Anonymous
12/19/2016 18:51
Subject: Re:DH said I take, take, take and never give anything to the marriage...
Anonymous wrote:OP, you may have noticed that posters regularly recommend the book "the five love languages" by Gary Chapman. I picked up a copy last week to see what the big deal is about. Please read it. it was written for folks in your shoes
X 2
Sounds like he is a quality time type.
Anonymous
12/19/2016 17:54
Subject: Re:DH said I take, take, take and never give anything to the marriage...
I am so sorry to hear you both are struggling. Marriage is such hard work!!! The emotional "juice" of initial love wears off and we're left with day to day life. Sorry if I missed it but how long have you been married? These types of feelings of restlessness seem to come around 8-15 years in. It sounds like you have built a wonderful home and family. I would supportively encourage you to stay and fight for what you have built if you can! I have been divorced - I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It's horrific for the adults, and devastating for the kids. Maybe if your DH is willing, you could try counseling? There are many couples who hit this type of rough patch but it sounds possible to power through! Wishing you all the best.
Anonymous
12/16/2016 19:16
Subject: Re:DH said I take, take, take and never give anything to the marriage...
Anonymous wrote:Off the top, I'd say he's cheating or contemplating it.
Yep. Sounds like a classic mid-life crisis.
Anonymous
12/16/2016 18:22
Subject: DH said I take, take, take and never give anything to the marriage...
Anonymous wrote:He's cheating. He's creating a narrative that he is justified in doing so.
+2
YUP
Anonymous
12/16/2016 18:20
Subject: Re:DH said I take, take, take and never give anything to the marriage...
Off the top, I'd say he's cheating or contemplating it.
Anonymous
12/16/2016 15:20
Subject: Re:DH said I take, take, take and never give anything to the marriage...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the PP in terms of fighting over this. That will just feed his narrative of how oppressed and unloved he is. . Instead, i would try to put away the hurt (hard, I know) and basically say, wow, I had no idea you felt this deeply unhappy with our marriage. This is serious. Will you come to counseling with me? and then go, and listen. You'll have your turn to say things from your point of view.
See how he reacts. At the same time, keep your eyes and ears open. Is he on his phone more/more secretive? staying out longer?
If this is out of the blue, and basically your marriage has been good (and you sensitive to how he is feeling and not oblivious) then it sounds like mid life crisis/possible affair (either having one, or really attracted, or somewhere between).
+1
Pointing out the truth will only pit him against you, make him dig in his heels and see you as the bad person.
Another +1 to the quoted poster. He's unhappy with himself, and he's got his eye on other women. He's looking for things to blame you for to excuse how he feels and who he may want to sleep with. Take the positive track.
Anonymous
12/16/2016 15:13
Subject: DH said I take, take, take and never give anything to the marriage...
My first thought wasn't "cheating" out of that. I was thinking more along the lines of "midlife crisis." He's got a good house and family life, but in his mind these things weren't his idea and (I infer) he thinks he'd be just about as happy without them.
All he can focus on is that he doesn't think his wife wants to have sex with him. Sure, she's doing it twice a week, but he suspects she's just putting up with it. He has internalized the idea that a guy's worth is based on the kind of sex he's having. If a hot woman is eager to have sex with you, you're awesome. If even your wife doesn't want to have sex with you, you're worthless.
If he gets his mind right about the sex, the other stuff will become important again.
All he can focus on is that he doesn't think his wife wants to have sex with him. Sure, she's doing it twice a week, but he suspects she's just putting up with it. He has internalized the idea that a guy's worth is based on the kind of sex he's having. If a hot woman is eager to have sex with you, you're awesome. If even your wife doesn't want to have sex with you, you're worthless.
If he gets his mind right about the sex, the other stuff will become important again.
Anonymous
12/16/2016 14:17
Subject: DH said I take, take, take and never give anything to the marriage...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He's cheating. He's creating a narrative that he is justified in doing so.
DCUM is funny as all get out:
1. He talks to people at work - "he's cheating"
2. He's got an increased interest in working out - "he's cheating"
3. He has business travel - "he's cheating"
4. He went to the store - "he's cheating"
5. He watched TV in our family room - "he's thinking of ways to cheat and is psychically in another place cheating in his mind"
It's true. The family room part, at least when Return of the Jedi is on. I'm thinking about Princess Leia in that bikini.
Anonymous
12/16/2016 13:22
Subject: Re:DH said I take, take, take and never give anything to the marriage...
Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the PP in terms of fighting over this. That will just feed his narrative of how oppressed and unloved he is. . Instead, i would try to put away the hurt (hard, I know) and basically say, wow, I had no idea you felt this deeply unhappy with our marriage. This is serious. Will you come to counseling with me? and then go, and listen. You'll have your turn to say things from your point of view.
See how he reacts. At the same time, keep your eyes and ears open. Is he on his phone more/more secretive? staying out longer?
If this is out of the blue, and basically your marriage has been good (and you sensitive to how he is feeling and not oblivious) then it sounds like mid life crisis/possible affair (either having one, or really attracted, or somewhere between).
+1
Pointing out the truth will only pit him against you, make him dig in his heels and see you as the bad person.
Anonymous
12/16/2016 09:22
Subject: DH said I take, take, take and never give anything to the marriage...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I pointed out that we have made a family with kids, a functioning household, two full time jobs, comfortable wealth...
He says those are things that I wanted and were done for myself, not for him.
We have sex around twice a week, one of his complaints is that I never initiate, but I never refuse either. And I am not adventurous enough in bed and don't show physical affection and move him we when he hugs and don't spend quality time and so on...
He has never communicated this clearly before, thinks it is too late to make changes and has given up on getting any physical affection from me. For example all the cuddling I initiate in bed is somehow not counted.
