Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 21:41     Subject: Not complaining, just feeling sad about having mommy-tracked myself
Anonymous wrote:I did the same thing and found myself at 50 regretting not going for the bigger paycheck and promotions. I loved being the parent to care for my kids, but now I am facing a divorce and a smaller career to support us.

I feel like many sahm are convinced they'll never be in this situation and don't prepare at all for this outcome. Pp did you assume the same when you made your decision early on?
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 21:20     Subject: Not complaining, just feeling sad about having mommy-tracked myself
Anonymous wrote:Your life is ruined like tens of millions of others who have forfeited intellectual stimulation to drive children to piano lessons and karate. The most you can do now is to make sure that any daughters you have do not follow in your footsteps and instead are 100% independent women with interesting, thought stimulating careers.
do you even have kids and feel the pull of a soft cheek to snuggle and a tiny hand to hold. Money can't replace that
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 21:18     Subject: Not complaining, just feeling sad about having mommy-tracked myself
I did the same thing and found myself at 50 regretting not going for the bigger paycheck and promotions. I loved being the parent to care for my kids, but now I am facing a divorce and a smaller career to support us.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 21:11     Subject: Re:Not complaining, just feeling sad about having mommy-tracked myself
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Both my husband and I have experienced this to one degree or another. I was making a great salary, but had no work life balance. I gave that up and moved to a career in which I have less prestige, but more quality time with my child. My husband has had the opportunity to advance in his current employer (he has been there 20plus years) to a position that would significantly increase his pay, but would require a great deal of travel (2plus weeks per month). He has declined because he doesn't want to spend time away from home. We could easily swing it as I work from home and have lots of flexibility with my position. My child is in daycare/pre-school - but no additional childcare other than that. Spending quality time with our child is important to us and we place a premium on it.

It sounds like you coworker is sacrificing time with her child for her career. She pays for extra childcare so it sounds like she has little quality time with her kid.

IMO, I think you got the better deal. Sure, you may not have gotten the promotion, but you have a manageable work/life balance in which you don't need a ton of extra childcare. Promotions will come and go - the quality time with your kids is way more special than any promotion.


Ugh. Why would you assume that the coworker is sacrificing time with her child for her career? Maybe she has figured out a balance that OP hasn't. No need to criticize the coworker just to make the OP feel better or help her to justify her own career decisions.


Seriously. Do you know the coworker? Stop bashing other women's career choices because they decide to do something other than aspire to be a SAHM.


You 2 crazies take your shit elsewhere there are tons of threads for the fight you are spoiling to have. Time is not infinite, you will sacrifice something at some point. Its fine to admit that.


+1.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 19:51     Subject: Not complaining, just feeling sad about having mommy-tracked myself
Your life is ruined like tens of millions of others who have forfeited intellectual stimulation to drive children to piano lessons and karate. The most you can do now is to make sure that any daughters you have do not follow in your footsteps and instead are 100% independent women with interesting, thought stimulating careers.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 16:08     Subject: Not complaining, just feeling sad about having mommy-tracked myself
I hear you, OP. I mommy-tracked for a few years when my kids were babies - only took assignments that required no or minimal travel, for example, which in my field really limited my options.

They are older now and I've started "leaning in" a little more, although not to the degree that I could if I didn't have kids. One of my coworkers (started within a year of when I did) has definitely surpassed me in career. I watch her sometimes and can't help but think what I could have done ....

But the bottom line is that I made my choice, she made hers. I am actually happy with my choices and wouldn't do it differently, but it's ok to feel a little sad for what we gave up, even if we got something else in return.

The good news is that I am starting to see more opportunities open up as I make myself available for them. So I agree with a pp, mommy tracking can be a phase and not necessarily forever.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 15:48     Subject: Not complaining, just feeling sad about having mommy-tracked myself
Haven't read all the responses, but glad it seems like a supportive thread. A lot of us have been in your shoes OP. I turned down 4 jobs in the past 8 years that would have fast tracked my career, raised my profile, and probably resulted in a higher salary today and onward. But I knew in each case it wasn't going to be my dream job, and that it would have lousy consequences for the rest of my life.

