Anonymous
12/21/2016 22:37
Subject: Do I give him another chance?
Anonymous wrote:He was doing great there with the "Can I make it up to you?" And then it was crash and burn with the snotty "To be fair..."
Move on. The flakiness with the dinner boss is forgivable. It's that pissy response that is a red flag.
+1000
Anonymous
12/21/2016 22:34
Subject: Do I give him another chance?
Anonymous wrote:He cancelled two full days in advance, then tried to reschedule and keep the momentum going, and was sweet/flirtatious about it. You changed the whole tone of everything when you said you would be in touch if your schedule opened up.
He was being flirtatious and sincere, and you were cold.
I can see why someone would reply the way he did. Sorry, OP. It sounds like you kinda took out your previous dating frustrations on him. He wasn't flakey at all.
+1
I couldn't agree with this more. OP you tried to make him out to be the bad guy talking about a last minute cancellation but that's not what he did, and he was right to defend himself. Now you two may not be well matched and that's fine, but just accept that, don't try to make him wrong.
Anonymous
12/21/2016 22:29
Subject: Re:Do I give him another chance?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP back, I got up this morning and was surprised this conversation was still going, but even moreso at these replies. I wasn't looking for a federal indictment of they guy's behavior...but these responses re: my text to him are bizarre. The guy cancels 2 days in advance, then tries to reschedule the night before, then wants to state what defines last minute. This isn't the end of the world, I can just move on. But because I said I'd reach out when my schedule "opens up", I was "cold", a "PITA", and "needlessly rude"?
People, some of us actually mean what we say. I meant just that, that I'd reach out at a later date. I guess you can assign an opposite meaning if you want, but that's not on me. I'm not passive aggressive and my comment wasn't either. And a man isn't entitled to my acceptance or gratitude because he tries to keep a date he's already cancelled. A polite and respectful response? Sure. Otherwise we're just strangers. It's not that big a deal.
But I'm struck by the vitriol in these responses, that I should forget dating and "focus on raising my kid", and my favorite, "that's right, you're s single mom". I'm curious if there is a different standard of behavior for me, as a single parent dating, then him, as a single guy w/o kids? He's loosey-goosey with the schedule, which appears to be fine, but I say "I'll reach out, etc." and I should "leave that poor man alone?".
You know how many people out there in relationships are struggling right now? Are married but feel disconnected from their spouses? Or are single like me and are lonely, or happy, or somewhere in between? I'm no more or less deserving of love than anyone else. I'm not worried about dating...this was a chance encounter, otherwise yes, I focus on raising my kid and am pretty happy overall. Not being married doesn't give me anxiety (ask anyone who's been married before if they want to be married again...the overwhelming response is not "yes"). If I meet someone great, that's a different story. Otherwise we're doing fine. So to anyone on DCUM, married, single, looking...I hope your holiday is happy and peaceful.
OP, I too am often surprised by how quickly people jump all over posters and make all sorts of assumptions about them. I think there are basically two types of people who respond on DCUM: those that are able to see other viewpoints and offer advice without condemnation and those that project their own negative feelings and read what they want into every situation. I only keep reading because of the former. I've gotten plenty of great advice from people who respectfully disagree with me or have a viewpoint totally different from my own. When I post looking for advice and get responses from the latter that seem to totally miss the point or focus on vilifying me rather than simply disagreeing with me, I used to want to defend myself. It's hard not to when somebody is totally misconstruing what you say or making judgments about you based on a small snippet of a story. I eventually learned it wasn't worth it. Haters gonna hate.
+1
The majority on DCUM are, and I mean this sincerely, utter loons. Loons with hangups about women (often women who are threatened by other, particularly confident, women), miserable lives, and antisocial personalities which leave them lonely and give them plenty of time to make deranged Dr. Phil diagnoses online for hours to various people.
It sucks, but you just have to disregard the losers and recognize them as what they are. You can kind of tell who the well meaning, intelligent people are, and it's best to listen to them and literally ignore the rest.
Anonymous
12/21/2016 22:29
Subject: Do I give him another chance?
Anonymous wrote:I would also be turned off by his response but his reaction was to your awful response. "I'll reach out if my schedule opens up???"
Sorry, this one is on you. It sounds like he made a sincere effort to keep the date on track...
+1
A dinner came up with his boss, he didn't flake on you OP.
Anonymous
12/21/2016 22:27
Subject: Do I give him another chance?
Yeah, he sounds really annoying with the "to be fair". Just ugh. Sounds like he has been spending too much time on reddit.
I would move on and be grateful you dodged a bullet and found out early
I would move on and be grateful you dodged a bullet and found out early
Anonymous
12/21/2016 22:25
Subject: Do I give him another chance?
This is why I don't date single moms.
Anonymous
12/21/2016 09:10
Subject: Re:Do I give him another chance?
Anonymous wrote:OP back, I got up this morning and was surprised this conversation was still going, but even moreso at these replies. I wasn't looking for a federal indictment of they guy's behavior...but these responses re: my text to him are bizarre. The guy cancels 2 days in advance, then tries to reschedule the night before, then wants to state what defines last minute. This isn't the end of the world, I can just move on. But because I said I'd reach out when my schedule "opens up", I was "cold", a "PITA", and "needlessly rude"?
