Anonymous wrote:I think we all missed the point amisdst our advice on how teens should study. She wants study time to count as quality time with her kid and with the siblings.

That is not the way it works. Homework time, wherever it is, is not quality togetherness time.

Most teens like some alone time, more than their parents would prefer. They need alone time because they are people and because they are decided pressing for a very full noisy day.

I think actually that you missed the point. The point was that she wanted to see her dd more. As a potential solution, she asked her dd if it would be possible for her to do her homework downstairs. Her dd made it clear that she wasn't a fan of the idea. She came here looking for suggestions on how she could get her dd to spend more time downstairs - not sequestered in her bedroom "doing homework," knowing she doesn't have that much. Seeing her daughter was the focus of her concern and post, not finding a way to make homework count towards quality time.

I think we all missed the point amisdst our advice on how teens should study. She wants study time to count as quality time with her kid and with the siblings.

That is not the way it works. Homework time, wherever it is, is not quality togetherness time.

Most teens like some alone time, more than their parents would prefer. They need alone time because they are people and because they are decided pressing for a very full noisy day.

OP here. Thanks for the great advice!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a teen who was disappearing in his room to do "homework" and he was getting As and Bs. We know he is capable of straight As, so we made him do homework in the kitchen where we could supervise him, and it turned out he got his work done faster and improved his grades to straight As in one quarter. He realizes this is a better way for him to work on better study habits. We are going to try letting him work in his room again, and see what happens to grades.

The best piece of advice we ever received re high school and homework was at a freshman parent orientation at our oldest child's (daughter) new private. They said that the girls' desks should be in a public room where you can see them and they can see you so that they continue to feel connected, not shut away. This includes the computer on which they do their school work. We got home that night and moved her desk into our great room, right off of the kitchen and dining room. She thought we were crazy but we noticed over time that the amount of time she spent on homework seemed to be about half the time of her peers who were sequestered in their bedrooms (unless her peers were exaggerating time which is highly possible). And to our continued surprise her grades were stellar. FWIW we had purchased a new desk and set it up in her bedroom the August before high school began because we knew it was a tough environment and we thought it was what we should do - even though she, as well as her younger sibs, had been successful doing their homework at the kitchen and/or dining room table for years.

Anyway, we've now are using the same technique with all the kids. They each have a desk in the great room and there is one common computer with a printer (although the high schoolers have laptops and the middlers get iPads). It is working for us. Different strokes for different folks. It can get a little loud and crazy but I've also walked in and you could hear a pin drop while they were all focused on what they were doing. But the room always had a good vibe.

The one observation I have and really like about it is that they are all communicating with each other, with the older kids helping the younger kids, as they work on homework. Even the little one, 6, gets into the habit with his little bits of homework, too, although we're down to just two at home since two are in college and one is away because he deferred to go on a church mission and will start college next year.

Not the OP, but thanks! That sounds like a great set up.

It works for us! Although I admit that sometimes visitors to the house look at us a little weird because we have 3 or 4 full-sized tables or desks (each kid gets to choose which they prefer) with desk chairs, lamps, et al stationed around the corners of the room with some sofas and stuff in the middle.

Anonymous wrote:People here don't know how, or don't choose to, say things with kindness. OP, you're not being selfish. You know she's not doing homework for 4-6 hours straight. That's the thing. You mentioned having her do homework downstairs for an hour and people latched onto that with horror. Maybe that's not feasible, but the point is you'd like her to spend some time downstairs and feel she should be able to carve out an hour of the whole afternoon/evening to do that, knowing she's not that busy.

My 16yo ds has the opposite problem. He's constantly taking breaks and comes down to play with his siblings, the dog, get a snack, tell me a story from the day. He does spend a lot more time in his room since being in high school, and yes, he has a lot of homework. But if you compressed it, it would be more like 2 hours a night, 3 max. He just drags it out, and your dd probably does, too.

