Anonymous
Post 01/27/2017 10:32     Subject: Pick up drop off fight with DH.
Anonymous wrote:What is PT? I think your DH needs to step it up. I'm team wife here.

I do 100% when dh is on travel and it's tight and I too feel squeezed from all sides. I can't even stop for gas on my way to or from daycare pickup because it would make me late for work or late to pickup from daycare (there's a fine). It's so darn hard.

And yes, your dh can do it all in 45 minutes from 7:15-8am especially if you help a little. I get the baby up, change diaper, clothes and then she drinks her bottle (in the bathroom with me) while I brush my teeth and change clothes. I wake at 7 and get both of us out the door at 7:40.

Why can't your dh at least just drop off at the daycare? That alone is a huge help when my dh is home to do that.


Required daily exercise.

Military are required to work out and stay physically fit according to whatever standards their branch has.

Their waist has to sta below a certain measurement. Their weight/bmi has to stay within a certain target.

They are tested periodically and have to pass a physical fitness test (running, sit ups, push ups, etc).

If they fail their PT tests, if their waist is too big, if their weight/BMI too heavy, they get in trouble.

They could be reprimanded or in some cases like a command or many other areas, be removed (fired) from their job.

Staying physically fit and doing PT is a required part of being in the military.

OP is in the wrong.

Even if her husband takes a very fast 5-10 minute shower, it takes a while to put on the uniform, especially if he is wearing boots. Maybe 5 minutes more than putting on a suit or work clothes and picking out jewelry it will take him a minimum of 20 minutes to shower, shave and put on his uniform.

She needs to quit nagging him and get out of bed 10-15 minutes earlier if she is short on time.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2017 10:31     Subject: Pick up drop off fight with DH.
Anonymous wrote:If his duty day starts at 5:45, then he should easily be home by 4-4:30, so the post makes no sense. I don't know anyone who went home after PT vs. showering at the gym.


His duty day doesn't start at 5:45. He wakes up at that time. Wow. DH's duty day starts at 5:45 am and I sleep until 7:30 am. Got it.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2017 10:30     Subject: Pick up drop off fight with DH.
Anonymous wrote:DH is military and has to wake up at 5:45am to get to PT. He gets home between 7:15 and 7:30 am, showers, dresses, and leaves the house around 8 to arrive to work at 8:30. In the meantime, I wake up, get our 2 yo son up, and leave the house at 7:30 in order to do daycare drop off and be at work by 8:05 sharp. I leave at 5:05 pm and do pickup. I agreed to do dropoff and pickup, as long as DH would help get DS ready in the morning. The problem is DH never helps. He gets home and takes care of himself. I called him out on it and he said "I promised I'd help WHEN I CAN". I took that to mean, when he's back from PT in time. I guess he takes it to mean when he is not rushed to get to work.

I feel squeezed on all sides. I already had to get a written agreement from my boss to come in at 8:05 instead of 8:00. And there are many times I would like to stay late, but I can't. This means, I often work through lunch so I can get out on time. Meanwhile my husband will call me at work and ask to take me out to lunch!

I told DH I was feeling squeezed and pressured, and I'm getting flack from my boss. His solution is I need to wake up earlier. He's correct that this would solve things, but I feel like I am making all the compromises here. DH comes home after me, and I've already fed our son and cleaned the kitchen. I'm ok with that because he will cook for us or pick up take out. It's just in the morning I feel it is unfair that he owns his time while I share my time with our kid. I feel we should both do it. I finally told him that if he is in the house while I am in the house in the morning and not helping to get DS ready, I'm going to leave and he can take DS to school. Of course now we are pissed off at each other. Anyone have any advice?



I don't know. You have a husband who is still interested enough in you to suggest lunch dates, and cooks dinner so those seem positive. Maybe consider yourself lucky that you don't need PT every day? (I'm assuming he has physical therapy--I'm not military so I don't know). Can you look for a job with more flexibility? Mine has core required hours of 10-2, for example.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2017 10:27     Subject: Pick up drop off fight with DH.
If his duty day starts at 5:45, then he should easily be home by 4-4:30, so the post makes no sense. I don't know anyone who went home after PT vs. showering at the gym.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2017 10:22     Subject: Re:Pick up drop off fight with DH.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP. If you need "permission" to start work at 8:05 instead of 8, it's hard to imagine you are a "professional woman". Most professionals aren't literally clocking in and out. There is an expectation that I am at work during standard hours, but no one is watching the clock. Assuming my work is done and done well, no one cares whether I get to work at 8 or 9. And no one is watching to see when I leave.

Reality check - Being career military (assuming your DH is a senior NCO or an Officer) in DC is a tough assignment. His time belongs to the military. And while the military is becoming more family friendly, most branches aren't there yet. I remember hearing "if the Army wanted you to have a family, they would have issued you one" many times.

If your spouse plans to make the military his career, you will not have one. You will have jobs. But especially as he advances in rank, the demands on both him and on you increase. He is married to you, but he belongs to the military. You accept that and find a way to make it work. If you don't, his career will suffer, he will resent you, and you will both be unhappy.