There are plenty of times where I feel some regret. But I also have seen that opportunities come and go; it's not a single promotion or you're left behind forever. Two years ago I did accept a bigger job. It may not take me to the same heights as some of the other opportunities might have, but I boosted my salary by about 25%, while keeping my work-life balance where I need it to be. Just keep being good at what you do - you'll have plenty of other opportunities for advancement.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 15:35     Subject: Re:Not complaining, just feeling sad about having mommy-tracked myself
Women's lives go in sequences, like arcs of years. You are in a time with little kids in an arc. It will end (don't have any more kids or it won't). Plan for the end, gear up, and start another arc.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 15:03     Subject: Not complaining, just feeling sad about having mommy-tracked myself
I hear you. I feel the same way. But the way I look it, mommy track is still a track. I hope that I will be in a position to ramp up again when my kids are no longer so young. It won't be the same as having gone straight through, but it's not like I'm totally out of the workforce either.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 14:53     Subject: Re:Not complaining, just feeling sad about having mommy-tracked myself
Anonymous wrote:OP- I was in a similar situation 5 years ago. I mommy tracked my career when my oldest was born. He ended up having health issues, which required me to scale back even more. He got older and healthier and I got a new job and fully leaned in. While I may not catch up to where I would have been, I've already progressed from where I was and am on track to keep progressing. The mommy-track thing doesn't have to be forever!


Not the OP but this is nice to hear. It helps to know folks who have "leaned back" in one stage of life and shifted gears later.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 12:14     Subject: Re:Not complaining, just feeling sad about having mommy-tracked myself
Anonymous wrote:Wow OP, I had almost the exact same thing happen to me just yesterday.

A peer of mine at work just got a very plum assignment that will give her a lot of opportunities moving forward. Last year, I was offered something similar and turned it down because I knew that it would be very, very hard on my kids and my family. (My DH has an inflexible job situation.)

I got the email announcing the peer's assignment and I just felt bad. I wouldn't really do anything any differently, but I still felt crappy. I know I am capable of so much more professionally, but I also know in my case that if I fulfill my potential professionally I will be stretched very thin and my kids will suffer some. I know myself pretty well and I'm not of these superhero moms that can put in a 50 hour week at a stressful job and come home and be my best self or parent.



Yep, same here. When I see colleagues go to where I could have been, I feel bad. But in the end my kids take priority, otherwise why have them?
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 12:06     Subject: Not complaining, just feeling sad about having mommy-tracked myself
OP, it sounds like you're regretting a choice that wasn't much of a choice, so try not to worry about what you should have done. You did what you should have done. You can't really outsource taking a sick kid to the doctor--either you do it, or your husband would have to do it. One or both of you would have to make a trade off in terms of your careers to do what you had to do for your kid.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 12:03     Subject: Re:Not complaining, just feeling sad about having mommy-tracked myself
Wow OP, I had almost the exact same thing happen to me just yesterday.

A peer of mine at work just got a very plum assignment that will give her a lot of opportunities moving forward. Last year, I was offered something similar and turned it down because I knew that it would be very, very hard on my kids and my family. (My DH has an inflexible job situation.)

I got the email announcing the peer's assignment and I just felt bad. I wouldn't really do anything any differently, but I still felt crappy. I know I am capable of so much more professionally, but I also know in my case that if I fulfill my potential professionally I will be stretched very thin and my kids will suffer some. I know myself pretty well and I'm not of these superhero moms that can put in a 50 hour week at a stressful job and come home and be my best self or parent.

Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 11:56     Subject: Re:Not complaining, just feeling sad about having mommy-tracked myself
Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks to all for taking the time to read/reply and for all your kind words and different approaches.

To be clear, I think my coworker is a great mother, and I don't begrudge her the promotion.

Also, I'm not sad about the money (although I wouldn't mind a salary increase ), it's the sense of falling behind, and seeing the consequences of my choices play out.

I appreciate the reminder that balancing is hard for everyone with young kids, and we all have different ways in which we feel like we struggle.


Thanks for your post, OP. I often feel similarly to you as well--but then I think about the flip side of it too, and how stressed and anxious I might be in a different job. There's no maximizing all variables at once.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 11:42     Subject: Re:Not complaining, just feeling sad about having mommy-tracked myself
Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks to all for taking the time to read/reply and for all your kind words and different approaches.

To be clear, I think my coworker is a great mother, and I don't begrudge her the promotion.

Also, I'm not sad about the money (although I wouldn't mind a salary increase ), it's the sense of falling behind, and seeing the consequences of my choices play out.

I appreciate the reminder that balancing is hard for everyone with young kids, and we all have different ways in which we feel like we struggle.

Ah, OP. I know exactly what you mean. I absolutely feel this way. I've got friends who are fabulously successful and I'm thrilled for them, I really am. But I also look at them and wistfully think that I could be where they are if I had made different choices. On the flip side, they envy my short work hours, flexible schedule and lack of job-related stress.

We're all doing what we think is best for our families and ourselves.