Anonymous
Post 12/19/2016 11:00     Subject: Holidays...not sure what to do
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I hope you're sitting down, because I've got a shock for you: If your husband wants to exchange gifts with his family, he can shop for them himself. If he doesn't want to, then you guys show up with no gifts. It's not your responsibility, no matter how stuck in the 1950s his family is. And it's his problem to smooth over if his family criticizes any of this. Not your responsibility.

You can teach your daughter multiple things here: that spending time with family is important, that men know how purchase gifts and it's sexist to put it on women, and that when people try to dump on you (and her as a future woman), you don't have to buy into it.


But if OP did this common-sense approach, of actually stepping aside and letting his HUSBAND buy gifts for his OWN FAMILY, then how could she make herself a martyr in this situation?


Oh STFU. We've been conditioned to meet expectations even before we could talk. Even when you know it's insane, the first time you defy expectations it's hard. My DH's family is the same way as Ops and the first time I left it up to DH, they were shocked and disappointed.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2016 10:21     Subject: Re:Holidays...not sure what to do
OP, if you are still reading, please stay home and enjoy this much needed week with DH and DC. Don't even add the extra stress of trying to make a surprise trip after the holiday. I totally get the guilt feelings and I have to work hard to get past them, and you can too! Ignore the crazy posters on this thread and relax and recharge!!
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2016 09:39     Subject: Holidays...not sure what to do
Anonymous wrote:I hope you're sitting down, because I've got a shock for you: If your husband wants to exchange gifts with his family, he can shop for them himself. If he doesn't want to, then you guys show up with no gifts. It's not your responsibility, no matter how stuck in the 1950s his family is. And it's his problem to smooth over if his family criticizes any of this. Not your responsibility.

You can teach your daughter multiple things here: that spending time with family is important, that men know how purchase gifts and it's sexist to put it on women, and that when people try to dump on you (and her as a future woman), you don't have to buy into it.


But if OP did this common-sense approach, of actually stepping aside and letting his HUSBAND buy gifts for his OWN FAMILY, then how could she make herself a martyr in this situation?
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2016 07:05     Subject: Holidays...not sure what to do
Ugh. OP, you need to impress your in-laws is ridiculously immature.
Anonymous
Post 12/19/2016 03:05     Subject: Holidays...not sure what to do
Anonymous wrote:Actually it is true, I'm in residency and I work 80 hrs and then come home and study most of the night. And I don't get holidays , I was lucky to get this week off. And since society doesn't take off for Ramadan/Hanukkah/atheism, I don't get to spend that time with my family either. And since we've spent so much non Christmas time with DH's family, I've decided to take back this holiday this year. So many of you have reminded me why I dislike celebrating Christmas, the expectations are insane.

Thanks to the helpful commenters.


Oh my goodness, you are in the trenches. Stay home, but you must let go of the guilt. You need this downtime.
Savor every moment with your DH and child, and just relax.

Anonymous
Post 12/19/2016 00:34     Subject: Holidays...not sure what to do

NP here.

Might you have social anxiety by any chance? Are you a people-pleaser in general?

I'm like this. I would have a hard time parachuting into someone else's traditions and not comply with them, out of respect. However, at some point we all have to compromise and tweak things to end up with what's most important to us, OP. What you want most is relaxation for yourself AND getting your precious little one some family time. Can't you let go of the disapproval that will ensue when you don't bring the expected gifts? I'm sure that they love you, even though they might find it entertaining for a while to complain about your gifts. A few rounds like this, and they'll come to expect it and it won't be fodder any more.

I like your idea of resting for a few days here and going to visit with just a few token gifts, however to be polite I would still call ahead and warn them to expect you.


Anonymous
Post 12/19/2016 00:27     Subject: Holidays...not sure what to do
I hope you're sitting down, because I've got a shock for you: If your husband wants to exchange gifts with his family, he can shop for them himself. If he doesn't want to, then you guys show up with no gifts. It's not your responsibility, no matter how stuck in the 1950s his family is. And it's his problem to smooth over if his family criticizes any of this. Not your responsibility.

You can teach your daughter multiple things here: that spending time with family is important, that men know how purchase gifts and it's sexist to put it on women, and that when people try to dump on you (and her as a future woman), you don't have to buy into it.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2016 23:48     Subject: Holidays...not sure what to do
Your in-laws are creating this scenario with their excessive expectations. Your DH needs to talk to them and explain that the gift extravaganza doesn't work for you guys, andcwhile you'd love for DC to spend the holiday with them, the gift thing just makes it too stressful.

Why do grownups insist on lots of gifts? Just buy yourself what you want and spend the time together meaningfully!
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2016 23:02     Subject: Holidays...not sure what to do
Anonymous wrote:Actually it is true, I'm in residency and I work 80 hrs and then come home and study most of the night. And I don't get holidays , I was lucky to get this week off. And since society doesn't take off for Ramadan/Hanukkah/atheism, I don't get to spend that time with my family either. And since we've spent so much non Christmas time with DH's family, I've decided to take back this holiday this year. So many of you have reminded me why I dislike celebrating Christmas, the expectations are insane.

