whether your attending the funeral is "fake" all while in the throws of mourning his life partner, think again.
That is absolute pettiness at it's finest & unless you've been there, where your whole entire world has shattered before you & you can barely get out of bed in the morning, let alone think about some petty nonsense... well, I imagine that he will definitely appreciate the gesture wholeheartedly & you don't have to worry about any of that other ridiculousness.

As the previous poster mentioned, your gesture of kindness & consideration may be the exact thing to start you both on the path to a newfound relationship.

Everyone needs family... you need to go.