And the way he phrased it (subject line) hurts a lot when I am dedicating my life to my family and I was so proud of the life we built together. I just want to leave this marriage, thoughts?
Men, listen up. if you do not want kids, a family, a functioning household and comfortable wealth, please do not get married.
If sex and physical affection was your sole reason for getting married, you are a moron. Do not blame your wife.
correction...
Men, listen up. if you do not want kids, a family, a functioning household, sex twice a week and woman that cuddles with you in bed and comfortable wealth, please do not get married.
If sex (> 2 twice a week) and physical affection (beyond cuddling and sex twice a week) was your sole reason for getting married, you are a moron. Do not blame your wife.
PLEASE. Half of the marriages here are sexless. Sex twice a week? Some folks make it a priority. Others, not so much. You can't tell who will or who won't when you get married. Your wife doesn't know she is going to get bored silly of having sex with you. But it might happen.
OP has sex twice a week. That is what this post is about... a man unhappy even though he has.... kids, a family, a functioning household, sex twice a week and woman that cuddles with him in bed and comfortable wealth... it PATHETIC.
Anonymous
12/16/2016 09:17
Subject: DH said I take, take, take and never give anything to the marriage...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I pointed out that we have made a family with kids, a functioning household, two full time jobs, comfortable wealth...
He says those are things that I wanted and were done for myself, not for him.
We have sex around twice a week, one of his complaints is that I never initiate, but I never refuse either. And I am not adventurous enough in bed and don't show physical affection and move him we when he hugs and don't spend quality time and so on...
He has never communicated this clearly before, thinks it is too late to make changes and has given up on getting any physical affection from me. For example all the cuddling I initiate in bed is somehow not counted.
And the way he phrased it (subject line) hurts a lot when I am dedicating my life to my family and I was so proud of the life we built together. I just want to leave this marriage, thoughts?
Men, listen up. if you do not want kids, a family, a functioning household and comfortable wealth, please do not get married.
If sex and physical affection was your sole reason for getting married, you are a moron. Do not blame your wife.
correction...
Men, listen up. if you do not want kids, a family, a functioning household, sex twice a week and woman that cuddles with you in bed and comfortable wealth, please do not get married.
If sex (> 2 twice a week) and physical affection (beyond cuddling and sex twice a week) was your sole reason for getting married, you are a moron. Do not blame your wife.
PLEASE. Half of the marriages here are sexless. Sex twice a week? Some folks make it a priority. Others, not so much. You can't tell who will or who won't when you get married. Your wife doesn't know she is going to get bored silly of having sex with you. But it might happen.
Anonymous
12/16/2016 08:34
Subject: DH said I take, take, take and never give anything to the marriage...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I pointed out that we have made a family with kids, a functioning household, two full time jobs, comfortable wealth...
He says those are things that I wanted and were done for myself, not for him.
We have sex around twice a week, one of his complaints is that I never initiate, but I never refuse either. And I am not adventurous enough in bed and don't show physical affection and move him we when he hugs and don't spend quality time and so on...
He has never communicated this clearly before, thinks it is too late to make changes and has given up on getting any physical affection from me. For example all the cuddling I initiate in bed is somehow not counted.
And the way he phrased it (subject line) hurts a lot when I am dedicating my life to my family and I was so proud of the life we built together. I just want to leave this marriage, thoughts?
Men, listen up. if you do not want kids, a family, a functioning household and comfortable wealth, please do not get married.
If sex and physical affection was your sole reason for getting married, you are a moron. Do not blame your wife.
correction...
Men, listen up. if you do not want kids, a family, a functioning household, sex twice a week and woman that cuddles with you in bed and comfortable wealth, please do not get married.
If sex (> 2 twice a week) and physical affection (beyond cuddling and sex twice a week) was your sole reason for getting married, you are a moron. Do not blame your wife.
Anonymous
12/16/2016 08:30
Subject: DH said I take, take, take and never give anything to the marriage...
Anonymous wrote:He's cheating. He's creating a narrative that he is justified in doing so.
DCUM is funny as all get out:
1. He talks to people at work - "he's cheating"
2. He's got an increased interest in working out - "he's cheating"
3. He has business travel - "he's cheating"
4. He went to the store - "he's cheating"
5. He watched TV in our family room - "he's thinking of ways to cheat and is psychically in another place cheating in his mind"
Anonymous
12/16/2016 07:02
Subject: Re:DH said I take, take, take and never give anything to the marriage...
Anonymous wrote:OP, you may have noticed that posters regularly recommend the book "the five love languages" by Gary Chapman. I picked up a copy last week to see what the big deal is about. Please read it. it was written for folks in your shoes
Rubbish. Rubbish. Rubbish.
OP has to ask her husband if he truly meant it when he said that most of the things that would constitute a stable marriage were the things she wanted and not him. If he meant that, he is a fraud and a fool.
Anonymous
12/16/2016 06:59
Subject: DH said I take, take, take and never give anything to the marriage...
Anonymous wrote:I pointed out that we have made a family with kids, a functioning household, two full time jobs, comfortable wealth...
He says those are things that I wanted and were done for myself, not for him.
We have sex around twice a week, one of his complaints is that I never initiate, but I never refuse either. And I am not adventurous enough in bed and don't show physical affection and move him we when he hugs and don't spend quality time and so on...
He has never communicated this clearly before, thinks it is too late to make changes and has given up on getting any physical affection from me. For example all the cuddling I initiate in bed is somehow not counted.
And the way he phrased it (subject line) hurts a lot when I am dedicating my life to my family and I was so proud of the life we built together. I just want to leave this marriage, thoughts?
Men, listen up. if you do not want kids, a family, a functioning household and comfortable wealth, please do not get married.
If sex and physical affection was your sole reason for getting married, you are a moron. Do not blame your wife.