Aww, sounds like a nice problem to have, PP! He wants to be around you guys.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a teen who was disappearing in his room to do "homework" and he was getting As and Bs. We know he is capable of straight As, so we made him do homework in the kitchen where we could supervise him, and it turned out he got his work done faster and improved his grades to straight As in one quarter. He realizes this is a better way for him to work on better study habits. We are going to try letting him work in his room again, and see what happens to grades.

The best piece of advice we ever received re high school and homework was at a freshman parent orientation at our oldest child's (daughter) new private. They said that the girls' desks should be in a public room where you can see them and they can see you so that they continue to feel connected, not shut away. This includes the computer on which they do their school work. We got home that night and moved her desk into our great room, right off of the kitchen and dining room. She thought we were crazy but we noticed over time that the amount of time she spent on homework seemed to be about half the time of her peers who were sequestered in their bedrooms (unless her peers were exaggerating time which is highly possible). And to our continued surprise her grades were stellar. FWIW we had purchased a new desk and set it up in her bedroom the August before high school began because we knew it was a tough environment and we thought it was what we should do - even though she, as well as her younger sibs, had been successful doing their homework at the kitchen and/or dining room table for years.

Anyway, we've now are using the same technique with all the kids. They each have a desk in the great room and there is one common computer with a printer (although the high schoolers have laptops and the middlers get iPads). It is working for us. Different strokes for different folks. It can get a little loud and crazy but I've also walked in and you could hear a pin drop while they were all focused on what they were doing. But the room always had a good vibe.

The one observation I have and really like about it is that they are all communicating with each other, with the older kids helping the younger kids, as they work on homework. Even the little one, 6, gets into the habit with his little bits of homework, too, although we're down to just two at home since two are in college and one is away because he deferred to go on a church mission and will start college next year.

Not the OP, but thanks! That sounds like a great set up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, OP, there isn't another more accurate word for how you're acting. She's a sophomore. Her grades count and her studies are difficult. She can't focus or get anything done when there is noise and there's you, her dad (I'm assuming the DH is yours and not hers, per your post), and her brother. That's A LOT of distractions and you're asking way too much of her. You need to explain the level of work she has to her brother as it won't be any different when he's her age - he'll be doing the same exact thing.

It is entirely unreasonable to expect an hour from her each night before dinner, then she has dinner during which she can't do anything, so you're taking anywhere from 1.5 hours to 2 hours away from her every night. That's NUTS!!

You need to check yourself - and your son - and stop being selfish. Spending time with you won't get her into a good college.

So, you think it may be an accurate assessment that a 10th grader has anywhere from 4-7 hours of homework every single night? My 10th grader probably has 2-2.5 hours generally, sometimes as much as 4. But, at times, he stays up in his room like OP's daughter from 3:30 til 10pm, barely coming out. If I ask him what's up that he has so much homework that night, he says he only had the normal amount, he just dragged it out by messing around. That is probably the case with most any teenager who holes up in their room all afternoon and night. That is what I think OP would like to discourage.

Some high schoolers so have this much homework. But even if Ozp's daughter doesn't, there is nothing wrong with her spending some time in evening just hanging out in her room. After being at school all day, extracurriculars, family dinner, & homework maybe she just wants some alone time to decompress before bed. Some people crave that, even need it.Teens included!

NP. Of course they do, and nothing's wrong with it. Totally normal. But if it was just "some" alone time, rather than "tons of" alone time, OP wouldn't be missing her and wondering how to get her to come out of her room.

How time she is spending alone in her room just hanging out really depends on the amount of homework she actually has, though. It's possible she's doing homework for all but 20-30 minutes of the time she's in her room most evenings. Even if it's an hour or an hour and a half, I don't think that's an excessive amount of time for her to be hanging out in her room (as long as her parents are checking once in while to ensure she's not doing anything she shouldn't be while she's in there alone).