It's not "fair" but it's reality. You chose this life when you married him.

Signed,
Daughter of a retired 3-star General
Wife of a former Colonel who is now a Fed.


Double standard much? "His time belongs to the military" but I "can't be a professional" because I had to negotiate my time? I'm a lawyer, sorry it's not professional enough for you, and you need to stop wearing daddy's rank.


It's not about "wearing my daddy's rank". I'm 50 years old, for heaven's sake. It's about growing up in that life and continuing it for much of my married life. If your DH moves up in rank, you will move every two years. Your career will take a backseat. It may be a double standard, but it is the way the military works. I don't care if you are a lawyer or a dog catcher, your career will come second because the military literally owns your DH. If you don't show up to work, you might get fired. If he doesn't show up, he goes to jail.

You either accept that. Or you and your DH will be miserable. It's not about "fair".


Maybe... BUT, for right now, she's just asking for a few minutes of help in the morning with their child. Right now, he is able to do it but he is choosing to smoke instead.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2017 10:21     Subject: Pick up drop off fight with DH.
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I DONT WAKE UP AT 7:30am. I LEAVE THE HOUSE AT 7:30 am. How could I wake up at 7:30 and have an 8:05 start time? (Which I agree is so insanely stupid and offensive that I had to get a MEMO for, but my boss/job are great in most every other way)

My DH also travels a lot, and he is gone his fair share over weekends, and I need to be really clear. He's NOT deployed. He has a desk job, he is not in harm's way. We are both well educated, and we both have reasonably important jobs. His life is not harder than mine, his personal time is not more valuable. I made a choice to marry into the Army, but he made a choice to be in the Army, and have a child with a professional woman. I'm literally asking that he does maybe 10-12 minutes of help in the morning with OUR child.


I was a single mom from the start and did pick up and drop off myself.

With the incredibly short time frames you have in the morning, it's better if only one of you does the prep work. Adding in your DH will only prolong not shorten the situation.

Get yourself completely ready for the day before you walk into your child's room.

Potty first thing.

If you want to give your DS a choice in clothing, do that the night before. Otherwise, just pick out something and put it on.

For socks and shoes, he does whichever one he can do quicker and you do the other. Or put on his socks and then hand him his shoes in the car to put on. He has until you get to daycare to do it and if not you will put them on.

I could easily get out the door in 15-20 minutes which included taking care of 2 dogs when my child was 2. It's just a matter of routine.

Pick up and evenings - since there is more time, that's a better place to get DH's involvement and for you to slow down and catch a break.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2017 10:18     Subject: Re:Pick up drop off fight with DH.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP. If you need "permission" to start work at 8:05 instead of 8, it's hard to imagine you are a "professional woman". Most professionals aren't literally clocking in and out. There is an expectation that I am at work during standard hours, but no one is watching the clock. Assuming my work is done and done well, no one cares whether I get to work at 8 or 9. And no one is watching to see when I leave.

Reality check - Being career military (assuming your DH is a senior NCO or an Officer) in DC is a tough assignment. His time belongs to the military. And while the military is becoming more family friendly, most branches aren't there yet. I remember hearing "if the Army wanted you to have a family, they would have issued you one" many times.

If your spouse plans to make the military his career, you will not have one. You will have jobs. But especially as he advances in rank, the demands on both him and on you increase. He is married to you, but he belongs to the military. You accept that and find a way to make it work. If you don't, his career will suffer, he will resent you, and you will both be unhappy.

It's not "fair" but it's reality. You chose this life when you married him.

Signed,
Daughter of a retired 3-star General
Wife of a former Colonel who is now a Fed.


Double standard much? "His time belongs to the military" but I "can't be a professional" because I had to negotiate my time? I'm a lawyer, sorry it's not professional enough for you, and you need to stop wearing daddy's rank.


It's not about "wearing my daddy's rank". I'm 50 years old, for heaven's sake. It's about growing up in that life and continuing it for much of my married life. If your DH moves up in rank, you will move every two years. Your career will take a backseat. It may be a double standard, but it is the way the military works. I don't care if you are a lawyer or a dog catcher, your career will come second because the military literally owns your DH. If you don't show up to work, you might get fired. If he doesn't show up, he goes to jail.

You either accept that. Or you and your DH will be miserable. It's not about "fair".
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2017 10:10     Subject: Re:Pick up drop off fight with DH.
Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP. If you need "permission" to start work at 8:05 instead of 8, it's hard to imagine you are a "professional woman". Most professionals aren't literally clocking in and out. There is an expectation that I am at work during standard hours, but no one is watching the clock. Assuming my work is done and done well, no one cares whether I get to work at 8 or 9. And no one is watching to see when I leave.

Reality check - Being career military (assuming your DH is a senior NCO or an Officer) in DC is a tough assignment. His time belongs to the military. And while the military is becoming more family friendly, most branches aren't there yet. I remember hearing "if the Army wanted you to have a family, they would have issued you one" many times.

