Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Believe me, I judge older women who have obviously settled much more than I judge an older woman who has her shit together and refuses to settle. No offense by use of he word older, I just mean someone who didn't run off and get married right after college.

Thanks so much. 54 and never married. Didn't really every get the baby urge so don't miss something I never had. I refuse to settle. I haven't been picky. I have dated from a blue collar worker to extreme wealth. I make stupid money own multiple homes and don't need someone to contribute to the bottom line. Just want someone honest and reasonable. Seems that is a lot to ask for. For all those ready to flame, no I am not fat and out of shape and look like a troll under a bridge. I am routinely carded and mistaken for early 40's. I don't even have grey hair yet and I don't die my hair.

+1 right there with you, except I'm 37 and did get the baby bug so I used a donor. I date occasionally because I do enjoy male company, but I haven't met anyone I felt compelled to "settle down" with. I don't really see myself getting married because I feel like I have everything I want (financially, emotionally, etc.). Maybe this will change as I get older, but with the finances and parenthood boxes checked, a lifelong partner seems like a bonus. We'll see.

OP please run for the hills. If you're this uneasy now, it will only get worse once you're legally and financially bound to each other.

Anonymous wrote:I might be in the minority.

No one is perfect. There is no such thing as a "perfect person" for everyone. Some people get lucky and find them others do not. Marriage is hard work.

If you want a family, marrying him is not a bad idea.

Why wait for a Prince who may never come?

Jesus, you don't have to wait for a prince but PLEASE wait for someone who loves you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are reasonable expectations?

What are not?

Is the OP being reasonable?

This guy is having job trouble, immigration trouble, isn't very affectionate, and isn't ready to get married. I would say given all that, he is not the person OP should hitch her wagon to. If his employment status weren't great, but she adored him, made enough to support them both, and they were both desperate to start a family together = that's a different story. But that's not what she said. It sounds like she's hanging around waiting for a guy she's not even that into.

Hello. I don't love him to the point of supporting the both of us (don't know if I technically could, make low six figures).

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. Thank u for the feedback. Deep down it doesn't feel that right. I am fearful cause we have slept together so that is another body on my list.

I'm 27, but I realize it's getting harder as the years go by. Any ideas on how to strategically date and court for marriage. I DONT want to be mid 30s and single....

Neither do you want to be mid-thirties and divorced.

Anonymous wrote:What are reasonable expectations?

What are not?

Is the OP being reasonable?

This guy is having job trouble, immigration trouble, isn't very affectionate, and isn't ready to get married. I would say given all that, he is not the person OP should hitch her wagon to. If his employment status weren't great, but she adored him, made enough to support them both, and they were both desperate to start a family together = that's a different story. But that's not what she said. It sounds like she's hanging around waiting for a guy she's not even that into.

What are reasonable expectations?

What are not?

Is the OP being reasonable?

Anonymous wrote:I might be in the minority.

No one is perfect. There is no such thing as a "perfect person" for everyone. Some people get lucky and find them others do not. Marriage is hard work.

If you want a family, marrying him is not a bad idea.

Why wait for a Prince who may never come?

Because kids aren't everything (I know the mommy martyrs are going to jump down my throat for that one.) Your own happiness MATTERS and kids can't give you everything in life. You deserve someone you're, at a MINIMUM, attracted to (which is often lacking in DCUM marriages), and even better, someone you're crazy about and truly enjoy sharing a life with. And your kids should see this and realize that's what they deserve when they grow up. Do you want your daughters to settle for some dude worth only a paycheck and sperm to them? Or do you want them to be really, really happy? Because you should want the same for yourself. Don't be a loser and settle for a loser just so you can spawn. Gross.

Look, there is a WIDE gulf between holding out for some prince, and marrying someone about whom you have serious reservations.

All marriages involve compromise. But you should at least go into it with some reasonable amount of optimism. Not wanting another body on some list of men you've been with is NOT a good reason to get married.