She's 15. What should she be doing with her family in the evenings that she's not? Sitting & watching tv with her parents? Hardly more productive than hanging out in her room (perhaps even less so)! Sitting & reading on the coach? Not much different than reading in her room in that she's not actualky interacting with the rest of the family.Playing with her little brother? Unless they are being paid to babysit, what 15-year-old wants to spend the evening playing with a 10-year-old?

Do you & your kids/spouse like board games? If you want everybody to spenf more time together, maybe you could chose a time one night a week that works for everyone for you to play a board gane together ad a family for 30 minutes or an hour. A set night fir watching a movie together as a family could be fun, too, though, deoending on your FD's homework load, bith your kids' extracurriculars & you & your spouse's work hours, it might be hard to find the time to watch an entire movie on a school night. If that's the case, maybe Sunday nights would work.Beyond trying to institute a movie &/or game night,as long as your DD is getting her homework & chores done & sitting with the family to eat dinner (& actually talking to everybody during dinner) & you & your spouse are monitoring her phone & computer use & checking on on her in her room every so often to make sure she isn't doing something nefarious in there, I would let it go. I know you & the rest of the family miss spending more time with her but your DD's behavior sounds developmentally appropriate. Hard as it may be in us as parents, less time with one's parents & siblings often goes hand in hand with the adolescent individuation process. It's just the next step in our kids growing up!

I'll consider myself very lucky that my 16 year old ds spends a lot of time downstairs, talking with me and playing with his 13 and 11 year old siblings and the dog. He'd rather not hole up in his room alone, probably because he's very social and extroverted.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, OP, there isn't another more accurate word for how you're acting. She's a sophomore. Her grades count and her studies are difficult. She can't focus or get anything done when there is noise and there's you, her dad (I'm assuming the DH is yours and not hers, per your post), and her brother. That's A LOT of distractions and you're asking way too much of her. You need to explain the level of work she has to her brother as it won't be any different when he's her age - he'll be doing the same exact thing.

It is entirely unreasonable to expect an hour from her each night before dinner, then she has dinner during which she can't do anything, so you're taking anywhere from 1.5 hours to 2 hours away from her every night. That's NUTS!!

You need to check yourself - and your son - and stop being selfish. Spending time with you won't get her into a good college.

So, you think it may be an accurate assessment that a 10th grader has anywhere from 4-7 hours of homework every single night? My 10th grader probably has 2-2.5 hours generally, sometimes as much as 4. But, at times, he stays up in his room like OP's daughter from 3:30 til 10pm, barely coming out. If I ask him what's up that he has so much homework that night, he says he only had the normal amount, he just dragged it out by messing around. That is probably the case with most any teenager who holes up in their room all afternoon and night. That is what I think OP would like to discourage.

Some high schoolers so have this much homework. But even if Ozp's daughter doesn't, there is nothing wrong with her spending some time in evening just hanging out in her room. After being at school all day, extracurriculars, family dinner, & homework maybe she just wants some alone time to decompress before bed. Some people crave that, even need it.Teens included!

NP. Of course they do, and nothing's wrong with it. Totally normal. But if it was just "some" alone time, rather than "tons of" alone time, OP wouldn't be missing her and wondering how to get her to come out of her room.

How time she is spending alone in her room just hanging out really depends on the amount of homework she actually has, though. It's possible she's doing homework for all but 20-30 minutes of the time she's in her room most evenings. Even if it's an hour or an hour and a half, I don't think that's an excessive amount of time for her to be hanging out in her room (as long as her parents are checking once in while to ensure she's not doing anything she shouldn't be while she's in there alone).

She's 15. What should she be doing with her family in the evenings that she's not? Sitting & watching tv with her parents? Hardly more productive than hanging out in her room (perhaps even less so)! Sitting & reading on the coach? Not much different than reading in her room in that she's not actualky interacting with the rest of the family.Playing with her little brother? Unless they are being paid to babysit, what 15-year-old wants to spend the evening playing with a 10-year-old?