People, some of us actually mean what we say. I meant just that, that I'd reach out at a later date. I guess you can assign an opposite meaning if you want, but that's not on me. I'm not passive aggressive and my comment wasn't either. And a man isn't entitled to my acceptance or gratitude because he tries to keep a date he's already cancelled. A polite and respectful response? Sure. Otherwise we're just strangers. It's not that big a deal.
But I'm struck by the vitriol in these responses, that I should forget dating and "focus on raising my kid", and my favorite, "that's right, you're s single mom". I'm curious if there is a different standard of behavior for me, as a single parent dating, then him, as a single guy w/o kids? He's loosey-goosey with the schedule, which appears to be fine, but I say "I'll reach out, etc." and I should "leave that poor man alone?".
You know how many people out there in relationships are struggling right now? Are married but feel disconnected from their spouses? Or are single like me and are lonely, or happy, or somewhere in between? I'm no more or less deserving of love than anyone else. I'm not worried about dating...this was a chance encounter, otherwise yes, I focus on raising my kid and am pretty happy overall. Not being married doesn't give me anxiety (ask anyone who's been married before if they want to be married again...the overwhelming response is not "yes"). If I meet someone great, that's a different story. Otherwise we're doing fine. So to anyone on DCUM, married, single, looking...I hope your holiday is happy and peaceful.
OP, I too am often surprised by how quickly people jump all over posters and make all sorts of assumptions about them. I think there are basically two types of people who respond on DCUM: those that are able to see other viewpoints and offer advice without condemnation and those that project their own negative feelings and read what they want into every situation. I only keep reading because of the former. I've gotten plenty of great advice from people who respectfully disagree with me or have a viewpoint totally different from my own. When I post looking for advice and get responses from the latter that seem to totally miss the point or focus on vilifying me rather than simply disagreeing with me, I used to want to defend myself. It's hard not to when somebody is totally misconstruing what you say or making judgments about you based on a small snippet of a story. I eventually learned it wasn't worth it. Haters gonna hate.
Anonymous
12/21/2016 08:42
Subject: Re:Do I give him another chance?
OP back, I got up this morning and was surprised this conversation was still going, but even moreso at these replies. I wasn't looking for a federal indictment of they guy's behavior...but these responses re: my text to him are bizarre. The guy cancels 2 days in advance, then tries to reschedule the night before, then wants to state what defines last minute. This isn't the end of the world, I can just move on. But because I said I'd reach out when my schedule "opens up", I was "cold", a "PITA", and "needlessly rude"?
People, some of us actually mean what we say. I meant just that, that I'd reach out at a later date. I guess you can assign an opposite meaning if you want, but that's not on me. I'm not passive aggressive and my comment wasn't either. And a man isn't entitled to my acceptance or gratitude because he tries to keep a date he's already cancelled. A polite and respectful response? Sure. Otherwise we're just strangers. It's not that big a deal.
But I'm struck by the vitriol in these responses, that I should forget dating and "focus on raising my kid", and my favorite, "that's right, you're s single mom". I'm curious if there is a different standard of behavior for me, as a single parent dating, then him, as a single guy w/o kids? He's loosey-goosey with the schedule, which appears to be fine, but I say "I'll reach out, etc." and I should "leave that poor man alone?".
You know how many people out there in relationships are struggling right now? Are married but feel disconnected from their spouses? Or are single like me and are lonely, or happy, or somewhere in between? I'm no more or less deserving of love than anyone else. I'm not worried about dating...this was a chance encounter, otherwise yes, I focus on raising my kid and am pretty happy overall. Not being married doesn't give me anxiety (ask anyone who's been married before if they want to be married again...the overwhelming response is not "yes"). If I meet someone great, that's a different story. Otherwise we're doing fine. So to anyone on DCUM, married, single, looking...I hope your holiday is happy and peaceful.
People, some of us actually mean what we say. I meant just that, that I'd reach out at a later date. I guess you can assign an opposite meaning if you want, but that's not on me. I'm not passive aggressive and my comment wasn't either. And a man isn't entitled to my acceptance or gratitude because he tries to keep a date he's already cancelled. A polite and respectful response? Sure. Otherwise we're just strangers. It's not that big a deal.
But I'm struck by the vitriol in these responses, that I should forget dating and "focus on raising my kid", and my favorite, "that's right, you're s single mom". I'm curious if there is a different standard of behavior for me, as a single parent dating, then him, as a single guy w/o kids? He's loosey-goosey with the schedule, which appears to be fine, but I say "I'll reach out, etc." and I should "leave that poor man alone?".
You know how many people out there in relationships are struggling right now? Are married but feel disconnected from their spouses? Or are single like me and are lonely, or happy, or somewhere in between? I'm no more or less deserving of love than anyone else. I'm not worried about dating...this was a chance encounter, otherwise yes, I focus on raising my kid and am pretty happy overall. Not being married doesn't give me anxiety (ask anyone who's been married before if they want to be married again...the overwhelming response is not "yes"). If I meet someone great, that's a different story. Otherwise we're doing fine. So to anyone on DCUM, married, single, looking...I hope your holiday is happy and peaceful.