Think about it this way: it's a decade from now. You now find your husband utterly intolerable. You now have to decide if you want to get a divorce, with all the problems that entails - plus starting over in your late 30s. Or if you can stick it out FOREVER with someone who you were pretty sure wouldn't make you happy in your 20s.

Break up with this guy. Stop worrying so much about checking all the boxes. Date a lot. Find someone who actually makes you happy.

Anonymous wrote:I might be in the minority.

No one is perfect. There is no such thing as a "perfect person" for everyone. Some people get lucky and find them others do not. Marriage is hard work.

If you want a family, marrying him is not a bad idea.

Why wait for a Prince who may never come?

I've been thinking the same thing.

I might be in the minority.

No one is perfect. There is no such thing as a "perfect person" for everyone. Some people get lucky and find them others do not. Marriage is hard work.

If you want a family, marrying him is not a bad idea.

Why wait for a Prince who may never come?

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Not a Duggar, just reserved by nature. I know I'm only 27, but I want to think ahead and have my ducks in a row. I already have the degrees, income, domestic skills, etc. Just want the complete picture.

Be careful. I have seen too many friends reaching for that picture of 2.5 kids a dog and a husband and the results have been nothing short of a nightmare. Why not figure out what is going to work for you and not trying to attain this picture that society tells us we have to have. Maybe you don't have kids till your 35, maybe you don't have them at all, maybe you adopt. Maybe your husband isn't exactly the same age, maybe older , hell maybe younger. Maybe different race or culture, maybe not so reserved. Open your avenues of options and ask yourself why you are looking for a husband.

I had a friend who had a plan and she stuck to it, married by a certain age, X number of children by a certain age. Now so miserable she can barely talk, husband is face down in porn most of the time and kids are acting out. She knew about the porn before being married, she knew before they married that he wasn't really motivated to work or have the education to pull in big salary and it was going to be on her mostly. The reality of all this 8 yrs later is a little bit much to take but she is where she is cause she had a "Plan" that she was determined to see implemented. She would have been a great general in a war ,but this marriage is a war in itself that she started

Two more expressions that might be useful here:

1) when in doubt, don't
2) you look hungry, you go hungry

Anonymous wrote:Believe me, I judge older women who have obviously settled much more than I judge an older woman who has her shit together and refuses to settle. No offense by use of he word older, I just mean someone who didn't run off and get married right after college.

Thanks so much. 54 and never married. Didn't really every get the baby urge so don't miss something I never had. I refuse to settle. I haven't been picky. I have dated from a blue collar worker to extreme wealth. I make stupid money own multiple homes and don't need someone to contribute to the bottom line. Just want someone honest and reasonable. Seems that is a lot to ask for. For all those ready to flame, no I am not fat and out of shape and look like a troll under a bridge. I am routinely carded and mistaken for early 40's. I don't even have grey hair yet and I don't die my hair.

Anonymous wrote:Trust your gut. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

+1000 Listen to this advise it is so so so so true. He has shown you who he is and if you think it is going to change, guess again. Controlling in a husband is a really bad thing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. Thank u for the feedback. Deep down it doesn't feel that right. I am fearful cause we have slept together so that is another body on my list.

I'm 27, but I realize it's getting harder as the years go by. Any ideas on how to strategically date and court for marriage. I DONT want to be mid 30s and single....

From someone who did it to herself (I was 24 btw, but wanted to get married and have a child by 30). 10 years in and I am miserable. I can't leave now because I have a child, but I so so wish I had more "bodies" on my list that would result in a loving fun husband . Leave. Don't get stuck on the culture too. We are from the same culture, but we are SO different.

X 3. I was with 7, and I let my desire to meet an age requirement trump the desire for a lifelong connection. Silly 29 something misguided thinking I had then. You're wise to trust your instincts and seek counsel. Now hopefully you will apply it! Also remember things can happen quickly so don't fear time, but dot rush it.