Thanks to the helpful commenters.



So when do you and DH do the conjugal thing? Are you keeping a spreadsheet if your sex life?
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2016 22:56     Subject: Holidays...not sure what to do
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Anyone who "works 100 hours a week" and has a family would not spend this much time on DCUM.


+1

That is 14.28 hours a day, seven days a week. OP, when do you shower, eat, pee and poop?


Came here to ask this... OP works 7am to 9pm every day of the week without any sort of break AND spent MLK Day weekend, President's Day weekend, Memorial Day weekend, 4th of July weekend, Labor Day weekend, Columbus Day weekend, Veterans Day weekend, Thanksgiivng weekend And Christmas holiday weekends with the inlaws? What about her family and the non-Christian holidays? High holy days, etc?


You're obtuse. I obviously did not spend any of those days with them (in fact, I only got one of those off). But I did spend some random long weekends with them and my child and her dad spent more time with them.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2016 22:48     Subject: Holidays...not sure what to do
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Anyone who "works 100 hours a week" and has a family would not spend this much time on DCUM.


+1

That is 14.28 hours a day, seven days a week. OP, when do you shower, eat, pee and poop?


Came here to ask this... OP works 7am to 9pm every day of the week without any sort of break AND spent MLK Day weekend, President's Day weekend, Memorial Day weekend, 4th of July weekend, Labor Day weekend, Columbus Day weekend, Veterans Day weekend, Thanksgiivng weekend And Christmas holiday weekends with the inlaws? What about her family and the non-Christian holidays? High holy days, etc?
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2016 22:37     Subject: Holidays...not sure what to do
Actually it is true, I'm in residency and I work 80 hrs and then come home and study most of the night. And I don't get holidays , I was lucky to get this week off. And since society doesn't take off for Ramadan/Hanukkah/atheism, I don't get to spend that time with my family either. And since we've spent so much non Christmas time with DH's family, I've decided to take back this holiday this year. So many of you have reminded me why I dislike celebrating Christmas, the expectations are insane.

Thanks to the helpful commenters.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2016 22:19     Subject: Holidays...not sure what to do
Anonymous wrote:Anyone who "works 100 hours a week" and has a family would not spend this much time on DCUM.


+1

That is 14.28 hours a day, seven days a week. OP, when do you shower, eat, pee and poop?
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2016 22:16     Subject: Holidays...not sure what to do
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have the week off b/t Christmas and New Years, and we were debating on either making the long drive or flying up to see DH and my family (they live in the same town), but up right until almost Christmas day my schedule is absolutely packed. DH's family has a million traditions and they exchange literally hundreds of dollars worth of presents per person. That whole thing is so stressful, so DH thought it would be best if we just took the week off and relaxed here. I'm all for it, but I'm also sad for DC and everyone else. She's the only grandchild and I know she makes everyone's Christmas' come alive, so I'm feeling really guilty. But the thought of undergoing all that stress literally gives me anxiety attacks. I would be so much more amenable to going if the traditions/presents were kept to a minimum. I just do not have the time to shop, wrap, make the yearly traditions. And then traveling to both families? I'm exhausted.

I was thinking about doing a surprise road trip and not telling anyone and showing up with just 1 gift per person (that we buy and wrap on the way). But then my vacation is cut in half.

But the guilt is a bit overwhelming.



This is absurd, and you know it.


OP here. It is absurd. But TRUE.


Fine. Then OPT OUT. Gifts are a CHOICE. They are optional and discretionary.

It is not rude to give what you want to give, and not give what you don't want to give.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2016 22:13     Subject: Holidays...not sure what to do
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Surely you are mature and resourceful enough to figure out this doesn't need to be all or nothing?

Go for a few days. Spend Christmas day at your home. Travel the next day and stay at one set of parents house for one or two nights, then at the other parents' house for one or two nights.

Bring exactly what you feel is reasonable. Homemade cards, a few framed photos, a gift card or two. Just because other people go overboard doesn't mean you have to. Bring what you think is appropriate, or bring nothing at all and say you donated in the name of each family to the United Way or a children's hospital or whatever has meaning for you.

I swear, some people would rather complain and wring their hands and mush-mouth about how overwhelming everything is rather than take two seconds and figure out what you actually can and want to do. And then nut up and do it.


Surely you can't be so obtuse to think that our showing up with very little will actually be taken positively. In the past we've cut down a bit on our giving (or really just focused more on gift cards) and people were not impressed, despite our donating much of their gifts to goodwill. We've actually discussed cutting back on giftgiving and offered up other options (secret santas, charity donations, etc), none of which were acceptable to my inlaws.

I swear, some people would like to take every opportunity to put down others.


I actually agree with PP. The only way to break a crazy gift giving tradition is to opt out of participation. Give simple gifts, or none. If they don't like that, they will need to figure out how to deal with it.