Anonymous
12/16/2016 20:46
Subject: Is it rude to ask if friend plans to have kids?
Anonymous wrote:I'm 38yo and currently pregnant with my 3rd child. I have a bunch of old friends who have all been married for 5-10 years who don't have kids. It feels like it should be a natural no big deal question to ask but I've become paranoid by being on parenting forums. It seems like a lot of people on these forums are trying to have children but dealing with infertility. When people ask me about myself, I usually say a few things and always mention at least one thing about my children. Right now it would be that I am pregnant again.
Why would you think it is anybody your effing business? You are an idiot. Of course it is rude. Pig, oink, oink.
Anonymous
12/16/2016 20:43
Subject: Is it rude to ask if friend plans to have kids?
Anonymous wrote:I'm 38yo and currently pregnant with my 3rd child. I have a bunch of old friends who have all been married for 5-10 years who don't have kids. It feels like it should be a natural no big deal question to ask but I've become paranoid by being on parenting forums. It seems like a lot of people on these forums are trying to have children but dealing with infertility. When people ask me about myself, I usually say a few things and always mention at least one thing about my children. Right now it would be that I am pregnant again.
Why would you think it is anybody your effing business? You are an idiot. If course it is rude. Pig, oink, oink.
Anonymous
12/16/2016 20:30
Subject: Is it rude to ask if friend plans to have kids?
If they're close friends it's not rude. But if you feel awkward asking you're not close enough to be asking. For a close friend it may open the door for them to talk about something they may not have otherwise wanted to raise. If they're struggling and want to talk you can then support them. If they're struggling and don't want to talk about it they will let you know. And if they're not struggling then there's no harm done. You can be sensitive in how you ask and if they are close friends you'll be able to read their reaction as you're asking. If they're not close then don't ask.
Anonymous
12/16/2016 14:59
Subject: Re:Is it rude to ask if friend plans to have kids?
Anonymous wrote:Clearly I'm the only voice of dissent but I don't think it's rude at all - if it's a question asked of friends, and if it's only asked once. I get that if you are a couple struggle with infertility or if you have chosen not to have kids you are tired of random strangers/coworkers/etc. pestering you about kids. And that I totally agree is rude. I would never ask someone I didn't know well. But if people are really your close friends, it wouldn't be weird to say "are you guys thinking of having kids one day" if they say "no" then you say "cool" and leave it at that and don't ask again. Among our group of friends about half have struggled with infertility and all of them have shared this at some point, in one way or another and we've all had conversations about it. Another couple we know doesn't want to have kids - they've also said this. It's all fine. Given how much talk in your 20s and 30s is around marriage and kids I think it's weird it wouldn't come up naturally.
Also, some of my friends with infertility have shared that they feel like they are the only ones going through it and they wished that people talked more openly about their struggles and treatments, etc. Obviously everyone should share what they are comfortable with - so I'm not saying everyone has to talk about it - but maybe you could consider that some people might like to talk about it but feel it's stigmatized, etc. We all probably know at least one person who's had infertility - it's not uncommon.
I agree, PP. I struggled with infertility before I conceived my son and when people asked if we were going to have kids one day, I simply said that I hoped we would. When my SIL asked, I told her that we were trying but hadn't been successful yet. I wasn't insulted or hurt by the questions at all.
Anonymous
12/16/2016 14:49
Subject: Is it rude to ask if friend plans to have kids?
Super rude
Anonymous
12/16/2016 14:35
Subject: Re:Is it rude to ask if friend plans to have kids?
Yes, this is rude question. If your friends want you to know about t their reproductive plans/desires, they will tell you. Jesus. Were you raised by wolves?
Anonymous
12/16/2016 12:40
Subject: Re:Is it rude to ask if friend plans to have kids?
Anonymous wrote:I'm a guy and I'd do this with male friends, but I also think guys are less sensitive about it. When DD does something or we're talking about some topic, I'll say, "I don't know if you plan to have kids, but... (childcare is expesnive, etc).. ".. So basically something I'd say anyway, but with that clause in front. They can take the bait or not.
Strangely overinvested.
Anonymous
12/16/2016 12:37
Subject: Re:Is it rude to ask if friend plans to have kids?