If your spouse plans to make the military his career, you will not have one. You will have jobs. But especially as he advances in rank, the demands on both him and on you increase. He is married to you, but he belongs to the military. You accept that and find a way to make it work. If you don't, his career will suffer, he will resent you, and you will both be unhappy.

It's not "fair" but it's reality. You chose this life when you married him.

Signed,
Daughter of a retired 3-star General
Wife of a former Colonel who is now a Fed.


Double standard much? "His time belongs to the military" but I "can't be a professional" because I had to negotiate my time? I'm a lawyer, sorry it's not professional enough for you, and you need to stop wearing daddy's rank.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2017 10:09     Subject: Re:Pick up drop off fight with DH.
If your DH is waiting to get ready until after you leave, I think he could cut his smoke break short and put his child's shoes/coat on and get the DC in the car seat. It doesn't seem very nice for one spouse to watch another spouse do the daily kid routine when it wouldn't be that hard to lend a hand for a few minutes.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2017 10:03     Subject: Re:Pick up drop off fight with DH.
OP, if you needed to negotiate a 5 minute later start time with your boss I have to believe you are under enormous stress and looking for the source. It is not your DH.

Don't blame him for the stress you are under with whatever career/boss you have. That's what is causing you stress, not him.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2017 09:59     Subject: Pick up drop off fight with DH.
OP, tell your husband to quit smoking! It's so gross and unhealthy. 50% of all smokers will die from a smoking related illness. FACT! Tell him how much you love him, how much your child loves him and how much you want him around for as long as possible.

If he quits, he can use that time to help your morning routine. But seriously, he needs to quit, for everyone's sake.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2017 09:54     Subject: Re:Pick up drop off fight with DH.
Honestly, OP. If you need "permission" to start work at 8:05 instead of 8, it's hard to imagine you are a "professional woman". Most professionals aren't literally clocking in and out. There is an expectation that I am at work during standard hours, but no one is watching the clock. Assuming my work is done and done well, no one cares whether I get to work at 8 or 9. And no one is watching to see when I leave.

Reality check - Being career military (assuming your DH is a senior NCO or an Officer) in DC is a tough assignment. His time belongs to the military. And while the military is becoming more family friendly, most branches aren't there yet. I remember hearing "if the Army wanted you to have a family, they would have issued you one" many times.

If your spouse plans to make the military his career, you will not have one. You will have jobs. But especially as he advances in rank, the demands on both him and on you increase. He is married to you, but he belongs to the military. You accept that and find a way to make it work. If you don't, his career will suffer, he will resent you, and you will both be unhappy.

It's not "fair" but it's reality. You chose this life when you married him.

Signed,
Daughter of a retired 3-star General
Wife of a former Colonel who is now a Fed.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2017 09:37     Subject: Pick up drop off fight with DH.
Anonymous wrote:What is PT? I think your DH needs to step it up. I'm team wife here.

I do 100% when dh is on travel and it's tight and I too feel squeezed from all sides. I can't even stop for gas on my way to or from daycare pickup because it would make me late for work or late to pickup from daycare (there's a fine). It's so darn hard.

And yes, your dh can do it all in 45 minutes from 7:15-8am especially if you help a little. I get the baby up, change diaper, clothes and then she drinks her bottle (in the bathroom with me) while I brush my teeth and change clothes. I wake at 7 and get both of us out the door at 7:40.

Why can't your dh at least just drop off at the daycare? That alone is a huge help when my dh is home to do that.


PT is mandatory armed forces exercise/workouts. No choice to skip.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2017 09:35     Subject: Pick up drop off fight with DH.
My husband leaves the house at 6am every morning. Part of this is to beat traffic, but it's also because he has to support a military client. That means I do 100% of mornings with my 2 and 4 year old while also getting myself out the door. It sucks. It's a drain. It can feel super unfair when you're trying to take the dogs out, get teeth brushed, make sure you don't look like a sloppy hobo yourself, and feed two kids. So I get OP's simmering resentment.

But honestly, this might be a fight you can't win. The military comes first. Why not instead look at where you can 'barter' this time back. A mother's helper a few mornings a week, a closer daycare, etc - all great suggestions from a PP. Or find a regular sitter and pick a time to get your nails done/have coffee by yourself/go to bible study/whatever once a week to find your center and your peace - so 10mns every morning don't ruin your whole day... and marriage.

My DH isn't in uniform, but we still all ask 'how high?' when DoD tells him to jump. It's just how it is, how it's always been, and how it will likely always be.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2017 09:07     Subject: Pick up drop off fight with DH.
If he does get home @7:15AM, then yes I agree that he should chip in any way he can w/your son.
If he has the time to smoke a cigarette (which he shouldn't even be doing for his long-term health!) & playing a phone game, then that time can easily be directed to brushing his child's teeth or helping him get his clothes on.

I agree w/you OP that your hubby needs to step up his game.

It is called being a parent first.