Do you & your kids/spouse like board games? If you want everybody to spenf more time together, maybe you could chose a time one night a week that works for everyone for you to play a board gane together ad a family for 30 minutes or an hour. A set night fir watching a movie together as a family could be fun, too, though, deoending on your FD's homework load, bith your kids' extracurriculars & you & your spouse's work hours, it might be hard to find the time to watch an entire movie on a school night. If that's the case, maybe Sunday nights would work.Beyond trying to institute a movie &/or game night,as long as your DD is getting her homework & chores done & sitting with the family to eat dinner (& actually talking to everybody during dinner) & you & your spouse are monitoring her phone & computer use & checking on on her in her room every so often to make sure she isn't doing something nefarious in there, I would let it go. I know you & the rest of the family miss spending more time with her but your DD's behavior sounds developmentally appropriate. Hard as it may be in us as parents, less time with one's parents & siblings often goes hand in hand with the adolescent individuation process. It's just the next step in our kids growing up!

You know as a parent you probably applauded when DD signed up for hard classes, and now she's doing what she needs to do to make the grades. And yes that includes down town for her and that's apart from you.

I totally believe in having kids do homework in a communal space. My kids have a table, laptop near a printer, bookshelves with textbooks and school supplies in a common area of the house. They do homework in this area. Usually I read in a chair nearby or cook dinner in the nearby kitchen. This gives us "face time" and allows them to ask me and each other questions easily when they need help or guidance. It's actually kind of nice that they know what each other are studying and sometimes quiz each other. Also agree no computers or cell phones in rooms. Bedrooms are for sleeping.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, OP, there isn't another more accurate word for how you're acting. She's a sophomore. Her grades count and her studies are difficult. She can't focus or get anything done when there is noise and there's you, her dad (I'm assuming the DH is yours and not hers, per your post), and her brother. That's A LOT of distractions and you're asking way too much of her. You need to explain the level of work she has to her brother as it won't be any different when he's her age - he'll be doing the same exact thing.

It is entirely unreasonable to expect an hour from her each night before dinner, then she has dinner during which she can't do anything, so you're taking anywhere from 1.5 hours to 2 hours away from her every night. That's NUTS!!

You need to check yourself - and your son - and stop being selfish. Spending time with you won't get her into a good college.

So, you think it may be an accurate assessment that a 10th grader has anywhere from 4-7 hours of homework every single night? My 10th grader probably has 2-2.5 hours generally, sometimes as much as 4. But, at times, he stays up in his room like OP's daughter from 3:30 til 10pm, barely coming out. If I ask him what's up that he has so much homework that night, he says he only had the normal amount, he just dragged it out by messing around. That is probably the case with most any teenager who holes up in their room all afternoon and night. That is what I think OP would like to discourage.

Some high schoolers so have this much homework. But even if Ozp's daughter doesn't, there is nothing wrong with her spending some time in evening just hanging out in her room. After being at school all day, extracurriculars, family dinner, & homework maybe she just wants some alone time to decompress before bed. Some people crave that, even need it.Teens included!

NP. Of course they do, and nothing's wrong with it. Totally normal. But if it was just "some" alone time, rather than "tons of" alone time, OP wouldn't be missing her and wondering how to get her to come out of her room.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, OP, there isn't another more accurate word for how you're acting. She's a sophomore. Her grades count and her studies are difficult. She can't focus or get anything done when there is noise and there's you, her dad (I'm assuming the DH is yours and not hers, per your post), and her brother. That's A LOT of distractions and you're asking way too much of her. You need to explain the level of work she has to her brother as it won't be any different when he's her age - he'll be doing the same exact thing.

It is entirely unreasonable to expect an hour from her each night before dinner, then she has dinner during which she can't do anything, so you're taking anywhere from 1.5 hours to 2 hours away from her every night. That's NUTS!!