Clearly I'm the only voice of dissent but I don't think it's rude at all - if it's a question asked of friends, and if it's only asked once. I get that if you are a couple struggle with infertility or if you have chosen not to have kids you are tired of random strangers/coworkers/etc. pestering you about kids. And that I totally agree is rude. I would never ask someone I didn't know well. But if people are really your close friends, it wouldn't be weird to say "are you guys thinking of having kids one day" if they say "no" then you say "cool" and leave it at that and don't ask again. Among our group of friends about half have struggled with infertility and all of them have shared this at some point, in one way or another and we've all had conversations about it. Another couple we know doesn't want to have kids - they've also said this. It's all fine. Given how much talk in your 20s and 30s is around marriage and kids I think it's weird it wouldn't come up naturally.
Also, some of my friends with infertility have shared that they feel like they are the only ones going through it and they wished that people talked more openly about their struggles and treatments, etc. Obviously everyone should share what they are comfortable with - so I'm not saying everyone has to talk about it - but maybe you could consider that some people might like to talk about it but feel it's stigmatized, etc. We all probably know at least one person who's had infertility - it's not uncommon.
Also, some of my friends with infertility have shared that they feel like they are the only ones going through it and they wished that people talked more openly about their struggles and treatments, etc. Obviously everyone should share what they are comfortable with - so I'm not saying everyone has to talk about it - but maybe you could consider that some people might like to talk about it but feel it's stigmatized, etc. We all probably know at least one person who's had infertility - it's not uncommon.
Anonymous
12/16/2016 12:20
Subject: Re:Is it rude to ask if friend plans to have kids?
Yes it is rude.
Frankly, if they wanted you to know, you would know. I found that between when I started telling people about our first child and when the child was about 2 years old, I found out about a lot of people who were planning kids. It came out pretty organically. Those who were interested in discussing it would ask more questions about the kids and would drop the information at some point that they always wanted kids or their spouse always wanted kids or they were trying. Basically once you have kids, if you talk with these friends regularly the opportunity for them to share the information comes up often enough that they'll mention if it they want to share. If they don't mention it, they want to keep it private. And I'm fine with that.
Frankly, if they wanted you to know, you would know. I found that between when I started telling people about our first child and when the child was about 2 years old, I found out about a lot of people who were planning kids. It came out pretty organically. Those who were interested in discussing it would ask more questions about the kids and would drop the information at some point that they always wanted kids or their spouse always wanted kids or they were trying. Basically once you have kids, if you talk with these friends regularly the opportunity for them to share the information comes up often enough that they'll mention if it they want to share. If they don't mention it, they want to keep it private. And I'm fine with that.
Anonymous
12/16/2016 12:01
Subject: Re:Is it rude to ask if friend plans to have kids?
If you have to ask if this is a rude question (it is) it's clear that you have asked a lot of other rude questions.
Anonymous
12/16/2016 10:41
Subject: Is it rude to ask if friend plans to have kids?
I posted earlier about having one child, mentioning most of my friends have 2, and like others, I don't appreciate being asked about this private topic. I think in a way the OP feels a bit 'showy' - she is having a third, that is fortunate, and it's really rubbing it in the faces of her friends by asking about the kids question.
Anonymous
12/16/2016 10:38
Subject: Is it rude to ask if friend plans to have kids?
rude. what if they are having fertility issues or have had miscarriages.
Anonymous
12/16/2016 09:51
Subject: Is it rude to ask if friend plans to have kids?
Anonymous wrote:
As someone who is childless by choice, whenever I've told people I don't want kids, it's almost immediately followed by "you'll change your mind!" Or "you're young!" Or "who is going to take care of you when you're old?"
I'm in my mid-30's and have been married several years, and I really do wonder when these comments are going to change. Um, NO, I'm not young, people (and I'm not younger looking either)! Although I do see them slowly starting to morph from "You're still young!" to "Oh, you still have plenty of time!"
Very slowly though. It's so weird/funny.
Anonymous
12/16/2016 09:48
Subject: Re:Is it rude to ask if friend plans to have kids?
Yes, as many people have told you it is very rude and please do not ask your friends. If you are not the person in the relationship than it is obsolutely none of your business! You will find out when they have kids when they tell you ( or you get the announcement) ! I had someone passively try to find out when we are going to have kids by saying that her seven year old wondered when we were going to have kids! I had to laugh because I know of no seven year old boys who cares when we were going to have kids...it was my SIL so no stranger. I did not take the bait and just said "hmmmm, interesting"
Anonymous
12/16/2016 09:30
Subject: Is it rude to ask if friend plans to have kids?
It's rude, and it's none of your business. Asking people when/if they are going to have (more) kids is very, very personal. Not to mention, you almost certainly aren't the first person to ask, and as someone who didn't have kids until I was 35, it gets really fucking old really quickly.