Anonymous
12/20/2016 22:11
Subject: Do I give him another chance?
He should have been much more sympathetic regarding your situation re: the babysitter.
As a single mother, any man you end up dating will have to realize that things are not always as easy for you logistically.
If he cannot see it now, then he is the wrong guy for you.
Being a single parent in these types of situations can surely be a blessing as you get the opportunity to weed out the boys from the men.
As a single mother, any man you end up dating will have to realize that things are not always as easy for you logistically.
If he cannot see it now, then he is the wrong guy for you.
Being a single parent in these types of situations can surely be a blessing as you get the opportunity to weed out the boys from the men.
Anonymous
12/20/2016 21:24
Subject: Do I give him another chance?
Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. I appreciate this perspective. To answer a PP's question, I'm 41. Before I had kids, 48 hrs wasn't last minute to me either. It's different now, if for no other reason than I can't keep good sitters and cancel on them. I haven't dated much (my child is 4 so it isn't a top priority right now) but I've been blown away at guys being unable to follow through, and these are for first dates that are arranged, not second dates where there's maybe been a change of heart. My "I'll reach out if my schedule opens up" was sincere, I really can't see this as "awful". But yeah, flakiness (which I can't do) aside, the red flag for me was his last reply. A guy who gets defensive when we barely know each other (and he's the one who cancelled!) is probably not for me.
Thanks DCUM!
I'm curious did he know ahead of time that you had to hire a babysitter? Also, in general since you don't know the flakiness level of the guys and you want to make sure you don't keep canceling on the babysitters, can you have alternate plans and maybe reduce the amount of time like go out and finish holiday shopping? Or have a babysitting swap with a neighbor so it may be less problematic if the date cancels?
I just think that you were highly annoyed because canceling on the babysitting isn't without cost to you I.e. maybe not getting them when you need them or letting someone down that may have turned down another job to commit to you. The only cancellation timeframe that is going to work is maybe 5 days in advance or not at all! If that had not been a factor as you said, 48 hours would have been enough time and you would have at least given him one more chance. I did think your "if my schedule opens up" was a bit rude. Because if the only free time you had to see him is one day in December and not another opening for six months, you sure as heck can't be looking for a relationship that requires face to face time. My guess is that you just had to get past the holidays and when your sitter would have availability so likely in the next 2-3 weeks.
So anyway, I get it and I hate flakiness. But you don't want to go so far that you can't be flexible and give someone at least one chance to change things. I honestly think unless there is some more flexibility in your situation it will pretty much be one strike and you are out. And even then I worry about you burning thru babysitter's good will while you find to find a guy that follows thru with plans. That's why I was suggesting contingency plans with babysitting so you can roll more easily with a change of plans.
Anonymous
12/20/2016 20:58
Subject: Do I give him another chance?
You were really good rude:
Anonymous
12/20/2016 20:41
Subject: Do I give him another chance?
I'm a single mom with ample free time (DC is with ex on weekends). Even before I had DC, I wasn't with last minute changes. I think its inconsiderate. Dinner with boss sounds more like he had a better option that night and then it changed. I wouldn't have tried to accommodate the next night either, but I wouldn't have blamed it on childcare even if accurate. That makes dating you with a kid sound like a burden. You weren't available because he cancelled and you made other plans. I would throw out another time in the future to hang out. If it doesn't materialize, on to the next.
FYI. From someone who is actually living it, dating as a single parent isn't the plague. I get asked out regularly and every guy knows I'm a mom. Practically all of my single mom friends have married/remarried once they were serious about doing so. Be charming, attractive, and confident and the men will come.
Are you ready for a relationship or just looking to date right now?
FYI. From someone who is actually living it, dating as a single parent isn't the plague. I get asked out regularly and every guy knows I'm a mom. Practically all of my single mom friends have married/remarried once they were serious about doing so. Be charming, attractive, and confident and the men will come.
Are you ready for a relationship or just looking to date right now?
Anonymous
12/20/2016 20:39
Subject: Do I give him another chance?
he's probably married and wanted you to be his next AP. The "boss", aka his wife, his going out of town. I'd say go for it, being the side chick has its advantages.
Anonymous
12/20/2016 20:38
Subject: Re:Do I give him another chance?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You are a single mom right? Thats right-
... and you will remain a single mom with this attitude
Better to be single than deal with man-babies
Anonymous
12/20/2016 20:35
Subject: Do I give him another chance?
He cancelled two full days in advance, then tried to reschedule and keep the momentum going, and was sweet/flirtatious about it. You changed the whole tone of everything when you said you would be in touch if your schedule opened up.
He was being flirtatious and sincere, and you were cold.
I can see why someone would reply the way he did. Sorry, OP. It sounds like you kinda took out your previous dating frustrations on him. He wasn't flakey at all.
He was being flirtatious and sincere, and you were cold.
I can see why someone would reply the way he did. Sorry, OP. It sounds like you kinda took out your previous dating frustrations on him. He wasn't flakey at all.