You need to check yourself - and your son - and stop being selfish. Spending time with you won't get her into a good college.

So, you think it may be an accurate assessment that a 10th grader has anywhere from 4-7 hours of homework every single night? My 10th grader probably has 2-2.5 hours generally, sometimes as much as 4. But, at times, he stays up in his room like OP's daughter from 3:30 til 10pm, barely coming out. If I ask him what's up that he has so much homework that night, he says he only had the normal amount, he just dragged it out by messing around. That is probably the case with most any teenager who holes up in their room all afternoon and night. That is what I think OP would like to discourage.

Some high schoolers so have this much homework. But even if Ozp's daughter doesn't, there is nothing wrong with her spending some time in evening just hanging out in her room. After being at school all day, extracurriculars, family dinner, & homework maybe she just wants some alone time to decompress before bed. Some people crave that, even need it.Teens included!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a teen who was disappearing in his room to do "homework" and he was getting As and Bs. We know he is capable of straight As, so we made him do homework in the kitchen where we could supervise him, and it turned out he got his work done faster and improved his grades to straight As in one quarter. He realizes this is a better way for him to work on better study habits. We are going to try letting him work in his room again, and see what happens to grades.

The best piece of advice we ever received re high school and homework was at a freshman parent orientation at our oldest child's (daughter) new private. They said that the girls' desks should be in a public room where you can see them and they can see you so that they continue to feel connected, not shut away. This includes the computer on which they do their school work. We got home that night and moved her desk into our great room, right off of the kitchen and dining room. She thought we were crazy but we noticed over time that the amount of time she spent on homework seemed to be about half the time of her peers who were sequestered in their bedrooms (unless her peers were exaggerating time which is highly possible). And to our continued surprise her grades were stellar. FWIW we had purchased a new desk and set it up in her bedroom the August before high school began because we knew it was a tough environment and we thought it was what we should do - even though she, as well as her younger sibs, had been successful doing their homework at the kitchen and/or dining room table for years.

Anyway, we've now are using the same technique with all the kids. They each have a desk in the great room and there is one common computer with a printer (although the high schoolers have laptops and the middlers get iPads). It is working for us. Different strokes for different folks. It can get a little loud and crazy but I've also walked in and you could hear a pin drop while they were all focused on what they were doing. But the room always had a good vibe.

The one observation I have and really like about it is that they are all communicating with each other, with the older kids helping the younger kids, as they work on homework. Even the little one, 6, gets into the habit with his little bits of homework, too, although we're down to just two at home since two are in college and one is away because he deferred to go on a church mission and will start college next year.

PP who's kids also do homework in a common area. I agree with all of this. We had the same experience with our DC1, who took a total of 9 AP classes and got straight A's junior and senior year, yet never spent more than 2 hours a day on homework (and often less).

It really depends on the particular school, teachers, & classes in question, though. I didn't goof off up in my room at night when I was supposed to be doing my homework yet, by the time I was in high school, it was very rare for me to be finished with everything in 2 hours. My junior year, in particular, it took me closer to 5 hours on average. Again, I wasn't goofing off, watching tv, talking on the phone, etc. I just had a ton of homework!

Our kids desks have been in an open area off the kitchen since middle school (when there was a homework not being done issue with one of them; the other wanted to work there too). Since that time they are both free to work in their rooms if they like. They prefer the common room. I prepare dinner, use wireless headphones if I'm listening to something and it doesn't bother them at all.

OP, you all do have dinner together, right? If you have a hard time getting a family conversation going, there are little cards like "table topics" that we have fun with sometimes.

Other posters had useful suggestions, like developing a common interest. Getting them to go for a walk with you, or shooting hoops. I do think it'd be reasonable to ask her to cook once a week. Then YOU can hang around close to the kitchen, if that's not too annoying for her. You could even ask the kids to cook dinner together. (that's what I'm asking my kids.) Good for their bonding, good for their skill building, good for you.)