Anonymous wrote:You have to wonder about the mindset of a person who chooses to stay with a cheating spouse for years, decades. Smh! Unfortunately the kids at home are watching both parents pass on these dysfunctional type values to their kids. At the end of the day you have no one to blame but yourself when you CHOSE, you have free will, to spend the best of your years with a cheating spouse rather than walkway. You can use every excuse in the book but it doesn't matter because you are progressing in your relationship or on life. You don't get to go back for a redo.

You are making a broad assumption that polyamory is somehow dysfunctional. There are probably plenty of couples who choose to stay together either throughout or after affairs. Sometimes it is better to "go along to get along," and if you are otherwise happy, why unwind an otherwise happy family?

I don't know if this counts as an affair or not. I knew a guy who was happily married and had 3 adult kids. When they were in their late 40's, his wife had early onset Alzheimer's that advanced quickly. After about 5 years she really did not recognize any of her family anymore. He was devoted to her and still visited her regularly, but he started to date a woman. After another 5 years or so (it had been about 10 years his wife had been institutionalized) he and the new woman bought a house together. When his wife finally died about 10 more years later, he, now in his late 60's married the woman who he had been living with for about 10 years. They were married about 15 years when he passed. My friend (the second wife) recently passed away in her late 80's.

This is not an affair per se but I think it'll be an interesting story.

My wife's grandfather, who died at 90, married in his early 20s. However, he was actually in love with another woman at that time but because he was "marrying up" to another a wealthier family, he was forced to do it--FYI, this is pre-cultural revolution China. This woman, however, never gave him up and told him she'll wait for him until the end of time. She not only waited for him, but she also helped deliver all four of his children (she was a doctor/nurse or something like that). FYI, grandmother knew about her this whole time. Sadly, they never really got to be with each other because grandfather passed away earlier than grandmother. We recently went back to China and saw the woman. Once she saw my father in law, she said grandfather's name and came into tears. This woman, for true love, waited for almost seven decades but still wasn't able to finally be with him at the end...quite a sad story.

After 3 years it's not an affair it's a relationship

Anonymous wrote:I once read this forum for other women and some of the stories made me sad. Some of these women have self esteem issues. Some had been the ow for decades. Some had children with the MM. the one that broke my heart was one woman gave birth alone. The MM was coming in a couple of weeks to meet the baby awful.

If you are going to claim that someone has self-esteem issues, that goes both ways. What woman would stay with a man that is having an affair.

My H's affair was 9 years. I suspected something about 3 years in and almost caught them and he broke it off for 2 years. Then they started again and it lasted 4 years.

I caught him because he synced his texts to my iPad (and my son's phone).

My H has serious mental issues, btw. PTSD.

I don't think normal people do this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to wonder about the mindset of a person who chooses to stay with a cheating spouse for years, decades. Smh! Unfortunately the kids at home are watching both parents pass on these dysfunctional type values to their kids. At the end of the day you have no one to blame but yourself when you CHOSE, you have free will, to spend the best of your years with a cheating spouse rather than walkway. You can use every excuse in the book but it doesn't matter because you are progressing in your relationship or on life. You don't get to go back for a redo.

You are assuming the spouse knows. If the spouse does not know you can't blame them.

If they have their head in he sand. I can see a short-term affair but the long-term affairs, or the guys that have multiple affairs, NO. Stop painting people out to be fools.

Anonymous wrote:My sister...17 years. We grew up in a small Southern town, my dad was a judge, my mom a principal. They were decent people at heart but really cared about "our family image." She fell in love with a black basketball player from the next town over when she was 15 or so. She fought like her with my parents from 15 to 21. They were just so so against it. She couldn't pick him over them. She tried and then would be miserable and break up with him...cycle would repeat. One summer after college she just announced she was marrying the white lawyer from out town. My parents were SO SO happy and she was so happy to make them happy. HUGE wedding, two kids, great life. All these years later she still sees him quite often. No one knows but me and my brother suspects. She's a really great mom and wife too...she just can't forget him.

I read your post when you first found about this. While I feel sorry for your sister and think your parents did a really shitty thing, NO, your sister is NOT a good wife. Not in the least.

My grandmother. I think at least 35 years, maybe longer. My grandparents divorced amicably over it in the 1980s. The Other man never divorced. My grandmother continued to date him until he passed at age 85.

Mine 35 years before I caught her

Anonymous wrote:I wanted to throw out that recently a new book came out, and it turns out Spencer Tracy was gay ! He had married and had kids, I think. His wife knew he was gay. The "affair" with Katharine Hepburn was a cover, according to this new book. Katharine was gay, of course.
Now please don't crucify me, I am just relating what was recently in a news article I read. I will go try to find the name of that book. I believe it, the sourcing was good. Did anyone else see that?

Well, of course that means it's true.

37 years.

What is an affair that lasts that long? Its an actual relationship.

Anonymous wrote:My sister...17 years. We grew up in a small Southern town, my dad was a judge, my mom a principal. They were decent people at heart but really cared about "our family image." She fell in love with a black basketball player from the next town over when she was 15 or so. She fought like her with my parents from 15 to 21. They were just so so against it. She couldn't pick him over them. She tried and then would be miserable and break up with him...cycle would repeat. One summer after college she just announced she was marrying the white lawyer from out town. My parents were SO SO happy and she was so happy to make them happy. HUGE wedding, two kids, great life. All these years later she still sees him quite often. No one knows but me and my brother suspects. She's a really great mom and wife too...she just can't forget him.

Sounds like total bs.

Anonymous wrote:I once read this forum for other women and some of the stories made me sad. Some of these women have self esteem issues. Some had been the ow for decades. Some had children with the MM. the one that broke my heart was one woman gave birth alone. The MM was coming in a couple of weeks to meet the baby awful.

I think I know that forum. It drives me crazy. All these women who listened to the man say he's going to leave his wife, they're going to be together, and then years and years go by as they wait. It's sad, but also maddening. No one should waste their life waiting for a man. Either be happy with the status quo or dump him, but don't live in purgatory forever.